The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996)

Samuel L. Jackson: Mitch Henessey

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Quotes 

• Mitch Henessey : What I'm saying is, back when we first met, you were all like "Oh phooey, I burned the darn muffins." Now, you go into a bar, ten minutes later, sailors come runnin' out. What up with that?

• Charlie : Were you always this stupid, or did you take lessons?

  Mitch Henessey : I took lessons.

• Samantha : Easy, sport. I got myself outta Beirut once, I think I can get outta New Jersey.

  Mitch : Yeah? Well, don't be so sure. Others have tried and failed. The entire population, in fact.

• Charlie : Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

  Mitch Henessey : I hope not, 'cause I'm thinking how much my balls hurt.

• Mitch Henessey : I'm always frank and earnest with women. Uh, in New York I'm Frank, and Chicago I'm Ernest.

• Mitch : I'm goin' in.

  Charlie : You can't there's too many of them.

  Mitch : Well kill them for me, bitch! What else you good for?

• [Nathan hands his gun to Charlie, then pulls out a second] 

  Mitch : Jesus, old man, how many of those you got?

  Nathan : Three. One shoulder, one hip and one down here, right next to Mr. Wally, where most patdowns never reveal it, as even the most hardened federal agent is often reluctant to feel up another man's groin. Any other questions?

  Mitch : Yeah. What's the weather like on your planet?

• Charlie : I'm leaving the country, Mitch. I need a fake passport and I need money, lots of it.

  Mitch : Well why didn't you say so? Hold on a minute while I pull that outta my ass.

• Mitch : Oh, shit! Ah, that hurt like shit!

  Samantha : I know. That's why I distracted you first. Same principle as deflowering virgins.

  Mitch : Huh? What? Virgin - ? What?

  Samantha : Read it in this Harold Robbins book. Guy bites her on the ear. Distracts from the pain. Ever try that?

  Mitch : No, no, I sock 'em in the jaw and yell, "Pop goes the weasel."

• Mitch Henessey : [singing]  Putting the keys in my left pocket. Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm. Gun in the right-hand side.

  Samantha Caine : It makes a bulge, people can see.

  Mitch Henessey : Ya want me to stick it in my pants and shoot my damn dick off?

  Samantha Caine : Now you're a sharpshooter?

• Mitch Henessey : ...everyone knows, when you make an assumption, you make an ass out of "u" and "umption".

• Mitch : I will see to it you will spend the next ten years in prison getting ass fucked. And if the case is thrown out because my arrest was too violent, I will personally hire men to ass fuck you for the next ten years. So, if you're an ass fucking fan, you go ahead and mouth off.

• Mitch : You're telling me that you're gonna fake some terrorist thing, just to scare some money out of Congress?

  Leland Perkins : Well, unfortunately, Mr. Hennessey, I have no idea how to fake killing 4,000 people - so we're just gonna have to do it for real. Blame it on the Muslims, naturally. Then I get my funding.

• Mitch : [singing to the song "I'd Really Love To See You Tonight" on the radio]  I'm not talking 'bout the linen... And I don't wanna change your life...

  Samantha : Movin' in.

  Samantha : Huh?

  Samantha : It's not linen. The song's not about linen.

  Mitch : Whatever. You cold?

  Samantha : I'm freezing.

  Mitch : Turn on the heater. It doesn't work, but it makes a very annoying noise which distracts from the cold.

  Samantha : I'll pass.

• Mitch Henessey : We jumped out of a building.

  Nathan : Yes, it was very exciting. Tomorrow we go to the zoo.

  Charlie : You're Waldman.

  Nathan : No, I'm the Hill Brothers bean buyer. Who else would I be? Hang on. If you want me to talk in front of him, you may be asked... to kill him later. It works for me. Your call.

• Mitch : [humming to Muddy Waters' "Mannish Boy"]  . Da, da, da, da-da-da, got my hand gun, Da, da, da, da-da-da, got a rifle too, Da, da, da, da-da-da, Anybody fucks with Mitch, he knows just what to do, 'cause.I'm a...

  [really jamming] 

  Mitch : ... bad motherfucker!

• Charlie : Goddamn it. You're early. So Perkins wants me dead, huh? What's the rush? Why don't you just go away and come back at midnight? Shoo.

  Alley Agent : Hey, honey, this is a real big fucking gun.

  Mitch Henessey : This ain't no ham on rye pal.

  Charlie : What the hell are you doing?

  Mitch Henessey : Saving your life. I would have been here sooner, but I was thinkin' up that 'ham on rye' line.

• Mitch : And what about your daughter, what's her name... Cathead?

  Samantha : Caitlin.

• Samantha : It's like I'm in goddamn prison. Do you know how that feels?

  Mitch Henessey : "YEAH. YEAH, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THAT'S LIKE. FOUR YEARS inside, Marion, Illinois. A REAL shithole. AND I'M NOT GOING BACK."

• Mitch : Sam... Ill be waiting for you to come and rescue me.

  Samantha : Be just a minute...

• Samantha : What happened?

  Mitch : I saved your ass. It was great.

• Mitch : [shouting]  THAT'S RIGHT, YOU CAN'T KILL ME MOTHERFUCKERS!

• Mitch Henessey : How did you find us?

  Nathan : There may be many reasons not to kill you, but among them is not that you'll be missed by NASA. I found the address in your coat. Here. Between the address of a topless bar, and the picture of what looks like a man's penis.

  Mitch Henessey : That's a duck, not a dick.

• Mitch : [as Charlie comes on to him]  What's goin' on?

  Charlie : True love, shut the fuck up!

  Mitch : What you lookin' for? White lady seducing the black help? I ain't handsome, I ain't rich, and the last time I got blown, candy bars cost a nickel.

• Mitch Henessey : I never did one thing right in my life, you know that? Not one. That takes skill.

• Mitch Henessey : Question. You keep saying "I this", "I that". Like well

  [pause] 

  Mitch Henessey : it's like you don't need me anymore.

  Charlie : [looks at Mitch]  Good point.

  [opens passenger side door] 

  Mitch Henessey : Hey, hey

  [Charlie kicks him out of the car] 

  Mitch Henessey : HEY!

  [Mitch rolls a couple times and ends up on the sidewalk] 

• Samantha Caine : What, are you a Mormon?

  Mitch Henessey : Yes, I'm a Mormon. That's why I just smoked a pack of Newport and drank three vodka tonics.

• Mitch : [after Mitch confesses that he's been in prison]  Eight years ago, I was an Atlanta cop. My partner and I worked this fraud case together. That motherfucker hated me! I forget why, but he did. Anyway, some bonds went missing from the evidence room, and, when someone called Internal Affairs and they went searching through my closet, lo and behold, what did they find?

  Samantha : The bonds. Your partner put them there, huh?

  Mitch : No, no, I did. I stole the damn things.

  [starts laughing, then after a long pause Samantha starts laughing. then another brief pause] 

  Mitch : . I never did one thing right in my life. Now that takes skill.

• Mitch Henessey : You foxy bitch.

• [while Mitch is creeping towards the truck to rescue Caitlin, Samantha covers him with a rifle. Two thugs appear and aim their guns at him, she takes them out quickly] 

  Mitch : Gracias.

  Samantha : De nada.

• Samantha : I know he has a pin in his leg, car accident. I... I know he cuts his own hair. He doesn't even own a TV. He... he sits when he pees...

  Mitch : Hey, hey, hey. That's enough, I'm gettin' a boner here, all right?

• Mitch Henessey : Don't give me attitude, sir.

• Samantha : Can I ask you something? Well, you seem kinda... low rent. No offense.

  Mitch : [chuckles]  None taken.

• Trin : Gotta stop using bums,

  Mitch Henessey : Forget that, they look like cops. We pulled it off, didn't we?

  Trin : It was embarrising.

  Mitch Henessey : You want me to hire an actress for Christ's sake? These guys are cheap. They work for food.

  Trin : And when they puke all over you, is that like a refund?