First Kid (1996)

Sinbad: Sam Simms

Photos 

Quotes 

• Wilkes : This is the black tie affair!

  Sam Simms : I know, sir and I got it covered. I'm black and I'm wearing a tie.

• Luke Davenport : The kitchen's closed.

  Sam Simms : I'm Agent Double-Oh Simms. I can get into any kitchen.

• Luke Davenport : Online I'm a normal kid, just like everybody else.

  Sam Simms : [Quietly]  You ought to try that here.

  Luke Davenport : What?

  Sam Simms : I said, "Go to bed". And be careful out there in cyber space. Be careful what you tell people.

  Luke Davenport : Okay! And stop telling me what to do. You're not my father.

  Sam Simms : [Quietly]  Lucky for me.

  Luke Davenport : What?

  Sam Simms : Nice PJs. They got feet on them, don't they?

• Woods : I'll have a Harvey Wallbanger. Make it a Harvey Oswald.

  Sam Simms : What's the difference?

  Woods : Oswald has three shots.

• Agent Dash : You guys suck.

  Sam Simms : We suck, ya hear that Luke? We suck, alright, we suck! Let's make a sucky left turn here.

• Luke Davenport : What are you doing?

  Sam Simms : I'm doing my job, keepin' you alive, I'm testing your food.

  Luke Davenport : But why do you always test my cookies?

• Sam Simms : [Dressed as a giant Coca Cola cup and pizza]  I have a head ache THIS big. I have been punched in the stomach and kicked in the meatballs and we are going home!

• Sam Simms : Luke! Say did you see the kid come out here?

  Guard : Yes, Sir.

  Sam Simms : Then why didn't you stop him?

  Guard : He lives here.

• Sam Simms : Don't just stand there. Say "Hello".

  Luke Davenport : HELLO!

  Sam Simms : Yeah, just make the girl go deaf. They love that.

• Luke Davenport : I only get to see my parents on the news.

  Sam Simms : No, that's your "boo-tay" you've been seeing on the news.

• Luke Davenport : It sure would be a shame if I told my dad about you taking me boxing.

  Sam Simms : It would be a shame if I threw you out that window too.

• Sam Simms : Just be careful out there in cyberspace. Don't tell them anything.

• Sam Simms : I ain't skated since I was a kid, and *back then* I had a pizza face. Now I got a great big pizza face!

• Morton : I'm gonna be watching you, Simms, and the minute you screw up you're gonna be working mail fraud in east Cleveland. You understand me? OR AM I YELLING AT TOO HIGH A FREQUENCY?

  Sam Simms : No, Sir, I got my ear piece in.

• Luke Davenport : But we go boxing. I could go as Reggie!

  Sam Simms : You could go as Michael Jordan, but you ain't going.

• Sam Simms : You know what's gonna happen if I let you go? Morton is gonna call me in. Then he's going to chew my butt off. I'll be sitting there and my butt's gonna get smaller and smaller and by the time I get up, my back is going to be on my thighs. Because I won't have no butt. You wouldn't want that to happen to me, would you? Of course you wouldn't.

• Sam Simms : Look. The kid's going to hang out, have a little fun, then we'll go on back. Now what could be wrong with that?

  Agent Dash : There's about 37 things wrong with that! Unauthorized removal of...

  Sam Simms : No! You will not list them all! I will smack you if you list them all!