Mighty Aphrodite (1995)

Woody Allen: Lenny

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Lenny Weinrib : Achilles only had an Achilles heel, I have an entire Achilles body.

• Linda Ash : You're married, aren't you?

  Lenny Weinrib : How can you tell that?

  Linda Ash : 'Cause you got that look.

  Lenny Weinrib : "That look?" What... what look is that?

  Linda Ash : That look like it's been a long time since you had a great blowjob.

• Cassandra : Now I see big trouble!

  Lenny Weinrib : Oh for God's sakes, you're such a Cassandra!

  Cassandra : I'm not 'such a Cassandra'; I am Cassandra!

• Lenny Weinrib : I'm sure that you're a state-of-the-art fellatrix.

• Max : Who is the boss between you and mommy?

  Lenny Weinrib : Who is the boss? You have to ask that? I'm the boss. Mommy is only the decision maker.

• Lenny Weinrib : Who's Rickey?

  Linda Ash : He's, he's... he takes a percentage of my work.

  Lenny Weinrib : He's a pimp right?

  Linda Ash : No, he's like a business representative.

  Lenny Weinrib : Wha? ...what do you need a business representative...? All you need is a mattress and a couple of garter belts...you're not a conglomerate!

• Lenny Weinrib : I'm completely superfluous.

  Kevin : Oh, you don't feel good?

• Lenny Weinrib : [at the racetrack]  There's a reason the horse is sixty to one though, y'know, he's probably got polio.

• Lenny Weinrib : You didn't see Schindler's List?

  Kevin : No, no... that was the one with the Jews and the, um... who were the bad guys?

  Lenny Weinrib : The Nazis. The blond guys were the Nazis.

  Kevin : They were tough motherfuckers.

• Lenny Weinrib : I told you from day one the girl was not a virgin!

  Kevin : You didn't tell me how many times though!

• Lenny Weinrib : I'm not a violence person! I write about boxing and hockey and football!

• Linda Ash : But seriously, you wanna know why I liked you right from the start?

  Lenny Weinrib : Why?

  Linda Ash : 'Cause I'm always attracted to losers.

  Lenny Weinrib : Losers. You think I'm a loser?

  Linda Ash : Yeah, you've got no confidence, it's sweet, I like that in a man. I can't stand those johns who come in and throw down a couple of hundred and whip out a big dick and wave it all over the joint.

  Lenny Weinrib : I wouldn't do that, even if I wanted to...

• Linda Ash : My father's brother was supposed to be a genius. I never met him, but everybody said he was brilliant.

  Lenny Weinrib : Really? What did he do?

  Linda Ash : He was a serial rapist. He spent his whole life in jail, but if he had gone straight, he might have been very good in math.

• Lenny Weinrib : This guy's gonna put me in 27 separate Mason jars!

• Lenny Weinrib : He's dicking around in agriculture.

  Linda Ash : What's wrong with his dick?

• Greek Chorus Leader : Don't go any further. I know what you're thinking, Lenny, and forget it!

  Lenny Weinrib : I can't forget it; the thought's been put in my head.

  Chorus : Oh, cursed fate; certain thoughts are better left unthunk.

• Lenny Weinrib : Adopt, what. I don't want to adopt. Not with my genes. I have award winning genes.

• Linda Ash : You want to go inside, take a shower? You can study me up close and personal.

  Lenny Weinrib : Oh... oh, no, I've bathed already.

• Lenny Weinrib : Six dates? It's a slow night. I wish I had the penicillin concession in your apartment.

• Lenny Weinrib : I always thought that Bender had eyes for her.

  Tiresias : Well, now he's got eyes and hands.

  Lenny Weinrib : Jesus-- Well, Amanda didn't respond, did she?

  Tiresias : No. She just opened her mouth very wide and stuck her tongue out as far as it was humanly possible to go.

  Lenny Weinrib : Jeez-- Are you sure?

  Tiresias : Well, hey-- Does the Trojan Horse have a wooden dick?

• Lenny Weinrib : Clint Eastwood doesn't play a meek little hairdresser.

• Lenny Weinrib : Meanwhile this guy's going to stare at you the whole weekend and mentally undress you.

  Amanda : He is not. He's not. God, your paranoia is rivaled in history only by Joseph Stalin.

• Linda Ash : I had a kid, Lenny, and I gave him up for adoption. It's the sorriest thing I ever did in my entire life. There's not a day that doesn't go by that I don't wake up thinking about him. Now some lucky family has him. I just hope to God that they're taking good care of him.

  Lenny Weinrib : Why'd you give him up?

  Linda Ash : I don't know. I was-- I was all confused. I had no dough. I-I-- I didn't know what to do. I-- I didn't even know who the father was. It could've been any one of a hundred guys. Welcome to planet Earth, thanks to a broken condom.

• Lenny Weinrib : Hey, wait a minute. I don't have any interest in controlling her. I'm doing this for Max's sake. When the kid gets older, inevitably he's gonna trace his mother. And, you know, I'd be happier if she was married and a-- a hairdresser, you know, rather than the star of "The Enchanted Pussy".

• Linda Ash : Yeah, well, he knows it was your idea that I get out of the business. So he said he's gonna' kill you too.

  Lenny Weinrib : He said he was gonna' kill me?

  Linda Ash : Yeah, 'cause it was your idea. He's gonna' cut up my face and put a bullet between your eyes.

  Lenny Weinrib : Really? Did he-- Did he specify the caliber?

  Linda Ash : - Listen, I just thought maybe you could just reason with him.

  Lenny Weinrib : No, I can't. I-- Listen, I never told you this, but I got a-- a slight heart murmur, and right now it's murmuring "hide."

• Chorus Leader : The girl was right. They respect strength. They despise cowardice. Power is all they know. Stand firm. Remember brave Achilles.

  Lenny Weinrib : Hey, don't get-- Achilles only had an Achilles heel. I have a full Achilles body.

• Lenny Weinrib : Linda. Linda with an "A." Linda. She's a great kid. And she's a substantial woman. This is not a dumb girl. This girl has got a PhD in-in-in... root and follicle culture.

• Kevin : The last girl I was with drove me up the wall, man. She made my stomach sick to the stomach.

  Lenny Weinrib : Linda is church people.

  Kevin : That's what I want. I want a church girl.

  Lenny Weinrib : She's great.

  Kevin : I want a nice church girl. I don't want one of these fast New York sluts. I want a nice, homely girl who likes to raise a family and dogs and all that kind of thing.

  Lenny Weinrib : Can I say two words to you? Can I say two words? Butter churn. Okay? Butter churn. This is a pioneer girl. This is a girl who is practically, incidentally, a virgin.

  Kevin : What do you mean, "practically"?

  Lenny Weinrib : I wanna level with you-- sh-she's slept with one or two guys in her life. An old college professor... a-a-and her childhood sweetheart. But both of them were killed in combat for their nation. It's a sad story.

• Linda Ash : He'd cut up my face and put a bullet between your eyes.

  Lenny Weinrib : Really? Did he-did he specify the caliber?

• Ricky, the Pimp : Well, if you're a friend of hers don't be putting stupid ideas in her head. She's liable to get hurt. You too.

  Chorus Leader : You're gonna' let him do that to you?

  Lenny Weinrib : Hey, look. Would you do me a favor and go back to Athens?

  Chorus Leader : You gonna' let your son's mother remain a white slave to this two-bit pimp?

  Lenny Weinrib : It-- It's starting to look that way, isn't it?

• Linda Ash : Are you off your fucking rocker? I'm gonna go marry an onion farmer and do hair in Wimpsville?

  Lenny Weinrib : Wampsville, not Wimpsville.