Mallrats (1995)
Jason Mewes: Jay
Photos
Quotes
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[the videotape of Shannon back-dooring Trica is playing on the big screen, with cheesy 70s porno music in background]
Shannon Hamilton : Yeah, who's your favourite New Kid. Yeah, call me Joey. Oh, come on. Don't make me get loose. Yeah, that's right. Call me Donnie. Oh, girl. Oh, please don't go girl.
Jay : Goddamn. This is one wacky game show.
Brodie : [to the cops] Hey! That girl's only 15!
[cops focus their attention on Shannon]
Shannon Hamilton : Ah, 15. I thought she was 36!
[cops are approaching him]
Shannon Hamilton : Come on, guys. Tell me you wouldn't have popped her.
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[after hitting La Fours over the head with a baseball bat]
Jay : Come son of Jor-El, kneel before Zod! Snootchie-bootchies. Ehehehehe!
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Jay : Shit, bitch, we're gonna bust up that stage like a high school kegger. We're just gonna outwit Lafours, X-Men style.
Brodie : Should I call you Logan, Weapon-X?
Jay : No, *Wolverine*! Shnickty shnickty shnoine!
Brodie : See, what he's doing is imitating Wolverine's berserker attack with his adamantium claws.
T.S. Quint : I never would have guessed.
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Jay : [to Willam, who's struggling to see a Sailboat in the Magic-Eye picture] What you need is a fatty-boom-batty blunt! And I guarantee you'll be seeing a sailboat, an ocean, and maybe even some of those big-tittied mermaids doing some of that lesbian shit! Look at me, look at me, you sloppy bitch!
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Jay : Bye baby kitties. Damn Silent Bob, show some heart.
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Jay : [as Silent Bob is 'flying' across the mall towards the stage] Fly, Fatass, fly!
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Bob Summers : Our first suitor goes to Marymount College where he majors in economics. Say hi to Doug Paging!
Jay : DO IT DOUG!
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[Jay is reading a Hustler. He shows a spread to Silent Bob]
Jay : Dude, this one looks like your mom.
[Silent Bob nods]
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[Jay explains the details of Operation Dark Knight to Silent Bob]
Jay : Okay Lunchbox, let's try this again. We tie you to the roof and you jump off and sail like a Spitfire passing right over the arch nemesis La Fours. You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin. And when that's gone the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl. You got it? Now get your fat ass up there. And dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogens.
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Jay : You're fucking kidding me! The Easter bunny did this?
Brodie : All I said was that the Easter bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down.
Jay : He's fucking dead!
Brodie : Oh let it go, he's under a lot of pressure.
[T.S. and Gwen approach them]
T.S. Quint : What the hell happened?
Jay : The guy in the Easter bunny suit kicked his ass.
Brodie : I had it coming.
Jay : [to Silent Bob] Fuck all that shit! Come on, Silent Bob.
[Jay and Silent Bob leave]
T.S. Quint : What really happened?
Brodie : The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a raincheck into my stomach.
Gwen : Shannon Hamilton?
T.S. Quint : You know that guy?
Gwen : I went out with him once after we dated. He tried to screw me some place very uncomfortable.
T.S. Quint : What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?
Brodie : Sounds like his M.O.
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T.S. Quint : [to Jay and Silent Bob] You two up for getting stoned?
Jay : Look who you're asking!
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Jay : Silent Bob here's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in eighth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using some chicken wire and shit. The mother fucker's like MacGyver. No, the mother fucker's *better than* MacGyver.
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[Jay explains the details of Operation Drive By to Silent Bob]
Jay : Phase one: First you take a run at La Fours with a sock full of quarters. I'd do it, but I pulled my back at humping your mom last night. Nootch! Okay, you clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold. That's when phase two kicks in. I attack the structure Wolvie Berzerk style, and knock out the fuckin' pin and bickety bam, the motherfucker is rubble. Hence, no game show.
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T.S. Quint : How much did you smoke?
Jay : All it took was a phat, chronic blunt. These guys were lightweights.
T.S. Quint : How much do I owe you?
Jay : My treat. As long as you promise that the next time you pop your old lady, you make her call you "Jay." Snootchie Bootchies.
T.S. Quint : Let's hope there is a next time.
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Jay : [after Silent Bob 'moves' a videotape with his mind] The Jedi mind trick! Holy shit, motherfuckin' Yoda and shit!
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Jay : [Referring to Silent Bob] Human brown-eye here's a walking calamity. We're going to have to pass on this stage trashing business, otherwise he's liable to kill himself.
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[beating up the Easter Bunny]
Jay : This is for Brodie!
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Jay : Dude, you'se a mad chick magnet.
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[Silent Bob is trying to levitate a cigarette]
T.S. Quint : What's he doing?
Jay : Shithead here watched Empire and Jedi last week and ever since then, he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick. The crazy fuck thinks he can levitate shit with his thoughts.
[slaps the cigarette out of Silent Bob's hand]
Jay : Knock it off!
Brodie : [to Silent Bob] The force is strong with this one.
Jay : Dude, don't encourage him.
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Gil Hicks : Something's going on here. Where's Mr. Svenning?
Roddy : [enters] Mr. Svenning has come down with a sudden case of diptheria.
[looks down at the two guys on the floor]
Roddy : What happened to these two?
Jay : The homeboys got a case of the mad munchies!
Gil Hicks : [points to T.S] Hey, Roddy Roddy, isn't this the guy that Svenning had arrested?
Roddy : Why yes it is. All right Quint, I don't know how you got back in here, but we're postponing the start of the show until I call Mr. Svenning. You've brought down the fire, well now you've got it! Security!
Brodie : Hey, Roddy!
[Brody puches Roddy out]
Security Guard : [enters] Somebody call security? What happened here?
Brodie : Oh, these two guys got stonned and knocked this guy out. I think he needs medical attention.
Gil Hicks : That's not what happ...
[Brody stomps on Gil's foot, silencing him]
T.S. Quint : Yeah, could you get him and these two guys out of here? The show's about to start.
Security Guard : Whatever.
Brodie : [to Gil] Look asshole, just go out there with us and behave, and you'll be just fine.
[to Jay]
Brodie : Jay, when Tricia shows up here with a video tape, you give it to Silent Bob.
Jay : Check. Say, where is that tubby bitch?
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Jay : Silent Bob stole the schematics from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness just like the fucking Death Star. You knock this crossbeam out and, fuckin' bickety-bam, the whole stage comes crashing down.
Brodie : Well we were thinking of something simple, but hey, if you want to destroy the stage, we're all for that.
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Brodie : Hey guys, you'll never guess who I just met.
[looks at the two suitors on the floor off camera]
Brodie : What happened to these two?
Jay : Power of the dark side.
T.S. Quint : Wait a minute. There's only two. There's supposed to be three! What happened to the third guy?
Jay : I never saw a third guy.
[Gil enters and looks down at the two on the floor; both he and Brodie take an instant dislike to each other]
Gil Hicks : What happened to these two?
T.S. Quint : Um... they got light headed.
Jay : You got that right.
Gil Hicks : So, what's going to happen now? They going to cancel the show?
Brodie : What do you care, asshole?
Gil Hicks : I'm supposed to be on it. I'm Gil Hicks, Suitor Number Three.
T.S. Quint : We're gonna take their places. Hi. I'm T.S. Quint, this is my friend Brodie Bruce.
Gil Hicks : Hey, didn't Svenning have you arrested?
Brodie : [belligerent] Look man, don't give him any shit!
