Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995)

Harvey Korman: Dr. Seward

Photos 

Quotes 

• [after Van Helsing and Johnanthan have returned from driving a stake through Lucy's heart] 

  Dr. Seward : I don't understand it! he's covered in blood and there's not a drop on you!

  Van Helsing : I have been to many stakings- you have to know where to stand! You know, everything in life is location, location, location...

• Van Helsing : Count Dracula. Hmm, curious. Are you descended from Vlad Tepes? The first Dracula?

  Dr. Seward : Tepes?

  Van Helsing : Ya. It means 'The Impaler.' He was a blood-thirsty butchah. He inflicted unspeakable tortures on the peasants: cutting off their hands and feet, gouging out their eyes and then impaling them on iron spikes!

  Dracula : They had it coming.

• Van Helsing : [examining Lucy's throat with a magnifying lens]  Three tiny puncture Marks on her Throat...

  Dr. Seward : Three?

  Van Helsing : [breathes on and polishes the lens]  Two. Two tiny Puncture marks on her throat.

• Jonathan Harker : Are you saying that Count Dracula is our vampire?

  Van Helsing : Yes!... and no...

  Jonathan Harker : Then what are you saying?

  Van Helsing : I'm saying no. But I'm leeeeaning towards yes.

  Dr. Seward : Then you're saying yes.

  Van Helsing : No.

  Dr. Seward : Then you're saying no.

  Van Helsing : Not necessarily.

  Jonathan Harker : You sound dubious.

  Van Helsing : No -I'm positive!

  Jonathan Harker : Of what?

  Van Helsing : Of my theory!

  Jonathan Harker : And that would be?

  Van Helsing : The theory of Yes- or no.

• Dr. Seward : [to Martin, about Renfield]  Put him in a straitjacket and give him an enema! Wait, give him an enema FIRST, then put him in a straitjacket!

• Dr. Seward : Count Dracula, allow me to introduce Professor Abraham Van Helsing of London University. He's a doctor of rare diseases as well as theology and philosophy.

  Van Helsing : And gynaecology.

  Dr. Seward : Oh, I didn't know you had your hand in that, too.

• [Renfield is having breakfast with Dr. Seward. He sees a bug on the table and eats it] 

  Dr. Seward : I was just telling Ma... what was that?

  Renfield : Huh?

  Dr. Seward : You just grabbed something from the table.

  Renfield : I did not.

  Dr. Seward : Yes you did, I saw you, you put it in your mouth. I think it was an insect.

  Renfield : [thinks of an alibi]  Oh, that was a raspberry.

  Dr. Seward : Raspberry? We're not serving raspberries.

  Renfield : Then it must have been a raisin. I guess it fell off the muffin. See? There's one missing.

  [the two men laugh. Renfield sees a spider coming towards him, and he quickly eats it up] 

  Dr. Seward : How silly of me! It must have been my imagina... there, you did it again!

  Renfield : Huh?

  Dr. Seward : You just put a bug in your mouth. I think it was a spider!

  Renfield : I did not.

  Dr. Seward : Yes, you did.

  Renfield : I did not.

  Dr. Seward : Yes, you did.

  [this goes on for two and a half rounds] 

  Dr. Seward : [shouts]  I tell you I saw you snatch a spider right of the air and eat it!

  Renfield : A spider?

  [swallows the spider in his mouth] 

  Renfield : How absurd!

• Van Helsing : Where did her blood go? There's nothing on the pillow case, or her nightgown.

  [to Dr. Seward] 

  Van Helsing : Can you explain zhat?

  [looks at Jonathan] 

  Van Helsing : Can you explain zhat?

  Dr. Seward : No, I can't explain zhat.

  Jonathan Harker : I can't explain zhat, either.

  Van Helsing : No one can explain zhat!

• [still at the breakfast scene. A grasshopper jumps onto the patio. Renfield, intentionally, throws his fork] 

  Renfield : Oh! Dropped my fork!

  [Renfield gets on all fours and scrambles under the table for the insect] 

  Dr. Seward : Mr. Renfield, what are you doing down there?

  Renfield : Fork found!

  [comes back up] 

  Renfield : Sorry for the delay.

  [the grasshopper's leg is sticking out of Renfield's mouth, and wiggling about. Renfield looks at Dr. Seward, confused] 

  Dr. Seward : My God, man! You're eating insects right from the ground!

  Renfield : What makes you say that?

  Dr. Seward : I can see one trying to get out of your mouth!

  Renfield : Out of my mouth?

  Dr. Seward : Yes, out of your mouth! Your very own mouth and it's wiggling about!

  Renfield : Don't be ridiculous! Wiggling!

  Dr. Seward : I'm not ridiculous at all! It's wiggling all over the place! Poor thing is fighting for its life!

  [Renfield eyes the grasshopper's leg, and quickly scoops it up] 

  Renfield : I don't know what you're talking about. If you insist on ranting like this, I'm going to leave!

  Dr. Seward : Me, ranting? You're the ranter!

  [Renfield spots a fly] 

  Renfield : [to the fly]  Hello, little darling!

  [grabs the air in attempt to catch the fly] 

  Renfield : Don't be afraid!

  [laughs in a strange tone] 

  Renfield : I won't hurt you! All I want is your life!

  [Renfield does a body slam across Dr. Seward's lap, and knocks everything off the table] 

• Dr. Seward : Would an enema help?