- [Daphne and Rocks are starting at each other]
- Julie Ubriacco: Look! They like each other!
- James: [to Mollie] See honey, they like each other.
- Daphne: Mongrel.
- Rocks: Bitch.
- Mikey Ubriacco: I don't wanna brush my teeth. I brushed them last Saturday!
- James: I know, but you're gonna have plants growing out of your mouth.
- Mikey Ubriacco: We need a dog. 'Cause like those guys who come to our door to sell stuff, he could chew their legs off.
- Mikey Ubriacco: Stop brushing her, Julie. She already looks like a Q-tip.
- Julie Ubriacco: Your dog smells like a diaper.
- Mikey Ubriacco: Does not!
- Julie Ubriacco: Diaper dog! Diaper dog!
- Mikey Ubriacco: Q-tip head dog.
- Julie Ubriacco: Stinky dog!
- Mikey Ubriacco: Bald-butted dog.
- Mollie: Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess, and she moved to Queens. The end.
- Julie Ubriacco: That's not a story!
- Mollie: It is tonight. Good night.
- James: Mike, what do you think of this suit?
- Mikey Ubriacco: You look like my principal.
- James: See? Even he thinks it's stupid.
- Mollie: *He* is not offering you a dental plan.
- Mikey Ubriacco: [after he and James have brought Rocks home and have seen Daphne for the first time] I like Rocks better...
- James: [putting his hand over Mikey's mouth] A dog! A dog! Finally a dog! We'll playw ith your Rocks later.
- Mikey Ubriacco: [muffled] Okay, no problem
- Mollie: As I was just telling Samantha, there's no way we'd take her precious baby away.
- [as Samantha leaves room, she grabs James and gives him a suspicious look]
- James: [citing the 'dog school' Daphne attended] Radcliffe, honey, Radcliffe!
- [walks away]
- Mollie: You want to open another one of your presents?
- Mikey Ubriacco: It's probably just more stupid clothes.
- Mollie: Well you know what? If it weren't for them you'd be freezing your little tushie off right now.
- Julie Ubriacco: Yeah!
- [Rocks and Daphne are staring at each other]
- Julie Ubriacco: Look, they like each other.
- Daphne: Mongrel.
- Rocks: Bitch.
- James: [to Mollie] See, honey. They like each other.
- Rosie: James better hurry. That bird's ready to come out.
- Mollie: Oh, he doesn't need to hurry, mother. He's having an affair.
- Rosie: What?
- Mollie: There is no meeting. He and Ms. Fortune 500 are shacked up in some cabin upstate. So while I am here, peeling thousands of little pearl onions because he loves them, he's having an affair on Christmas Eve.
- [Starts crying]
- Rosie: Come on, now. Your don't believe that.
- Mollie: Well, Mother, what would you believe?
- Rosie: Sweetie, you remember in the war when your father's ship was shelled and he was on that island?
- Mollie: For 17 days, and then he was rescued. But mother what does that have to do with this.
- Rosie: What you don't know was he was on that island alone with 13 USO girls. God forbid, it wasn't Bob Hope. Those girls they'd been around the block, and remember your father was a devastatingly handsome man.
- [They both look and see grandpop reading]
- Mollie: Go on Mother. So, what happened?
- Rosie: Nothing. At least he swore nothing happened. Said they played gin rummy the whole time.
- Mollie: And you believed him?
- Rosie: Of course not.
- Mollie: Well, Mother!
- [starts to cry again]
- Rosie: Well, now, wait. Later I met some of those girls. It turned out that he uhh hadn't played gin rummy the whole time. All he did the whole time... was talk about me. And I believed them. Now, in your heart do you really believe that James would cheat on you?
- James: [Molly, James and Julie are trying to cheer up Mikey] OH, Mikey. Mikey. What do you want? You want a pizza pie?
- Mikey Ubriacco: Oh great. The Cornball Family
- Julie Ubriacco: It didn't work.
- [turns off music player and leaves room]
- Mollie: [concerningly] Honey, you used to love that song.
- James: [also concerned] What can we do to make you feel better Mike?
- Mikey Ubriacco: Just tell me the truth. There is no Santa, is there?
- Mollie: Yes. There is, honey. But you know what it's like? I'll tell you what it's like. You know how in Cub Scouts you have den mothers? Well Santa has.. den Santa's. Alright...
- James: Mike, you want to know the truth, right? You don't want us to lie to you and this is the truth. Um... you know the whole thing about... the North Pole? Well it's just a story. It's just a story. Santa is... Santa is-is really... from Finland.
- Mollie: Finland.
- Mikey Ubriacco: Give me a break.
- James: No. He is.
- Mikey Ubriacco: How can some old guy get around the whole world in one night?
- James: Finland Airline.
- Mollie: That is correct.
- Mikey Ubriacco: And how could reindeer fly?
- James: Well becau-- Freight.
- Mikey Ubriacco: And how come Rudolph's nose glows? What is he, radioactive?
- James: Well, how come your grandfather's nose glows?
- Mollie: Um, I have the answer to this question. Mikey, some things in life are magic. Santa is magic.
- Mikey Ubriacco: [sighs] Magic's for babies.
- James: [putting his arm around her] Honey, nice try.
- Mollie: [Mollie is calling Mr Conti to locate her husband and Samantha through a noisy office party]
- Mr Conti's Secretary: Mr. Conti's office? WHAT cabin? I'm sorry, there must be some mistake. Mr Conti is in the Bahamas with his family-EEEEEEEE
- Mr Conti's Secretary: [gets prodded in a ticklish area by a playful workmate, laughs zealously]
- Rocks: [about his mothers owners] Who the heck were they?
- Rocks's mother: They're my master's.
- Rocks: They're hideous.
- Rocks's mother: They're just big dogs who walk funny. You take care of them.
- Rocks: I don't want any stupid master's.
- Rocks's mother: Someday you will.
- [sighs]
- Rocks's mother: I'll never get my figure back. It's cycle four for me.