Diggin' Up Business (1990)

Nita Talbot: Mrs. Shlumpsky

Quotes 

• Mrs. Shlumsky : Ah! May I help you?

  Mr. Coats : Oh my yes, indeed, I would hope so, yes. Um, my name is Miles Coats and - this is my day off, you see - and I was just doing a little price comparison.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Uh-huh.

  Mr. Coats : Now, I'm not looking for anything fancy.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : I understand. We here at the Papadapacropolis Funeral Home take the worry out of the unfortunate arrangements. We're here to serve you.

  Mr. Coats : That's very nice. Do you have a crematorium?

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Certainly!

• Mrs. Shlumsky : Shop around, you'll not find more reasonable rates anywhere. And there are no hidden fees for urns or gravestones that you might find at at a competitively-priced mortuary. No reasonable offer will be refused. Is the deceased a relative?

  Mr. Coats : Uh, no, she's my wife. Exactly how long does it take to completely ignite a human body?

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Not long. Depends if you use starter fluid or not. What was your wife's name?

  Mr. Coats : Uh, Sable Coats. I suppose all fluids... boil right out of the body?

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Pardon?

  Mr. Coats : Well, you know, saliva, blood... cyanide.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Not sure I take your meaning.

  Mr. Coats : Well, that is to say autopsies are not, as practice, performed on ashes, are they?

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Oh, no, not as such.

  [Coats appears upset] 

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Are you able to continue, Mr Coats?

  Mr. Coats : It's as if...

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Part of her died with you, I know. Social security number.

  Mr. Coats : She was in such pain, though. I'm just sure that she's...

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Happier now, I'm sure. Visa or Mastercard?

  Mr. Coats : Would cash be okay?

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Certainly. Cause of death?

  Mr. Coats : Um... suicide.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Would you like to make the arrangements now, Mr Coats?

  Mr. Coats : Well, I'd like a little time to think it over.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Of course. here's our price list. I do hope you'll think of us when you make the decision.

  Mr. Coats : Oh, I will, yes indeed, I will. Thank you so much, thank you.

• Tesia Papadapacropolis : Now you're gonna be the gentleman, huh? How's it going?

  Mrs. Shlumsky : He's a MEANii!

  Albert : That is good work and everything, but do you think you should be displaying him in the lobby like that?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Albert!

  Albert : Tesia! He woke!

  Desmond : Miss Tesia Papadapacropolis? I'm Struther Desmond, from MEANii.

  Albert : MEANii?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Morticians and Embalmers Allied National Organisation.

  Desmond : MEANii.

  Albert : Shouldn't that be MEANO?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : That would be silly.

  Desmond : Do you have a moment?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Yes. Sorry, the office is being painted.

  Desmond : This will do just fine. Now, as you can see, the discrepancies are quite clear.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Perhaps it would be better if you came back when Granddad was here.

  Desmond : My visit is merely a courtesy call. The internal audit is scheduled for the thirteenth. Four working days from today.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Well, that's impossible. I mean, well, Granddad won't even be back until the sixteenth.

  Desmond : Oh it's very possible, Miss Papadapacropolis. In fact, that's the way it is. And MEANii is under no legal obligation to alert you as to a probe of management. We do this as a professional service.

  Albert : Tell you what, can't you at least give her a hint as to the nature of this discrepancy?

  Desmond : Certainly not! That's for us to know and for you to find out.

  Albert : Well, your maturity is certainly appreciated.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Tesia, Honey. Trouble with Mona again.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : How about an extension? Just until Granddad gets back. I'm sure he can clear whatever the problem is up.

  Desmond : I'm sorry, Miss Papadapacropolis. That's the best I can do. Good day.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Actually, he's a cute little trick.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Mrs Shtumpsky, Mona, where is she?

  Mrs. Shlumsky : In the Suite By-and-By.

• Mrs. Shlumsky : What the H.E. double toothpicks are you talking about?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Alright Mrs Shtumpsky, the gig is up. We know about the extra bodies.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Huh?

  Albert : Look, don't toy with her.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : That's right. I've covered for you and Granddad long enough. Spill it, you old fool!

  Mrs. Shlumsky : What's your problem?

  Desmond : Officers, if I may be of assistance. Apparently this mortuary has been disposing of more dearly departed than it can account for.

  Don : I'm no party to this, I swear.

  Albert : Wait a minute, you knew about all of this?

  Desmond : Of course.

  Albert : Well then what's with "Give me the March, where's the April"?

  Desmond : MEANii provides proper procedures in perpetuity.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Mmm, alliteration.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Don't try and backtrack now, Mrs Shtumpsky. You're caught.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : You're all going mental.

  Desmond : I have all the evidence required for a full-scale investigation. More than two-thirds of your clients were never declared deceased persons. Most had only one name. For example, July nineteen, Montgomery, male. No death certificate was ever issued.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : So what do you say to that, huh?

  Hope : Wait a minute. What are you people talking about? Montgomery was a Persian.

  Don : Murderers! Racists!

  Crosby : No, not at all. We don't care about race, creed or pedigree.

  Hope : That's right. We bury animals from all walks of life.

  Desmond : Animals? Well, of course animals don't come under MEANii's jurisdiction. Wait a minute. This is no pet cemetery. All these burials were in areas set aside for people.

  Crosby : Where do you think they're coming from? Don't you remember what Shirley Mack said? We are all equal souls whatever incarnation.

  Albert : Wait a minute. You guys hid those bills?

  Hope : We figured if they didn't exist, then the deaths wouldn't either.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Existential thinking.

  Desmond : I am at a loss. Animals are a whole different ball of fur. I declare the Papadapacropolis audit officially over.

  Rossoti : Anyway, we got our man.

  [looks around for Coats, who has quietly slipped away] 

  Rossoti : Phelps? Phelps! Phelps!

  Don : [Tesia and Albert embrace]  Now stop that.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Can't wait to tell Granddad. He's gonna die when he hears about this!

  Albert : I think he already has.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : What?

• Mrs. Shlumsky : Where are you off to?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : I have to live my life, don't I?

  Mrs. Shlumsky : I suppose so.

  [telephone rings] 

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Papadapacropolis Funeral Home, how may I help you?

  Dispatcher : Yeah, this is the Palm Beach Medical Examiner's Office. We have a corpse that I think belongs to you.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Yeah? Have you got the address? Good. Ship it.

  Dispatcher : Another close California family.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : She's gone.

  Albert : Yeah, I'll say. Sometimes I just can't figure Tesia out.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : What's to figure out? She's a woman in love.

  Albert : She's not. She just thinks she is.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Suppose you told her that, did you?

  Albert : Mrs. Shtumpsky, you don't understand. Somehow Tesia got it into her head that she needs a man like Don.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Thank you for sharing.

  Albert : I care about what happens to her. She asked my opinion and I gave it to her, that's all.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : My mother used to tell me, Vera, advice is the one piece of medicine that everyone finds hard to swallow. Better to just slide a little truth under the door and let people find it themselves.

  Albert : She sounds like a wise woman.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : She was a cyclops! Every once in a while she spat out something useful. Not that I'm bitter.

  Albert : I can see that.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Your biggest mistake was taking the 'it's for your own good' approach. You've all but sent her running into the arms of another man.

  Albert : Another man? What are you talking about? This isn't a love triangle or something.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Isn't it?

  Albert : Certainly not. That'd be incestuous. That'd be gross. That'd be sick. Tesia's like a sister to me , that's all.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : If Don sees her as someone else's sister, that's his edge.

  Albert : Yeah. There's gonna be an audit first thing in the morning and I told Tesia I'd take a fresh look at the figures tonight.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Just remember while you're getting fresh with those figures, Don'll be getting fresh with hers.

• Tesia Papadapacropolis : Don happens to be perfect for me, and for once I'm not gonna let what you say color my decision.

  Albert : Look, I'm not sitting here and judging your feelings. I'm not, I'm really not.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Alright then. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't marry Don. And no more verbal gymnastics, just tell me why.

  Albert : I don't know.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : There, you see? That's what I thought. I don't either!

  [she storms out] 

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Where are you off to?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : I have to live my life, don't I?

  Mrs. Shlumsky : I suppose so.