Get Smart, Again! (1989 TV Movie)

Don Adams: Maxwell Smart

Quotes 

• Maxwell Smart : Because at this very moment, this warehouse is being surrounded by one hundred cops with Doberman pinschers. Would you believe it? A hundred cops with Doberman pinschers.

  Nicholas Dimente : I find that hard to believe.

  Maxwell Smart : Would you believe ten security guards and a bloodhound?

  Nicholas Dimente : I don't think so.

  Maxwell Smart : How about a Boy Scout with rabies?

• Maxwell Smart : Go to sleep, 99.

  Agent 99 : I can't.

  Maxwell Smart : Why not?

  Agent 99 : You're sitting on me.

• Cmdr. Drury : The fate of the civilized world depends upon you.

  Maxwell Smart : What about our side, sir?

• Agent 99 : Oh Max, how horrible.

  Maxwell Smart : Well he deserved it 99, he was nothing but a Kaos killer.

  Agent 99 : Sometimes I wonder if we're any better Max.

  Maxwell Smart : What are you talking about, 99? We have to kill and maim and destroy, we stand for everything that's good and fine and decent in the world.

• [last lines] 

  Maxwell Smart : 99, I love you better than the whole world. Would you believe it? The whole world.

  Agent 99 : Yes Max, I believe it.

  [they kiss] 

• Beamish : Mr. Smart, may I say that meeting you is the highlight of my entire career!

  Maxwell Smart : Thank you, Beamish! How long have you been with the company?

  Beamish : Three days!

• Maxwell Smart : Could you speak a little louder, sir? They're throwing dirt in my grave.

• Agent 99 : You met the President! What's he like?

  Maxwell Smart : Everything you'd expect him to be!

  Agent 99 : Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

• Cmdr. Drury : Smart, you appear to be in pretty good shape, do you work out?

  Maxwell Smart : I jog one hundred miles every day! Would you believe it? One hundred miles!

  Cmdr. Drury : I find that hard to believe.

  Maxwell Smart : Would you believe fifty?

  Cmdr. Drury : No!

  Maxwell Smart : How about two push ups and a deep breath?

• Maxwell Smart : Missed it by *that* much.

• Agent 99 : Oh, Max. You let him get away. Did you get a look at his face?

  Maxwell Smart : If that was his face he has a huge cleft in his chin!

• Agent 13 : What's our assignment? Find Hotentot?

  Maxwell Smart : 13! How did you know that?

  Agent 13 : I still got my contacts, Max. I got a friend inside the White House, really inside. She's in the plumbing!

• Larrabee : You mean you and Siegfried are triplets?

  Prof. Helmut Schmelding : No, there are three of us.

  Maxwell Smart : You mean to tell me that you have another brother who looks exactly like you and Siegfried?

  Prof. Helmut Schmelding : No, a sister.

  Larrabee : I bet she has a tough time getting dates.

• Cmdr. Drury : They can produce acid rain, destroy all our crops, and pollute our water.

  Maxwell Smart : [Incredulously]  You mean they can do that better than we're doing it now?

• Nicholas Dimente : I can drown the city that houses your finest minds, your most brilliant intillects.

  Maxwell Smart : [to 99]  Well at least Washington is safe.

• Maxwell Smart : Ok, I'll go in and you cover me.

  Agent 99 : Max, I dont have a gun.

  Maxwell Smart : Eh, ok, then you go in and I'll cover you.

  Agent 99 : Max!

  Maxwell Smart : Eh, I've got a gun for you, 99.

  [pulls open elbow-patch, takes out mini-gun] 

  Maxwell Smart : Max this looks like a tootsie role with a trigger. What do you say when you use this, 'Put your finger up?'

  Maxwell Smart : Well, it might not look like much, 99, but when you attach this noiser to it...

  Agent 99 : Noiser?

  Maxwell Smart : ...a bang becomes a boom.

• Cmdr. Drury : [on phone]  This is the single most important telephone call you will ever receive. The fate of the world depends upon you.

  Maxwell Smart : [on shoephone]  Could you hold that thought for a second sir, someone's coming.

  [Max moves off as a coffin slides by] 

  Cmdr. Drury : He put the world on hold.

• Maj. Waterhouse : The Cone of Silence. It's an obsolete anti-bugging device.

  Maxwell Smart : Well, it's not really obsolete, sir. as a matter of fact, I bought one at the Control garage sale, it's hanging over my bed.

  Cmdr. Drury : Over your bed?

  Maxwell Smart : I talk in my sleep.

• Cmdr. Drury : Now Smart, remember, KAOS will do everything in it's power to try to stop you. You'll be in imminent danger and constant jeopardy, facing death at every turn.

  Maxwell Smart : And... loving it!

• Maxwell Smart : Where have you been keeping yourself?

  Agent 13 : [lying in a cabinet drawer]  Oh, here and there, just part-time spying now. Two weeks in a toilet in Talido, a voodoo drum in Haiti. That was kind of fun, like a vacation.

• Maxwell Smart : We need you to come back to work for Control.

  Hymie : Sure, when you need me you come around. Otherwise I never hear from you. It really hurts, Max. I'm not made of stone, you know.

  [hits his metal chest] 

• Dr. Denton : We have perfected a mini-camera that fits right into your nose. All you have to do is press this button on your jacket and your elbow will record what your nose sees.

  Maxwell Smart : Well, wouldn't it be better if my nose recorded what my elbow sees?

  Dr. Denton : No.

  Maxwell Smart : No?

  Dr. Denton : No.

  Maxwell Smart : No.

  Dr. Denton : Simply because in your elbow patch compartment there is a mini recorder plus everything else you might need. A mini-magnet, a mini-gun and a mini-condom.

  Larrabee : I'm curious. What use do we have for a mini-magnet?

  Dr. Denton : All you need to know is in your mini-manual which is in your other elbow patch compartment.

• Maxwell Smart : We've got one week to save the world. Lucky it's this week, we set our clocks back on Sunday.

  Larrabee : That gives us an extra hour.

• Maxwell Smart : [Max is holding a vase and a lamp and keeping a grandfatherclock from falling with his back]  Wait a minute. Eh. Do me a favor.

  Beademeyer : [pointing a gun at Max]  What?

  Maxwell Smart : [holds up the lamp and the vase]  Hold these while I read you your rights.

• Agent 99 : Max, was that man from KAOS?

  Maxwell Smart : How did you know, 99?

  Agent 99 : Remember Gruvnik?

  Maxwell Smart : Of course, Gruvnik the Spoiler!

  Agent 99 : Right. In 1969 he was traded by KAOS to THRUSH for a rookie killer and two minor-league muggers. That man was Beademeyer, one of the muggers.

  Maxwell Smart : Of course, I should've remembered his clammy hands.

• Maxwell Smart : I agree, 99. There's something rotten in Detroit.

  Hymie : That's Denmark, Max.

  Maxwell Smart : Oh. Well, things haven't been that great in Detroit either.

• Maxwell Smart : It's the old, old Trojan horse trick.

  Cmdr. Drury : That could work... 99, are you sure this isn't your idea?

  Agent 99 : No, it was Max's.

• Maxwell Smart : Well, we'll just have to chalk this up to a precious waste of time... and chalk.

• Agent 99 : Max, I can't believe me, I'm all butterflies. Do you realize how long it's been since we've done something this exciting together?

  Maxwell Smart : What was wrong with Tuesday night?

• Agent 99 : Oh Max, I divulged too much. I didn't need to list all of your idiosyncrasies.

  Maxwell Smart : My idiosyncrasies?

  Agent 99 : Pages 127 to 145.

  Maxwell Smart : Why couldn't you just write a diet book like everybody else?

• Maxwell Smart : [Max holds up Tolstoy's War and Peace to block a KAOS agent with a knife]  Nobody gets through War and Peace!

• President : Believe me, it's not easy to send one of my men off on a mission that some of my Cabinet members have characterized as, one of certain death.

  Maxwell Smart : Certain death?

  President : Yes, but in my opinion I have no other choice.

  Maxwell Smart : Could we get a second opinion?