- King Arnulf: [Hy-Brasil is sinking, everything is collapsing and exploding] Everyone stay calm! This is not happening!
- Thorfinn Skullsplitter: You mean... you can't kill ANYBODY?
- King Arnulf: Right! Isn't it wonderful?
- Thorfinn Skullsplitter: What? Not being able to kill anybody?
- King Arnulf: Well, of course.
- Erik: How?
- King Arnulf: Well... for a start... er... there's no killing...
- Erik: Well, OBVIOUSLY there's no killing.
- King Arnulf: Well...
- Thorfinn Skullsplitter: But how d'you take revenge?
- Keitel Blacksmith: How do you punish people?
- Ivar the Boneless: How do you DEFEND yourselves?
- King Arnulf: We don't have to. We're all terribly nice to each other.
- Harald the Missionary: Listen. I've been in this dump for sixteen years and I haven't made a single convert...
- Snorri the Miserable: There was Thorbjorn Vifilsson's wife. You converted HER.
- Harald the Missionary: Thorbjorn Vifilsson's wife became a Buddhist, not a Christian.
- Snorri the Miserable: Same thing, isn't it?
- Harald the Missionary: No, it is NOT.
- Erik: And you, Sven, aren't you afraid of crossing the Rainbow Bridge to Asgaard?
- Sven the Berserk: I will join my grandfather there!
- Thorfinn Skullsplitter: He's not in Valhalla! He died of old age.
- Thorfinn's Mum: And you've got BOTH axes?
- Thorfinn Skullsplitter: Yes, Mother.
- Thorfinn's Mum: And something to sharpen them with?
- Thorfinn Skullsplitter: Yes, Mum.
- Thorfinn's Mum: And don't forget: never let your enemy get behind you.
- Thorfinn Skullsplitter: No, Mother.
- Thorfinn's Mum: And keep your sword greased.
- Thorfinn Skullsplitter: Yes, Mother. Goodbye, Dad.
- Thorfinn's Dad: And don't forget to wash - you know - ALL over.
- Thorfinn Skullsplitter: No, Dad.
- Thorfinn's Mum: And if you have to kill somebody, KILL them! Don't stop to think about it.
- Thorfinn Skullsplitter: I never do...
- Erik: Maybe none of us will return.
- Snorri the Miserable: Oh, well that's much more sensible than just Thorfin getting killed. Shall we all go and pack now?
- Thorfinn Skullsplitter: Are you all right?
- Ivar the Boneless: No, I'm not.
- Thorfinn Skullsplitter: You don't need to feel bad about being sea-sick, you know.
- Ivar the Boneless: How can you help feeling bad when you're sea-sick?
- Thorfinn Skullsplitter: I mean many of the greatest sailors were.
- Ivar the Boneless: I know. I know.
- Thorfinn Skullsplitter: Olaf Tryggvason used to throw up on every single voyage... the whole time... non-stop... puke... puke... puke.
- Ivar the Boneless: Look! I don't feel BAD about it. I just feel ILL.
- Thorfinn Skullsplitter: He used to puke in his sleep.
- Ivar the Boneless: Bastard.
- King Arnulf: Now, I want you to be absolutely, totally, genuinely honest with me. Did you really, truly, honesty like it?
- Erik: ...No.
- King Arnulf: They didn't like it! Oh my God! I want to die!
- Helga: [Erik has accidentally run his sword through her while killing the other two Vikings who were raping her] Thanks for saving me from a fate worse than death.
- Erik: I didn't mean to!
- Helga: [Gasping for breath] Oh, that's all right then. It's the thought that counts.
- Erik: You told them I raped you, why?
- Helga: I don't know. You looked so - vulnerable.
- Erik: Why should you care?
- Helga: Why should you care?
- Erik: Tell me your name? Tell me, what is it?
- [Helga dies before she can answer]
- Halfdan the Black: Look, I'm not an unreasonable man, Thord Andersson, but this is the second chance that I've given you.
- Prisoner: But I'm a poor man, sir.
- Halfdan the Black: Yes, but it's not just me, you see. A lot of people depend on this money. I really can't give you a third chance, I'm so sorry.
- Halfdan the Black: [to his henchmen] Er, would you please behead him? Please?...
- Prisoner: Oh no! Take all my sheep, all of them.
- Halfdan the Black: Oh, that's a good idea. Take all his sheep.
- Snorri the Miserable: Anyone know any good drowning songs?
- Erik: Listen! Maybe we won't get to Hy-Brasil! Maybe we won't find the Horn Resounding... but at least we've tried... and at least we shall have died like men.
- Snorri the Miserable: Like fish.
- Sven the Berserk: You'll see my grandfather in Valhalla.
- Thorfinn Skullsplitter: [dying of wounds] No... he's not... not there.
- Princess Aud: Have you ever felt like this about anyone else?
- Erik: You mean got into bed with them?
- Princess Aud: No. Of course not, silly. No, I mean felt like this about them?
- Erik: You mean you have got into bed with somebody else?
- Princess Aud: No, I mean have you ever felt that for the first time in your life you've met someone you really can believe in with your whole heart? Someone who's goals suddenly seem to be your goals. Those dreams become your dreams.
- Erik: Have you ever been to bed with anyone else?
- Princess Aud: But, but you loved her all the same?
- Erik: We never went to bed together.
- Princess Aud: Why do you go on about that?
- Erik: You have been to bed with somebody else, haven't you?
- Princess Aud: I've never loved anybody!
- Erik: I've never been to bed with anybody!
- Halfdan the Black: [to his henchmen] Er, just cut his hand off.
- Prisoner: Oh, Thank you my lord! Thank you a million thanks yous. You can cut them both off if you want! Thank you very much.
- Harald the Missionary: You know, my son, our lord said...
- Snorri the Miserable: Your lord.
- Harald the Missionary: Quite... my lord said: "The Prayer of Faith shall have the sick."
- Snorri the Miserable: I hope the Dragon of North Sea gets you and your lord.
- Harald the Missionary: Darkness and ignorance...
- Helga: Why do you have to go around killing and looting all the time?
- Erik: To pay for the next expedition, of course.
- Helga: But that's a circular argument! If the only reason for the expedition is the killing and looting and the only reason for the killing and looting is to pay for the next expedition, they cancel each other out.
- Erik: Stop talking as if we were married!
- Helga: Well you started it.
- Erik: I just said I didn't feel like raping you.
- Helga: And I was just saying that rape is no more pointless or crude than all the killing and looting.
- Erik: What's it all about, grandpa?
- Erik's Grandfather: What?
- Erik: We toil and labour, we loot and pillage - we rape and kill, and yet...
- Erik's Grandfather: Why're you talking this piffle, son?
- Erik: Where does it all get us, Grandpa?
- Erik's Grandfather: Who you've been talking to?
- Erik: I met this girl.
- Erik's Grandfather: A woman. It's always a woman who causes all the trouble.
- Erik: She got me thinking.
- Erik's Grandfather: So? What'd you do to her?
- Erik: I killed her.
- Erik's Grandfather: That's my boy!
- [laughs]
- Freya: The Old Stories tell of an age that would come such as this when Fenrir the Wolf would swallow the sun, and a Great Winter would settle on the world. It was to be an axe age, a sword age, a storm age, when brother would turn against brother, and men would fight each other until the world was finally destroyed.
- Erik: Then this is the Age of Ragnarok?
- Thorfinn Skullsplitter: Let's hack her to pieces!
- Erik: No.
- Keitel Blacksmith: Well, what else do we do?
- Erik: How? How about making friends?
- Sven the Berserk: "Friends"?
- Erik: Well what's wrong with making friends?
- Thorfinn Skullsplitter: You don't go through all the hardships of an ocean voyage to make "friends".
- Sven the Berserk: We can make "friends" at home!
- Slavemaster: Row! Row! You incomprehensible, horizontal eyed western trouser wearers. Eurgh! You all look the same to me.
- Slavemaster: Silence! Unceremonious rice pudding eater! How I despise your lack of subtlety and your joined up writing. You who have never committed ritual suicide in your life!
- Slavemaster: How I abominate your milk drinking and your lack of ancestor worship and your failure to eat your lunch out of little boxes.
- Erik: Thangbrand sit where Ornulf is. Ornulf sit where Ulf is. Ulf sit where Thangbrand was. Ragnar sit behind Thorfinn. Thorfinn stay where you are.
- Sven's Dad: I wanted to sit next to Leif.
- Erik: Shut up. Sven switch with Snorri. Snorri sit behind Sven. Keitel sit here, Harald there, Leif there, Bjarni there.
- Harald the Missionary: [during monster attack] It's at time like this that this book is most useful.
- Halfdan the Black: What's the matter? Haven't you seen anybody fight before?
- Bjarni: No. They're usually too scared of us.
- Loki: Erik and the men of Ravensfjord are setting off to cross the Western Ocean.
- Halfdan the Black: Lucky things! I could do with a holiday, I can tell you. All this financial work, you know... The stress really gets you.
- [to his henchmen holding a prisoner]
- Halfdan the Black: Um... flay him alive, garrotte him and then behead him.
- Erik's Grandfather: Erik, what are you doing? Thorfinn just said that Sven's grandfather died of old age.