Keanu Reeves: Ted 'Theodore' Logan
Photos
Quotes
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Ted : Strange things are afoot at the Circle-K.
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Bill : It is indeed a pleasure to introduce to you a gentleman we picked up in medieval Mongolia in the year 1269.
Ted : Please welcome, the very excellent barbarian...
Ted , Bill : ...MR. GENGHIS KHAN!
[All the students applaud wildly for Khan]
Ted : This is a dude who, 700 years ago, totally ravaged China, and who, we were told, 2 hours ago, totally ravaged Oshman's Sporting Goods.
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[Bill and Ted are working on their history report]
Bill : Okay, Ted, George Washington. One: the father of our country.
Ted : Two: born on President's Day.
Bill : Three: the dollar-bill guy.
Ted : Bill, you ever made a mushroom out of his head? It's like, just like...
Bill : Ted. Alaska.
Ted : Okay. Um... Had wooden teeth, chased Moby Dick.
Bill : That's Captain Ahab, dude.
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Bill : He's dead?
Mr. Ryan : So, Bill, what you're telling me, essentially, is that Napoleon was a short dead dude.
Bill : Well, yeah.
Ted : You totally blew it, dude.
Mr. Ryan : Ted, stand up.
Ted : Stand up?
Mr. Ryan : Yes, son. Stand up.
[Ted stands]
Mr. Ryan : Now, who was Joan of Arc?
Ted : ...Noah's wife?
[laughter, then bell]
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[Bill and Ted are in Ancient Greece]
Bill : [approaching Socrates] How's it going? I'm Bill, this is Ted. We're from the future.
Socrates : Socrates.
Ted : [whispering to Bill] Now what?
Bill : I dunno. Philosophize with him!
Ted : [clears his throat, to Socrates] "All we are is dust in the wind," dude.
[Socrates gives them a blank stare]
Bill : [scoops up a pile of dust from the basin before them and lets it run out of his hand] Dust.
[he blows the remainder away]
Bill : Wind.
Ted : [points at Socrates] Dude.
Socrates : [Socrates gasps] Yes! "Like the sands of the hourglass, so are the Days of our Lives..."
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One Of The Three Most Important People in the World : It's you!
Ted : Yeah! It's us!
[to Bill]
Ted : Who are we?
[the strangers start playing air guitar, so Bill and Ted play also; more people come out and join them]
Ted : Bill, I think they want us to say something.
Bill : What should I say?
Ted : [shrugs] Make something up.
Bill : Be excellent to each other.
[room murmurs appreciatively]
Ted : Party on, dudes!
[room approves]
Bill : [to Ted] Good one, dude.
[to room]
Bill : Well, we gotta get back to our report.
Ted : Yeah. We'd take you with us, but it's a history report, not a future report.
Bill : Later.
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[after seeing the Princesses Joanna and Elizabeth]
Bill : Ted?
Ted : I'm in love, dude.
Bill : Whoa. Those must be the princesses you told yourself about at the Circle-K. We gotta go. It's a history report, not a babe report.
Ted : But, Bill, those are historical babes.
Bill : Okay, you're the ladies' man. How we gonna meet 'em?
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Billy the Kid : Here's the deal. What I win, I keep. What you win, I keep.
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Bill : Ted, while I agree that, in time, our band will be most triumphant. The truth is, Wyld Stallyns will never be a super band until we have Eddie Van Halen on guitar.
Ted : Yes, Bill. But, I do not believe we will get Eddie Van Halen until we have a triumphant video.
Bill : Ted, it's pointless to have a triumphant video before we even have decent instruments.
Ted : Well, how can we have decent instruments when we don't really even know how to play?
Bill : That is why we NEED Eddie Van Halen!
Ted : And THAT is why we need a triumphant video.
[air guitar, the clock chimes 8:00 am]
Bill : Uh oh, we're late!
Ted : For what?
Bill : For school, dude!
Ted : Oh yeah.
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Bill , Ted : How's it goin' ladies?
Princess Elizabeth : You're the ones we saw in front of the castle.
Ted : I am Ted of San Dimas, and, uh, I bring to you a message of love.
Princess Elizabeth : [giggles] From who?
Ted : [thinking] From... from myself.
Princess Elizabeth : And what is this message you speak of?
Ted : Uh...
Bill : [whispers in ted's ear] Lyrics, dude, recite them some lyrics.
Ted : Oh, you beautiful babes from England, for whom we have traveled through time... will you go to the prom with us in San Dimas? We will have a most triumphant time!
[princesses giggle]
Bill : Way to go, dude!
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[Bill and Ted have just landed the booth in Bill's yard]
Ted : Uh, Ms. Preston. We'd like you to meet some of our... friends.
Bill : Yeah. This is Dave Beeth-Oven.
[Beethoven kisses Missy's hand. She laughs]
Bill : And, uh, Maxine of Arc, Missy. Herman the Kid.
Ted : Bob "Genghis" Khan. So-cratz Johnson. Dennis Frood. And, uh, uh... Abraham Lincoln.
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Billy the Kid : Not bad, eh, Socrates? Where are we, dude?
Bill : England, 15th century.
Ted : We are in most excellent shape for our report.
Bill : Yeah, all we need is one more speaker from medieval.
Billy the Kid : Excellent.
Bill : Billy, you are dealing with the oddity of time travel with the greatest of ease.
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Capt. Logan : I want to speak with you, son.
[looks at Bill]
Capt. Logan : Alone, please, Bill.
[Bill goes outside]
Capt. Logan : All right, sit down. What am I gonna do with you, huh? You can't be...
Bill : [outside] Great.
Capt. Logan : You lose my keys, you fail history, you spend all your time with your loser friend planning a band that'll never happen. Now, you're not to leave this house again until tomorrow morning.
[the phone rings]
Capt. Logan : Yes?
Bill : Captain Logan? This is Deputy Van Halen down at the station.
Capt. Logan : Deputy Van Halen?
[Ted sees Bill on the phone outside]
Bill : I'm new dude - sir. Look, we found your keys. If you want 'em, better come and get 'em.
[hangs up]
Capt. Logan : When I get back from the station, I want you packed and ready to go. Got it?
[Ted nods; Capt. Logan leaves]
Ted : [outside] We are in serious trouble. My dad already signed me up, my plane leaves tommorow night.
Bill : Only if we fail, dude.
[they look at the phone booth]
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Ted : [Ted stares down Missy's shirt as she leans forward, and then looks over and catches Bill staring as well] It's your *MOM* dude!
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Ted : Excuse me. When did the Mongols rule China?
Lady at the Circle K : I don't know. I just work here.
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Bill : If only we could go back to two days ago before your dad lost his keys, and steal them.
Ted : Well, why don't we?
Bill : Cuz we don't have time, dude.
Ted : We could do it after the report.
Bill : Oh, yeah! Where should we put 'em?
Ted : How 'bout behind this sign?
Bill : OK... Whoa! It worked!
Ted : Right, so when we're done with the report, we have to remember to do this or else it won't happen... but it did happen! Wow, it *was* me who stole my dad's keys!
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[seeing Missy as they arrive back in Bill's yard]
Billy the Kid : Whoa, who's the senorita? She's cute.
Ted : It's his mom, dude.
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Ted : Want a Twinkie, Genghis Khan? Say please! Mmmm...
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Ted : [walking down the street with Bill in the west] Hey, Bill. This is just like Frontierland!
Bill : Yeah, but you can get shot here, Ted.
Ted : Oh.
Bill : So just try to act natural.
Ted : Okay. Howdy, partner!
Old West Pedestrian : Howdy.
Bill : Watch out for the horse crap, Ted.
Ted : [sidestepping a big mound of horse excrement] Oh. Thanks, dude.
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Bill : [Reading a fax on a desk while sneaking around in the Police Station's administrative section that their other selves have left them] "Dear Bill and Ted, good luck on the report. Sincerely, Bill S. Preston, Esquire and Ted 'Theodore' Logan."
Ted : That was nice of us.
Bill : [reading another fax they sent themselves] P.S., duck!
Bill : [They do so and avoid being spotted by an officer passing by at that exact time]
[to Ted]
Bill : Excellent work, Dude!
Ted : [to Bill] Way to go!
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Bill : Who are you guys?
Future Ted : We're you, dude.
Ted : No way. No... way.
Future Ted : Yes way.
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Capt. Logan : You pack your bags, Ted.
Ted : What?
Capt. Logan : You're going to military school, Ted.
Ted : But, Dad...
Capt. Logan : [interrupting] No, I don't wanna hear it, Ted.
Ted : But...
Capt. Logan : Ted! You go home and pack your bags now!
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Captain Logan : [Captain Logan sees Bill and Ted pushing Billy the Kid out of the prison block window] Ted, what in the hell do you think you're doing?
Ted : Trash can... remember a trash can!
Captain Logan : Trash can? What are you talking about...
[a trash can with "Wyld Stallyans Rule" written on the side lands on Captain Logan's head]
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Ted : What are you doin' home, Dad?
Capt. Logan : I'm looking for my keys.
Ted : Oh!
Capt. Logan : You haven't done anything with them, have ya?
Ted : No, sir.
Capt. Logan : I spoke to your principal today, Ted. He said you're failing history.
Ted : Me and Bill...
Capt. Logan : He also said that if you fail history, you flunk out of school. You know what that would mean, don't ya, Ted?
Ted : That I would have to go to Oates Military Acadamy, sir.
Capt. Logan : Uh-huh. I spoke to Colonel Oates this morning. He's anxious to meet you, Ted.
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Bill : Mr. Ryan, before you say anything, my distinguished colleague Ted and I wish to express to you our thanks - for all the things we have learned in your class.
Mr. Ryan : And what have you learned?
Bill : We have, uh... We've learned that the world has a great history.
Ted : Yes! And that thanks to great leaders such as Genghis Khan, Joan of Arc, and Socratic Method, the world is - *full* of history.
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Sigmund Freud : Therefore, Ted's father's own fear of failure has caused him to make his son the embodiment of all of his own deepest - anxieties about himself. And, hence, his aggression transference onto Ted.
Ted : Whoa!
