Without a Clue (1988)

Michael Caine: Sherlock Holmes, Reginald Kincaid

Photos 

Quotes 

• Holmes : It wasn't YOU he tried to kill!

  Watson : Think man, think... Who was SUPPOSED to be in that room?

  Holmes : That's right! You were!

  Watson : Moriarty knows... I'm am the only match for his evil genius.

  Holmes : You mean he's not trying to kill me?

  Watson : Of course not. He knows you're an idiot.

  Holmes : Oh, thank God.

• Holmes : I'm reminded of the curious case of the Manchurian Mambo...

  Watson : Holmes, could I have a word?

  Holmes : Yes, what is it?

  Watson : I believe that was the Manchurian Mamba.

  Holmes : Mambo, mamba. What's the difference?

  Watson : Well, very little, except that one is a deadly, poisonous snake, while the other is a rather festive Carribean dance.

  Holmes : It was a night like any other, when suddenly a knock came at the door. I opened it, and there were these Manchurians, doing a rather festive Carribean dance...

• Holmes : How can I be expected to maintain the character when you belittle me in front of those hooligans?

  Watson : Character? Are we talking about the same man who once declared with total conviction that the late Colonel Howard had been bludgeoned to death with a blunt *excrement*?

  Holmes : Is it my fault you have such poor handwriting?

• Holmes : As a matter of fact, Lestrade, You can be some help.

  Inspector Lestrade : Of course!

  Holmes : Hold my coat, it's hot in here.

• Sherlock Holmes : What are you doing?

  Dr. Watson : Thinking.

  Sherlock Holmes : Right. I'm going to think too.

  [Long pause] 

  Sherlock Holmes : What shall we think about, Watson?

• Sherlock Holmes : I've got it! His real name is Arty-Morti!

• Dr. Watson : Believe it or not, I'm every bit Holmes's equal as a detective.

  Lord Smithwick : [scoffing]  Dr. Watson...

  Dr. Watson : Ha ha, I happen to know that you recently recovered from an illness; that you smoke a pipe, ah!, probably, uh, rosewood; and you spent time in China...

  Inspector Lestrade : [interrupting]  Sorry, doctor, this is no time for parlor games.

  Dr. Watson : I'm not playing parlor games-...

  Inspector Lestrade : Doctor, this is a matter for professionals!

  Sherlock Holmes : [bursting in]  You've got to help me! There's two big men...

  Dr. Watson : Holmes, you're back - so good to see you! My, this is a clever disguise - a drunken lout. Ha, very realistic.

  Sherlock Holmes : There's two - this one big fellow...

  Dr. Watson : Ah, excuse us just a moment.

  [He whisks Holmes into the next room; after some banging about they return, now calm] 

  Dr. Watson : Gentlemen, Mr. Sherlock Holmes.

  Sherlock Holmes : Ah, Lestrade. It's good to see the department's letting you out at night again. Lord Smithwick - trouble at the exchequer?

  Lord Smithwick : Well, to be honest - Wait, how did you know?

  Sherlock Holmes : The same way that I can tell you recently recovered from an illness; smoke a pipe, probably rosewood; and have spent some time in...

  Dr. Watson : [prompting]  China.

  Sherlock Holmes : China.

  Lord Smithwick : AMAZING!

  Sherlock Holmes : Thank you. Uh, uh, Lord, uh, Smithwick, um, before we start, perhaps a... little sherry?

  Lord Smithwick : I wish we could. But the matter which brings me here involves the fate of the entire Empire.

  Sherlock Holmes : I see. Perhaps a whiskey, then?

• Holmes : [coming back drunken to the hotel]  Holmes, sweet Holmes!

• Holmes : An occasional libation enables me to stiffen my resolve.

  Mrs. Hudson : Your resolve should be pickled by now!

• Watson : I'll ask you once more: Are you coming with me?

  Holmes : I would rather waltz naked through the fires of Hell.

• [Holmes and Watson are walking through some woods. Holmes is looking up into the trees] 

  Holmes : What am I looking for?

  Watson : Footprints.

  Holmes : Ah.

  [Holmes looks down] 

  Holmes : Have I found any yet?

  Watson : Not yet.

  Holmes : Well let me know when I do.

• Holmes : Lovely story, Watson. But on page 2 you have me admitting a mistake.

  Watson : A writer must write of which he knows...

• Holmes : I couldn't detect horse manure if I stepped in it!

• [Holmes has just tried and failed to hang himself] 

  Mrs. Hudson : Mr. Holmes! What would Dr. Watson say?

  Holmes : He would have offered to kick the chair out from underneath me!

• [Holmes is approached by two menacing-looking thugs in a pub] 

  Holmes : Ah, gentlemen. And what can I do for you? A mystery to be solved?

  Thug : You might say that. There's a little matter of a gambling debt, and the mystery is why you ain't paid it.

• Watson : Have you got your revolver with you?

  Holmes : Yeah, sure.

  [fumbles around] 

  Holmes : Here it is.

  Watson : Right, now I'm going to let you have some bullets for it. Try not to shoot yourself - at least, not until I give the signal.

• Holmes : MORIARTY?

  Watson : Oh, for God's sake...

  Holmes : You didn't tell me that homicidal maniac was in on this!

  Watson : That's because I knew you'd behave this way.

  Holmes : Bravo! Another triumph for deductive reasoning!

• Watson : Lord Mayor! Don't move until Holmes has searched the area for clues!

  Holmes : My GOD I've trained you well, Watson!

• Lord Smithwick : And I don't have to tell you what that would mean.

  Sherlock Holmes : Yes you do.

• Sherlock Holmes : Ah, now, now, we know for a fact that Giles was on the boat.

  Dr. Watson : No, we don't.

  Sherlock Holmes : Oh. Well, we do know for a fact that Giles arrived in Windermere.

  Dr. Watson : No he didn't.

  Sherlock Holmes : (He didn't? I thought he did.) Ah. Well, we really know that Giles was behind the theft of the printing plates.

  Dr. Watson : No, he wasn't.

• Leslie : Oh, you brave, brave man!

  Sherlock Holmes : Danger is my trade - but not yours. It's unsafe for you to sleep alone tonight, unattended.

  Dr. Watson : Yes, we insist you stay with us.

  Leslie : Oh, but, but surely I'd be an imposition.

  Sherlock Holmes : Think nothing of it, my dear.

  Dr. Watson : Indeed. Holmes will be working... all night anyway, so you can have his room.

• Sherlock Holmes : I warn you, sir, I've killed as many as six men in a week. Eight if you count matinees.

• Sherlock Holmes : [after poking a dead man with a stick]  It is my opinion... that he is dead.

• Watson : Last night, Holmes realized how stupid he had been.

  Holmes : Now, I didn't say stupid...

  Watson : Yes, you did.

• [Sherlock Holmes and Professor Moriarty prepare to have a swordfight on the stage of the Orpheum Theater] 

  Professor James Moriarty : Ordinarily I do not bother with half-wits and buffoons.

  [Holmes reaches to draw a sword from nearby, but grabs Mrs. Hudson's umbrella by accident] 

  Holmes : Buffoons, is it?

  [Moriarty looks annoyed. Realizing his mistake, Holmes quickly tosses the umbrella aside and draws a sword for real this time] 

  Holmes : Buffoon, is it?

  Mrs. Hudson : [Looking on with Dr. Watson]  He'll be killed!

  Dr. Watson : I quite doubt it, Mrs. Hudson. He's in his element now.

• [Holmes and Watson enter a home and Watson picks up the mail] 

  Dr. Watson : Oh, a French postcard.

  Holmes : Really?

  [he takes the card from Watson] 

  Holmes : I know a chap who collected these once. He had this wonderful one... two women... oh, it's just a picture of the Eiffel Tower.

• Holmes : The Shadow of Death. The gripping drama was the last play presented at the Orpheum. It closed after only one night, but not without garnering some praise. Harris in the Daily Telegram said, 'In an otherwise dismal evening, Reginald Kincaid provided some welcome laughs.'

  Wiggins : You said it was a gripping drama!

  Holmes : It's unimportant now, isn't it?

• Local #1 : A toast to the greatest detective in all the world.

  Holmes : Thank you, gentlemen. I am touched.

  Watson : I can vouch for that!

• Lord Mayor Gerald Fitzwalter Johnson : Well, Mr. Holmes. Any theories?

  Holmes : Obviously, the victim had been caught in a storm too far from shore to swim for it.

  Lord Mayor Gerald Fitzwalter Johnson : Yes, and with that heavy suitcase attached to his wrist, and the lake being so deep.

  Holmes : Quite. Pulled the poor wretch to the bottom, struggling futilely, flailing desperately as the cold, black water sealed his fate forever Well, it's certainly been a laugh. Thank you.

• Watson : Holmes believes your father has been abducted.

  Leslie : Abducted? By who?

  Sherlock Holmes : Abductors

• Lady on Train : Are you Sherlock Holmes?

  Holmes : I am indeed, madam. Would you like my autograph?

  Lady on Train : [Kicks Holmes in the shin and pummels him with her handbag]  You put me old man in jail, you did.

• Holmes : I see, and observe.

  Reporter #2 : Isn't that rather redundant?

• Holmes : He sees, but does not observe. Whereas I see and observe and thus bring many notorious blaggards to justice.

• Holmes : Well, if you want my opinion...

  Watson : I beg your pardon. Opinion, did you say?

  Holmes : Oh, my God. Not that speech again.

  Watson : May I remind you, for your information, sir, that your opinions are my opinions?

  Holmes : Oh, piffle!

• Holmes : Really, Watson, I think you underestimate my own natural deductive abilities.

• Holmes : Do you know what it's like to commit to memory a never-ending list of clues and deductions to be parroted back to Lestrade and reporters? Blood stains on a toothpick! Cigar ash! New soil in the garden next door! Endless twaddle!

  Watson : Twaddle? Are you referring to the systematic gathering of evidence and the logical deductions based thereon?

  Holmes : I am referring to twaddle. And you would be well served, Watson, to include fewer of those dreary details in future chronicles, and place greater emphasis on me. I am, after all, the one the public really cares about.

• Holmes : Watson, I was once a figment of your imagination. But now, Sherlock Holmes belongs to the whole world.

• [Holmes has just agreed to investigate the theft of the printing plates for the 5-pound note; with them, the thieves would be able to produce counterfeit notes which were indistiguishable from the genuine article, leading to economic ruin for the country] 

  Holmes : Gentlemen, I accept this case. My fee will be 500 pounds... payable in 10-pound notes.

• Lord Smithwick : Why, the man's worked here for over 30 years, and he was very religious too, wouldn't you say so, uh...

  Hadlers : Hadlers, sir. Oh yes, sir. He was always quoting from the Psalms.

  Holmes : Ah, the Psalms. One of my favorite books. The, uh, Bible, wasn't it?

  Watson : I suppose you'll want to speak to this Peter Giles, Holmes?

  Holmes : Well actually, I've never been one for religious talk myself.

  Watson : Mmm, Mmm.

  Holmes : On the other hand, no lead must be overlooked.

• Holmes : Very creative, Watson. Something that would never have occurred to the likes of me. Imagine! A Sherlock Holmes adventure in which Lestrade solves the bloody case!

• Holmes : [after regaling a bunch of men in the local pub with a tale]  If it hadn't been for my flawless footwork, I'd be standing here a dead man today.

• Watson : Miss Leslie Giles?

  Leslie : Yes.

  Watson : Dr. John Watson at your service. And this is Mr. Sherlock Holmes.

  Leslie : Sherlock Holmes? But what do you want with me?

  Holmes : The government suspects that your father has stolen the printing plates for the five-pound note.

  Leslie : What?

  Holmes : They also believe that he is at the bottom of Lake Windermere, drowned like a rat.

  Leslie : Oh...

  [She faints] 

• Leslie : So, you play the violin?

  Holmes : Only if worst comes to worst.

• Mrs. Hudson : [Speaking to Lord Smithwick and Lestrade]  This is a respectable Presbyterian house, I assure you.

  Holmes : Take no notice of her. The woman drinks a bit.

• Watson : Being men of no moral fiber whatsoever, they can't resist helping themselves to a new pair of shoes.

  Holmes : Do you think they have these in brown?

• Mrs. Hudson : Mr. Holmes.

  Holmes : Yes?

  Mrs. Hudson : Do you do this kind of thing on purpose?

• Holmes : I think you underestimate my own native deductive abilities.

  [footsteps are heard coming up the stairs] 

  Holmes : Listen, do you hear those footsteps? I'd say this was a woman about five-feet-five, weighs about twelve-and-a-half stone, age 54. Voila!

  [he opens the door, to see a group of young boys standing there - and not a five-feet-five, twelve-and-a-half stone, 54-year-old woman] 

  Holmes : Watson, it's for you. Your Baker Street Irregulars.