About Last Night (1986)

Elizabeth Perkins: Joan

Photos 

Quotes 

• Bernie : You know what Joan, if you didn't have a pussy there'd be a bounty on your head. You know that?

  Joan : And you - are a psychopathic, schizophrenic, maladjusted social misfit who is clearly in the middle of a very deep homosexual panic.

  Bernie : Yeah. Yeah, right. So you want to dance or what?

• [Joan reads a story at Kindergarten] 

  Joan : 'And then an angel of the Lord, descended upon the Virgin Mary'

  Kid #1 : What's a virgin?

  Joan : Eh? A virgin is someone who has never had sex.

  Kid #2 : What's sex?

  Joan : Um, Sex - uh, sex is how men and women make babies.

  Kid #3 : Are you a virgin?

  Joan : No.

  Kid #3 : So, you have a baby?

  Joan : Eh, no. Men and women who don't want babies also have sex.

  Kid #3 : What for?

  Joan : For about 10 or 15 minutes. 'And then an angel of the Lord... '

• Joan : So, did you have a nice evening?

  Debbie : Yes. And I crawled away in shame.

  Joan : Oh, aren't we a couple of sluts?

  [Both giggle] 

  Debbie : I can't believe I slept with him on the first date!

  Joan : It wasn't even a date, Deb.

  Debbie : [rolls eyes]  Thank you.

  [pauses] 

  Debbie : I tell you, though. I couldn't help myself, because he is *so* gorgeous.

  Joan : But can he type?

• Joan : Tomorrow you know, they're going to come at me like marauding beasts bent on destruction.

  Debbie : Stop it.

  Joan : Deborah, you work in advertising... a civilized business. I on the other hand work with monsters.

  Debbie : You're talking about 5 year olds!

  Joan : Right! and my job is to break their spirit. That is what kindergarten is all about. The Germans invented it, think about it.

• Pat : That 2nd baseman's got a really nice ass.

  Joan : I refuse to go out with a man whose ass is smaller than mine.

• Bernie : What do you do?

  Joan : Me?

  Bernie : Well, yeah for a living?

  Joan : I'm a neurosurgeon, you?

  Bernie : I'm a prizefighter. Do you know much about boxing?

  Joan : No...

  Bernie : I'm the heavyweight champion of the world.

• Joan : So, worried much about western civilization?

  Danny : Not really. Not tonight.

  Joan : It's collapsing, or hadn't you notice?

  Danny : I live in a pretty good neighborhood.

• Joan : Oh, God! Another smoker! Look, do you mind?

  Danny : Oh, sorry, didn't know you were eating.

  [Joan snuffs the cigarette in the sink] 

  Joan : There. I just added another seven minutes to your life... it's alright, I don't expect a thank you.

  Danny : Thank you.

• Man in Joan's Apartment : [emerging from bedroom half-dressed]  What's breakfast?

  Joan : Egg McMuffin. Corner of Broadway and Belmont.

• Danny : Oh, you're not leavin' are ya?

  Joan : No, we're walking in backwards.

• Joan : Look, if he forgets to call one day, no big deal; two days, it's an oversight. Honey, he hasn't called you in three days; he's sleeping with somebody else.

• Joan : Oh god, Pat's going in for the kill. Oh my! That was a nice turn.

  Debbie : With just a hint of giddiness.

  Joan : Her big move should be coming up any moment. The combination hair flip with a giggle.

  Debbie : There is a 3.2 level of difficulty here. Joan let's see if she can pull it off.

  Joan : This is it... this is it... Oh Yes!

  Debbie : Oh Yes! Yes! Oh Bravo! Bravo! 9.0!

• [about a workshop on relationships] 

  Joan : Men and women - sharing, working out their hate.

  Debbie : I'm sick of hating. I mean, God, Joan. I don't think I have any hate left.

  Joan : Yes you do - you just don't know it.

• [Danny makes fun of Joan when she comes in with a cake] 

  Danny : Joanie! God, she looks grea... Oh, and she baked us a pie!

  Joan : Your vulgarian friend is downstairs, denting innocent people's fenders.

  Danny : [shouts down the stair hallway]  Yoooo, Litko!

• Danny : That's good! Now if you could find it in your heart, to take this thing and shove it up your ass.

  Joan : Ah, that is very telling. On your instructions, I am supposed to rend and torture myself anally. Is that what your into? Does Deborah know about this?

• Joan : Give me a gin and tonic.

  Mother Malone : Last call was ten minutes ago...

  Joan : Give me a gin and tonic or I will kill you.

  Mother Malone : Just one.

• Joan : I've been meaning to mention that it's really stupid to fuck your boss. I mean, for starters, it's a damn good way to lose your job.

• Joan : So, let me tell you about Gary. He's tall. He's nice to me. He's intelligent. And he doesn't make me sleep in the wet spot.

• Joan : When you called, was he home?

  Debbie : No, but that's okay. It's sandwich night anyway.

  Joan : Sandwich night?

  Debbie : Well, yeah. Two nights a week I cook. Two nights a week he cooks. Two nights we go out. And then there's sandwich night.

  Joan : You know, I bet your sex life is a real thrill. Two nights a week you're on top. Two nights a week he's on top. So what is it you do on sandwich night?

• Debbie : I feel like a fire hydrant that's been pissed on.

  Joan : Well, maybe it's job-related. I mean, the man does sell toilet paper for a living.

• Bernie : [sitting at the bar, turns around, sees that he and Joan are the only ones left a Mother Malone's at closing time]  You know, I've been wantin' to do this my whole life. I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks, Mother.

  Joan : To think, I didn't think, you didn't have a decent bone in your entire body.

  Bernie : Hey, you want to leave my bone out of this.

  Joan : You are a filthy scumbag.

  Bernie : Thank you.

• Joan : What do you say we smoke this now?

  Debbie : Oh, God. I haven't been stoned in ages. *He* doesn't like to smoke. That's probably why I haven't been stoned.

  [takes a toke] 

  Debbie : Do I seem different to you?

• Joan : He is not worth it, you know.

  Debbie : I hate that number they play.

  Joan : Establishing dominance?

• Debbie : Tell me what's going on. I'm your best friend.

  Joan : He's going back to his wife.

  Debbie : I didn't even know he was married.

  Joan : Neither did I.

• Joan : You know, they're gonna come at me tomorrow, like savages; marauding beasts, bent on destruction.

  Debbie : You're talking about 5-year-olds.

  Joan : Yes, and my job is to break their spirit. that's what kindergarten is all about. The Germans invented it Deborah, think about that.