About Last Night (1986)

Jim Belushi: Bernie

Photos 

Quotes 

• Bernie : You know what Joan, if you didn't have a pussy there'd be a bounty on your head. You know that?

  Joan : And you - are a psychopathic, schizophrenic, maladjusted social misfit who is clearly in the middle of a very deep homosexual panic.

  Bernie : Yeah. Yeah, right. So you want to dance or what?

• Bernie : Was that the chick from last night?

  Danny : Yeah, I picked up the phone and she was already on the line.

  Bernie : Yeah, right. Pull this leg and it plays jingle bells.

• Bernie : Interesting broad. Where'd she develop her personality? A car crash?

• Bernie : I'm gonna let you guys do what you guys gotta do. Don't worry about me, I'm just gonna go home, make a little macaroni and cheese, seal the windows, and turn on the gas.

• Bernie : You've got a lot of brass balls, you know that. I do all the work, you take all the credit. You know what your problem is? Your face.

  Danny : Yeah, right.

  Bernie : Come on, wise up, man, you're too good-looking. These girls go out with you and get nervous, man. They feel dumpy. They don't want to compete. They want a guy like - like me. You know, a guy that's gonna make *them* look good.

  Danny : You're right. A basic Neanderthal type.

  Bernie : Right! The swarthy type. A man's man. The kind of guy who oozes testosterone.

• Bernie : Are you getting serious? Well, she seemed like a hell of a girl. From what little I saw of her. Not too this. Not too that. Very kind of, um, what?... Ah, what the fuck, I only saw her for a minute. First impressions of this kind can often be misleading. Does she give head?

  Danny : What?

  Bernie : To you, I'm saying. Does she give head to you?

  [Silence] 

  Bernie : Forget it.

• Bernie : I stole it

  Danny : You did not.

  Bernie : Oh, that's great, Dan. I tell you I'm a thief and you call me a liar.

• Bernie : What do you do?

  Joan : Me?

  Bernie : Well, yeah for a living?

  Joan : I'm a neurosurgeon, you?

  Bernie : I'm a prizefighter. Do you know much about boxing?

  Joan : No...

  Bernie : I'm the heavyweight champion of the world.

• Bernie : You don't go here. You don't go there. You're about as much fun as a stick.

• Bernie : [Danny tells Bernie that he told Debbie he loves her]  Ooohhhh! Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan!

  [pauses] 

  Bernie : Who said it first?

  Danny : I did.

  Bernie : Ooohhhh! Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan!

  [pauses] 

  Bernie : Was it before you came, or after?

• [first lines] 

  Danny : So?

  Bernie : So what?

  Danny : So tell me.

  Bernie : What?

  Danny : About last night!

• Mr. Favio : Business is business! You cut the son of a bitch off!

  Danny : Oh, fuck you!

  Mr. Favio : Fuck me? Fuck you!

  Danny : Fuck You!

  Mr. Favio : Fuck You, Martin!

  Bernie : Ah, Mr Favio?

  Bernie : Fuck you!

• Bernie : The best thing that could happen to you Danny, is an industrial accident.

• Bernie : So, into the the old shower we go. And does this broad have a body.

  Danny : Yeah?

  Bernie : Are you kiddin' me?

  Danny : So tell me.

  Bernie : The tits.

  Danny : Yeah?

  Bernie : The legs.

  Danny : Ass?

  Bernie : Are you fuckin' fooling' me? The ass on this broad!

  Danny : Young ass?

  Bernie : Well, yeah! A young broad, a young ass!.

  Danny : Right!

• Danny : Do you think she was a pro?

  Bernie : A pro, Dan...

  Danny : Yeah?

  Bernie : A pro is how you think of yourself. See my point?

• Bernie : You're seeing a lot of her. How many times did you call her this week?

  Danny : Twice.

  Bernie : Twice! You called her twice? Dan, never call a broad more than once a week. Never, ever, ever!

• Bernie : This Carmen's a sure thing. She's hot, hot, hot. She'll grab your joint on the dance floor.

• Bernie : Come on. Come dancing. We'll go to my place, have a party. Play "Spin the Pickle". Come on.

• Debbie : Do you want to be a jerk your whole life?

  Bernie : What?

  Danny : She said don't be an asshole your whole life.

  Bernie : Oh, wait a minute, you're tryin' to - you want to talk. Go ahead, you guys talk. You want a hot dog or somethin', Dan?

  Danny : No.

  Bernie : Deb, you want a nice, hot - 10 inch sausage, maybe?

• Bernie : [sitting at the bar, turns around, sees that he and Joan are the only ones left a Mother Malone's at closing time]  You know, I've been wantin' to do this my whole life. I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks, Mother.

  Joan : To think, I didn't think, you didn't have a decent bone in your entire body.

  Bernie : Hey, you want to leave my bone out of this.

  Joan : You are a filthy scumbag.

  Bernie : Thank you.

• Bernie : You know, everyone said you were dead. They said, "Dan is dead." But, I said, "No, no, no. He was my best friend. He would've called me for the funeral."

• Bernie : Wait! You didn't close? Now you're telling me? You didn't close, huh? You leave a classy chick like that just hanging?

  Danny : I don't know.

  Bernie : Tits and ass, tits and ass, tits and ass, tits and ass, tits and ass! Bloody blue, bloody blue, bloody blue, bloody blue! Huh?

  Danny : I don't know.

  Bernie : So don't know! So, what are you gonna do? Sell your birthright for a little bit of puss?

• Bernie : You think she hadn't been around?

  Danny : Yeah?

  Bernie : Hadn't gone the route.

  Danny : She knew the route, did she?

  Bernie : Are you fuckin' kiddin' me?

  Danny : Yeah?

  Bernie : She wrote the route.

• Danny : Nobody does it normally any more.

  Bernie : It's these young broads, Danny. They don't know what the fuck they want.

• Danny : The thing about redhead is: lack of pigmentation.

  Bernie : They're almost albino.

  Danny : You bang albino?

  Bernie : Well, I have and they're nuts.

• Bernie : Well, here's the shock. She's got this fur-lined bed, right?

  Danny : What kind of fur?

  Bernie : I don't know what kind of fur, but it's fur, right? And the static electricity that is being caused is sending these little sparks right to my nuts! You know, I felt like a human jumper cable.

• Danny : Who the hell is that?

  Bernie : It's Carmen. She works in shipping. You see that look she just gave you? You just know she's not wearin' no underpants.

• Bernie : She looks very intellectual. I mean, that's not always a bad thing.

  Danny : No.

  Bernie : I mean, what the fuck. If a guy wants to get on with a broad on a more or less stable basis, who's to say to him no? Huh? A lot of these broads, you know, you just don't know, you know. I mean, a young woman in today's society, by the time she's 22-23, you don't know where the fuck she's been. Hey, that''s your business, right?

• Danny : You know what? I like women. I like *all* kinds of women. I especially like women I don't know...

  Danny , Bernie : Very well!

• Danny : I think I can see her beaver.

  Bernie : No shit, really?

  Danny : I'm tellin' you.

  Bernie : Get outta here.

  Danny : I'm tellin' you. Look.

  Bernie : Get the fuck outta here.

  Danny : See? See?

  Bernie : I can't make it out.

  Danny : When she bends over. The top of her legs.

  Bernie : I know where it is, I just can't see it.

• Danny : So?

  Bernie : So? Tits out to here, so.

  Danny : Yeah?

  Bernie : Yeah! Twenty-couple years old.

  Danny : You got to be foolin'.

  Bernie : No.

  Danny : You devil!