Clue (1985)
Madeline Kahn: Mrs. White
Photos
Quotes
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Wadsworth : You *were* jealous that your husband was schtupping Yvette. That's why you killed him, too!
Mrs. White : Yes. Yes, I did it. I killed Yvette. I hated her, so much...
[stammers]
Mrs. White : it-it- the f - it -flam - flames. Flames, on the side of my face, breathing-breathl- heaving breaths. Heaving breaths... Heathing...
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Colonel Mustard : Wadsworth, am I right in thinking there's nobody else in this house?
Wadsworth : Um... no.
Colonel Mustard : Then there is someone else in this house?
Wadsworth : Sorry, I said "no" meaning "yes."
Colonel Mustard : "No" meaning "yes?" Look, I want a straight answer, is there someone else, or isn't there, yes, or no?
Wadsworth : No.
Colonel Mustard : No there is, or no there isn't?
Wadsworth : Yes.
Mrs. White : [shatters glass] PLEASE!
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Miss Scarlet : Maybe there is life after death.
Mrs. White : Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage!
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Colonel Mustard : How many husbands have you had?
Mrs. White : Mine or other women's?
Colonel Mustard : Yours.
Mrs. White : Five.
Colonel Mustard : Five?
Mrs. White : Yes, just the five. Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft, strong and disposable.
Colonel Mustard : You lure men to their deaths like a spider with flies.
Mrs. White : Flies are where men are most vulnerable.
Colonel Mustard : Right!
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Wadsworth : Mrs. White, you've been paying our friend, the blackmailer, ever since your husband died under, shall we say, mysterious circumstances?
Miss Scarlet : Ah!
[laughs]
Mrs. White : Why is that funny?
Miss Scarlet : I see! That's why he was lying on his back, in his coffin.
Mrs. White : I didn't kill him.
Colonel Mustard : Then why are you paying the blackmailer?
Mrs. White : I dont want a scandal, do I? We had had a very humiliating public confrontation. He was deranged. He was
[points to head]
Mrs. White : a lunatic! He didn't actually seem to like me very much; he had threatened to kill me in public.
Miss Scarlet : Why would he wanna kill you in public?
Wadsworth : I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.
[rolls eyes]
Miss Scarlet : Oh. Was that his final word on the matter?
Mrs. White : Being killed is pretty final, wouldn't you say?
Wadsworth : And yet, he was the one who died, not you, Mrs. White, not you!
Miss Scarlet : What did he do for a living?
Mrs. White : He was a scientist, nuclear physics.
Miss Scarlet : What was he like?
Mrs. White : He was always a rather stupidly optimistic man. I mean, I'm afraid it came as a great shock to hime when he died, but, he was found dead at home. His head had been cut off, and so had his, uh... you *know*.
[Colonel Mustard, Professor Plum, and Mr. Green cross legs]
Mrs. White : I had been out all evening at the movies.
Miss Scarlet : Do you miss him?
Mrs. White : Well, it's a matter of life after death. Now that he's dead, I have a life.
Wadsworth : But, he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared.
Mrs. White : But that was his job. He was an illusionist.
Wadsworth : But he never reappeared!
Mrs. White : [admittedly] He wasn't a very good illusionist.
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Wadsworth : ...and to make a long story short...
Miss Scarlet , Mrs. White , Colonel Mustard , Mrs. Peacock , Mr. Green , Colonel Mustard : Too late!
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Mrs. Peacock : What are you all staring at?
Mr. Green : Nothing.
Mrs. Peacock : Well who's there?
Colonel Mustard : Nobody.
Mrs. Peacock : What do you mean?
Wadsworth : Nobody. No body, that's what we mean. Mr. Boddy's body, it's gone.
Mrs. White : Maybe he wasn't dead.
Professor Plum : He was!
Mrs. White : We should've made sure.
Mrs. Peacock : How?
[muttering]
Mrs. Peacock : By cutting his head off, I suppose.
Mrs. White : That was uncalled for!
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Mrs. White : [after Mrs. Peacock swears that the reason she's being blackmailed is a vicious lie] Well, I am willing to believe you. I, too, am being blackmailed for something I didn't do.
Mr. Green : Me too.
Colonel Mustard : And me.
Miss Scarlet : Not me.
Wadsworth : [surprised] You're *not* being blackmailed?
Miss Scarlet : Oh, I'm being blackmailed all right, but I did what I'm being blackmailed for.
Mr. Green : What did you do?
Miss Scarlet : Well, to be perfectly frank, I run a specialized hotel and a telephone service which provides gentlemen with the company of a young lady, for a short while.
Professor Plum : Oh yeah?
[pulls out pen and a pad of paper]
Professor Plum : What's the phone number?
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Mrs. White : [after Mr. Green shoots Wadsworth] Are you a cop?
Mr. Green : No, I'm a plant.
Miss Scarlet : A plant? I thought men like you were usually called a fruit.
Mr. Green : Very funny. FBI. That phone call from J. Edgar Hoover was for me.
[opens the door]
Mr. Green : Told you I didn't do it!
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Mrs. White : [Smashes glass on fireplace] PLEASE! Don't you think we should get that man out of the house before he finds out what's been going on here!
[Drops thre rest of the glass with a crash]
Miss Scarlet : Yeah!
Professor Plum : How can we throw him outside in this weather?
Miss Scarlet : If we let him stay in the house, he may get suspicious!
Professor Plum : If we throw him out, he may get even more suspicious!
Colonel Mustard : If I were him, I'd be suspicious already!
Mrs. Peacock : [hysterical] Oh, who cares? That guy doesn't matter! Let him stay locked up for another half an hour. The police will be here by then... and there are two dead bodies in the study!
All : Shhhhhhhhhhh!
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[Plum and White are looking at the photographic negatives]
Mrs. White : Oh my! Nobody can get into THAT position.
Professor Plum : Sure they can. Let me show you.
[lays her down on the couch and gets on top of her]
Mrs. White : Get off me!
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Mrs. White : You've got blood on your hands.
Mr. Green : I DIDN'T DO IT!
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Mrs. White : So what do you do, Professor?
Professor Plum : I work for UNO, the United Nations Organization.
Colonel Mustard : Another politician. Jesus!
Professor Plum : No, I work for a branch of UNO. W.H.O., the World Health Organization.
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Wadsworth : Sorry, didn't mean to frighten you.
Mr. Green : You're a bit late for that! I hate it when he does that.
Mrs. White : Ahhh!
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Wadsworth : [Wadsworth has just returned inside after throwing the key to the cupboard away] Well, what now?
Mrs. White : Wadsworth, let me out.
Wadsworth : No.
Mrs. White : Why not?
Wadsworth : We've gotta know who did it. We're all in this together now.
Mrs. Peacock : If you leave, I'll say that you killed them both.
Miss Scarlet : Me too.
Mr. Green : Me too.
Colonel Mustard : Me too.
Mrs. White : [Suddenly becoming mysteriously flirtatious] Oh, Wadsworth, I'll make you sorry you ever started this.
[She grabs hold of Wadsworth's tie, rubbing his chest]
Mrs. White : One day, when we're alone together...
Wadsworth : Mrs. White, no man in his right mind would be alone together with you.
Mrs. White : [Letting go of Wadsworth] Oh.
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Colonel Mustard : We've already established that you were one of Miss Scarlet's clients. That's why you were so desperate to get your hands on those negatives. Photographs of you and Yvette in flagrante delicto, remember?
Colonel Mustard : Mr. Boddy threatened to send those pictures to my dear old mother, the shock would've killed her!
Mrs. White : Oh, that would've been quite an achievement, since you told us that she's dead already.
[to Wadsworth]
Mrs. White : So, he had the motive.
Wadsworth : You *all* had a motive.
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Mrs. White : Oh, you're a doctor?
Professor Plum : I am, but I don't practice.
Miss Scarlet : Practice makes perfect. Ha! I think most men need a little practice, don't you Mrs. Peacock?
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Wadsworth : Let's consider each murder one by one. Professor Plum, you knew that Mr. Boddy was still alive. Even psychiatrists can tell the difference between patients who are alive or dead. You fired the gun in the dark and missed. So, you pretended he was dead, that's how you were able to kill him later, unobserved.
Miss Scarlet : That's right! He was the missing person in the kitchen after we found the cook dead!
Mr. Green : But he was with us in the Billiard Room when we found Yvette screaming. If that's when the cook was killed, how did he do it?
Professor Plum : I didn't!
Mrs. Peacock : Oh, you don't expect us to believe that, do you?
Wadsworth : [to Mrs. Peacock] I expect *you* to believe it. *You* killed the cook. She used to be your cook, and she informed on you to Mr. Boddy. You made one fatal mistake.
[Leading everyone back to the Dining Room]
Wadsworth : Sitting here, at dinner, Mrs. Peacock told us she was eating one of her favorite recipes. And monkey's brains, though popular in Cantonese cuisine, are not often to be found in Washington D.C.
[Leads the group to the front door]
Wadsworth : Colonel Mustard, when we saw the motorist at the front door, you took the key to the weapons cupboard out of my pocket. Then, you suggested that we all split up. You separated from Ms. Scarlet, crossed the hall, opened the cupboard, took the wrench, ran to the Conservatory, entered the Lounge through the secret passage, and killed the motorist with a blow on the head, like *that*!
[Wadsworth takes Mrs. White by the hand from the Conservatory and up the stairs]
Mrs. White : This is incredible!
Wadsworth : Not so incredible as what happened next! After we had all split up again, I went upstairs with you-yes, *you* Mrs. White-and while I was in the Master Bedroom, you hurried downstairs and turned off the electricity, got the rope from the cupboard, and throttled Yvette. You were jealous that your husband was shtupping Yvette, that's why you killed him, too!
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Wadsworth : You recognized Yvette, didn't you? Don't deny it!
Mrs. White : What do you mean, "Don't deny it"? I'm not denying anything!
Wadsworth : Another denial!
Mrs. White : Thhbbtt!
[sticks her tongue out at Wadsworth]
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Wadsworth : Do come in, Madam. You are expected.
Mrs. White : Do you know who I am?
Wadsworth : Only that you are to be known as Mrs. White.
Mrs. White : Yes. It said so in the letter. But why?
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Mrs. White : [referring to negatives of Colonel Mustard's private photos] Nobody can get into that position.
Professor Plum : Sure they can. Let me show you.
[attempts the sexual position with Mrs. White]
Mrs. White : Get off me!
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Wadsworth : Ladies and gentlemen, the police will be here in about forty-five minutes. Tell them the truth and Mr. Boddy will be behind bars.
[Mr. Boddy starts out of the room]
Wadsworth : Where are you going this time?
Mr. Boddy : I think I can help them make up their minds. Can I just get my little bag from the hall?
[Mr. Boddy walks into the hall, grabs the bag, returns and places the bag on the table, opening it]
Mr. Boddy : Who can guess what's in here? Huh?
Miss Scarlet : The evidence against us, no doubt.
Mrs. White : We didn't know we were meeting you tonight. Did you know you were meeting us?
Mr. Boddy : Oh, yes.
Mrs. White : What were you told, precisely?
Mr. Boddy : Merely that you were all meeting to discuss our little financial arrangements, and if I did not appear, Wadsworth would be informing the police about it all. Naturally, I could hardly resist putting in an appearance.
[Mr. Boddy walks away from the group, towards the drink table]
Mr. Boddy : Excuse me. Open them.
Miss Scarlet : Why not? I enjoy getting presents from strange men.
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Mrs. White : Well, one of us must have killed him!
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Mrs. Peacock : So, what does your husband do?
Mrs. White : [quickly] Nothing!
Mrs. Peacock : Nothing?
Mrs. White : Well, he just lies around on his back all day.
Miss Scarlet : Sounds like hard work to me.
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Miss Scarlet : [looks in an envelope] What's this, Wadsworth?
Wadsworth : I'm afraid those are the negatives to which Colonel Mustard earlier referred.
Colonel Mustard : Oh my God!
Miss Scarlet : Were you planning to blackmail him, Wadsworth?
Wadsworth : Certainly not! I detained them for the colonel and I was going to give them back as soon as Mr. Boddy was unmasked.
Miss Scarlet : Mm, very pretty! Would you like to see these, Yvette, they might shock you.
Yvette : No, merci. I am a lady.
Miss Scarlet : Oh, how do you know what kind of pictures they are if you're such a lay-dee?
Professor Plum : What sort of pictures are they?
Colonel Mustard : They are *my* pictures and I'd like them back, please!
Miss Scarlet : No, I'm afraid there's something in them that concerns me, too.
Professor Plum : Let me see.
Mrs. White : [gasps] Oh no, nobody can get into that position.
Professor Plum : Sure they can. Let me show you.
[tries to do the position]
Mrs. White : Get off me!
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Colonel Mustard : [gesturing to another place setting at the dinner table] So, is this for our host?
Wadsworth : No, sir, for the seventh guest, Mr Boddy.
Mrs. White : I thought Mr. Boddy was our host.
All : So did I.
Mrs. White : So, who is our host Mr. Wadsworth?
[Wadsworth only smiles in response]
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Mrs. White : You say you are used to being a hostess as part of your husband's work?
Mrs. Peacock : Yes, it's an integral part of your life when you are the wife of a... Oh, but then I forgot, we're not supposed to say who we really are, though, heavens to Betsy, I don't know why.
Colonel Mustard : Don't you?
Mr. Green : I know who you are.
Miss Scarlet : Aren't you gonna tell us?
Mrs. Peacock : How do you know who I am?
Mr. Green : I work in Washington, too.
Professor Plum : Washington? So you're a politician's wife?
Mrs. Peacock : Yes, I-I am.
Colonel Mustard : Well, come on then, who's your husband?
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Professor Plum : [Mr. Boddy is apparently dead after Mrs. Peacock has turned the lights back on. Professor Plum is knelt down to check if Mr. Boddy is alive] Stand back! Give him air! Let me see.
[Professor Plum checks for a pulse or any sign of breathing]
Professor Plum : He's dead!
Mrs. White : Who had the gun?
Professor Plum : I did.
Mrs. Peacock : Then you shot him.
Professor Plum : I didn't!
Mrs. Peacock : Well, you had the gun; if you didn't shoot him, who did?
Professor Plum : [Professor Plum flips Mr. Boddy over] Nobody! Look, there's no gunshot wound. Somebody tried to grab the gun from me in the dark and the gun went off.
[Professor Plum points to the wall]
Professor Plum : Look, the bullet broke that vase on the mantle.
Colonel Mustard : [the group begins rushing to the spot where the bullet hit and Colonel Mustard bumps into Professor Plum] I'm sorry, excuse me. He's absolutely right. Look, there's a bullet hole here in the wall, see that?
Mr. Green : [In a demanding tone] How did he die?
Professor Plum : [In an aggravated tone] I don't know! I'm not a forensic expert.
-
Mrs. White : Oh, Wadsworth, I'll make you sorry you ever started this. One day, when we're alone together.
Wadsworth : Mrs. White, no man in his right mind would be alone together with you.
