Clue (1985)

Lesley Ann Warren: Miss Scarlet

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Quotes 

• Wadsworth : The game's up, Scarlet. There are no more bullets left in that gun.

  Miss Scarlet : Oh, come on, you don't think I'm gonna fall for that old trick?

  Wadsworth : It's not a trick. There was one shot at Mr. Boddy in the Study; two for the chandelier; two at the Lounge door and one for the singing telegram.

  Miss Scarlet : That's not six.

  Wadsworth : One plus two plus two plus one.

  Miss Scarlet : Uh-uh, there was only one shot that got the chandelier. That's one plus two plus *one* plus one.

  Wadsworth : Even if you were right, that would be one plus one plus two plus one, not one plus *two* plus one plus one.

  Miss Scarlet : Okay, fine. One plus two plus one... Shut up! The point is, there is one bullet left in this gun and guess who's gonna get it!

• Miss Scarlet : Maybe there is life after death.

  Mrs. White : Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage!

• Wadsworth : The key is gone!

  Professor Plum : Never mind about the key, unlock the door!

  [smacks Mr.Green on the shoulder] 

  Mr. Green : [grabs Professor Plum by the collar, throttling him]  I CAN'T UNLOCK THE DOOR WITHOUT THE KEY!

  [releasing Plum, Mr. Green rattles doorknob] 

  Mr. Green : LET US IN! LET US IN!

  Colonel Mustard , Miss Scarlet : [on other side of locked door]  LET US OUT! LET US OUT!

• Miss Scarlet : I hardly think it will enhance your reputation at the U.N. Professor Plum, if it's revealed that you have been implicated not only in adultery with one of your patients, but in her death and the deaths of five other people.

  Professor Plum : You don't know what kind of people they have at the U.N., I might go up in their estimation.

• Wadsworth : Mrs. White, you've been paying our friend, the blackmailer, ever since your husband died under, shall we say, mysterious circumstances?

  Miss Scarlet : Ah!

  [laughs] 

  Mrs. White : Why is that funny?

  Miss Scarlet : I see! That's why he was lying on his back, in his coffin.

  Mrs. White : I didn't kill him.

  Colonel Mustard : Then why are you paying the blackmailer?

  Mrs. White : I dont want a scandal, do I? We had had a very humiliating public confrontation. He was deranged. He was

  [points to head] 

  Mrs. White : a lunatic! He didn't actually seem to like me very much; he had threatened to kill me in public.

  Miss Scarlet : Why would he wanna kill you in public?

  Wadsworth : I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.

  [rolls eyes] 

  Miss Scarlet : Oh. Was that his final word on the matter?

  Mrs. White : Being killed is pretty final, wouldn't you say?

  Wadsworth : And yet, he was the one who died, not you, Mrs. White, not you!

  Miss Scarlet : What did he do for a living?

  Mrs. White : He was a scientist, nuclear physics.

  Miss Scarlet : What was he like?

  Mrs. White : He was always a rather stupidly optimistic man. I mean, I'm afraid it came as a great shock to hime when he died, but, he was found dead at home. His head had been cut off, and so had his, uh... you *know*.

  [Colonel Mustard, Professor Plum, and Mr. Green cross legs] 

  Mrs. White : I had been out all evening at the movies.

  Miss Scarlet : Do you miss him?

  Mrs. White : Well, it's a matter of life after death. Now that he's dead, I have a life.

  Wadsworth : But, he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared.

  Mrs. White : But that was his job. He was an illusionist.

  Wadsworth : But he never reappeared!

  Mrs. White : [admittedly]  He wasn't a very good illusionist.

• Wadsworth : ...and to make a long story short...

  Miss Scarlet , Mrs. White , Colonel Mustard , Mrs. Peacock , Mr. Green , Colonel Mustard : Too late!

• Mr. Green : [to Miss Scarlet]  So, how did you know Colonel Mustard works in Washington? Is he one of your clients?

  Colonel Mustard : Certainly not!

  Mr. Green : I was asking Miss Scarlet.

  Colonel Mustard : [to Miss Scarlet]  Well, you tell him it's not true.

  Miss Scarlet : It's not true.

  Professor Plum : [to Miss Scarlet]  Is that true?

  Miss Scarlet : No, it's not true.

  Mr. Green : Ah ha! So it is true!

  Wadsworth : A double negative!

  Colonel Mustard : A double negative?

  [whispering] 

  Colonel Mustard : You mean you have photographs?

  Wadsworth : That sounds like a confession to me. In fact the double negative has led to proof positive. I'm afraid you gave yourself away.

  Colonel Mustard : [angry, to Wadsworth]  Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?

  Wadsworth : You don't need any help from me, sir.

  Colonel Mustard : That's right!

• Mrs. White : [after Mrs. Peacock swears that the reason she's being blackmailed is a vicious lie]  Well, I am willing to believe you. I, too, am being blackmailed for something I didn't do.

  Mr. Green : Me too.

  Colonel Mustard : And me.

  Miss Scarlet : Not me.

  Wadsworth : [surprised]  You're *not* being blackmailed?

  Miss Scarlet : Oh, I'm being blackmailed all right, but I did what I'm being blackmailed for.

  Mr. Green : What did you do?

  Miss Scarlet : Well, to be perfectly frank, I run a specialized hotel and a telephone service which provides gentlemen with the company of a young lady, for a short while.

  Professor Plum : Oh yeah?

  [pulls out pen and a pad of paper] 

  Professor Plum : What's the phone number?

• Mrs. White : [after Mr. Green shoots Wadsworth]  Are you a cop?

  Mr. Green : No, I'm a plant.

  Miss Scarlet : A plant? I thought men like you were usually called a fruit.

  Mr. Green : Very funny. FBI. That phone call from J. Edgar Hoover was for me.

  [opens the door] 

  Mr. Green : Told you I didn't do it!

• Wadsworth : "Ours is not to reason why, ours is but to do and die."

  Professor Plum : Die?

  Wadsworth : Merely quoting, sir, from Alfred, Lord Tennyson.

  Colonel Mustard : Hm, I prefer Kipling, myself. "The female of the species is more deadly than the male." You like Kipling, Miss Scarlet?

  [offers her a tray] 

  Miss Scarlet : [takes food off the tray]  Sure, I'll eat anything.

• The Chief : Good evening. Have you ever given any thought to the kingdom of heaven?

  Mrs. Peacock : What?

  The Chief : Repent. The kingdom of heaven is at hand.

  Miss Scarlet : You ain't just whistlin' Dixie.

  The Chief : Armageddon is almost upon us.

  Professor Plum : I got news for you - it's already here.

  Mrs. Peacock : Go away.

  The Chief : But your souls are in danger.

  Mrs. Peacock : Our lives are in danger, you beatnik.

• Mr. Green : Who would wanna kill the cook?

  Miss Scarlet : Dinner wasn't that bad.

  Colonel Mustard : How can you make jokes at a time like this?

  Miss Scarlet : It's my defense mechanism.

  Colonel Mustard : Some defense. If I was the killer, I would kill you next.

  Miss Scarlet : Oh?

  [Everyone looks at Colonel Mustard] 

  Colonel Mustard : I said, "if". *If*!

• Mrs. White : [Smashes glass on fireplace]  PLEASE! Don't you think we should get that man out of the house before he finds out what's been going on here!

  [Drops thre rest of the glass with a crash] 

  Miss Scarlet : Yeah!

  Professor Plum : How can we throw him outside in this weather?

  Miss Scarlet : If we let him stay in the house, he may get suspicious!

  Professor Plum : If we throw him out, he may get even more suspicious!

  Colonel Mustard : If I were him, I'd be suspicious already!

  Mrs. Peacock : [hysterical]  Oh, who cares? That guy doesn't matter! Let him stay locked up for another half an hour. The police will be here by then... and there are two dead bodies in the study!

  All : Shhhhhhhhhhh!

• Colonel Mustard : What room's this?

  Miss Scarlet : Search me.

  Colonel Mustard : All right.

  [he starts to frisk her] 

  Miss Scarlet : Get your mitts off me.

• Miss Scarlet : It should be just off there.

  Professor Plum : That must be it!

  Miss Scarlet : [they see their destination as lightning splits the sky over Hill House, giving it an ominous cast. The car engine stops]  Why has the car stopped?

  Professor Plum : It's frightened.

• [Cop sniffs the motorist, who is dead] 

  Cop : This man's drunk. Dead drunk.

  Miss Scarlet : Dead right!

  Cop : [to the motorist]  You're not gonna drive home, are you?

  Professor Plum : He won't be driving home, officer, I promise you that!

  Miss Scarlet : No.

  Cop : Somebody will give him a lift, huh?

  Miss Scarlet : Oh, we'll- we'll- we'll get him a car!

  Professor Plum : A long black car!

  Miss Scarlet : [lightly jabbing him in the stomach]  A limousine!

• Miss Scarlet : What about that motorist? What kind of information did he have?

  Colonel Mustard : He was my driver during the war.

  Wadsworth : And what was he holding over you?

  Colonel Mustard : He knew that I was a war profiteer. I stole essential Air Force radio parts, and I sold them on the black market. That is how I made all my money. But that does not make me a murderer!

  Mrs. Peacock : Well, a lot of our airmen died, because their radios didn't work.

• Miss Scarlet : I enjoy getting presents from strange men.

  [opens the present] 

  Miss Scarlet : A candlestick? What's this for?

• [Mr. Boddy has disappeared after being killed] 

  Mr. Green : He couldn't have been dead.

  Professor Plum : He was. At least I thought he was, but what difference does it make now?

  Miss Scarlet : Makes quite a difference to him.

• Professor Plum : [after everyone introduces themselves]  Well, that just leaves Mr. Boddy.

  Miss Scarlet : What's your little secret?

  Wadsworth : His secret? Oh, haven't you guessed? He's the one who's blackmailing you.

• Miss Scarlet : Why?

  Wadsworth : To create confusion.

  Mrs. Peacock : It worked!

• Wadsworth : [Wadsworth has just returned inside after throwing the key to the cupboard away]  Well, what now?

  Mrs. White : Wadsworth, let me out.

  Wadsworth : No.

  Mrs. White : Why not?

  Wadsworth : We've gotta know who did it. We're all in this together now.

  Mrs. Peacock : If you leave, I'll say that you killed them both.

  Miss Scarlet : Me too.

  Mr. Green : Me too.

  Colonel Mustard : Me too.

  Mrs. White : [Suddenly becoming mysteriously flirtatious]  Oh, Wadsworth, I'll make you sorry you ever started this.

  [She grabs hold of Wadsworth's tie, rubbing his chest] 

  Mrs. White : One day, when we're alone together...

  Wadsworth : Mrs. White, no man in his right mind would be alone together with you.

  Mrs. White : [Letting go of Wadsworth]  Oh.

• Mrs. Peacock : So, what do you do in Washington D.C., Mr. Green? Come on! What do you do? I mean, how are we to get acquainted if we don't say anything about ourselves.

  Miss Scarlet : Perhaps he doesn't wanna get acquainted with you.

  Mrs. Peacock : Well, I'm sure I don't know. But if I wasn't trying to keep the conversation going, then we would just be sitting here in an embarrassed silence.

  Professor Plum : Are you afraid of silence, Mrs. Peacock?

  Mrs. Peacock : Yes-What? No! Why?

  Professor Plum : Well, it just seems to me that you are. You seem to suffer from what we call "Pressure of Speech".

  Miss Scarlet : "We"? Who's we? Are you a shrink?

  Professor Plum : I do know a little bit about psychological medicine, yes.

• Mrs. White : Oh, you're a doctor?

  Professor Plum : I am, but I don't practice.

  Miss Scarlet : Practice makes perfect. Ha! I think most men need a little practice, don't you Mrs. Peacock?

• Professor Plum : Well, I'm gonna start while it's still hot.

  Mrs. Peacock : Oh, now, shouldn't we wait for the other guest?

  Yvette : I will keep something warm for him.

  Miss Scarlet : What did you have in mind, dear?

• Wadsworth : Well, one of us did. We all had the opportunity, we all had a motive.

  Miss Scarlet : Great. We'll all go to the chair.

• Wadsworth : Let's consider each murder one by one. Professor Plum, you knew that Mr. Boddy was still alive. Even psychiatrists can tell the difference between patients who are alive or dead. You fired the gun in the dark and missed. So, you pretended he was dead, that's how you were able to kill him later, unobserved.

  Miss Scarlet : That's right! He was the missing person in the kitchen after we found the cook dead!

  Mr. Green : But he was with us in the Billiard Room when we found Yvette screaming. If that's when the cook was killed, how did he do it?

  Professor Plum : I didn't!

  Mrs. Peacock : Oh, you don't expect us to believe that, do you?

  Wadsworth : [to Mrs. Peacock]  I expect *you* to believe it. *You* killed the cook. She used to be your cook, and she informed on you to Mr. Boddy. You made one fatal mistake.

  [Leading everyone back to the Dining Room] 

  Wadsworth : Sitting here, at dinner, Mrs. Peacock told us she was eating one of her favorite recipes. And monkey's brains, though popular in Cantonese cuisine, are not often to be found in Washington D.C.

  [Leads the group to the front door] 

  Wadsworth : Colonel Mustard, when we saw the motorist at the front door, you took the key to the weapons cupboard out of my pocket. Then, you suggested that we all split up. You separated from Ms. Scarlet, crossed the hall, opened the cupboard, took the wrench, ran to the Conservatory, entered the Lounge through the secret passage, and killed the motorist with a blow on the head, like *that*!

  [Wadsworth takes Mrs. White by the hand from the Conservatory and up the stairs] 

  Mrs. White : This is incredible!

  Wadsworth : Not so incredible as what happened next! After we had all split up again, I went upstairs with you-yes, *you* Mrs. White-and while I was in the Master Bedroom, you hurried downstairs and turned off the electricity, got the rope from the cupboard, and throttled Yvette. You were jealous that your husband was shtupping Yvette, that's why you killed him, too!

• Wadsworth : Miss Scarlet seized the opportunity, and under cover of darkness, got to the library, where she hit the cop whom she'd been bribing on the head with the lead pipe. True or false?

  Miss Scarlet : [impressed]  True! Who are you, Perry Mason?

• Professor Plum : [next to Miss Scarlet in the rain, with backs to the door]  What a godforsaken place!

  [gropes her backside; she tries to brush his hand off] 

  Wadsworth : [opens door suddenly and sees this]  Professor Plum, and Miss Scarlet, I didn't realize you were acquainted.

  Miss Scarlet : We weren't.

• Wadsworth : [referring to Mr. Boddy]  Well, he's certainly dead now. Why would anyone want to kill him twice?

  Miss Scarlet : It seems so unnecessary.

  Colonel Mustard : Well, it's what we call "overkill."

  Professor Plum : It's what we call "psychotic."

• Wadsworth : Ladies and gentlemen, the police will be here in about forty-five minutes. Tell them the truth and Mr. Boddy will be behind bars.

  [Mr. Boddy starts out of the room] 

  Wadsworth : Where are you going this time?

  Mr. Boddy : I think I can help them make up their minds. Can I just get my little bag from the hall?

  [Mr. Boddy walks into the hall, grabs the bag, returns and places the bag on the table, opening it] 

  Mr. Boddy : Who can guess what's in here? Huh?

  Miss Scarlet : The evidence against us, no doubt.

  Mrs. White : We didn't know we were meeting you tonight. Did you know you were meeting us?

  Mr. Boddy : Oh, yes.

  Mrs. White : What were you told, precisely?

  Mr. Boddy : Merely that you were all meeting to discuss our little financial arrangements, and if I did not appear, Wadsworth would be informing the police about it all. Naturally, I could hardly resist putting in an appearance.

  [Mr. Boddy walks away from the group, towards the drink table] 

  Mr. Boddy : Excuse me. Open them.

  Miss Scarlet : Why not? I enjoy getting presents from strange men.

• Wadsworth : Professor Plum, you were once a professor of psychiatry, specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur.

  Professor Plum : Yes, but now I work for the United Nations.

  Wadsworth : Your work has not changed, but you don't practice medicine at the U.N.; his license to practice has been lifted, correct?

  Miss Scarlet : Why? What did he do?

  Wadsworth : You know what doctors aren't allowed to do with their lady patients?

  Miss Scarlet : Yeah?

  Wadsworth : Well, he did.

  Miss Scarlet : Ha!

  Mrs. Peacock : Oh, how disgusting!

• Mr. Green : [dropped a spoon, spilling soup onto Miss Scarlet]  I'm sorry. I'm afraid I'm a little bit accident-prone.

  [starts to wipe soup off Miss Scarlet] 

  Miss Scarlet : [raises her hands, making him stop]  Ah, watch it!

• Mrs. Peacock : So, what does your husband do?

  Mrs. White : [quickly]  Nothing!

  Mrs. Peacock : Nothing?

  Mrs. White : Well, he just lies around on his back all day.

  Miss Scarlet : Sounds like hard work to me.

• Miss Scarlet : [looks in an envelope]  What's this, Wadsworth?

  Wadsworth : I'm afraid those are the negatives to which Colonel Mustard earlier referred.

  Colonel Mustard : Oh my God!

  Miss Scarlet : Were you planning to blackmail him, Wadsworth?

  Wadsworth : Certainly not! I detained them for the colonel and I was going to give them back as soon as Mr. Boddy was unmasked.

  Miss Scarlet : Mm, very pretty! Would you like to see these, Yvette, they might shock you.

  Yvette : No, merci. I am a lady.

  Miss Scarlet : Oh, how do you know what kind of pictures they are if you're such a lay-dee?

  Professor Plum : What sort of pictures are they?

  Colonel Mustard : They are *my* pictures and I'd like them back, please!

  Miss Scarlet : No, I'm afraid there's something in them that concerns me, too.

  Professor Plum : Let me see.

  Mrs. White : [gasps]  Oh no, nobody can get into that position.

  Professor Plum : Sure they can. Let me show you.

  [tries to do the position] 

  Mrs. White : Get off me!

• Mrs. White : You say you are used to being a hostess as part of your husband's work?

  Mrs. Peacock : Yes, it's an integral part of your life when you are the wife of a... Oh, but then I forgot, we're not supposed to say who we really are, though, heavens to Betsy, I don't know why.

  Colonel Mustard : Don't you?

  Mr. Green : I know who you are.

  Miss Scarlet : Aren't you gonna tell us?

  Mrs. Peacock : How do you know who I am?

  Mr. Green : I work in Washington, too.

  Professor Plum : Washington? So you're a politician's wife?

  Mrs. Peacock : Yes, I-I am.

  Colonel Mustard : Well, come on then, who's your husband?

• Wadsworth : [Walking about the room, collecting all of the weapons]  Look, we still have all of these weapons. The gun, the rope, the wrench, the lead pipe. Let's put them all in this cupboard and lock it.

  [Picking up the weapons and locking them in the cupboard] 

  Wadsworth : There's a homicidal maniac about.

  [Everyone agrees. Wadsworth puts the key in his pocket] 

  Mr. Green : What are you doing with the key?

  Wadsworth : Putting it in my pocket.

  Mr. Green : Why?

  Wadsworth : Well, to keep it safe, obviously.

  Mrs. Peacock : That means you can open it whenever you want.

  Wadsworth : But it also means that you can't.

  Mrs. Peacock : Well, what if you're the murderer?

  Wadsworth : I'm not.

  Colonel Mustard : But what if you are?

  Wadsworth : Well, it's got to be put somewhere. If I've got it, I know I'm safe.

  Mrs. Peacock : [Expressively; Mrs. Peacock is waving her hand rapidly back and forth, lightly hitting Mrs. White's chest accidentally. Mrs. White reacts with a startled look]  We don't know that we are!

  [Mrs. Peacock's leaf hat falls off as she gets frustrated with it] 

  Wadsworth : I've an idea. We'll throw it away.

  Colonel Mustard : Good idea!

  Mr. Green : Good idea!

  Yvette : Wonderful!

  Miss Scarlet : Brilliant!

  Professor Plum : That'll do it!

• Colonel Mustard : [Pouring a glass of whiskey for himself]  Anyone else want a whiskey?

  Miss Scarlet : Yeah.

  Colonel Mustard : [Mumbling]  Alright, I'll just...

  [Unsteadily pours whiskey between three glasses, heavily spilling it on the table in the process] 

• Mr. Green : You're a communist!

  Miss Scarlet : No, Mr. Green. Communism is just a red herring. Like all members of the oldest profession, I'm a capitalist.

• Wadsworth : Are you making moral judgements, Mrs. Peacock? How, then, do you justify taking bribes - in return for delivering your husband Senator Peacock's vote to certain lobbyists?

  Mrs. Peacock : My husband is a paid consultant. There is nothing wrong with that!

  Wadsworth : Not if it's publicly declared, perhaps. But if the payment is delivered by slipping used greenbacks in plain envelopes under the door of the men's room, how would you describe that transaction?

  Miss Scarlet : I'd say it stinks.

  Mrs. Peacock : Well, how would you know. When were you in that men's room?

• Professor Plum : But seriously, I don't see what's so terrible about Colonel Mustard visiting a house of ill fame.

  [puts his hand on Scarlet's leg] 

  Professor Plum : Most soldiers do, don't they?

  Miss Scarlet : Oh, please.