Splash (1983)

John Candy: Freddie Bauer

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Freddie : People fall in love every day, huh? Is that what you said?

  Allen : Yeah.

  Freddie : Yeah? Well, that's a crock. It doesn't work that way. Look, do you realize how happy you were with her? That is, of course, when you weren't driving yourself crazy. Every day? Come on. Some people will never BE that happy. I'LL never be that happy. What am I talking to you for? You don't know anything.

• Freddie : [Allen is passed out and laying on the bar in a snack bowl]  You see, drinking is a matter of algebraic ratio. How drunk you get is caused by the amount of alcohol you consume in relation to your total body weight. You see my point? It's not that you had too much to drink. You're just too skinny.

  [Allen remains comatose] 

  Freddie : Bartender! Another round for my friend and I here!

  Allen : No, no, Freddie. I don't want to get drunk!

  Freddie : But you *are* drunk. You see, a sober person would have reached for the pretzels.

  Bartender : Is he gonna' be up there all day?

  Freddie : I don't know.

  Allen : [coming to]  Ohhhh... I'm on the bar!

  Freddie : Oh, you're on the bar. Here, let me help you down.

  [Allen slips and falls to the floor] 

  Freddie : Uh-oh, you fell.

• [Allen is being mobbed by reporters] 

  Freddie : Allen. You all right?

  Allen : Yeah. Get me outta here.

  Freddie : Is anyone here from Penthouse Magazine?

  Reporters : No.

  Freddie : Then we ain't talkin'.

• Freddie : What you looking at? You never seen a guy who slept with a fish before?

• Allen : You know by the time I got there, she was already gone.

  Freddie : Victoria left, huh?

  Allen : Yeah. You know why she left Freddie? Because I didn't love her.

  Freddie : That bitch.

• Allen : [comes into the market considerably upbeat after his first night with Madison]  Hey, ev'rybody! Zip-a-dee-doo-dah!

  [and sings] 

  Allen : Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-yay - hey, Manuel!/My, oh, my, what a wonderful day... Plenty of sunshine headin' my way/Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-yay!

  Allen : [puts a mango on his shoulder and continues singing]  Mister Mango on my shoulder... Freddy! dance with me!

  [grabs his brother] 

  Freddie : [trying to pull away]  Wait! Not in front of the Teamsters!

  Allen : Oh, c'mon, c'mon! They're happy guys!

  Freddie : You're a rotten lead!

• Freddie : [in Swedish, he is posing as a Swedish doctor looking at the mermaid]  Hey babe! I got a twelve inch penis!

  [he later reveals that this was from a Swedish porn movie he saw] 

• Allen : Freddie, the woman learned how to speak English in a single afternoon.

  Freddie : She could probably speak English already. I think she was in shock from bein' arrested y'know?

  Allen : Well now, what about that, huh? What about a woman showing up naked in a public place, Freddie?

  Freddie : Well I'm for it, of course.

• [Excitedly waving a Penthouse magazine] 

  Freddie : They published my letter. Here it is, "A lesbian no more". They published my letter.

• Freddie : Look, if something works for me I stick with it.

• [Madison has been revealed to the world as a mermaid] 

  Freddie : So how is she?

  Allen : How is she? She's... she's a *mermaid*! I don't understand. All my life, I've been waiting for someone, and when I find her, she's a fish.

  Freddie : Nobody said love's perfect.

  Allen : Oh Freddie! I don't expect it to be perfect, but for God's sake it's usually *human*!

• Freddie : [re secretary acting out of it]  What's with her?

  Allen : Aw, she had a little accident over the weekend. Got hit in the head by some lightning.

  [Freddie bursts out laughing] 

  Allen : It's not funny, Freddie, it's not *funny!*

  Freddie : I'm sorry. That's not funny, that's not funny.

  Allen : Besides, she's okay. She can still do certain things around the office.

  Freddie : Like what, jump-start a car?

  [more raucous laughter]