A Christmas Story (1983)

RD Robb: Schwartz

Photos 

Quotes 

• Mother : [gets on the phone]  Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I'm fine. Uh, Mrs. Schwartz, do you know what Ralph just said?

  [Mrs. Schwartz's speech is inaudible] 

  Mother : No, he said...

  [whispers it close to the receiver] 

  Mrs. Schwartz : [in a hysterical tone]  NO, NOT THAT!

  Mother : Yes, that! Do you know where he heard it?

  Mrs. Schwartz : Probably from his father.

  Mother : No! He heard it from your son!

  Mrs. Schwartz : [screams hysterically]  WHAT? WHAT? WHAAAAAAT?

  [footsteps are heard followed by screaming and spanking] 

  Schwartz : [crying]  Ah, no! What did I do, Ma? What, I didn't do nothing! AAAAUUUUGGGGHHH!

  [Ralphie's mom hangs up the phone] 

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Another shot of mysterious, inexorable, official justice.

• Flick : Are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That's dumb!

  Schwartz : That's 'cause you know it'll stick!

  Flick : You're full of it!

  Schwartz : Oh yeah?

  Flick : Yeah!

  Schwartz : Well I double-DOG-dare ya!

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  NOW it was serious. A double-dog-dare. What else was there but a "triple dare you"? And then, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare.

  Schwartz : I TRIPLE-dog-dare ya!

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple dare and going right for the throat!

• Schwartz : Hey, smart ass. I asked my old man about sticking your tongue to a flagpole in the winter, and he says that it'll freeze right to the pole, just like I told ya.

  Flick : Ah, baloney. What would your old man know about anything?

  Schwartz : He knows, because he once saw a guy stick his tongue to a railroad track on a bet, and the fire department had to come get the guy's tongue off the track, because he couldn't get it off.

  Randy : [is trying to catch up]  C'mon, guys! Wait up! C'mon, guys! Wait up!

• [Scut Farkus scares Ralphie, Flick and Schwartz. But, he grabs Schwartz's arms] 

  Scut Farkus : Say "Uncle"!

  Schwartz : Uncle!

  Scut Farkus : Uncle.

  Schwartz : Uncle!

  Scut Farkus : Louder!

  Schwartz : Uncle!

  Scut Farkus : LOUDER!

  Schwartz : Uncle!

  Scut Farkus : Louder!

  Schwartz : [screams]  UNCLE!

  [Scut lets go of him] 

  Scut Farkus : Crybaby.

  Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating]  In our world, you were either a bully, a toady, or one of the nameless rabble of victims.

  Grover Dill : Alright, who's next?

  [roars, Ralphie, Randy, Flick and Schwartz screaming and running away. Scut Farkus and Grover Dill cackling] 

• [Ralphie and his friends are heading to the school] 

  Flick : Do you know what I'm getting for my old man for Christmas?

  Schwartz , Ralphie : Yeah, what?

  Flick : A rose that squirts. People come to smell it, it squirts them.

  Schwartz : I'm getting my old man a Flit gun.

  Ralphie : A Flit gun?

  Schwartz : Yeah.

  [Scut Farkus roaring at them, hanging on the monkey bars. They began to screaming and running to school. Grover Dill stops them] 

  Grover Dill : Stop right there.

  Ralphie : Who, me?

  Grover Dill : Yeah, you! Get over there!

  Ralphie : I can't now, Grover. I've... I've gotta go see Miss Shields.

  [They ran into school] 

  Grover Dill : Hey, come here! Get back here!

  Scut Farkus : Yeah, you get back here! Come back here!

  [to Flick] 

  Scut Farkus : You... come here.

  Flick : Who, me?

  Grover Dill : No, your Aunt Tilly. Yeah, you. Get over here!

  [Flick comes to them] 

  Flick : Uncle, uncle, uncle, uncle, uncle.

  [Scut Farkus grabs his arms, he screams] 

  Flick : UNCLE! UNCLE!