A Christmas Story (1983)
Peter Billingsley: Ralphie Parker
Photos
Quotes
-
Ralphie : Ohhhh fuuudge!
Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating] Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!
The Old Man : [stunned] What did you say?
Ralphie : Uh, um...
The Old Man : That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car... Go on.
Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating] It was all over - I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.
-
Mother : Are you ready to tell me?
[Ralphie mumbles yes]
Mother : Alright, where did you hear that word?
Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating] Now, I had heard that word at least ten times a day from my old man. He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But, I chickened out and said the first name that came to mind.
Ralphie : Schwartz!
Mother : Oh, I see.
[Puts soap back in Ralphie's mouth]
Ralphie : [Ralphie mumbles and scream]
-
Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating] Over the years I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference was for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor - heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Lifebuoy, on the other hand...
Ralphie : YECCHH!
-
Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating] Meanwhile, I struggled for exactly the right BB gun hint. It had to be firm, but subtle.
Ralphie : Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski's candy store!
[everyone stares at Ralphie]
Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating] They looked at me as if I had lobsters crawling out of my ears.
-
Ralphie : Scut Farkus!
Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating] Scut Farkus! What a rotten name! We were trapped. There he stood, between us and the alley. Scut Farkus staring out at us with his yellow eyes. He had yellow eyes! So help me, God! Yellow eyes!
-
Kid with Goggles : I like Santa.
Ralphie : Yeah.
Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating] Let's face it, most of us are scoffers. But moments before zero hour, it did not pay to take chances.
-
Ralphie : [in his fantasy, Ralphie explains the cause of his blindness] It... It 'twas... soap poisoning!
-
[Ralphie is visiting Santa at the department store, only he can't remember what he wanted]
Santa Claus : What do you want for Christmas, little boy?
Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating] My mind had gone blank. Frantically, I tried to remember what it was I wanted. I was blowing it, blowing it.
Male Elf : Come on, kid.
Santa Claus : How about a nice football?
Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating] Football? Football? What's a football? With unconscious will my voice squeaked out.
[Ralphie nods]
Santa Claus : Football. Okay, get him out of here.
Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating] A football? Oh no, what was I doing? Wake up, Stupid! Wake up!
Ralphie : [Ralphie is shoved down the slide, but he stops himself and climbs back up] No, no! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!
Santa Claus : You'll shoot your eye out, kid.
[Ralphie gasps]
Santa Claus : Merry Christmas. Ho, ho, ho!
[Santa pushes Ralphie down the slide with his boot]
Ralphie : No-o-o-o-o-o-o!
-
Ralphie : [chuckles] I was just kidding, even though Schwartz is getting one. I guess I'd just like some Tinker Toys.
Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating] I couldn't believe my own ears. Tinker Toys? She'd never buy it.
Mother : BB guns are dangerous. I don't want anyone shooting his eye out.
-
Ralphie : Hey Dad! I'll bet you'll never guess what I got you for Christmas.
The Old Man : A new furnace.
Ralphie : Ha ha! That's a good one, Dad!
[Randy laughs]
-
The Old Man : [unveiling his major award] Would you look at that? Would you look at THAT?
Mother : What is it?
The Old Man : It's a leg!
Mother : But what is it?
The Old Man : Well, it's... A leg, you know, like a statue.
Mother : Statue?
The Old Man : Yeah, statue.
Ralphie : Yeah, statue.
Mother : Ralphie!
Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating] My mother was trying to insinuate herself between us and the statue.
-
Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating] Strange. Even something as momentous as "The Scut Farkus affair." Which it came to be known, was pushed out of my mind as I struggled to come up with a way out of the impenetrable BB gun web, in which my mother had me trapped.
Ralphie : Santa. Yeah, I'll ask Santa.
Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating] Of course. Santa. The big man. The head honcho. The connection. Ha, my mother had slipped up this time.
-
Ralphie : Mom, this is just the same old dumb parade as last year.
Mother : Ralphie, will you please calm down?
Ralphie : Mom!
Mother : Hush!
The Old Man : Shut up, Ralphie!
-
Ralphie as an Adult : C+? Oh no, it CAN'T be!
Ralphie : C+?
Miss Shields : [in Ralphie's fantasy, dressed as the Wicked Witch] C+! C+! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
-
Ralphie : [Giving his teacher a fruit basket instead of just an apple] I thought you might like something different.
Ralphie as an Adult : Yes, clearly, a little bribe never hurts.
-
Ralphie as an Adult : [narrating] Round One was over.
[chuckling]
Ralphie as an Adult : Parents one, kids zip. I can feel the Christmas noose beginning to tighten. Maybe, what happened next, was inevitable.
Mother : Ralphie, what would you like for Christmas?
Ralphie as an Adult : Horrified, I heard myself blurt it out!
Ralphie : I want an Official Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot range model air rifle.
[Realizing he's made a mistake]
Ralphie : Ooohhh...
Mother : No, shoot your eye out.
Ralphie as an Adult : Oh, no! It was a classic, mother BB-gun block. "You'll shoot your eye out!" That deadly phrase honored many times by hundreds of mothers was not surmountable by any means known to Kiddom, but such as my mania, my desire for a Red Ryder carbine, that I immediately began to rebuild the dike.
-
Man in Line for Santa : Young man? Hey, kid? Just where do you think you're going?
Ralphie : Going up to see Santa.
Man in Line for Santa : The line ENDS here. It begins THERE.
[Points to the very end of a very long line]
Ralphie : Oh, no.
-
Ralphie as an Adult : [regarding the note on his report] Oh, no! "You'll shoot your eye out!"?
Ralphie : Oh, no!
Ralphie as an Adult : My mother must have gotten to Miss Shields! There could be no other explanation!
Miss Shields , Mother : [in Ralphie's fantasy, Miss Shields is dressed as the Wicked Witch and Ralphie's mother as a jester, both chanting] "You'll shoot your eye out! You'll shoot your eye out! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ralphie as an Adult : Was there no end to this conspiracy of irrational prejudice against Red Ryder and his peacemaker?
-
Ralphie : Well, what have we got here, folks?
The Old Man : Well, we figure it's Black Bart, uh, Ralph.
Ralphie : Well, it's just me and my trusty old Red Ryder carbine-action, 200-shot, range model air rifle. Lucky I got a compass in the stock.
-
Ralphie : Hey, Dad! I bet you never guess what I got you for Christmas!
The Old Man : [staring blissfully into space] A new furnace?
Ralphie : [chuckling] That's a good one, dad!
[Randy is laughing]
Ralphie as an Adult : My old man was one of the most feared furnace fighters in Northern Indiana.
-
Boy in School : [Firemen come to pull Flick off pole] Holy cow, it's the fire department!
Ralphie : [Suddenly embarrassed] Oh no...
Boy in School : [policemen come] Wow, it's the cops!
[Ralphie puts his head down]
-
Ralphie : You dork no-good damn nothing, dadgum stinking bitch!
-
[Ralphie and his friends are heading to the school]
Flick : Do you know what I'm getting for my old man for Christmas?
Schwartz , Ralphie : Yeah, what?
Flick : A rose that squirts. People come to smell it, it squirts them.
Schwartz : I'm getting my old man a Flit gun.
Ralphie : A Flit gun?
Schwartz : Yeah.
[Scut Farkus roaring at them, hanging on the monkey bars. They began to screaming and running to school. Grover Dill stops them]
Grover Dill : Stop right there.
Ralphie : Who, me?
Grover Dill : Yeah, you! Get over there!
Ralphie : I can't now, Grover. I've... I've gotta go see Miss Shields.
[They ran into school]
Grover Dill : Hey, come here! Get back here!
Scut Farkus : Yeah, you get back here! Come back here!
[to Flick]
Scut Farkus : You... come here.
Flick : Who, me?
Grover Dill : No, your Aunt Tilly. Yeah, you. Get over here!
[Flick comes to them]
Flick : Uncle, uncle, uncle, uncle, uncle.
[Scut Farkus grabs his arms, he screams]
Flick : UNCLE! UNCLE!
