Victor/Victoria (1982)

Alex Karras: 'Squash' Bernstein

Photos 

Quotes 

• King Marchand : [being pursued by an enraged Norma, who is foaming at the mouth. Squash gets out of bed]  Look out!

  Norma : YOU SON OF A BITCH!

  [throws a vase] 

  'Squash' Bernstein : Now, Norma...

  Norma : NOBODY PUTS SOAP IN MY MOUTH, NOT EVEN MY MOTHER!

  [throws a flower pot] 

  'Squash' Bernstein : You're being very childish...

  Norma : I'M GONNA KILL HIM! I'M GONNA KILL YOU TOO, YOU BIG, MUSCLE-BOUND...

  [throws another flower pot] 

  'Squash' Bernstein : Now, listen you have to learn to control yourself...

  Norma : OH! I'LL KILL...

  [grabs an ornamental spear and charges] 

  'Squash' Bernstein : Oh, SHIT!

  Norma : THIS IS IT! I'M GONNA KILL YOU...

  [Squash runs into the bathroom with King just as Norma rams the door] 

  Norma : LET ME IN THERE!

  King Marchand : You and your ideas! "Why don't you take her to Paris with you, Boss?"

  'Squash' Bernstein : I just thought she'd help you relax!

  King Marchand : NEVER help me relax!

  'Squash' Bernstein : Then send her home!

  King Marchand : Why don't you ever come up with a really good idea?

  'Squash' Bernstein : For instance?

  King Marchand : YOU send her home!

• 'Squash' Bernstein : In one fell swoop you've changed my whole life.

  King Marchand : It wasn't *that* kind of swoop.

  'Squash' Bernstein : Listen, if a guy like you can have the guts to admit that he's gay,

  [pause] 

  'Squash' Bernstein : then so can I.

  [kisses King] 

  'Squash' Bernstein : You've made me very happy!

• King Marchand : [working out at a gym]  Hey, Squash...

  'Squash' Bernstein : Yeah?

  King Marchand : Can I ask you a... personal question?

  'Squash' Bernstein : Go ahead.

  King Marchand : How long, I mean... exactly when did you know you...

  'Squash' Bernstein : How long have I been gay?

  King Marchand : Yeah.

  'Squash' Bernstein : Oh, God, I can't remember when I wasn't!

  King Marchand : I've known you for fifteen years...

  'Squash' Bernstein : You know a lot of guys, boss, you'd be surprised.

  King Marchand : But, you were all-American! I never saw a rougher, tougher, meaner, sonofabitch football player in all my life.

  'Squash' Bernstein : Boss, if you didn't want the guys to call you queer, you became a rough tough sonofabitchin' football player.

  King Marchand : [suddenly colliding with a large man and his companion]  Why don't you watch where you're going, huh?

  Large Man's Companion : [after translating to the Large Man in French]  He says that it was your fault and suggests that you apologize.

  King Marchand : Oh, he does, does he?

  'Squash' Bernstein : Come on, boss...

  King Marchand : No, no, no...

  [to Companion] 

  King Marchand : Well, you tell him if he'd like an apology, he can just get him some gloves and I'll see him in the ring.

  Large Man's Companion : [translating]  Just give him ten minutes. He will be delighted to oblige.

  [they walk off] 

  King Marchand : "He'll be delighted to oblige." Who the hell does he think he is?

  'Squash' Bernstein : Guy Langois, the French middleweight boxing champion.

  [King freezes] 

  'Squash' Bernstein : But don't worry!

  [whispers] 

  'Squash' Bernstein : He's gay.

• 'Squash' Bernstein : [covered with snow, to a man opening his hotel room door]  Do you have heat?

  [the man nods] 

  'Squash' Bernstein : Oh, you're lucky!

• 'Squash' Bernstein : Apparently the mob doesn't find homosexuality to be an acceptable lifestyle...

  Toddy : Kill him, but mustn't kiss him.

• King Marchand : Stick around, I might want to play some golf.

  'Squash' Bernstein : Boss, it's snowing outside!

  King Marchand : We'll use red balls.