Author! Author! (1982)

Al Pacino: Ivan Travalian

Photos 

4 more photos

Quotes 

• Travalian : No ex-husband of Gloria's ever has to apologize to me about anything. We're like a little club.

• Ivan : I have done many terrible things in my life but I have never put another man's wife in my bed.

  Larry Kotzwinkle : Wasn't she married to that Spanish painter when you slept with her?

  Ivan : Don't prove me wrong, Larry, I hate it when I'm proven wrong.

• Ivan : [from trailer]  I had a lousy day today. I turned 42, I fired a director, I beat my kids...

  [his children look up, clearly alarmed] 

  Ivan : I forgot to beat my kids!

  [a family pillowfight ensues in the living room] 

• Gloria Travalian : Ivan, I'm not leaving you for another man.

  Travalian : Larry Kotzwinkle's not a man, he's a duck.

• Gloria Travalian : Larry is a wonderful man.

  Ivan : I'm thrilled to hear this.

  Gloria Travalian : Larry is a wonderful man, but he's not you.

  Ivan : That's what I figured when he scratched his leg and I felt nothing. 'This man is not me.'

  Gloria Travalian : [Snobs]  How can you joke at a time like this?

  Ivan : I joke, You snob. What difference does it make? We're both miserable.

• Ivan : [finding Alice at a table with three champagne flutes; a single aspirin is in front of each]  Why all the champagne?

  Alice : I need it to take the aspirin.

  Ivan : Why do you need aspirin?

  Alice : Oh, champagne gives me a headache.

• Ivan : GLORIA! GLOOOORIAAAAA!

• Ivan : Eat it. It's healthy. You'll live longer.

  Kreplich : I have a miserable life. I don't want to live longer.

• Drug Dealer : You shove, shoot it, snort it. I gotta sell it.

  Travalian : Look, my kid's in the business.

• Ivan : Okay, Gloria!

  [picking up a table] 

  Ivan : Sit down or I'm gonna hit you with this chair!

  Gloria Travalian : That's a table.

• Bonnie : Oh good my cheesy I love my cheesy!

  Ivan : Bonnie, act your age.

  Bonnie : I'm eleven.

  Ivan : Act it.

  Bonnie : How the hell do you act eleven?

  Ivan : That's better.

• Gloria Travalian : Oh, Ivan. I'm hurting you.

  Ivan : That's the kindest thing you've said to me in six months, "Oh, Ivan, I'm hurting you."

• Seth Shapiro : [helping her on with her fur coat]  What a fabulous look! What's it called?

  Alice : Peach Divine.

  Seth Shapiro : Is it edible?

  Alice : Do you think he's bi-sexual?

  Ivan : He never looked at a woman in his life!

• Gloria Travalian : You're at the goddamn typewriter 14 hours a day...

  Ivan : I'M AT THE GODDAMN TYPEWRITER, GLORIA... BECAUSE I'M A GODDAMN WRITER, GLORIA!

• Gloria Travalian : Larry and I are moving to the Good Harbor Beach Inn in Massachusetts. We've agreed to live there for a three month trial period and if it works, we'll be married on Larry's birthday in March.

  Ivan : Okay... okay-I guess I'll be heading back to rehearsal. Enough taking time off from work for fun, huh? You can keep the night table, Gloria.

  Gloria Travalian : No...

  Ivan : I just wanna say that you are the craziest person I've met since the guy blocking the bank door. He was wearing a Superman cape and pantyhose... crazier than you... maybe not.

• Ivan : Class dismissed!