Stripes (1981)

Bill Murray: John

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Quotes 

• John Winger : Cut it out! Cut it out! Cut it out! The hell's the matter with you? Stupid! We're all very different people. We're not Watusi. We're not Spartans. We're Americans, with a capital 'A', huh? You know what that means? Do ya? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world. We are the wretched refuse. We're the underdog. We're mutts! Here's proof: his nose is cold! But there's no animal that's more faithful, that's more loyal, more loveable than the mutt. Who saw "Old Yeller?" Who cried when Old Yeller got shot at the end?

  [raises his hand] 

  John Winger : [Sarcastically]  Nobody cried when Old Yeller got shot? I'm sure.

  [hands are reluctantly raised] 

  John Winger : I cried my eyes out. So we're all dogfaces, we're all very, very different, but there is one thing that we all have in common: we were all stupid enough to enlist in the Army. We're mutants. There's something wrong with us, something very, very wrong with us. Something seriously wrong with us - we're soldiers. But we're American soldiers! We've been kicking ass for 200 years! We're ten and one! Now we don't have to worry about whether or not we practiced. We don't have to worry about whether Captain Stillman wants to have us hung. All we have to do is to be the great American fighting soldier that is inside each one of us. Now do what I do, and say what I say. And make me proud.

• Recruiter : Have you ever been convicted of a felony or a misdemeanor? That's robbery, rape, car theft, that sort of thing.

  John Winger : Convicted? No.

  Russell Ziskey : Never convicted.

• Recruiter : Now, are either of you homosexuals?

  John Winger : [John and Russell look at each other]  You mean, like, flaming, or...

  Recruiter : Well, it's a standard question we have to ask.

  Russell Ziskey : No, we're not homosexual, but we are *willing to learn*.

  John Winger : Yeah, would they send us someplace special?

  Recruiter : I guess that's "no" on both. Now if you could just give Uncle Sam your autograph...

• John Winger : C'mon, it's Czechoslovakia. We zip in, we pick 'em up, we zip right out again. We're not going to Moscow. It's Czechoslovakia. It's like going into Wisconsin.

  Russell Ziskey : Well I got the shit kicked out of me in Wisconsin once. Forget it!

• General Barnicke : Where is your drill sergeant, men?

  John Winger : Blown up, sir!

  Soldiers : Blown up, sir!

• Russell Ziskey : You could join a monastery.

  John Winger : Did you ever see a monk get wildly fucked by some teenage girls?

  Russell Ziskey : Never.

  John Winger : So much for the monastery.

• John Winger : And then depression set in.

• John Winger : Why'd the chicken cross the road?

  Soldiers : To get from the left to the right

  John Winger : He stepped out of rank, got hit by a tank

  Soldiers : He ain't no chicken no more

• [Winger's girlfriend is leaving him] 

  John Winger : You can't go! All the plants are gonna *die*!

• John Winger : My philosophy: a hundred-dollar shine on a three-dollar pair of shoes.

• Sergeant Hulka : Okay, Mr. Push-ups, let's hear your story.

  John Winger : Chicks dig me, because I rarely wear underwear and when I do it's usually something unusual. But now I know why I have always lost women to guys like you. I mean, it's not just the uniform. It's the stories that you tell. So much fun and imagination.

  [points to the soldier next to him] 

  John Winger : Lee Harvey, you are a madman. When you stole that cow, and your friend tried to make it with the cow. I want to party with you, cowboy. If the two of us together, forget it. I'm gonna go out on a limb here. I'm gonna volunteer my leadership to this platoon. An army without leaders is like a foot without a big toe. And Sergeant Hulka isn't always gonna be here to be that big toe for us. I think that we owe a big round of applause to our newest, bestest buddy, and big toe... Sergeant Hulka.

  [the soldiers start clapping] 

  Sergeant Hulka : Well, okay, hot shot. We're gonna see what kind of soldier you are. Reveille is O five hundred. We're going to fall out with locker boxes and we're going to have a locker box inspection. And then we're going to do ten miles. Rain or shine! So, you better hit them bunks my little babies. Or, Sgt Hulka with the big toe is going to see how far he can stick it up your ass!

• Russell Ziskey : John, do you think I'm officer material?

  John Winger : God, I'm worried about you.

  Russell Ziskey : Come on! I'm in good shape, I'm walking tall, I'm looking good. First weekend in Europe.

  John Winger : Yeah. We're spending it in an airplane hangar... guarding a truck!

  Russell Ziskey : We've got each other.

• Sergeant Hulka : Men, welcome to the United States Army. I'm Sergeant Hulka. I'm your drill sergeant. Before we proceed any further, we gotta get something straight. Your mamas are not here to take care of you now. It's just you, me, and Uncle Sam. And before I leave you, you're gonna find out that me and Uncle Sam are one in the same.

  John Winger : Uncle Hulka?

• General Barnicke : Are you telling me that you men finished your training on your own?

  John Winger : DAT'S DAH FACT, JACK!

  Soldiers : THAT'S THE FACT, JACK!

• General Barnicke : Where have you been soldier?

  John Winger : TRAINING, SIR!

  Soldiers : TRAINING, SIR!

  General Barnicke : What kind of training?

  John Winger : BLAAAAARRRRRRMYYYYYY TRAINING, SIR!

  Soldiers : ARMY TRAINING, SIR!

• Sergeant Hulka : I'm talking about something important, like discipline and duty and honor and courage. And you ain't got none of it!

  John Winger : Those words mean so much to a man who scrubs garbage cans. Look, if you don't want me in your Army, kick me out, but get off my back.

  Sergeant Hulka : Maybe you'd like to take a swing at me.

  John Winger : I 'd like to take a BIG swing at you, sarge.

  Sergeant Hulka : Well, go ahead and give it your best shot.

  John Winger : I don't think I want to go to the stockade.

  Sergeant Hulka : I'll take my hat off. There we are, Winger. Ain't no more drill sergeant. It's just you and me, kid, man to man. So go ahead, give it your best shot. Swing at me. Gutless. Punk!

  [Winger fakes, then tries to hit Sgt. Hulka, who ducks and punches Winger in his stomach, dropping him to his knees, gasping for breath] 

  Sergeant Hulka : [putting his hat back on]  I'm willing to forget this little incident. And I want you to think real hard about it. And maybe someday you'll understand what the hell I'm talking about.

• Sergeant Hulka : You know something soldier, I've noticed that you're always last.

  John Winger : I'm pacing myself, Sergeant.

  Sergeant Hulka : Move it!

• John Winger : Come on. Let's take the truck.

  [John stares at Russell. Russell looks away from the manual to John, then up to the EM-50] 

  Russell Ziskey : Nooo.

  John Winger : Oh yeah.

  Russell Ziskey : Nooo.

  John Winger : Oh-ho, yeah.

  Russell Ziskey : No, no.

  John Winger : Oh-oh...

  Russell Ziskey : No.

  John Winger : ...yeah, yeah...

  Russell Ziskey : No.

  John Winger : ...yeah, yeah...

  Russell Ziskey : No.

  John Winger : ...yeah, yeah.

  Russell Ziskey : No, John. No.

  John Winger : I'll drive.

  Russell Ziskey : Okay.

• Dowager in Cab : I've never gone this way before.

  John Winger : Well, I'm sure there's a lot of ways I've gone that you haven't.

• John Winger : Oh, it's not the speed really so much, I just wish I hadn't drunk all that cough syrup this morning.

• Sergeant Hulka : We got a full day ahead of us. We're gonna start out with a five-mile run.

  [Soldiers groan] 

  John Winger : I know that I'm speaking for the entire platoon when I say this run should be postponed until this platoon is better rested.

  Sergeant Hulka : Well, I'll tell you what, soldier. Let's make it ten miles.

• Sergeant Hulka : You don't say "sir" to me, I'm a sergeant, I work for a living.

  Soldiers : Yes, sergeant!

  Sergeant Hulka : I didn't hear you!

  Soldiers : *Yes, sergeant*!

  Sergeant Hulka : *That's* what I wanna hear.

  John Winger : Do you think this guy's over-doing it a bit?

• John Winger : Tito Puente's gonna be dead, and you're gonna say, "Oh, I've been listening to him for years, and I think he's fabulous."

• Dewey Oxburger : It doesn't seem fair.

  John Winger : FAIR? Who cares about fair? The world isn't fair. Truth is fair. Is it fair that you were born like this? NO! They're not expecting somebody like you in there, Ox. They're expected one of these slugs. You're different. You're weird. You're a mutant. You're a killer. You're a trained killer. You're a LEAN... MEAN...

  Dewey Oxburger , John Winger : FIGHTING... MACHINE!"

  Dewey Oxburger : I'LL DO IT!

• Russell Ziskey : [Russell has just accosted John, who is trying to sneak off the base in the middle of the night... Russell has John on the ground]  Where do you think you're going? Are you going AWOL? Are you going AWOL?

  John Winger : No, I'm deserting.

  Russell Ziskey : You idiot! You desert now, it's a federal offense!

  John Winger : I'll take my chances with the feds!

  Russell Ziskey : You're not going anywhere!

  [pulls him up and throws him up against a tank] 

  Russell Ziskey : You listen to me! You're gonna finish basic training! You're gonna keep your mouth shut, and you're gonna do everything he tells you! You know why?

  John Winger : [innocently]  Why?

  Russell Ziskey : Because you talked me into this, you idiot! It was your idea!

  John Winger : I didn't talk you into this. You NEEDED this.

  Russell Ziskey : [drags John back to the ground]  I'm gonna kill you, damn you! Where's the great pay? Where's the travel? Where's the Winnebago, Goddamnit!

  [MPs Stella and Louise pull up in their jeep] 

• John Winger : [busting himself in the crotch with a suitcase]  Oh, my balls! OH, MY BALLS!

• Captain Hollister : I'm Captain Hollister, Special Operations Group. Who are you?

  John Winger : I'm Major Dodge.

  Captain Hollister : Captain DeSoto.

  John Winger : Pleasure to meet you, Hollister. Heard a lot about you.

  Captain Hollister : Well, I never heard any of you. And you're not on my roster.

  John Winger : That's just the way we like to keep it, Captain. It's double double top-secret.

  Captain Hollister : Intelligence?

  John Winger : Some.

• Russell Ziskey : There are two things I promised myself I'd never do: Kill and die.

  John Winger : What if the Russians were raping your sister?

  Russell Ziskey : Come on, you know my sister. You practically raped her one night. The Russians would just have to buy her dinner.

• [after a shoe shine] 

  John Winger : I don't think I've ever been this happy.

• John Winger : Don't order the Schnitzel, they're using Schnauzer.

• John Winger : I've had an interesting morning. In the last two hours I've lost my job, my apartment, my car, and my girlfriend.

  Russell Ziskey : You still have your health.

• John Winger : [Winger and Hansen are trapped by enemy fire]  You know who would love this? Russell!

  John Winger , Stella Hansen : Russell! Russell! Help us!

  John Winger : [Russell fires the flamethrowers on the EM-50 driving the enemy back]  Thaaaank yoooou!

• Russell Ziskey : [after Winger pulls a gun on border guards]  Do the words "act of war" mean anything to you?

  John Winger : I have... a plan.

  Russell Ziskey : Great! Custer had a plan, too.

• John Winger : How much can you straighten out in one week?

  Anita : It hasn't been a week, John. It's been six months! Nothing's changed! You sleep until noon and then you watch "Rocky and Bullwinkle" and then you drive your... , what, a couple of hours? You come home and you order out food and then you play those stupid Tito Puente albums until two in the morning!

  John Winger : Tito Puente is going to be dead and you're going to say, "Oh, I've been listening to him for years and I think he's fabulous."

  Anita : That's right. And then you watch movies until dawn and then - then you come to bed with me.

  John Winger : You don't think that takes energy? You're a sexual dynamo! Most guys couldn't even handle you. I've been readin' books on the outside just so I can keep up with you!

  Anita : It's not funny. You're going nowhere, John. It's just not that cute anymore.

  John Winger : It's a little cute. Come on, I'm part of a lost and restless generation. What do you want me to do? Run for the Senate?

• Anita : John, no. It's not going to work! Look, I like you; but, I need something more. I need somebody whose going to develop with me and somebody whose going to grow with me. Goodbye.

  John Winger : Grow?

  Anita : Bye.

  John Winger : Who can grow more than me? Talk about massive potential for growth! I am the little acorn that becomes the oak!

• Sergeant Hulka : You're all in this together!

  [to Psycho] 

  Sergeant Hulka : One of these men may save your life one of these days. You understand that?

  John Winger : Then again, maybe one of us won't.

• John Winger : You know what the rest of your problem is?

  Stella Hansen : Tell me.

  John Winger : You've never had anybody give you the Aunt Jemima treatment.

• John Winger : Who's your friend? Who's your buddy? I am, aren't I? You're crazy about me, aren't you?

  Stella Hansen : No!

  John Winger : You're head over heels in love with me! You're hopelessly, deeply in love with me, aren't you?

  Stella Hansen : Yes.

• John Winger : We're so damned lost. Where the hell is Innsbruck, Austria?

• Sergeant Hulka : Now, since nobody else has got the guts...

  [turns to John] 

  Sergeant Hulka : ...to admit it, the rest of this platoon... will do the next two weekends on KP.

  [soldiers groan] 

  Sergeant Hulka : How's that sound to you, mister?

  John Winger : I think it sucks.

• uncredited : Boxer or Jockey?

  John Winger : You got something in a low-rise bikini? Mesh, if possible.

• Captain Hollister : Intelligence?

  John Winger : John Winger: Some

• John Winger : [emerging with Stella from foot locker in general's bedroom]  Well, that was interesting.

• John Winger : [Deleted scene. After finding out misinformation from Captain Stillman about Sgt. Hulka's accident]  . That's not what I heard.

  Captain Stillman : [Stillman leaps from his desk and knocks over the telephone]  Who said that?

  [to one of the cadets] 

  Captain Stillman : Pick that up! Who said that!

  [to Elmo] 

  Captain Stillman : Was it you?

  John Winger : I said it.

  Captain Stillman : [angrily]  Now, I don't care what you heard. My sources told me that Sgt. Crocker was in guilt of the accident and unable to control his men!

  John Winger : Have it your way... sir.

  Captain Stillman : You bet I will, soldier. Now, I don't want to hear one more insubordinate word from anyone in this platoon. The subject is closed. You better stop worrying about what happened to Sgt. Hulka and start worrying about how you're all going to pass graduation, tomorrow. You have three days to get it together and if you want my honest opinion

  [smiles] 

  Captain Stillman : You're not going to make it.

• John Winger : This doesn't look bad.

  Russell Ziskey : What? The Army? You're kidding.

  John Winger : No. I've always thought about joining the Army.

  Russell Ziskey : Bull shit, you're not the type.

  Russell Ziskey : What do you mean I'm not the type? I've seen the kind of guys that enlist in the Army. I saw them when I was working in unemployment. They're just like us, except they're not as - sophisticated.

  Russell Ziskey : Yeah, they're not as old either.

• John Winger : [knocking on the door of the room the soldiers are being held prisoner in]  Hello? Hello?

  Dewey Oxburger : Hello?

  John Winger : [in a falsetto voice]  Hello.

  Dewey Oxburger : Who is it?

  John Winger : It's Idi Amin.

  Elmo : It's Winger!

• John Winger : [walking into the Pom Pom Club, seeing the female mud wrestlers]  This might be fun.

• John Winger : Have you been doing your special exercises?

  [Stella laughs] 

  John Winger : I brought the magic suitcase.

• John Winger : [Upon Sgt. Hulka catching up with the squad and entering the barracks in Italy]  It... is... alive!