S.O.B. (1981)

William Holden: Tim Culley

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dr. Irving Finegarten : Come to think of it, why should I give you a vitamin shot? I'm the one with the hangover. B-12, B-Complex, Crude Liver, and a generous jolt of adrenal cortex. Chased by a Bloody Mary. L'chaim!

  Tim Culley : I thought that was a chaser.

  Dr. Irving Finegarten : Where would Salk or Pasteur be if they hadn't taken chances?

  [Turns to Lila] 

  Dr. Irving Finegarten : Now Lila, in order to inject this properly I have to expose my gluteus maximus.

  Lila : Want me to do it for ya?

  Dr. Irving Finegarten : Are you perchance a nurse?

  Lila : No, I used to be a junkie.

  Dr. Irving Finegarten : Would it endanger your amateur standing if I asked you to use a sterilized needle?

  Lila : You're the doctor.

  Dr. Irving Finegarten : Oh, that's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all week.

• Tim Culley : Felix, for the last 40 years I've lived a life of dedicated debauchery. I've consumed enough booze to destroy a dozen healthy livers. I've filled my lungs with enough nicotine to poison the entire population of Orange County. I've engaged in sexual excesses that make Caligula look like a celibate monk. I have, in fact, conscientiously, day in and day out, for more years than you've been in this best of all possible worlds, tried to kill myself and I've never felt better in my life. So, if you're really going to end it all, I can show you at least a half-dozen better ways to do it.

• Tim Culley : What'd you give him?

  Dr. Irving Finegarten : Oh, a pinch of this, a dash of that. Sometimes referred to in the trade as a Sleeping Beauty Boilermaker. Take no notice if he begins to levitate. It's a common side effect.

• Ben Coogan : What are we going to do with him? It?

  Tim Culley : I've been thinking: a burial at sea.

  Ben Coogan : Beautiful. A burial at sea.

  Ben Coogan : I don't like to be a party pooper, but I get seasick.

  Dr. Irving Finegarten : A-ha! The last of your excremental bodily functions! Worthy of the Guinness Book of Records.

• Tim Culley : Felix, as far as you know, have I ever lied to you?

  Felix Farmer : Never.

  Tim Culley : Well, I have, once or twice. About nothing that was too important. But now the fact that I have admitted that on occasion I have lied to you should convince you that I'm a fairly honest man. And when it comes to the crunch, I can handle myself with an acceptable degree of integrity. Now, do you agree?

  Felix Farmer : Wholeheartedly.

  Tim Culley : I'm going to give it to you straight, old friend.

  Felix Farmer : You think I'm crazy.

  Tim Culley : Well, that's a little straighter than I intended.

  Felix Farmer : Maybe, Culley, maybe. Hey, I tried to kill myself four times. Hardly rational. $16 Million-plus for a flop, every cent I have in the world - Not what most people would consider a very sane act. But, insane, Culley? What if I'm right? If my vision is valid, Culley, not so crazy, a more acceptable insanity. Culley, that's all beside the point. Sane and miserable or insane and bursting with greater joy and happiness. THAT'S the point, Culley. And in the final analysis, who says "He's sane therefore he should" or "He's insane, therefore he shouldn't"? Culley, come on, even if I'm wrong, and I'm not, I'm full of fire, Culley! I'm a blazing comet!

  Tim Culley : Comets burn out, pal.

  Felix Farmer : But, Ah, my foes, and Oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light.

• Dr. Irving Finegarten : What is that?

  Tim Culley : Sounds like someone left a faucet running.

  Ben Coogan : I'm peeing!

  Dr. Irving Finegarten : Into what?

  Ben Coogan : My pants!

• Tim Culley : You stay in the car.

  Dr. Irving Finegarten : Who stay in the car?

  Tim Culley : Him. Stay in the car.

  Ben Coogan : I don't wanna stay in the car.

  Tim Culley : Look, we've got to be sly and stealthy, and you're too pissed!

  Ben Coogan : Bullshit, I can be just as sty and slealthy as you can.

  Dr. Irving Finegarten : It's rise or fall together, culley. It's The Three Muscatels.

• Felix Farmer : We're in business. All right. Writers, writers. Who wrote "Last Tango"?

  Tim Culley : Beats me.

  Felix Farmer : My God, Culley, neither one of us knows who wrote "Last Tango."

  Tim Culley : I hated it. I can never remember the names of people that perpetrate something i hate.

  Felix Farmer : But that's the trouble, don't you see? I hated it, too!

  Tim Culley : In my opinion, a discretionary judgment.

  Felix Farmer : But we're wrong, Culley. That's what they want. That's where it's at!

  Tim Culley : It's been my experience that every time I think I know where "it's at," it's usually somewhere else.

• Sally Miles : You know, you are sexually notorious.

  Tim Culley : Semi-fraudulent reputation - which I do everything I can to encourage.

  Sally Miles : *Why*?

  Tim Culley : Because it's the best way for an *old* man to compete in a *young* man's world.

• Tim Culley : It's been my experience that when I think I know where something is at, it's usually somewhere else.

• Babs : I'd like to nude-sunbathe, but I don't wanna get busted.

  Tim Culley : Darling, you already are busted.

  Babs : Then you think it's all right?

  Tim Culley : I think it's a wonderful idea.

  Babs : Great! Here goes nothing.

  [takes her top off and goes out to the porch] 

  Tim Culley : If that's her idea of nothing, can you imagine her concept of something?

• [storms in, Felix gets into ninja mode] 

  Felix Farmer : I must warn you - my hands are lethal weapons.

  Sally Miles : Oh, so's your goddamn fountain pen!

  Tim Culley : I'd better be going...

  Sally Miles : You stay wherever you are, Culley! You're a witness! You lunatic! You maniac! $16 million? Felix, half of that money is mine!

  Felix Farmer : That entitles you to 50% of the profits!

  Sally Miles : That entitles me to have you arrested for grand theft, larceny, fraud, embezzlement, you thieving, filthy son of a bitch!

  Felix Farmer : Sally Miles SWEARS!

  Sally Miles : Give me my money or I... WILL... KILL YOU!

  Felix Farmer : Sally Miles KILLS!

  Sally Miles : [She throws her Oscar at Felix and smashes a window]  OHHH SHIT!

  Felix Farmer : Sally Miles says SHIT! Whoo-hoo! It's $100 million dollars at the box office! $200 million! HA HA, Peter Pan is Dead! Long live Gillian West, nymphomaniac executive!

  [chortling] 

  Felix Farmer : Not since Edison, not since Griffith, not since Jolson! We'll make motion-picture history! Ah! A cinematic monument to man's immorality, a celluloid prophecy of the holocaust to come. For if God spared, not the angels that sinned. But cast them down to hell, and delivered them into chains of darkness. To reserve them for judgment, and spared not the old world. But saved Noah, the eighth person, a preacher of righteousness, bringing the flood upon the world of the ungodly.

  [Ben, who stands above Felix from the hole in his bedroom floor, vomits onto him below] 

  Sally Miles : Aah! Oh, god!

• Officer Phil Buchwald : Tell Mr. Farmer, if he ever does a movie about the cops, I got enough stories to fill a steamer trunk.

  Tim Culley : I'll tell him.

  Officer Phil Buchwald : And none of that "Serpico" crap - the real cops.

• Lila : Cully!

  Tim Culley : Yeah?

  Lila : I'm starved. What do I do about dinner?

  Tim Culley : What do you normally do about dinner?

  Lila : Eat.

  Tim Culley : Well, why should today be any different?

  Dr. Irving Finegarten : And we're out of vodka.

  Tim Culley : Geez, Irving, I just opened another fifth!

  Dr. Irving Finegarten : Then it's only fair that I open the next one.

• Sally Miles : My public will see! My children will see!

  Felix Farmer : It will be R-rated. They won't even let them in!

  Sally Miles : But they'll know! Don't you care if they know? God, Felix, they're your children, too.

  Felix Farmer : Sophia Loren has children. I hear she's a wonderful mother. She would never do anything to hurt her children, And God knows the public has seen her...

  Sally Miles : Oh, I know!

  Felix Farmer : Ben? Culley?

  Tim Culley : Glenda Jackson.

  Felix Farmer : Glenda Jackson! A fantastic mother.

  Ben Coogan : Venessa. Vanessa Redgrave.

  Felix Farmer : You'll never find a better mother. Somebody who's not English.

  Tim Culley : Jane Fonda.

  Felix Farmer : Jane Fonda!

  Tim Culley : Shirley MacLaine.

  Felix Farmer : Shirley MacLaine!

  Ben Coogan : Liv Ullmann! Liv Ullmann!

  Felix Farmer : Liv Ullmann?

  Ben Coogan : I think so.

  Felix Farmer : [respectfully]  Liv - Ullmann.

• Ben Coogan : Come on. I want to fight you!

  Tim Culley : What for? You know I can lick you.

  Ben Coogan : Well, right, that's why.

• Tim Culley : Sally, we'll pick it up where you enter the devil's mouth, okay?

• Officer Phil Buchwald : Hi, Mr. Culley.

  Tim Culley : Gentlemen, come in, come in.

  Officer Phil Buchwald : We, uh, we thought we'd stop by.

  Tim Culley : Good. Nothing like a uniform to keep an orgy organized.

  Officer Phil Buchwald : You're kidding.

  Tim Culley : Oh, bribe you, maybe, but kid you? Never.

  [Cully turns to the party] 

  Tim Culley : Your attention, everyone. Hey! HEY! Officers Buchwald and Sullivan.

  Sam Marshall : Is this a bust?

  Tim Culley : Of course! But you've got six hours to try to talk them out of it.