History of the World: Part I (1981)

Shecky Greene: Marcus Vindictus

Photos 

Quotes 

• Marcus Vindictus : Oh Nympho, I would do anything to gain your favor. How can I catch you? How can ensnare you? What bait must I use to catch your love? I am your servant!

  Empress Nympho : Ah, but the servant waits, while the *master* baits!

• Marcus Vindictus : Don't you know your right flank from your left flank?

  Captain Mucus : I'm sorry sir, I flunked flank.

  Marcus Vindictus : You flunked flank? Get the flunk out of here!

• Marcus Vindictus : ...There he is! Seize him!

  Marcus Vindictus : [grabs crotch]  Seize *this*, honkus!

  Comicus : [confidentially]  *No!* Don't ever say that to the Fuzz!

  Marcus Vindictus : Arrest him!

  [His troops grab Josephus] 

  Marcus Vindictus : Do you know the punishment for a slave who strikes a Roman citizen?

  [Onlookers raise their hands while shouting] 

  Marcus Vindictus : Okay... You had your hand up first.

  1st Onlooker : Death by torture!

  Marcus Vindictus : Be more specific, please.

  1st Onlooker : ...You get drawn and quartered?

  Marcus Vindictus : I don't think that one's been invented yet. Who's got the encyclopedia?

  [a lieutenant brings him a large box marked "World Scroll - 33 A.D. Edition". MV produces a scroll, marked "D", from the box and skims it] 

  Marcus Vindictus : ..."Drawing and Quartering. See Torture." Figures.

  [He returns the scroll and produces another, marked "T", then proceeds to skim that] 

  Marcus Vindictus : ... Ah, here it is - "Drawing and Quartering"... No, that one doesn't come along until the Dark Ages. Good guess, though. How about you?

  2nd Onlooker : Crucifixion!

  Marcus Vindictus : Wrong; that's the penalty for *high treason*. Still, very good guess. Over here?

  3rd Onlooker : They force-feed you a mess of laxatives and then lock you in an airtight room so that you choke to death on your own flatulence!

  Marcus Vindictus : Wow...! Ah, that's not correct, but...

  [taps his lieutenant] 

  Marcus Vindictus : ... Hey, are you writing this down? Who knows, we might have work for this guy. Go on, write it down!

  Roman Lieutenant : [FROM EARLY DRAFT, LATER REVISED] 

  [writing it down] 

  Roman Lieutenant : Hmmm, a *gas chamber*.

  [chuckles] 

  Roman Lieutenant : That'll never catch on.

  Marcus Vindictus : ...How about you?

  4th Onlooker : They send you to the lions!

  Marcus Vindictus : Right!

  Miriam : *No!*

  Marcus Vindictus : What do you mean, no? He was correct; if a slave decks a Roman citizen, the slave is lion-chow!

• Chemist : What are you looking for?

  Marcus Vindictus : A pack of Trojans!

  Chemist : Gee, I just ran out!

• [while Josephus is hiding among the eunuchs, Caladonia dances erotically in front of them to test them] 

  Marcus Vindictus : He's a eunuch.

  Captain Mucus : Mmm-hmm.

  [she moves to another one, dancing harder] 

  Marcus Vindictus : *He's* a eunuch.

  Captain Mucus : Mmm-hmm.

  [she moves to a third one, dancing even harder] 

  Marcus Vindictus : He's *dead!*

  Captain Mucus : Hmm.

• Marcus Vindictus : [lifts sword]  Goodbye, head!

  Comicus : [grabs Marcus's sword arm]  Hello, balls!

  [kicks Marcus in the groin] 

• Marcus Vindictus : Caladonia! Let's make their big head so hard!

• Marcus Vindictus : The rest of you will run with Mucas!

  [all soldiers start muttering 'ewwww'] 

• Marcus Vindictus : Oh, Caesar. I've spread civilization to the farthest reaches of the Empire! I've conquered and subdued the barbaric hordes in the name of Rome! I've penetrated into the farthest...

  Emperor Nero : What's under the sheet?

  Marcus Vindictus : Sheet?

  Emperor Nero : SHEET!

  Marcus Vindictus : Oh! Oh, the sheet! Yes, to begin with, Number One, a beautiful, hand-carved, alabaster...

  [whips off the sheet] 

  Marcus Vindictus : Bathing basin!

  Emperor Nero : Nice. Nice. Not thrilling, but nice.

• Marcus Vindictus : [When a feather on Josephus' fan rises depicting an erection]  The jig is up!

  Josephus : And gone!

• [as Marcus approaches the Emperor's throne in triumph] 

  Court Spokesman : [whispering in his ear]  Remember, thou art mortal! Remember, thou art mortal! Remember, thou art mortal! Remember, thou...

  Marcus Vindictus : [whispering]  Oh, blow it out your ass!

• [Comicus escapes by kicking Marcus in the groin] 

  Captain Mucus : Commander, what happened? Where are they?

  Marcus Vindictus : [high-pitched voice]  Get the horses! Get the chariots! Get the men!

  Captain Mucus : Onward!

  [the soldiers start to run, but Marcus stops him] 

  Marcus Vindictus : Get me an ice pack! Hurry!