History of the World: Part I (1981)
Mel Brooks: Moses, Comicus, Torquemada, Jacques, King Louis XVI
Photos
Quotes
-
Dole Office Clerk : Occupation?
Comicus : Stand-up philosopher.
Dole Office Clerk : What?
Comicus : Stand-up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human experience into a viable and meaningful comprehension.
Dole Office Clerk : Oh, a *bullshit* artist!
Comicus : *Grumble*...
Dole Office Clerk : Did you bullshit last week?
Comicus : No.
Dole Office Clerk : Did you *try* to bullshit last week?
Comicus : Yes!
-
Comicus : Have you heard of this new sect, the Christians? They are a laugh riot! First of all, they are so poor...
Swiftus : How poor are they?
Comicus : Thank you! They are so poor... that they only have *one* God!
[drumbeat, everyone laughs]
Comicus : But we Romans are rich. We've got a lot of gods. We've got a god for everything. The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation... but I hear that's coming quickly.
-
King Louis XVI : It's good to be the king.
-
Count de Monet : Your Majesty, you look like the piss-boy!
King Louis XVI : And you look like a bucket of shit!
-
Jacques : Don't cry, my dear. I may not have been born a king, or lived like a king. But at least I can die like a king!
[He strides to the guillotine with dignity]
Citizen Official : Your Majesty, do you require a blindfold?
Jacques : None!
Citizen Official : Have you any last request?
Jacques : None!
Citizen Official : Test the guillotine!
[Another executioner triggers the guillotine; the blade comes down and chops the head off a wooden dummy]
Jacques : *Holy shit!* Uh, wait! Wait! Last request! I have a last request!
Citizen Official : What is your last request?
Jacques : Novocaine!
[the Official confers with the Executioner]
Citizen Official : There is no such thing known to medical science!
Jacques : I'll wait!
-
King Louis XVI : Knight jumps queen! Bishop jumps queen! Pawns jump queen! *Gangbang*!
-
Count de Monet : It is said that the people are revolting.
King Louis XVI : You said it! They stink on ice!
-
[Condemned for offending Emperor Caesar with his stand-up routine]
Comicus : Boy, when you die at the palace, you really DIE at the palace!
-
[while disguised as King Louis, Jacques agrees to release Mademoiselle Rimbaud's father]
Jacques : [searching the forms in Louis's desk] Execution, Execution, Execution, Execution, Execution... tough guy.
-
Marcus Vindictus : ...There he is! Seize him!
Marcus Vindictus : [grabs crotch] Seize *this*, honkus!
Comicus : [confidentially] *No!* Don't ever say that to the Fuzz!
Marcus Vindictus : Arrest him!
[His troops grab Josephus]
Marcus Vindictus : Do you know the punishment for a slave who strikes a Roman citizen?
[Onlookers raise their hands while shouting]
Marcus Vindictus : Okay... You had your hand up first.
1st Onlooker : Death by torture!
Marcus Vindictus : Be more specific, please.
1st Onlooker : ...You get drawn and quartered?
Marcus Vindictus : I don't think that one's been invented yet. Who's got the encyclopedia?
[a lieutenant brings him a large box marked "World Scroll - 33 A.D. Edition". MV produces a scroll, marked "D", from the box and skims it]
Marcus Vindictus : ..."Drawing and Quartering. See Torture." Figures.
[He returns the scroll and produces another, marked "T", then proceeds to skim that]
Marcus Vindictus : ... Ah, here it is - "Drawing and Quartering"... No, that one doesn't come along until the Dark Ages. Good guess, though. How about you?
2nd Onlooker : Crucifixion!
Marcus Vindictus : Wrong; that's the penalty for *high treason*. Still, very good guess. Over here?
3rd Onlooker : They force-feed you a mess of laxatives and then lock you in an airtight room so that you choke to death on your own flatulence!
Marcus Vindictus : Wow...! Ah, that's not correct, but...
[taps his lieutenant]
Marcus Vindictus : ... Hey, are you writing this down? Who knows, we might have work for this guy. Go on, write it down!
Roman Lieutenant : [FROM EARLY DRAFT, LATER REVISED]
[writing it down]
Roman Lieutenant : Hmmm, a *gas chamber*.
[chuckles]
Roman Lieutenant : That'll never catch on.
Marcus Vindictus : ...How about you?
4th Onlooker : They send you to the lions!
Marcus Vindictus : Right!
Miriam : *No!*
Marcus Vindictus : What do you mean, no? He was correct; if a slave decks a Roman citizen, the slave is lion-chow!
-
Poppinjay : [muffled in to megaphone] Pawn threatens bishop!
King Louis XVI : What the hell did you say?
Poppinjay : [turning to King Louis XVI without removing the megaphone] Pawn threatens bishop!
-
Torquemada : [singing] I asked 'em nicely! I said pretty please! They wouldn't convert, so I'll bang on their knees!
-
Mademoiselle Rimbaud : Your Majesty! I was raised in a convent. I don't indulge in pleasures of the flesh.
King Louis XVI : You don't put out, he don't get out.
Mademoiselle Rimbaud : Your Majesty, I simply don't do it.
King Louis XVI : Come on, you do it. You love to do it. We all do it. You do it...
Mademoiselle Rimbaud : No, I don't!
King Louis XVI : I do it, I love to do it. I just did it and I'm ready to do it again, don't tell me you don't do it!
-
Marcus Vindictus : [lifts sword] Goodbye, head!
Comicus : [grabs Marcus's sword arm] Hello, balls!
[kicks Marcus in the groin]
-
King Louis XVI : [sniffs cocaine into each nostril] Everything's so green.
-
King Louis XVI : Ah, the Count Da Money!
Count de Monet : It's "De Mon... "
King Louis XVI : DON'T correct me!
-
[Rimbaud's father has been thrown in prison for making an offhand remark at a party]
King Louis XVI : What did he say?
Mademoiselle Rimbaud : He said, "The poor ain't so bad."
King Louis XVI : [shocked] "The poor ain't so bad?" Huh, you're lucky he's still alive!
-
Comicus : [as a waiter at The Last Supper] Are you all together or is this separate checks?
-
King Louis XVI : Ah, now there's a naughty bit o' crumpet!
-
Comicus : I'm fighting with cardboard!
