- Dad - Col. William P. Walker: Romania, it's quite a country. It's deep behind the Iron Curtain. It's steeped in the superstition of the Dark Ages. A country wrapped by ignorance and fear. You'll enjoy it.
- Dad - Col. William P. Walker: All right son, we're going to have a little talk. Staying out all night, watching too much television, filthy language. That's all right. But growling - I will not tolerate growling in this house.
- Tony: [canine hair sprouting on his face] Grrrrr!
- Dr. Brand: You expected someone to kiss you ass, didn't ya, big shot? What's so great about taking a step backwards in evolution? I'd like to see a wolf turn into a man! That would be progress.
- Tony: Don't worry about me, folks. Nowadays with inflation it takes at least 8 silver bullets to kill a werewolf.
- Dad - Col. William P. Walker: [preparing to have sex with two Romanian women] Alright, lovelies, let's see what communist infiltration is all about.
- Dad - Col. William P. Walker: I know, son, it hasn't been easy growing up deprived of some of the things that other young boys have.
- Tony: Like what, dad?
- Dad - Col. William P. Walker: Well, like a mother. Didn't you notice? I mean, you do remember mom, don't you?
- Tony: Oh yeah, she was the nice lady that used to come to the beach and the playground when I was real little.
- Dad - Col. William P. Walker: That was the maid.
- Tony: Oh. Oh I remember mom, now. I came into the room once without knocking, and you were both in bed together. You screamed at me to get out.
- Dad - Col. William P. Walker: That was the maid.
- Tony: Oh. What ever happened to that maid, dad?
- Dad - Col. William P. Walker: Oh, she ran off with my handkerchiefs and my ties. I haven't heard from her since.
- Tony: What ever happened to mom?
- Dad - Col. William P. Walker: She ran off with my bank account and stock portfolio. And I haven't heard from *her* since.
- Fortune Teller: You will live forever.
- Tony: Hey, now come on folks, let's not get carried away here, huh?
- Fortune Teller: You will always remain young, never to age.
- Tony: Does that mean I will never be able to order a drink?
- Miss Montgomery: You're new here. I bet you aren't even armed yet.
- Tony: Oh no, I'm just here to register for classes.
- Fortune Teller: Then you will return home to fulfill your destiny.
- Tony: What destiny is that?
- Fortune Teller: I'm sorry, you're out of palm.