"Don't Go Near the Park" is one of the most bizarrely incompetent movies I have ever seen. I've watched it twice now, and still don't really know what it's about. There's something in there about cavemen being cursed to never die but continue to age. The only way the cavemen can stave off this awesome decrepitude is to eat the guts of children. They also hang out in a park, I think, which sort-of-explains the title. (?)
Other than that I can't really make head nor tail of this movie. There are a few scenes where people's guts are ripped open, however unconvincingly. Why do they just do it with their hands? Wouldn't it take incredible strength to rip through the stomach muscles to access the gut?
There is an attempted rape scene where a girl has her shirt ripped open and then makes a van crash.
Also Linnea Quigley shows up in one of her earliest roles. She shows her breast.
There's also a curly-haired kid, whose presence in the movie I didn't understand, and a guy named Cowboy.
Can anything be made of all this?
I'm not the asinine type of film viewer who needs everything to make sense. Some of my favourite movies make no sense and I love them for it. But "Don't Go Near the Park" has another fatal flaw: it's boring.
Other than that I can't really make head nor tail of this movie. There are a few scenes where people's guts are ripped open, however unconvincingly. Why do they just do it with their hands? Wouldn't it take incredible strength to rip through the stomach muscles to access the gut?
There is an attempted rape scene where a girl has her shirt ripped open and then makes a van crash.
Also Linnea Quigley shows up in one of her earliest roles. She shows her breast.
There's also a curly-haired kid, whose presence in the movie I didn't understand, and a guy named Cowboy.
Can anything be made of all this?
I'm not the asinine type of film viewer who needs everything to make sense. Some of my favourite movies make no sense and I love them for it. But "Don't Go Near the Park" has another fatal flaw: it's boring.