You Can't Do That on Television (1979–2004)
Lisa Ruddy: Lisa, Lisa Ruddy, Elderly Lady, Fair Maiden, Wonder Woman
Photos
Quotes
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Mr. Shidler : Now class, as we are going on a field trip, it's most important we know the basics of nature. Can anyone tell me, what are the four natural elements of the universe?
[Lisa raises her hand]
Mr. Shidler : Lisa?
Lisa : Earth.
Mr. Shidler : Right. That's one. Um, Kevin?
Kevin : Uh, air.
Mr. Shidler : That's right. That's two. Uh, Christine?
Christine : Um, fire!
Mr. Shidler : Right. And now, Vanessa. Can you tell me what the fourth element is?
Vanessa : Yeah, but I'm not going to.
Mr. Shidler : Well, Vanessa, either you tell me what the fourth element is, or you tell me you don't know.
Vanessa : Well, either way, I get something dumped on me.
[Gives in]
Vanessa : Okay, water.
[And you know the rest]
Mr. Shidler : Oh, it's moments like these that make teaching worthwhile.
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Lisa : [Sitting on her bed, talking sympathetically to her sleeping bag] Look, there's a lot of worse things you could be, other then a sleeping bag. Like, you could be a pillow, or even a pin cushion.
Alasdair : [Comes in the bedroom and sees her] Uh, Lisa, what are you doing?
Lisa : Well, trying to cheer up this sleeping bag.
Alasdair : Well, why would you want to cheer up the sleeping bag?
Lisa : Well, because my dad says it's a down sleeping bag.
Alasdair : A 'down' sleeping bag, Vanessa?
[Starts to leave]
Alasdair : You need help. A lot of help.
[Leaves the bedroom frantically]
Christine : [Cut to the main set] Down. Boy is that ever bad! You know whoever writes this stuff really needs a holiday.
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Alasdair : There you are.
Lisa : Alasdair what's wrong?
Alasdair : Stephanie took my wallet.
Lisa : How could she do something like that? She's so cute.
Alasdair : Oh yeah.
[Aladsair takes his wallet out of Stephanie's pocket]
Alasdair : Ah-Ha! This proves that Stephanie took my wallet.
Lisa : And my watch? Stephanie!
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Mr. Shidler : [Lisa is yammering on to Christine about something and he's trying to get her attention] Lisa? Lisa?
[Smacks her desk]
Mr. Shidler : Lisa!
Lisa : [Startled] What?
Mr. Shidler : Lisa please, do not talk with your mouth open.
Lisa : Sir, don't you mean "do not talk with your mouth full"?
Mr. Shidler : No, I mean don't talk with your mouth open.
Lisa : But how else am I supposed to talk?
Mr. Shidler : Exactly!
[the rest of the class applauds]
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Mr. Shidler : Attention, can anyone tell me what the three 'B's are?
[Underlines an upper-case B on the blackboard. Brodie raises his hand]
Mr. Shidler : Brodie?
Brodie : The Boss, the Beatles, and the Beach Boys.
Lisa : No. It's Black Sabbath, the Blue Oyster Cult, and the B52s. Yeah.
Justin : No no no. How classless of you two. Everyone knows that the three 'B's are Beethoven, Bach, and Brahms.
Mr. Shidler : Wrong! You're all wrong. The three 'B's are the worker, the drone and the queen 'bee'.
[Draws two small 'e's next to the 'B']
Mr. Shidler : This is a science class. You forgot. you kids have nothing but music on your minds.
[They all start humming, and Mr. Shidler joins in]
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Christine : So tell me Lisa, did you enjoy your trip to the Grand Canyon?
Lisa : Oh I sure did, and Moose the whole time I was there, I couldn't help thinking of you.
Christine : Oh, really? Well that's nice. What made you think of me?
Lisa : Well, you and the Grand Canyon are so very much alike. Shallow and dirty, and most of all, very very wide at the bottom.
[Stomps her feet and giggles]
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Christine : You know Lisa, when you were talking about the Grand Canyon before?
Lisa : Yeah?
Christine : Well, you remind me of the Colorado River. That's the river that runs through the Grand Canyon.
Lisa : Oh, you mean I'm miracle and romantic?
Christine : [laughs] No. You're wet, twisted, loud, and you run on forever.
[laughs and stomps her feet, stepping on Lisa's foot]
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Alasdair : Hay Vanessa?
Vanessa : Yeah Alasdair?
Alasdair : Teddy Roosevelt was a famous sportsman, and Ernest Hemingway was a famous hunter. Can you name a famous camper?
Vanessa : Yeah, my parent's Winnebago.
Lisa : [Pops out of her locker] You know, how can you let Vanessa answer any more of these questions? Her jokes are terrible.
Vanessa : I wouldn't talk, Lisa.
Christine : [Pops out of her locker] That's all she can do.
[Goes back in]
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Christine : Lisa, why are you drinking all that water?
Lisa : Well, remember last year at summer camp?
Christine : Oh, do I? With the hard beds, and the cruel counselors, and all the black flies, and all the mosquito bites we got!
Lisa : Well, right, so mom told me that I can't go if I don't stop wetting the bed. Soooo.
[Christine gets it, grabs a glass, drinks it, then along with Lisa, pours the rest in her bed]
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Valarie : [Lisa and Valerie are standing in the kitchen. To Lisa, holding out her hand] Gloves?
Lisa : [Pulls them out of a lower cupboard and hands them to her] Gloves.
Valarie : [Putting on gloves] Sieve?
Lisa : [Pulls sieve out of same place, and hands it to her] Sieve.
Valarie : Foil?
Lisa : [Pulls out a box of aluminum foil] Foil.
Valarie : Not that foil.
[She puts it down, then pulls out a fencing foil]
Valarie : Ah, foil.
[Takes it in her right hand, while she holds the sieve over her face like a fencing mask]
Alasdair : [Running in] What's for dinner, mom?
Valarie : Swordfish, Alasdair. It'll be ready in just a minute.
[to someone else]
Valarie : All right. En garde!
[Starts swordfighting with an apparent swordfish]
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Christine : Hey Lisa what are you doing?
[Lisa scribbles down on a piece of paper]
Christine : [Reading] I'm waiting to introduce the commercials. I wondered why it was so silent in here?
[Scribbles something down on to a piece of paper]
Christine : [Reads] If I can't introduce the commercials then we don't get paid. Okay whoever wants to hear nothing but silence from Lisa for the rest of the show push the red button. If you want to hear Lisa introduce the commercials so we can get paid the touch the green button. Press NOW!
[Lisa voice hasn't returned. Lisa scribbles something down on a piece of paper]
Christine : [Reads] Try something else. Oh hey. Douggie come here. Whoever wants to see Douggie here get hit by green slime and hear Lisa introduce the commercials so that we can get paid press the green button. Whoever doesn't want see Douggie get hit with green slime and hear Lisa introduce the commercials so we can get paid press the red button. Press NOW!
[Lisa's voice still hasn't returned. Lisa scribbles something down on a piece of paper]
Christine : [Reads] Try something else. Okay. Vanessa come here. Whoever wants to see Vanessa here get hit with water
[Christine gets hit with a bucket of water]
Christine : Press the green button on your screen right now.
[Everyone has said yes. Doug gets hit with green slime, Vanessa gets hit with water, and Lisa gets her voice back]
Lisa : And now it's time for a commercial.
