You Can't Do That on Television (1979–2004)

Christine McGlade: Christine, Moose, Old Lady, Christine 'Moose' McGlade, Christine McGlade, Hallie, Miss Take, Old Woman, Old woman

Photos 

Quotes 

• Christine : As you all know, Vanessa is new to the show and Vanessa, if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask me.

  Vanessa : There is something I wanted to ask you.

  Christine : Sure?

  Vanessa : How do they make that slime they're always dumping on you?

  Christine : First they take some liquid and then they add some jello powder and some flour. Sometimes some soap and they dump it all over me.

  Vanessa : Where do they dump it from?

  Christine : Actually Vanessa, I've always wondered that too, but I just don't know.

  [green slime falls on Christine's head] 

  Vanessa : Interesting. Is it always green like this?

  Christine : Well, yeah it usually is, but I guess it could be red.

  [red slime drops on Christine's head] 

  Christine : Or... it could be blue.

  [blue slime drops on Christine's head] 

  Christine : [getting annoyed]  Or yellow.

  [yellow slime drops on Christine's head] 

  Christine : Yep... Okay, you guys think you're so smart? Let's see stripes.

  [red, yellow, and blue slime falls on Christine's head] 

  Vanessa : Boy, must be tough being a TV star. By the way, how do you get this stuff out?

  Christine : Well, it usually washes out with water.

  [water falls on Christine's head] 

  Christine : Usually.

• Lisa : You know, Christine, I was just thinking...

  Christine : That's odd.

• Christine : [Sees Brodie come in wearing a baseball uniform, and carrying a violin on his shoulder as one would do a baseball bat]  Hey Brodie, what's happening. You going to play baseball?

  Brodie : I was, but my dad cornered me and ordered me to go home and play my violin.

  Christine : Well, that's a drag. What are you going to do now?

  Brodie : Compromise.

  [Throws a ball in the air, then bats it with the violin] 

• Mr. Shidler : Now class, as we are going on a field trip, it's most important we know the basics of nature. Can anyone tell me, what are the four natural elements of the universe?

  [Lisa raises her hand] 

  Mr. Shidler : Lisa?

  Lisa : Earth.

  Mr. Shidler : Right. That's one. Um, Kevin?

  Kevin : Uh, air.

  Mr. Shidler : That's right. That's two. Uh, Christine?

  Christine : Um, fire!

  Mr. Shidler : Right. And now, Vanessa. Can you tell me what the fourth element is?

  Vanessa : Yeah, but I'm not going to.

  Mr. Shidler : Well, Vanessa, either you tell me what the fourth element is, or you tell me you don't know.

  Vanessa : Well, either way, I get something dumped on me.

  [Gives in] 

  Vanessa : Okay, water.

  [And you know the rest] 

  Mr. Shidler : Oh, it's moments like these that make teaching worthwhile.

• Lisa : [Sitting on her bed, talking sympathetically to her sleeping bag]  Look, there's a lot of worse things you could be, other then a sleeping bag. Like, you could be a pillow, or even a pin cushion.

  Alasdair : [Comes in the bedroom and sees her]  Uh, Lisa, what are you doing?

  Lisa : Well, trying to cheer up this sleeping bag.

  Alasdair : Well, why would you want to cheer up the sleeping bag?

  Lisa : Well, because my dad says it's a down sleeping bag.

  Alasdair : A 'down' sleeping bag, Vanessa?

  [Starts to leave] 

  Alasdair : You need help. A lot of help.

  [Leaves the bedroom frantically] 

  Christine : [Cut to the main set]  Down. Boy is that ever bad! You know whoever writes this stuff really needs a holiday.

• Christine : Hey Alasdair?

  Alasdair : Yeah Christine?

  Christine : When you blow your nose, do you use your right or left hand?

  Alasdair : Neither. I use Kleenex.

• Alasdair : [Rings the doorbell. Christine opens the door]  Hi. I'm here.

  Christine : What are you doing here so early? I told you to come after dinner.

  Alasdair : Well, that's what I'm after. Dinner.

  [Walks in past Christine] 

  Alasdair : What are you guys having.

• Christine : Oh, Alanis?

  Alanis : Yes, Christine?

  Christine : I'm having a party for Bruce Springsteen, you wanna come?

  Alanis : Bruce Springsteen! How do you know him?

  Christine : Well, I don't.

  Alanis : Then how can you have a party for him?

  Christine : You just buy some cheesies and soda pop and watch some videos, and voila.

  Alanis : But he won't be there.

  Christine : Well that's his loss, isn't it?

• Kevin : You know, Barth runs a pretty clean place here.

  Alasdair : Clean? You call this place clean? Why even the rats wouldn't be caught dead in here!

  Christine : Yeah, and even if they did they'd end up in the burger mix anyway.

• Christine : [Ross comes onto the main set, playing a ukelele and singing. He gets on one knee near the cast all sitting there watching. Christine interrupts him]  Ross, what are you doing?

  Ross : What do you mean 'what am I doing'? This is a ukelele. I'm telling you, everybody played a uke when I was a kid.

  Christine : Come on, Ross. Get with it man. Today's sounds are electronic. You know, guitar power?

  [the rest of the cast agrees] 

  Ross : Oh, you mean like this?

  [Using the ukelele, he mimes playing an electric guitar for about 10 seconds, while the guitar solo break from Heart's 'Magic Man' is used. When he stops, he shakes his head] 

  Ross : Nope. I don't like it.

  [Gets up and walks off playing the ukelele as he did before and singing] 

• Christine : Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That on Television. Another in a long series of sour notes.

• Christine : So tell me Lisa, did you enjoy your trip to the Grand Canyon?

  Lisa : Oh I sure did, and Moose the whole time I was there, I couldn't help thinking of you.

  Christine : Oh, really? Well that's nice. What made you think of me?

  Lisa : Well, you and the Grand Canyon are so very much alike. Shallow and dirty, and most of all, very very wide at the bottom.

  [Stomps her feet and giggles] 

• Christine : You know Lisa, when you were talking about the Grand Canyon before?

  Lisa : Yeah?

  Christine : Well, you remind me of the Colorado River. That's the river that runs through the Grand Canyon.

  Lisa : Oh, you mean I'm miracle and romantic?

  Christine : [laughs]  No. You're wet, twisted, loud, and you run on forever.

  [laughs and stomps her feet, stepping on Lisa's foot] 

• Alasdair : Hay Vanessa?

  Vanessa : Yeah Alasdair?

  Alasdair : Teddy Roosevelt was a famous sportsman, and Ernest Hemingway was a famous hunter. Can you name a famous camper?

  Vanessa : Yeah, my parent's Winnebago.

  Lisa : [Pops out of her locker]  You know, how can you let Vanessa answer any more of these questions? Her jokes are terrible.

  Vanessa : I wouldn't talk, Lisa.

  Christine : [Pops out of her locker]  That's all she can do.

  [Goes back in] 

• [Christine throws water on Brodie] 

  Brodie : What did you do that for?

  Christine : You said you wanted to be treated equally. Well, this is what happens to me every week... Sometimes twice.

  [Christine throws more water on Brodie] 

  Brodie : Now that is truly not fair.

• Christine : Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first time we've ever had twins on the show, so I'd like to introduce you to them.

  [Pointing to Korbett] 

  Christine : This is Kyle,

  [pointing to Kyle] 

  Christine : and this is Korbett.

  Kyle : No I'm Kyle.

  [Points to Korbett] 

  Kyle : He's Korbett.

  Christine : Oh, I'm sorry. Incidentally, how do people tell you apart?

  Kyle , Korbett : [Together, each pointing to the other]  Easy. He's the ugly one.

  Christine : Jeez, I'm sorry I asked.

• Christine : Hi, and welcome to another episode of You Can't Do That on Television, a show that is quickly becoming a matter of questionable taste.

• Christine : Hi, and welcome to another pailful episode of You Can't Do That on Television, the show that has nothing to fear from infection because it couldn't get any sicker then it already is.

• Christine : Lisa, why are you drinking all that water?

  Lisa : Well, remember last year at summer camp?

  Christine : Oh, do I? With the hard beds, and the cruel counselors, and all the black flies, and all the mosquito bites we got!

  Lisa : Well, right, so mom told me that I can't go if I don't stop wetting the bed. Soooo.

  [Christine gets it, grabs a glass, drinks it, then along with Lisa, pours the rest in her bed] 

• Christine : Hi, and welcome to sort of a... musty episode of You Can't Do That on Television. The show that makes modern history every week by continually appalling its viewers.

• Christine : [Lisa begs and pleads with Christine not to make her loose her voice]  Okay whoever wants to hear absolute silence from Lisa for the rest of the show please press the green button right now!

  [the yes side of the arguement wins and Lisa looses her voice. She holds up a sign that reads "I'll get you for this Moose!"] 

• Christine : Hey Lisa what are you doing?

  [Lisa scribbles down on a piece of paper] 

  Christine : [Reading]  I'm waiting to introduce the commercials. I wondered why it was so silent in here?

  [Scribbles something down on to a piece of paper] 

  Christine : [Reads]  If I can't introduce the commercials then we don't get paid. Okay whoever wants to hear nothing but silence from Lisa for the rest of the show push the red button. If you want to hear Lisa introduce the commercials so we can get paid the touch the green button. Press NOW!

  [Lisa voice hasn't returned. Lisa scribbles something down on a piece of paper] 

  Christine : [Reads]  Try something else. Oh hey. Douggie come here. Whoever wants to see Douggie here get hit by green slime and hear Lisa introduce the commercials so that we can get paid press the green button. Whoever doesn't want see Douggie get hit with green slime and hear Lisa introduce the commercials so we can get paid press the red button. Press NOW!

  [Lisa's voice still hasn't returned. Lisa scribbles something down on a piece of paper] 

  Christine : [Reads]  Try something else. Okay. Vanessa come here. Whoever wants to see Vanessa here get hit with water

  [Christine gets hit with a bucket of water] 

  Christine : Press the green button on your screen right now.

  [Everyone has said yes. Doug gets hit with green slime, Vanessa gets hit with water, and Lisa gets her voice back] 

  Lisa : And now it's time for a commercial.

• Kevin : Hey Christine. Wutta you doing?

  Christine : Kevin? Have you been listening to yourself?

  Kevin : No.

  Christine : Well you should.

  Kevin : It's surfer talk.

  Christine : You're not a surfer. You should learn to use good grammar.

  Kevin : Wutta am I going to do.

  [Kevin groans as a bucket of water is dumped on his head!] 

  Kevin : Oh come on! I said "what are?"? Not water.

  [Kevin groans again] 

  Christine : See how important it is to use good grammar? I used wuttar but now I say what are instead of wuttar.

  [Christine gets a bucket of water dumped on her head] 

  Kevin : Wonderful isn't it?

  Christine : Who made this up? We both got it.

• Eugene : Hey Moose?

  Christine : What?

  Eugene : You know whenever my dad has beer, he never let's me have a glass.

  Christine : Well, I should hope not, Eugene. You're a little too young to drink.

  Eugene : Goes to show you how much you know. He says I'm old enough to take it from the bottle.