You Can't Do That on Television (1979–2004)
Les Lye: Ross Ewich, Lance Prevort, Barth Baggs, Mr. Schidtler, Announcer, El Capitano, Nasti, Blip, Doctor, Snake-Eyes, Principal, Coach, Ross, Various Characters, Camp Counselor, Mr. Shidler, Barth, Dungenor, Latino Captain, Senator Lance Prevert, Snake Eyes, other roles, Camp Councilor, Librarian, Mr. Dime, Mr. Nickleson-Dime, Nasti,Mr. Schidtler, Peter Cockroach, Seth Pool, Vice-Principal, , Announcer, Alien, Almighty Dollar Fairy, Brutus, Capitano, Cholk of Jungle, Cop, Councilor, Counselor, Cowboy, Dentist, Director, Electric Lamp Genie, Elwood Pus, Frankenstein's Monster, German Doctor, Ghost, Guy Fun, Homeowner, Howard Cosell, Jackie, Jean-Paul, Julio, Legs Brokenoff, Les, Lord Osofat, Magician, Monster, Mother Baggs, Mr L. Dime, Mr. Dime, Mr. Schidtler, McSwain, Sen. Prevort, Narrator, Mr. Schidtler, Ross, Mr L. Dime, Head Librarian, Mugger, NY Scout, Narrator, News Reporter, Newscaster, R. Sole, Richard III, Ross; Principal; Lance, Salesman, Santa Claus, Self, Sen. Prevort, Star Trek Captain, Un-fairy Godmother, Uncle Roger, Various roles, Voter Guy, additional characters
Photos
Quotes
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Announcer : [Announcing the preempted show] "Reading Rambo" will not be seen at this time because Rambo can't read.
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[repeated line from the exasperated teacher]
Mr. Shidler : Where does the school board find them, and why do they keep sending them to me?
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[repeated lines]
Executioner : Ready! Aim!
various cast members : Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Stop the execution!
Executioner : What is it this time?
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Valarie : [Valerie and Lance are sitting at the dining room table, Lance drinking a glass of scotch with the bottle next to him] Lance, I really think you're exaggerating. My mother doesn't hate you, dear.
Lance : That's what you think.
Valarie : Well Lance, if she hated you, she wouldn't have brought you that lovely bottle of scotch back from her trip to Inverness.
Lance : Oh I admit that the bottle of scotch was very nice. I admit that, but it's what she brought Alasdair that proves she hates me!
Valarie : [At that, Alasdar comes into the room playing a set of bagpipes badly, then grabs Lance's glass of scotch and leaves] You know, you may have a point there, dear.
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Mr. Shidler : [Everyone in class is playing an instrument badly] Hold it. Cut. CUT!
[They stop]
Mr. Shidler : You know, sometimes, I wish I were like Beethoven.
Brodie : Is that so you can write beautiful music for us to play?
Mr. Shidler : No! Beethoven was deaf.
Brodie : Well I think that can be arrainged, sir.
[They all start playing badly again, this time louder]
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Mr. Shidler : Now class, as we are going on a field trip, it's most important we know the basics of nature. Can anyone tell me, what are the four natural elements of the universe?
[Lisa raises her hand]
Mr. Shidler : Lisa?
Lisa : Earth.
Mr. Shidler : Right. That's one. Um, Kevin?
Kevin : Uh, air.
Mr. Shidler : That's right. That's two. Uh, Christine?
Christine : Um, fire!
Mr. Shidler : Right. And now, Vanessa. Can you tell me what the fourth element is?
Vanessa : Yeah, but I'm not going to.
Mr. Shidler : Well, Vanessa, either you tell me what the fourth element is, or you tell me you don't know.
Vanessa : Well, either way, I get something dumped on me.
[Gives in]
Vanessa : Okay, water.
[And you know the rest]
Mr. Shidler : Oh, it's moments like these that make teaching worthwhile.
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Blip : [Vanessa enters the arcade with a large bear claw around her neck on a string. Blip stops her] Hold it kid.
[Indicating the bear claw]
Blip : What is this?
Vanessa : It's my lucky bears foot. My dad got it for me on a hunting trip. It helps me win video games.
Blip : Helps you win video games, eh? I'm soory kid, but you cannot come in here with that.
Vanessa : Why not?
Blip : Can't you read the sign?
[Points to it]
Blip : No 'bare' feet in the arcade.
[Points towards the exit, and she leaves dejectedly]
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Stephanie : Snake Eyes, when are you going to retire?
Snake Eyes : Retire? Oh Stephanie, I ain't never gonna retire I'm gonna die at the wheel!
Stephanie : But how can you be so sure of that?
Snake Eyes : 'Cause we're gonna die right now - I'm drivin' off that cliff!
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Martin : Dad?
Senator Lance Prevert : What?
Martin : Would you write a note to my teacher explaining that our TV set is busted?
Senator Lance Prevert : What? Our TV set isn't busted. Now, shut up Martin. I'm trying to watch the fight here.
Martin : Dad, if our TV set isn't busted then I have to write a homework assignment about the opera that just started on PBS.
Senator Lance Prevert : [takes out a note pad] What's your teacher's name?
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Mr. Shidler : Hmm? Well, isn't this a coincidence. Yeah all of you kids come from homes where the TV is busted.
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[repeated line]
Barth : Dddyyyaaaaiiiii heard that!
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Mr. Shidler : [Lisa is yammering on to Christine about something and he's trying to get her attention] Lisa? Lisa?
[Smacks her desk]
Mr. Shidler : Lisa!
Lisa : [Startled] What?
Mr. Shidler : Lisa please, do not talk with your mouth open.
Lisa : Sir, don't you mean "do not talk with your mouth full"?
Mr. Shidler : No, I mean don't talk with your mouth open.
Lisa : But how else am I supposed to talk?
Mr. Shidler : Exactly!
[the rest of the class applauds]
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Coach : [Corey pitches a bologna sandwich to Alasdair, who hits it with his baseball bat. The coach walks in blowing his whistle] All right. How many times do I have to tell you kids, don't play with your food.
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Christine : [Ross comes onto the main set, playing a ukelele and singing. He gets on one knee near the cast all sitting there watching. Christine interrupts him] Ross, what are you doing?
Ross : What do you mean 'what am I doing'? This is a ukelele. I'm telling you, everybody played a uke when I was a kid.
Christine : Come on, Ross. Get with it man. Today's sounds are electronic. You know, guitar power?
[the rest of the cast agrees]
Ross : Oh, you mean like this?
[Using the ukelele, he mimes playing an electric guitar for about 10 seconds, while the guitar solo break from Heart's 'Magic Man' is used. When he stops, he shakes his head]
Ross : Nope. I don't like it.
[Gets up and walks off playing the ukelele as he did before and singing]
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Mr. Shidler : [Catches Brodie trying to sneak into class] You're late again. Thought you could sneak past me, Osome?
Brodie : No sir.
Mr. Shidler : Listen. do you have a note from your father?
Brodie : Yeah.
[singing loudly]
Brodie : MMMMIIIIII!
Mr. Shidler : [Clearing out his ear] Whoo. You got me that time, kid. You're lucky your father is an operatic star.
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Mr. Shidler : Attention, can anyone tell me what the three 'B's are?
[Underlines an upper-case B on the blackboard. Brodie raises his hand]
Mr. Shidler : Brodie?
Brodie : The Boss, the Beatles, and the Beach Boys.
Lisa : No. It's Black Sabbath, the Blue Oyster Cult, and the B52s. Yeah.
Justin : No no no. How classless of you two. Everyone knows that the three 'B's are Beethoven, Bach, and Brahms.
Mr. Shidler : Wrong! You're all wrong. The three 'B's are the worker, the drone and the queen 'bee'.
[Draws two small 'e's next to the 'B']
Mr. Shidler : This is a science class. You forgot. you kids have nothing but music on your minds.
[They all start humming, and Mr. Shidler joins in]
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Announcer : [announcing the show that's been pre-empted] The A-Team makes one cup of coffee last five hours will not be seen at this time so that we may bring you a show for people with lots of time on their hands and nothing better to do.
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Dungeon Guard : All right Kubusheskie tell me... How long are you going to keep me chained up in here?
Kevin : 10 years or maybe 20. Who knows?
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Brodie : Dad! Did you tell Christine that she could take the car out?
Senator Lance Prevert : Yes, why?
Brodie : But Christine can't drive. She's a girl! In fact, just now she...
Senator Lance Prevert : I don't want to hear it! Christine has every right to take out the car as you boys do.
Brodie : Okay, I guess that's fair. It's just... next time, tell her that she should open the garage door first.
Senator Lance Prevert : I will.
[Brodie exits as Senator Prevert continues watching TV until his eyes open wide]
Senator Lance Prevert : What?
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[repeated line]
Executioner : That is one sneaky kid.
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Adam : Hey Ross. Whats with the flag?
Ross : Well you know what kids? I've just decided that communism ain't so bad after all.
Alanis : And you made us wear these tacky helmets and then you become a communist.
Adam : Now cool it comrade,this is just the introductsky
Adam , Ross , Alanis , Stephanie , Chris , Matthew : to the oppositesovich.
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Adam : What is it Ross? Is it the Russians?
Ross : No! It's a yellow bellied sap sucker you idiot. Of course it's the Russians. Here they come.
[the 1812 Oveture plays as each person is hit in the face with a cream pie]
Russian : See you later capitalistic kidskis.
Stephanie : Ross you made us go through all of that and all they did was thow pies in our faces?
Adam : Good one Ross.
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James : Ross what are you doing?
Ross : I thought it might be a good idea to get some bigger kids in here.
James : But Ross if you have bigger kids on the show you won't be able to bully them or steal their money.
Ross : Hey I didn't steal money from kids I borrowed it.
Vanessa : I'd like to see back all of that money you "borrowed" from me.
Ross : Well I guess that all just water under the bridge.
Vanessa : [after a bucket of water is dropped on her head] What was that for? Ross was the one who said water not me.
Ross : Well Vanessa it seems that was one of the things that you owe us.
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Announcer : You Can't Do That On Television is a blood is thicker than water production... OH NO! NO!
[Water gets dumped on the announcer's head]
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[repeated line, whenever the Mom agrees with any criticism of the Dad]
Lance : Don't encourage your mother!
