You Can't Do That on Television (1979–2004)

Abby Hagyard: Valerie Prevort, Librarian, All adult female characters, Various characters, Nurse, Valerie Prevort, Librarian, Clown, Elan, Galatina, Grandma, Aunt Pookie, Health Nut, Librarian Teacher, Mother Nature, Piano Teacher, Southern Woman, Spirit Operator, Valeria Prevort, Cleaning Woman, Madge, Valerie Prevort, Mother Claus, Valerie Prevort, Mother-In-Law, Valorie

Photos 

Quotes 

• Valarie : [Valerie and Lance are sitting at the dining room table, Lance drinking a glass of scotch with the bottle next to him]  Lance, I really think you're exaggerating. My mother doesn't hate you, dear.

  Lance : That's what you think.

  Valarie : Well Lance, if she hated you, she wouldn't have brought you that lovely bottle of scotch back from her trip to Inverness.

  Lance : Oh I admit that the bottle of scotch was very nice. I admit that, but it's what she brought Alasdair that proves she hates me!

  Valarie : [At that, Alasdar comes into the room playing a set of bagpipes badly, then grabs Lance's glass of scotch and leaves]  You know, you may have a point there, dear.

• Mother Nature : [Alasdair and Vanessa are dragging a piece of carpet through the woods] 

  [Yelling at them] 

  Mother Nature : Will you kids stop dragging that clean carpet through my muddy forest?

  Alasdair and Vanessa : [Together]  Aww, but Mother Nature?

  Mother Nature : [Still yelling]  And don't talk with your mouths empty!

  Alasdair and Vanessa : [Together]  We're sorry.

  Mother Nature : [Still yelling]  And stop being so polite!

  [Alsadair kicks her in the shin] 

  Mother Nature : [Smiling, speaking pleasently]  That's very good.

• Doug : Mom, it's not fair. You love Lisa the best.

  Valerie : That's not true, Dougie, I love Alasdair the best and then Lisa, you are seventh.

  Doug : But mom, there are only four kids in this family...

  Valerie : Yes, Dougie, but I love the Neighbors' kids more than I love you.

  Doug : But the neighbors only have two kids...

  Valerie : Yes, Dougie, but I love their cat more than I love you.

• Valerie : Vanessa, don't feed the cat under the table. Feed him on top of the table, instead!

• [repeated lines] 

  Valarie : He has a point.

  Lance : Don't encourage him!

• Valarie : Chris you were our first born, then you Jill, you were our second born and Christian, you were our first.

  Christian : Really?

  Valarie : Yes! Our first BIG mistake.

• Valarie : [Lisa and Valerie are standing in the kitchen. To Lisa, holding out her hand]  Gloves?

  Lisa : [Pulls them out of a lower cupboard and hands them to her]  Gloves.

  Valarie : [Putting on gloves]  Sieve?

  Lisa : [Pulls sieve out of same place, and hands it to her]  Sieve.

  Valarie : Foil?

  Lisa : [Pulls out a box of aluminum foil]  Foil.

  Valarie : Not that foil.

  [She puts it down, then pulls out a fencing foil] 

  Valarie : Ah, foil.

  [Takes it in her right hand, while she holds the sieve over her face like a fencing mask] 

  Alasdair : [Running in]  What's for dinner, mom?

  Valarie : Swordfish, Alasdair. It'll be ready in just a minute.

  [to someone else] 

  Valarie : All right. En garde!

  [Starts swordfighting with an apparent swordfish]