You Can't Do That on Television (1979–2004)

Alasdair Gillis: Alasdair Gillis, Alasdair, Cousin Darwin

Photos 

Quotes 

• Kevin : Hey Alasdair

  Alasdair : Yes Kevin?

  Kevin : Where do you go to pick up girls?

  Alasdair : The skating rink

  Kevin : Why the skating rink?

  Alasdair : Because that's where they usually fall down

• Lisa : [Sitting on her bed, talking sympathetically to her sleeping bag]  Look, there's a lot of worse things you could be, other then a sleeping bag. Like, you could be a pillow, or even a pin cushion.

  Alasdair : [Comes in the bedroom and sees her]  Uh, Lisa, what are you doing?

  Lisa : Well, trying to cheer up this sleeping bag.

  Alasdair : Well, why would you want to cheer up the sleeping bag?

  Lisa : Well, because my dad says it's a down sleeping bag.

  Alasdair : A 'down' sleeping bag, Vanessa?

  [Starts to leave] 

  Alasdair : You need help. A lot of help.

  [Leaves the bedroom frantically] 

  Christine : [Cut to the main set]  Down. Boy is that ever bad! You know whoever writes this stuff really needs a holiday.

• Alasdair : There you are.

  Lisa : Alasdair what's wrong?

  Alasdair : Stephanie took my wallet.

  Lisa : How could she do something like that? She's so cute.

  Alasdair : Oh yeah.

  [Aladsair takes his wallet out of Stephanie's pocket] 

  Alasdair : Ah-Ha! This proves that Stephanie took my wallet.

  Lisa : And my watch? Stephanie!

• Blip : Hold it! No food in the arcade.

  Alasdair : Blip, this isn't food. It's a Barth Burger.

  Blip : No pets either.

  Barth : Duh, I heard that.

• Christine : Hey Alasdair?

  Alasdair : Yeah Christine?

  Christine : When you blow your nose, do you use your right or left hand?

  Alasdair : Neither. I use Kleenex.

• Alasdair : [Rings the doorbell. Christine opens the door]  Hi. I'm here.

  Christine : What are you doing here so early? I told you to come after dinner.

  Alasdair : Well, that's what I'm after. Dinner.

  [Walks in past Christine] 

  Alasdair : What are you guys having.

• Alasdair : Alanis... I...

  Alanis : Yes, Alasdair?

  Alasdair : [voice cracking]  Alanis... I...

  Alanis : YES, Alasdair?

  Alasdair : Alanis... If... if you won't go with me to the network party, I'm just going to have to kill myself, that's all.

  Alanis : Oh, Alasdair. How touching. I really want to help you. Okay.

  Alasdair : You'll come?

  Alanis : No, I'll go.

  Alasdair : You'll go? Great!

  Alanis : I'll go and get my father's gun.

• Kevin : You know, Barth runs a pretty clean place here.

  Alasdair : Clean? You call this place clean? Why even the rats wouldn't be caught dead in here!

  Christine : Yeah, and even if they did they'd end up in the burger mix anyway.

• Alasdair : Hay Vanessa?

  Vanessa : Yeah Alasdair?

  Alasdair : Teddy Roosevelt was a famous sportsman, and Ernest Hemingway was a famous hunter. Can you name a famous camper?

  Vanessa : Yeah, my parent's Winnebago.

  Lisa : [Pops out of her locker]  You know, how can you let Vanessa answer any more of these questions? Her jokes are terrible.

  Vanessa : I wouldn't talk, Lisa.

  Christine : [Pops out of her locker]  That's all she can do.

  [Goes back in] 

• Valarie : [Lisa and Valerie are standing in the kitchen. To Lisa, holding out her hand]  Gloves?

  Lisa : [Pulls them out of a lower cupboard and hands them to her]  Gloves.

  Valarie : [Putting on gloves]  Sieve?

  Lisa : [Pulls sieve out of same place, and hands it to her]  Sieve.

  Valarie : Foil?

  Lisa : [Pulls out a box of aluminum foil]  Foil.

  Valarie : Not that foil.

  [She puts it down, then pulls out a fencing foil] 

  Valarie : Ah, foil.

  [Takes it in her right hand, while she holds the sieve over her face like a fencing mask] 

  Alasdair : [Running in]  What's for dinner, mom?

  Valarie : Swordfish, Alasdair. It'll be ready in just a minute.

  [to someone else] 

  Valarie : All right. En garde!

  [Starts swordfighting with an apparent swordfish] 

• Rekha : Hey Vanessa.

  Vanessa : Yes Rekha?

  Rekha : Is stupidity contagious?

  Vanessa : No. Why who do you think you're going to get it from?

  Rekha : Boys.

  Vanessa : I wouldn't worry about that. It only affects the male of the species.

  Doug , Jody , Alasdair : Sexist!