The Sunshine Boys (I) (1975)
Richard Benjamin: Ben Clark
Photos
Quotes
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Ben Clark : I'm getting chest pains. You give me chest pains!
Willy Clark : It's my fault you get excited?
Ben Clark : Yes! I only get chest pains on Wednesdays!
Willy Clark : So come Tuesdays.
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Ben Clark : You're not supposed to eat pickles. It's high sodium.
Willy Clark : I spit out the sodium.
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Ben Clark : How do you do, Mr. Lewis. I'm Ben Clark, Willy's nephew.
Al Lewis : [shaking hands] Oh?... oh! Willy's nephew Ben. Sure, hello. How are you?
Ben Clark : Fine, sir.
Al Lewis : Good, good. You're Willy's nephew Ben. How are you?
Ben Clark : Fine, sir, very good. It was nice of you to see me.
Al Lewis : Really? When was that?
Ben Clark : [after a pause] Today...
[laughing nervously]
Ben Clark : Heh, heh, it was nice of you to see me today.
Al Lewis : Certainly. Today is fine. As a matter of fact, I was expecting you today.
Mrs. Doris Green, Al's Daughter : Please sit down, Mr. Clark.
Al Lewis : Why doesn't he sit down?
Ben Clark : [sitting down] Thank you very much.
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Ben Clark : Do you have any idea what time it is?
Willy Clark : What time it is.
[Looking at a clock]
Willy Clark : 10:15.
Ben Clark : 10:15? Try five after two.
Willy Clark : Why should I try five after two when it's 10:15?
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Ben Clark : Then why won't you work with him again for one night?
Willy Clark : Because of artistic differences.
Ben Clark : What artistic differences?
Willy Clark : I hate the son of a bitch, that's what artistic differences.
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Ben Clark : Will you let me finish?
Willy Clark : You're finished. It's no.
Ben Clark : Can't we discuss it?
Willy Clark : We've discussed it. I'm busy.
Ben Clark : Doing what?
Willy Clark : Not discussing it.
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Ben Clark : Shut up!
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Ben Clark : It's a very happy moment for me.
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Ben Clark : Crazy freakin' old man!
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Willy Clark : I'm in this business 57 years, you learn a few things. You know what makes an audience laugh. You know which words are funny and which words are not funny?
Ben Clark : You told me a 100 times, Uncle Willy...
Willy Clark : Which words are funny?
Ben Clark : Words with a "K" in it are funny. I have to get to the office.
Willy Clark : Words with a "K" in it are funny. You didn't know that, did you? I'll tell you which words always get a laugh.
Ben Clark : Okay, Alka Seltzer.
Willy Clark : Alka Seltzer's funny.
Ben Clark : Chicken.
Willy Clark : Chicken is funny.
Ben Clark : Pickle.
Willy Clark : Pickle is funny. All with a "K". "L's" are not funny. "M's" are not funny.
Ben Clark : Just "K's". I know.
Willy Clark : Cupcake is funny. Tomatoes is not funny. Lettuce is not funny.
Ben Clark : You've explained that to me since I was five. Look, I've got to get back to the office.
Willy Clark : Cucumbers is funny.
Ben Clark : It's getting cold out. Let me give you money. I want you to take a cab.
Willy Clark : Cab is funny!
Ben Clark : Are you listening to me?
Willy Clark : Cockroach is funny. Not if get 'em, only if you say 'em.
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Willy Clark : Hey, a little respect.
Ben Clark : How about some respect for me? I'm a human being too.
Willy Clark : We'll see. You're young. You got time yet.
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Ben Clark : ABC said to me that "The History of Comedy" would not be complete unless they included one of the greatest teams to *ever* come out of Vaudeville: Lewis and Clark, The Sunshine Boys!
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Willy Clark : You know a new musical went into rehearsal today and I didn't get an audition! Why didn't I get an audition?
Ben Clark : Because the show is all black and you're not black.
Willy Clark : I did black in 1928 and when I did black, you understood the words, not like today.
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Willy Clark : Come on, I'll buy you lunch.
Ben Clark : I had lunch.
Willy Clark : Maybe you ate, but you didn't have lunch. In here, you have lunch.
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Ben Clark : You mean he would just stand there and spit in your face?
Willy Clark : What do you think? He's stupid? He would work it into the act. He would stand with his nose under my nose and he would purposely say words that only began with a "T". *T*oosie roll. *T*inker toy. *T*yping on the *t*ypewriter.
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Ben Clark : A brown suit?
Al Lewis : A brown suit.
Ben Clark : Is that all?
Al Lewis : That's all. And a blonde.
Ben Clark : You mean a woman?
Al Lewis : You know a blond nurse that's a man? Big. As big as you can find. With a big chest. A 40, a 45. And a nice bottom.
Ben Clark : You - you mean a - a sexy girl with a full round rear end.
Al Lewis : Like this.
[holds his hands out]
Al Lewis : This is too small.
[holds hands closer together]
Al Lewis : And this is too big.
[holds hands far apart]
Al Lewis : Like this.
[brings hands back to their original position]
Al Lewis : Is perfect.
Ben Clark : I know what you mean.
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Ben Clark : Al Lewis wants to come up and see you.
Willy Clark : Ben, if you wanted to kill me, you could have brought the cigars.
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Ben Clark : Just tell me what's wrong with Al Lewis. He seemed nice enough when I met him.
Willy Clark : Did you ever meet him?
Ben Clark : I just said I did. I was 13 years old. It was backstage at some benefit, I forget the theater. He was *very* sweet to me.
Willy Clark : Maybe he thought you were a midget. He loved midgets. But people he hated.
