User Reviews

Agreeable but average slice of the Wild West , it deals with two bandoleros who run into trouble with their cavalry counterparts . Dean Martin wants to do 'something big . When he needs a Gatling gun to accomplish this, he seeks out a black marketeer (Albert Salmi) . The price he wants for the gun? A woman! . So Baker (Dean Martin) along with his colleague (Don Knight) abduct a woman (Honor Blackman) off of the stagecoach, only to find that she is the spouse of the commandant (Brian Keith) of the local Cavalry detachment .Things get further complicated when a girl named Dover McBride (Carol White) goes West as he promised to do four years earlier. Sooner or later, Baker will find the right girl. And when he does, he'll swap her for a machine gun. And do something big.Everybody wants to do something big once in his life. It's just that most people don't have to hold up a stagecoach, steal a girl, and swap her for a gun to do it.Baker has the biggest, fastest, gun in the West. See him use it on anything that moves!

A spirited spoof Western with noisy action , shootouts , Indian attacks and humor . The plot is plain and simple , a likeable rogue Bandido kidnaps the wife of a cavalry commander in order to exchange her for a Gatling gun that's being sold by a gun runner . This swinging Western contains some inspired patches of dialogue provided by Western expert writer James Lee Barrett . A gruesome symptom of the death of Western was the ¨Comedy Western¨ sub-genre , a confused , ironical , messy trendy that flourished briefly in the late 60s and early 70s . Occassionaly this sub-genre produced the odd bizarre gem , notably ¨Cat Ballou¨ by Elliott Silversein , ¨Alelujah¨ by John Sturges , ¨There was a crooked man¨ by Joseph L. Mankiewicz , ¨Texas across the river¨ by Michael Gordon , ¨The Good Guys and the Bad Guys¨ by Burt Kennedy , but this was one of the less honorable efforts . Here Dean Martin plays an outlaw in town to give his retiring adversary , Cavalry Colonel Brian Keith , a last , leadenly ironic run for his money . Dean Martin's lazy charm makes him a sympathetic rogue . Martin starred various film for the famous ¨Rat Pack¨, but he also performed various Westerns , such as : Showdown , Five card stud , Bandolero , Round night in Jericho , Texas across the river , Sons of Katie Elder , 4 for Texas and the best : Rio Bravo . There's even room for two English actresses such as the then-trendy starlet Honor Blackman of Goldfinger and Carol White as the beautiful girl who shows up and has come to force Baker to marry her and return east . Typically for the genre, a few known support actors appear , they are around to add incongruity as well as some richly comic lines to deliver , such as : Don Knight , Ben Johnson , Albert Salmi , Merlin Olsen , Robert Donner , Joyce Van Patten , Denver Pyle , Judi Meredith ,David Huddleston , Edward Faulkner , Paul Fix , David Huddleston , Bob Steele and Harry Carey Jr. Some of them are character actors from the world of McLaglen's mentor , John Ford .

It contains a catching and attractive musical score by Marvin Hamlisch . Atmospheric and evocative cinematography in Technicolor and color de Luxe by Harry Stradling J.R , Burt Kennedy's regular . This stirring tale of man bandoleros was professionally directed by Andrew McLagen , , though in fits and starts . He was the son of Ford's stock company stalwart, Victor McLagen. He was born in London but grew up around Hollywood, where his father often took him on movie sets. He learned the art of directing from greats like John Ford, who eventually gave him a job as assistant director on The Quiet man (1952). He holds the distinction of directing the most episodes of Gunsmoke (1955) and of Have gun Will travel (1957) . Being one of the few directors to have directed both Clint Eastwood and John Wayne , including Undefeated (1969) and Chisum (1970). He was a prolific craftsman who made all kinds of genres , such as : Wartime : Dirty dozen next mission, Sea wolves, Breakthrough, Wild geese, The Devil's brigade . Action adventure genre : Sahara , Ffolkes , Mitchell, On wings of eagles . And Western : Shenandoah, The way west , The rare breed, Bandolero, The last hard men , The Blue and the Gray and The shadow riders again with Katharine Ross. The flick will appeal to Dean Martin fans. Ratinf : 5.5/10 . Passable and acceptable . Well worth watching.

Outlaw Joe Baker (Dean Martin) wants to do something momentous in his life. To further this end, he agrees to acquire a Gatling gun from a fellow outlaw, Johnny Cobb (Albert Salmi), in exchange for any woman Joe can find. (Johnny is starved for female companionship.) Johnny starts "holding up" stagecoaches, looking for women, and one day he snatches Mary Anna Morgan (Honor "Pussy Galore" Blackman). The catch is that she turns out to be the never before seen wife of Joes' longtime nemesis, Cavalry colonel Morgan (Brian Keith).

Amiable Western comedy never really does deliver "something big" itself, but it's easy enough to take for an hour and 49 minutes. The script by James Lee Barrett isn't really that funny, or that witty, but it does have its moments. Director Andrew V. McLaglen has some fun with the material, as does the well chosen cast, who provide the main reason to watch this romp. Critics have excoriated it over the years, but in truth it's not all that tasteless. By and large, the people who perish are lowlife bad guys, and the violence is never particularly gory. Everything is gorgeously photographed by Harry Stradling Jr. The music score by Marvin Hamlish is so ridiculously peppy that it's quite amusing.

Dino is good in the lead, and Keith is a solid straight man in the face of some real buffoonery from the people around him. Lovely ladies Blackman, and Carol White as Joes' would-be fiancée Dover, add to the attractiveness of the scenery. Lots of familiar faces fill out the supporting cast: Ben Johnson, Don Knight, Joyce Van Patten, Denver Pyle, football star Merlin Olsen, Robert Donner, Harry Carey Jr., Judi Meredith, Edward Faulkner, Paul Fix, David Huddleston, and Bob Steele. There's also an endearing canine co-star for Dino who rides in a pouch strapped to his horse.

"Something Big" offers nothing special, but it's reasonably entertaining for the duration.

Six out of 10.

Dino must have had fun making this one; lots of great familiar faces in there with him: Brian Keith as the gruff cavalry colonel, Honor Blackman (Bond girl 'Pussy Galore') as the colonel's classy tough-girl wife, Ben Johnson as the laconic cavalry scout, Albert Salmi at his brutish best, Merlin Olsen, Harry Carey Jr., Denver Pyle... and Joyce Van Patten as one of two hilarious man-hungry sisters. It's definitely dated --the 'Indians' especially are pretty embarrassing seen today--, but taken in a light-hearted spirit it's a pretty good ride. I'm sure this is preaching to the choir for those who have fond memories of watching it years ago.

The Marvin Hamlisch score is meant to give it a stylish air, a la Butch and Sundance (we can each judge if we think this succeeds), and Burt Bacharach confected a title song that will either make you smile or cringe, according to your taste. The rating was 'GP', and aside from plenty of casual murder it's not apt to shock too many viewers. The theme of abducting a woman to trade to a sex-starved lowlife (Salmi) for a Gatling gun in order to pillage a Mexican bandido's treasure trove is made to seem somehow sensible, though when the first potential abductee appears and is an amiable and attractive floozy, one is baffled that outlaw Baker (Dino) and his Scottish sidekick (brother of Baker's prissy fiancee) reject her as unsuitable. Well, the plot needed more complications...

Dino's character is supposedly a staid Easterner having a wild fling out West and accomplishing Something Big before settling down to permanent respectability, but come on-- Dino as a staid Easterner?? And we never see any real sign of Mr. Baker's staid side anyway, except in favoring a lady over a floozy (to do a floozy's job). Well, realism isn't the point here, so you might as well just put your brain in neutral and go along with it in the spirit in which it was presented.

"Something Big" has always gotten a bad wrap from critics, but I have to disagree with them on this one.

This flick is good, fun, western escapism at it's non political correctness best. Just two years later Mel Brooks was hailed for a much raunchier "Blazing Saddles", but for some reason "Something Big" was deemed way over the top in 1971.

Sad, since by this point, after his "Airport" success, Dean was at the tail end of a hectic 25-year film making career. One senses that as Dean prepares to end his outlaw ways in the film, he was saying goodbye to the movie... after a continuous run of at least one film per year since 1949. Indeed, other than the Cannonball Run nonsense in the 80s, Dean would do only two more films... 1973's "Showdown" with Rock Hudson (a good one!) and 1975's crime drama "Mr. Ricco" (a MUST SEE for Dean fans).

Anyway... onto "Something Big". Dean is on his last legs as an outlaw and wants to pull one more "big" event. This one involves getting a gattling gun, trying to get Albert Salmi a wife, putting some Mexican banditos on ice and ... ah, well, it's kind of a rollicking mish mash, but it's a lot of fun on the way!

Dean is really in his element and shines as the anti-hero. Brian Keith is a hoot as a stiff calvary officer and other great supporting cast members like the great Ben Johnson and the above mentioned Albert Salmi make this one a must see. Like Dean's television show of the time, this flick doesn't take itself too seriously, but you know, deep down, the bad guys really aren't too bad and work with their own sort of code of honor. Speaking of honor, Honor Blackmun is good here too.

Other Dean Martin westerns I'd recommend are Rio Bravo, Rough Night in Jericho and especially Showdown. He did others, but The Sons of Katie Elder and Five Card Stud weren't up to par in my opinion-although they are watchable. Only Four For Texas is truly bad.

Too bad this isn't available on video or DVD. The Dean Martin catalog is seriously under represented in video and DVD and I hope that is rectified sometime soon.

Enjoy "Something Big" for what it is... a bit randier version of "Support Your Local Sheriff" type of thing, with a pretty good cast of A list players, good locations and cinematography and a funny script. The deep blue arid skies and dusty locales are truly beautiful and may have been filmed near the Superstition Mts. in Arizona where I once lived, so the movie has a special place in my heart. The best thing I can say about this film is that it made me want to be one of the characters in it, looking for an adventure and finding it in the old west. No cares, no responsibilities, just a desire, once in life to do something really, really big!

Sorry markspangler1, but the location wasn't the Superstition Mountains of Arizona, it was filmed just outside Durango, Mexico where lots of western films have been made. Beautiful scenery, mountains and plains, deep blue skies unmarked by jet contrails or fences. Through a chance meeting with Hal Needham, Stunt Coordinator and stunt double for Dean Martin, I was invited on the set during filming. I've always wondered at why it wasn't a more popular film. Great actors, great director in big Andrew McLaglen (the man is BIG!) great scenery and cinematography. My biggest regret was not being on the set when Ben Johnson was on location. Just missed him. He was always one of my favorite actors. Authentic, unpretentious and believable in all his roles. Dean is funny and the dog a real trooper. See this movie if you can.

Good clean fun with Brian Keith and Dean Martin. Who could ask for more than that? A well-written story line and a musical backdrop that sounds like "Love American Style". With an on-site western camera shoot and good cinematography, it's campy and funny, and thoroughly enjoyable. It is what it is.

Something Big is directed by Andrew V. McLagen and written by James Lee Barrett. It stars Dean Martin, Brian Keith, Carol White, Honor Blackman, Albert Salmi and Ben Johnson. Music is by Marvin Hamlisch (title song by Burt Bacharach) and cinematography by Harry Stradling Junior.

Dull as dishwater, Something Big is the very definition of a star vehicle where the star sleepwalks for the paycheck. The plot for what it's worth has Martin as Joe Baker, an ageing bandit wanting to do something big before retirement. He strikes a deal with Jonny Cobb (Salmi), to exchange a Gatling Gun for a woman, you see Cobb just wants to get laid, apparently. With Joe's fiancée on her way to the Territory to make an honest man of him, and Colonel Morgan (Keith) determined to stop Joe achieving his criminal ambition before he himself retires, Joe has it all to do to do that something big.

What follows in the one hour and forty five minute run time is, well, nothing of any note. There are a whole raft of characters in the mix, and a dog, but they never serve any purpose other than being dressage or to deliver some unfunny dialogue. The intention is to make Martin's lovable scallywag the axis for some mature daft shenanigans, building to the "big" finale before everyone settles down in the sun and shouts hooray! But Martin isn't interested, and McLaglen isn't clever enough to knit all the loose ends together. While the "big" finale consists of a five minute boring shoot-out that is essentially just Martin going around in a circle firing the Gatling Gun at bad guys we have not met, seen or had time to be intrigued about.

Some nice costumes, cleavage and Technicolor photography stop it from total damnation, but this is only recommended to easy going Western fans who simply have no other genre choices to pick from in their nuclear fall out shelter. 3/10

I think the only thing that prevents Something Big from being a classic comic western is the awful let down at the end when Dean Martin decides to really do that Something Big he came west from Pennsylvania to do. The shootout at the end if anything is an anti-climax to the wild goings-on that preceded it throughout the movie.

Dean Martin after coming west to seek fame and fortune or at least enough to marry Carol White and support her is the leader of a group of outlaws with Carol's brother Don Knight as his number two. He wants to really make a score, do Something Big before returning to the east and another outlaw Albert Salmi has an interesting proposition for him.

Salmi's been without a woman for way too long now and his sidekick Robert Donner is not one to bring out the love that dare not speak its name. There just ain't too many folks of the female persuasion out in the territory. So if Martin will get him a woman, Salmi can lay his hands on a Gatling Gun to be used in whatever that Something Big scheme will be.

So what does Dino do? He holds up a few stagecoaches and then gets what he considers a proper woman, Honor Blackman famous as Pussy Galore of James Bond fame. The problem there is Dino didn't check her hand for a wedding ring, she's the wife of Brian Keith the commander of the local army post.

Ironically enough this silliness actually works as Brian Keith and chief scout Ben Johnson go searching the territory for Martin and Blackman. The various misadventures of the players goes for most of the film and when Martin does put his big scheme into operation in the last 20 minutes or so of the film, it is so anti-climatic, it's actually a let down.

Something Big is a very funny film for some reason not often shown. All the players do well, but my absolute favorites are Joyce Van Patten, and Judi Meredith the Standish sisters. A pair of frontier widows who really know how to be hospitable to a passing stranger, especially if the stranger is in pants.

Hopefully TCM will get this film and run it and soon.

RELEASED IN 1971 and directed by Andrew V. McLaglen, "Something Big" is a tongue-in-cheek Western starring Dean Martin as aging outlaw, Joe Baker, who unknowingly kidnaps the wife (Honor Blackman) of a cavalry commander (Brian Keith) in order to obtain a Gatling gun from a scumbag gunrunner (Albert Salmi). Ben Johnson plays a scout while Carol White appears as the wannabe fiancé of Baker.

The title refers to 'something big' that Joe Baker is supposed to do before retiring from outlawry with several of the characters citing the line; a quaint idea, but it's not funny and gets old after a while. The opening act is a dud with nothing stimulating happening to draw the viewer into the story. There are several curious props (a skeleton, a dog, bagpipes and a peg leg), but they fail to stir much interest. Things finally perk up in the second half, but not enough to save the movie.

One huge problem is the idea that this antihero we're supposed to like is engaged in something way too unsavory (kidnaping the innocent wife to offer to the odious gunrunner, which amounts to slavery). Martin was able to get away with this type of character in the excellent "Bandolero!" (1968) because his crimes weren't so abhorrent; not so here.

There are some good bits, however, like the two man-hungry women living in the remote wilderness (Joyce Van Patten & Judi Meredith). Nevertheless, it's obvious why "Something Big" has been condemned to cinematic obscurity, never being released to VHS and barely making it to DVD in 2012.

THE MOVIE RUNS 1 hour 48 minutes and was shot in Durango, Mexico. WRITER: James Lee Barrett.

GRADE: C

Strictly a routine, by-the-numbers western (directed by genre-mainstay Andrew V. McLaglen, so is that any wonder?). Army colonel Brian Keith spars with smarmy bandit Dean Martin, who has just kidnapped the colonel's wife (Honor Blackman, who never found her niche after playing Pussy Galore in "Goldfinger"). Fist-fights, shoot-outs, stagecoach robberies and Denver Pyle in a supporting role...in other words, absolutely nothing new or original. Talking in a low monotone throughout, Keith gets to dally with a prostitute (something of a shock after his run on TV's "Family Affair"), but otherwise this low-rent material wastes Keith's amiable talents. It's also bad news for Dino, who doesn't seem to notice or care. Hack direction, poor writing and several unfunny attempts at lowball humor. * from ****

Whatever happened to light-hearted western movies like 'Something Big'? Now, whenever Hollywood manages to let a western slip out among the 'Die Hard' ripoffs and teen romances, they are always ponderous, grim, indictments of the murderous whiteman's persecution of indians or sombre stories about tormented gunslingers. By 90's movie standards, nobody in the Wild West seems to have ever cracked a smile. 'Something Big' is a movie from the good old days of politically incorrect westerns. Dean Martin plays a likeable outlaw with plans for something big to finish his career in the west. Plans involving a Gatling gun, a fortune in gold, a kidnapped wife of a cavalry officer, Apaches and Mexican bandidos galore. The movie has a cheerful adventurous mood to it, with all kinds of touches of atmosphere like Dean Martin's pet dog Scruffy, the skeleton propped up in the saloon, and the John Ford-like dialogue between Brian Keith as the cavalry officer and Ben Johnson as his scout. 'Something Big' has almost the same mood as a pirate movie, only set in the west. An exciting story with likeable scoundrels after a fabulous treasure. I remember seeing this on TV as a little kid and wishing my life could be like that of Dean Martin's character in this movie. If you love westerns and do not feel like watching a big important 'message' movie like Dances With Wolves or a revisionist gunfighter story like Unforgiven, you should try to find this film on TV. It is a shame that 'Something Big' never made it to video. Western fans need more fun, guilt-free entertainment. I disagree COMPLETELY with Leonard Maltin's review, and I am sure all other real western fans will too.

Dean martin and brian keith.... in a western? Who knew ?? Martin was known for his act with jerry lewis, and his detective films. And keith was uncle bill on "family affair". With the modern peppy music at the start, this seems to be a modern take on old westerns. All tongue in cheek, with some humor. Brian keith is colonel baker, trying to keep the peace in the old west. But when his wife is kidnapped, he goes looking for her. But baker has her, and wants to trade her for a gatling gun. More happy go lucky music when they knock over the stagecoach. Silly, wacky bar brawls. But the deal doesn't quite go as planned. It never does. But all's well that end's well. Appearances by joyce van patten, merlin olsen, and denver pyle, from dukes of hazzard. Directed by andrew mclaglen, who worked with john wayne on so many films! Story by james barrett. It's good, but it didn't need to be almost two hours. They must have picked up other bits from the cutting room floor and added them into this film!

This particular western must have somewhat bewildered the few people who initially saw it in theaters when it was released in 1971. While the previous few years had had the western genre shook up by the spaghetti westerns from Italy and violent American westerns like "The Wild Bunch", this particular western seems to come from a earlier time. It's an old fashioned kind of western. Nothing really wrong with that, as long as the execution is done well. But sadly, the movie is a big letdown. The main reason why it fails is that most of the movie is really boring. The little story there is moves at a snail's pace, with abundant padding throughout. Things could have still been saved with an extra ingredient like action or comedy, but the movie is a letdown in those areas as well. There is very little action up to the violent climax, and the violence in the climax is not worth the wait. As for the comedy, it is pretty lame, with the only laugh being an unintentional one (a character has the name "Emilio Estevez".) Small wonder that headline star Dean Martin seems alternately bored or somewhat bewildered with what is going on around him. By the way, he's also offscreen for long periods of time, which he was probably thankful for.

I also remember seeing this in the theatre. Dean Martin was pretty cool in this movie, but I remember the best part of the movie was the theme song (by Mark Lindsay), and I had to go out of my way to order a copy of the 45.

This is quite a fun outing for Dean Martin as ("Baker") - the leader of a gang of robbers who agrees to swap the wife of local army colonel "Morgan" (Brian Keith) for a Gatling gun. Messrs. Bacharach & David wrote the rather jaunty ditty that kicks the whole thing off - though curiously not sung by the star; and we just know we are in for a bumpy ride with a couple of feisty performances from Honor Blackman as the hostage, and Carol White as the Scottish affianced of "Baker" whom she sets of to marry she four years after they last met! There's plenty of action, Martin oozes charisma and Keith is pretty effective as the cynical old army man soon to retire. Remember it's meant to be a comedy and you'll do fine with this - it's a charming and enjoyable vehicle for the star - who does actually manage to have quite a bit of fun with his new gun, and with Ben Johnson and a few scenes from Denver Pyle to add a bit of extra humour. Maybe not a film you will recall seeing in 6 months, but it is a well produced western well worth a gander.

Brian Keith is the retiring Colonel from the local fort, expecting his wife to join him any day.

Dean Martin is a failure of the old west trying to do "something big." To do that he needs a Gatling gun. To get the gun he needs to swap "a woman" to a pretty rotten character (Albert Salmi, who is quite good). The woman he seizes happens to be the Colonel's wife. Who didn't see that one coming? It was telegraphed like crazy, just on case the audience is too dense to catch on.

Some of those involved are simply too talented or too professional (including Brian Keith, Ben Johnson, Honor Blackman and the extraneous Denver Pyle) not to bring something worthwhile to the table; and I had a few minor giggles. But it's not surprising this was at the tail end of the 1970s movie career of the aging Dean Martin, once so talented he could hold his own against a young Jerry Lewis and after their split get good notices in dramas like "The Young Lions" and "Some Came Running."

This movie definitely shows the influence of "spaghetti westerns" (or maybe it's just made on the cheap). Compare it to the comedy/western Keith made not ten years earlier, "The Hallelujah Trail." Westerns were dying and so was Martin's movie career. After this Martin was largely bound to television shows where he didn't have to rehearse. He had a successful recording, movie and TV career but he was never really a movie star after this.

I like some of the costuming but the sets and cinematography are poor and the Marvin Hamlisch score, while it has occasional nice touches, is often inappropriate. And while it might be timely, the song by Burt Bacharach and Hal David is just awful. Besides stinking to high heaven, the song shows the dangers of being up-to-date. It dates fast.

One trivia bit suggested this project was written with Peter O'Toole in mind. If so, it's easy to see why a star of his magnitude turned it down. For most of the time, it's lousy. And it takes too long for Marin's "something big" to get started and it's not worth the wait.

I loved this movie when it came out! Dean Martin made a suave cowboy. I loved the comedy lines all throughout the movie. Don Knight did a great straight man to Dean's comedic one. But Dean Martin and his little dog stole the show. This movie had a killer cast with Ben Johnson, Brian Keith & Honor Blackman. Dean Martin came out west to do "Something Big" before he married Don Knight's Sister from the old Country. Well, he was having so much fun in the old west...the Sister came looking for him. With time running out he needed to trade a woman for the big gattling gun so he could get the treasure from the "Bad" Mexican Bandiditos! So what does he do, he accidently get's the wife of the Army Fort's Commander. Now everyone is after Dean!!! You can't rent this one...because it was never released to be taped! If you want to see it you will have to wait until some movie channel decides to show it...when ever that will be!!!!!!!!

The mystery is how so many first rate actors would be involved in this mess.

"Something Big" is a very strange western starring Dean Martin. How is it strange? Well, first, Martin plays Joe Baker...the leader of a gang of outlaws who carries his doggy along with him on their various raids. Second, apparently Baker is planning 'something big'...and has agreed to kidnap a woman (Honor Blackman) and trade her to some other rogue for a Gatling Gun (sort of an early version of a machine gun)! Not surprisingly, the woman's husband, Cavalry leader Colonel Morgan (Brian Keith), is bent on catching Baker and rescuing his wife! Talk about a strange plot!

If you are looking for a western that is believable and realistic, well, you certainly should consider watching a different movie! Now this doesn't mean the film is terrible...but you really have to suspend disbelief if you do decide to watch it.

So is it any good? Well, yes and no. Often the humor falls pretty flat but occasionally it connects. This, combined with the utter ridiculousness of the plot make it a movie that clearly isn't for everyone (the reviews on this site run the full gamut). I see it as a time-passer more than anything else.

By the way, if you do watch the film, when Baker meets with Estevez....and Estevez's two dozen(or so) men open fire on Baker and are only a few feet away...how does he possibly survive?!?!?! And when he later opens fire on them with the Gatling Gun...why did they all just stand there...waiting to be killed?!?! This is another reason I wasn't bowled over by "Something Big".

Andrew McLaglen's dreary mess of an unfunny western shows why a limited but appealing actor like Dean Martin needs good writing and tight direction to keep the viewer from thinking of how his or her time may actually be better spent.

The feeling I got from this sort-of western/lovable criminal/sex comedy was one of frustration. Martin could ooze charm and serious morality when he was given something charming and moral to do. He may have had a gob of fun with Inger Stevens and Martha Hyer in Five Card Stud, but you knew that he was going to bring the vigilante killer to justice if it was the last hand he dealt. Here, he pretends to care about the safety of his hostage, Honor Blackman (Mrs. Brian Keith, retiring cavalry officer and all around bore), as he tries to get his hands on a Gatling gun so that Albert Salmi can get hissef ah woomun.

Honor Blackman? "Pussy Galore" Honor Blackman of Goldfinger? As sexy as a pair of New Balance trainers Honor Blackman? Egads, where was Inger Stevens when she was needed?

The greatest trouble with Something Big is that nobody is very likeable, and the occasional serious-character (Ben Johnson, standing there looking as if he wanted to shoot his agent) proves that if you grab a Mexican hooker's breasts in The Wild Bunch and extort sex from Ali McGraw in The Getaway, light comedy may not be your go-to gig.

McLaglen's meandering direction, and everyone saying and doing unpleasant, unfunny things, sucks what little liveliness out of the movie. Even the shootout is off-kilter. I remember it being way too violent, and grisly violence-shock --doesn't belong in a light comedy.

Instead of this junk, stick with Henry Hathaway's Five Card Stud. Martin looks bewildered after making a fool of himself, and Stevens purrs, "You don't know anything about women, do you? Well . . . Maybe one lil' thing."

My dad shot out a laugh at that line, almost dropping his cigarette ashes in his lap.

Honor Blackman would have delivered the line like a Vulcan school marm.