The Odd Couple (1968)
David Sheiner: Roy
Photos
Quotes
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Oscar Madison : I'm in for a quarter.
Murray : Aren't you going to look at your cards first?
Oscar Madison : What for? I'm gonna bluff anyway. Who gets a Pepsi?
Murray : I get a Pepsi.
Oscar Madison : My friend Murray the policeman gets a warm Pepsi.
Roy : You still didn't fix the refrigerator. It's been two weeks now - no wonder it stinks in here.
Oscar Madison : Temper, temper. If I wanted nagging, I'd go back with my wife. I'm out. Who wants food?
Murray : What do you got?
Oscar Madison : I got, uh, brown sandwiches and, uh, green sandwiches. Which one do you want?
Murray : What's the green?
Oscar Madison : It's either very new cheese or very old meat.
Murray : I'll take the brown.
[Oscar hands Murray a sandwich which Murray starts wolfing down]
Roy : Are you crazy? You're not going to eat that, are you?
Murray : I'm hungry!
Roy : His refrigerator has been out of order for two weeks now. I saw milk standing in there that wasn't even in the bottle!
Oscar Madison : What are you, some kind of health nut? Eat, Murray, eat!
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Oscar Madison : I'm $800 behind in alimony. Let's raise the stakes.
Roy : They can do it, you know.
Oscar Madison : Do what?
Roy : Throw you in jail.
Oscar Madison : Never. If she can't call me up once a week to aggravate me, she's not happy.
Murray the Cop : Aren't you worried about the kids?
Oscar Madison : Murray, the kids are living in their grandfather's house with a swimming pool in California. Can we just play cards?
Roy : I told you you'd get into trouble. It's because you don't know how manage anything. I should know - I'm your accountant.
Oscar Madison : If you're my accountant, how come I need money?
Roy : If you need money, how come you play poker?
Oscar Madison : 'Cause I need money.
Roy : But you always lose.
Oscar Madison : That's why I need the money.
Roy : Then don't play poker.
Oscar Madison : Then don't come to my house and eat my potato chips.
[grabs the bag of potato chips on the poker table and flings the entire contents all over the living room]
Oscar Madison : You see, wise guy? Potato chips!
Murray the Cop : Oh, beautiful, beautiful.
[an argument ensues with everyone bickering all at once]
Murray the Cop : What are you yelling about? We're playing a friendly game!
[the bickering continues]
Murray the Cop : All right, all right, ALL RIGHT! Calm down, calm down, take it easy. I'm a cop, you know - I can arrest the whole lousy game.
[they all quiet down]
Oscar Madison : My friend Murray the cop is right. Let's just play cards and please hold them up. I can't see where I marked them.
Roy : He owes money to his wife, his government and his friends and he still won't take it seriously.
Oscar Madison : Life goes on even for those of us who are divorced, broke and sloppy.
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Murray : What are you, crazy, letting him go to the john alone?
Roy : Suppose he tries to kill himself!
Oscar Madison : How's he gonna kill himself in the john?
Murray : Whaddaya mean, how? Razor blades, poison, anything that's in there.
Oscar Madison : Nah, that's the kids' bathroom. The worst he could do in there is brush his teeth to death.
Roy : He could jump!
Vinnie : That's right! Isn't there a window in there?
Oscar Madison : Yeah, but it's only six inches wide.
Murray : Yeah, well he could break the glass - he could cut his wrists!
Oscar Madison : He could also flush himself into the East River. I'm telling you he's not going to try anything.
Roy : Sh! Sh! Listen, listen!
[they all follow Roy to the bathroom door; Felix is heard crying]
Roy : He's crying. You hear that, he's crying!
Murray : Isn't that terrible? For God's sakes, Oscar, do something, say something!
Oscar Madison : What? What do you say to a man who's crying in your bathroom?
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Oscar Madison : Hey wait a minute, wait a minute, the pot's shy. Who didn't put in a quarter?
Murray : You didn't.
Oscar Madison : You got a big mouth, Murray. Just for that, lend me twenty dollars.
Murray : I just loaned you twenty dollars. Borrow from somebody else, I keep winning my own money back.
Roy : You owe everybody in the game. If you don't have it, you shouldn't play.
Oscar Madison : All right, I'm through being a nice guy, you owe me six dollars apiece for the buffet!
Vinnie : What Buffet?
[they all chime in]
Vinnie : What buffet?
Speed : What buffet? Hot beer and two sandwiches left over from when you went to high school.
Oscar Madison : What do you want at a poker game, a tomato surprise? Murray, lend me twenty dollars or I'll call your wife and tell her you're in Central Park wearing a dress.
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Roy : [sniffs] What's the smell? Disinfectant?
[smells his cards]
Roy : It's the cards. He washed the cards.
[gets up from the table]
Roy : I'm getting out of here. I can't stand any more.
Oscar Madison : Wait a minute, Roy. Where are you going?
Roy : I've been sitting here, breathing cleaning fluid and ammonia for three hours! Nature didn't intend for poker to be played like that.
[leaves]
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[last lines]
Oscar Madison : Felix, what about next Friday night? You're not gonna break up the poker game, are you?
Felix Ungar : Me, never! Marriage may come and go, but the game must go on. So long, Frances.
[leaves]
Oscar Madison : So long, Blanche.
[sits down at the poker table]
Oscar Madison : Well, what are we gonna do, are we just gonna sit around or are we gonna play poker?
Roy : [they all chime in] Let's play some poker!
Oscar Madison : Hey boys, boys, boys, let's watch the cigarette butts, shall we? This is my house, not a pigsty.
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Murray : I'm telling you, I'm worried. I know Felix. He's going to try something crazy.
Vinnie : You mean you just threw him out?
Oscar Madison : That's right, I threw him out. It was my decision. All right, I admit it. Let it be on my head.
Vinnie : Let what be on your head?
Oscar Madison : How should I know? Felix put it there. Ask him.
Speed : He's out there somewhere.
Oscar Madison : Listen, he was driving us all crazy with his napkins and his ashtrays and his bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches. All of you said so.
Roy : We didn't say kick him out, Oscar.
Oscar Madison : Well, who do you think I did it for? I did it for us!
Roy : Us?
Oscar Madison : Yes, that's right. Do you know what he was planning for next Friday night's poker game as a change of pace? Do you have any idea?
Vinnie : What?
Oscar Madison : A luau! A Hawaiian luau! Roast pork, fried rice, spareribs - they don't play poker like that in Honolulu!
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Felix Ungar : [serving refreshments at the poker game] Cold glass of beer for Roy...
Roy : Thank you.
Felix Ungar : Where's your coaster?
Roy : My what?
Felix Ungar : Your coaster. The little round thing that goes under the glass.
Roy : I think I bet it.
Oscar Madison : [tosses the coaster back to Roy] Here, here, here. I knew I was winning too much! Here.
Felix Ungar : Always try to use your coasters, huh, fellas? A scotch and a little bit of water...
Speed : Scotch and a little bit of water and I have my coaster.
Felix Ungar : I don't want to be a pest, but you know what glasses can do.
Oscar Madison : [under his breath] They leave little rings on the table.
Felix Ungar : They leave little rings on the table!
Oscar Madison : [under his breath] And we don't want little rings on the table.
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Roy : What if he's laying in a gutter somewhere ? Who would know who he is?
Oscar Madison : He's got 92 credit cards in his wallet. The minute something happens to him, America lights up.
