The Odd Couple (1968)

Jack Lemmon: Felix Ungar

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Oscar Madison : Now kindly remove that spaghetti from my poker table.

  [Felix laughs] 

  Oscar Madison : The hell's so funny?

  Felix Ungar : It's not spaghetti, it's linguini.

  [Oscar picks up the linguini and hurls it against the kitchen wall] 

  Oscar Madison : Now it's garbage.

• Felix Ungar : In other words, you're throwin' me out.

  Oscar Madison : Not in other words. Those are the perfect ones!

• Oscar Madison : Wait a minute, you're not going anywhere until you take it back!

  Felix Ungar : Take what back?

  Oscar Madison : "Let it be on your head." What the hell is that, the Curse of the Cat People?

• Felix Ungar : Funny, I haven't thought of women in weeks.

  Oscar Madison : I fail to see the humor.

• Felix Ungar : I'm a neurotic nut, but you're crazy!

• Felix Ungar : I was just repeating what I thought you said.

  Oscar Madison : Well, don't repeat what you THOUGHT I said, repeat what I said! My god, that's irritating!

• [first lines] 

  Felix Ungar : A room, please.

  Hotel clerk : You alone?

  [Felix nods] 

  Hotel clerk : Luggage?

  [Felix shakes his head] 

  Hotel clerk : How long do you want it for?

  Felix Ungar : Oh, not very long.

  Hotel clerk : Five dollars.

  [Felix isn't paying attention] 

  Hotel clerk : Five dollars!

  [Felix hands him a five-dollar bill. The clerk looks it over and goes to fetch a key] 

  Hotel clerk : 307.

  Felix Ungar : Uh, have you got anything, uh, higher?

  Hotel clerk : Higher?

  [Felix nods, the clerk takes the key, goes back and checks] 

  Hotel clerk : 914?

  [Felix nods and accepts the key] 

• [last lines] 

  Oscar Madison : Felix, what about next Friday night? You're not gonna break up the poker game, are you?

  Felix Ungar : Me, never! Marriage may come and go, but the game must go on. So long, Frances.

  [leaves] 

  Oscar Madison : So long, Blanche.

  [sits down at the poker table] 

  Oscar Madison : Well, what are we gonna do, are we just gonna sit around or are we gonna play poker?

  Roy : [they all chime in]  Let's play some poker!

  Oscar Madison : Hey boys, boys, boys, let's watch the cigarette butts, shall we? This is my house, not a pigsty.

• Felix Ungar : You don't understand. I'm nothing without my wife and kids. I'm nothing!

  Oscar Madison : You're not nothing. You're something. You're a person. You're flesh and blood, bones, hair, nails and ears. You're not a fish. You're not a buffalo. You're you! You walk, and talk, and cry, and complain, and eat little green pills, and send suicide telegrams. No one else does that, Felix, no one! I'm telling you, you're the only one of its kind in the world!

• Oscar Madison : You're not gonna make any effort to change? This is the person you're gonna be until the day you die?

  Felix Ungar : We are what we are.

• Oscar Madison : [Felix is making weird noises in the diner]  Stop that, will ya? What are you doing?

  Felix Ungar : I'm trying to clear up my ears! Fmuh! Fmuh! You create a pressure inside your head, HMAHHH! Opens up the Eustachian tubes. HMAHH! HMAAHH! HMAH-huh! FMAAAAAHHH!

  [the other customers look at him strangely] 

  Oscar Madison : Did it open up?

  Felix Ungar : Uh-huh, I think I sprained my throat. Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh.

• Oscar Madison : Can't you keep it warm?

  Felix Ungar : Who the hell do you think I am, the Magic Chef? I'm lucky I got it to come out at eight o'clock. Wh-wh-what am I gonna do?

  Oscar Madison : I dunno, keep pouring gravy on it.

  Felix Ungar : Gravy? What gravy?

  Oscar Madison : Don't you have any gravy?

  Felix Ungar : Where the hell am I gonna get gravy at eight o'clock?

  Oscar Madison : I dunno, I though it comes when you cook the meat.

  Felix Ungar : [under his breath]  Comes when you cook the meat.

  [stares at him for a moment] 

  Felix Ungar : You don't know what you're talking about, Oscar. You just don't know, because you have to MAKE gravy, it doesn't come!

  Oscar Madison : Well, you asked my advice...

  Felix Ungar : [explodes]  Your advice? You didn't even know where this kitchen was until I came here and showed it to you.

  Oscar Madison : Listen buddy, if you're going to argue with me, put down that spoon.

  Felix Ungar : Spoon? Haha, you dumb ignoramus, that is a ladle! You did not know that's a ladle!

  Oscar Madison : Get a hold of yourself, will ya?

  Felix Ungar : You think it's so easy? Go ahead, kitchen's yours, all yours, you make a meatloaf for four people who come a half-hour late. Go on.

  Oscar Madison : I can't believe I'm arguing with him over gravy.

  Felix Ungar : [doorbell rings]  They're here - the dinner guests. I'll get a saw and cut the meat!

• [Felix grabs up a cup to throw it at the wall, but relents] 

  Oscar Madison : Why didn't you throw it?

  Felix Ungar : I almost did. Sometimes I get so insane with myself.

  Oscar Madison : Then why don't you throw the cup?

  Felix Ungar : I'm trying to control myself.

  Oscar Madison : Why are you trying to control yourself?

  Felix Ungar : What do you mean? Why?

  Oscar Madison : You were angry. You felt like throwing the cup. Why didn't you throw it?

  Felix Ungar : Because I would still be angry and I would have a broken cup.

• Chambermaid : [to Felix as he walks by]  Goodnight.

  Felix Ungar : Goodbye.

• Oscar Madison : Where are you going?

  Felix Ungar : To the john.

  Oscar Madison : Alone?

  Felix Ungar : I always go alone. Why?

  Oscar Madison : No reason. You going to be in there long?

  Felix Ungar : As long as it takes.

• Felix Ungar : [serving refreshments at the poker game]  Cold glass of beer for Roy...

  Roy : Thank you.

  Felix Ungar : Where's your coaster?

  Roy : My what?

  Felix Ungar : Your coaster. The little round thing that goes under the glass.

  Roy : I think I bet it.

  Oscar Madison : [tosses the coaster back to Roy]  Here, here, here. I knew I was winning too much! Here.

  Felix Ungar : Always try to use your coasters, huh, fellas? A scotch and a little bit of water...

  Speed : Scotch and a little bit of water and I have my coaster.

  Felix Ungar : I don't want to be a pest, but you know what glasses can do.

  Oscar Madison : [under his breath]  They leave little rings on the table.

  Felix Ungar : They leave little rings on the table!

  Oscar Madison : [under his breath]  And we don't want little rings on the table.

• Felix Ungar : I think I'm crazy.

  Oscar Madison : If it makes you feel any better, I think so too.

• Felix Ungar : I put order in this house. For the first time in months, you're saving money. You're sleeping on clean sheets. You're eating hot meals for a change and I did it.

  Oscar Madison : Yes, that's right. And then at night after we've had your halibut steak and your tartar sauce, I have to spend the rest of the evening watching you Saran Wrap the leftovers.

• Felix Ungar : [in the meat department of the supermarket, to the butcher]  I'd like, uh, fresh ground.

  Butcher : [pointing to the package of hamburger in Felix's hand]  That's fresh.

  Felix Ungar : That's not fresh. That's packaged. I want fresh.

  Butcher : How much?

  Felix Ungar : Four pounds. Exactly.

  [the butcher gives him a weird look, then turns away to get his hamburger] 

• Felix Ungar : I'll be in the way.

  Gwendolyn Pigeon : How could you possibly be in anyone's way?

  Oscar Madison : You want to see a typewritten list?

  Gwendolyn Pigeon : Oh, haven't you said enough already?

• Felix Ungar : Walk on the paper, will you? I washed the floor in there.

• Oscar Madison : [Felix has been shoved into the shower and the water turned on full blast after revealing he swallowed a bottle of pills]  We've got to get the pills out!

  Felix Ungar : [turns the shower off]  The pills are out! I threw up before!

• Gwendolyn Pigeon : I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name.

  Felix Ungar : Felix.

  Gwendolyn Pigeon : Oh, right, Felix.

  Cecily Pigeon : Like the cat.

  Gwendolyn Pigeon : Oh, well, the Pigeon sisters had better beware of the cat.

• Felix Ungar : [Oscar has been giving Felix the silent treatment]  All right, how long is this gonna go on?

  Oscar Madison : You talking to me?

  Felix Ungar : Yeah, I'm talking to you.

  Oscar Madison : Whaddya wanna know?

  Felix Ungar : I just wanna know if you're gonna spend the rest of your life NOT talking to ME. And if you are, I'm gonna get a radio.

• Felix Ungar : But remember: what happens to me is your responsibility. Let it be on your head.

  Oscar Madison : Let what be on my head? Wait a minute, dammit. Why can't you get thrown out like a decent human being? Let what be on my head?

• Felix Ungar : Let it be on your conscience.

  Oscar Madison : Let what be on my conscience?

  Felix Ungar : I'm perfectly willing to stay here and clear the air of our differences but you refuse, right?

  Oscar Madison : Right. I'm sick and tired of you clearing the air. That's why I want you to leave.

• Felix Ungar : You wanna fight, let's go down in the living room, huh?

  Oscar Madison : I don't want you in my living room. I don't want you in my bedroom. I don't want you in my bathroom, my kitchen, my elevator, my hall, or my building; I don't want you at all!

  Felix Ungar : What are you talking about?

  Oscar Madison : It's all over, Felix, the whole marriage. We're getting an annulment. Don't you understand? I don't wanna live with you anymore! I want you to pack up your things, tie it up in Saran wrap, and get outta here!

  Felix Ungar : You mean actually move out?

  Oscar Madison : Actually, physically, immediately!

  Felix Ungar : You mean move out this minute?

  Oscar Madison : Yes, this minute! If you can do it sooner, I'd appreciate it!

• Oscar Madison : Felix, when are you and I gonna have some fun, a little relaxation? Get outta the house?

  Felix Ungar : What are you talking about? We have fun. Eat over the plate.

  Oscar Madison : Fun? Listen, getting a clear picture on Channel 2 is not my idea of whoopie.

  Felix Ungar : We don't always watch TV. Sometimes we read, sometimes we talk.

  Oscar Madison : No, no. I read and you talk. I try to work and you talk. I go to sleep and you talk. That's your life arranged pretty good, but I'm still looking for a little entertainment.

  Felix Ungar : What are you saying, I talk too much?

  Oscar Madison : No, no. I'm not complaining. You got a lot to say.

  [beat] 

  Oscar Madison : What's worrying me is I'm beginning to listen.

• Felix Ungar : Where are we going to have dinner?

  Oscar Madison : What?

  Felix Ungar : Where are we going to have dinner?

  Oscar Madison : Anywhe... Anywhe... Anywhere you say. Chinese, Italian...

  Felix Ungar : You mean a restaurant? The four of us? It will cost a fortune.

  Oscar Madison : We'll cut down on laundry. We don't wear socks on Thursdays.