I Love You, Alice B. Toklas! (1968)
Peter Sellers: Harold Fine
Photos
Quotes
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Nancy : Your attitude is very unhip.
Harold : My attitude is unhip? Don't give me that. Don't - listen, I'm probably the hippest guy around here. I got a house full of strangers. I got cats, I got dogs, I got pot, I got acid, I got LSD cubes. I've got this thing here. Don't tell me about hip. I am so hip it hurts. That's how hip I am.
Nancy : It's very unhip to say you're hip, Harold.
Harold : And it's very unhip of you to tell me that I am unhip.
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Guru : Who are you? Do you know who you are?
Harold Fine : I'm trying. Guru, I'm really trying.
Guru : When you stop trying, then you'll know who you are.
Harold Fine : Well, I - I'm trying to stop trying.
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Harold Fine : There's nothing about Warhol in here.
Nancy : You know, Herbie said it's the best picture he's ever made.
Harold Fine : Who's in it?
Nancy : Nobody. Just teeth.
Harold Fine : Just teeth? Whose teeth?
Nancy : You know, teeth. Animal teeth, insect teeth, false teeth. Just shots of teeth.
Harold Fine : Oh, what a fantastic idea. What an incredible conception. Teeth, teeth and yet more teeth. Wow! - - Teeth!
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Harold Fine : Well, take the fakakta feather out of your hair and wash the stupid paint off your face!
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Joyce : Do you know what happened this time?
Harold Fine : What?
Joyce : The earth moved for me. Like in Hemingway. Did the earth move for you?
Harold Fine : No, I don't think so.
Joyce : I didn't satisfy you?
Harold Fine : Of course you satisfied me. It was just that the earth didn't move this time, that's all.
Joyce : But it has moved in the past?
Harold Fine : Oh, Joyce, you know, many times, many times.
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Joyce : One thing, is all I wanna know.
Harold Fine : What?
Joyce : What? Am I going to be your wife, or am I going to continue to be your concubine?
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Mechanic : I can let you use this until we fix you up.
Harold Fine : You sure this is all you have?
Mechanic : Yep. Belongs to my kid. He was supposed to take the night shift. Big shot ran off to San Francisco with a colored girl. My wife's going crazy.
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Herbie : You okay, kid?
Harold Fine : I'm fine.
Herbie : You've got that look.
Harold Fine : What look?
Herbie : You know, when you get fakakta.
Harold Fine : Joyce and I are getting married Labor Day.
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Harold Fine : I'm glad you're coming to the funeral. It's gonna make Mama very happy.
Herbie : Hey, I'm going to the funeral because it's making me happy. A funeral is a happy thing, Harold. In death, there is always rebirth.
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Murray : He's just a kid. It's a stage. When I was at NYU Law, I lived in Greenwich Village. Hippies. Used to be beatniks. I saw those kids. It's an act of rebellion.
Harold Fine : I hope that's all it is.
Murray : He's probably got a different girl every night. I should have it so bad.
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Murray : [watching two girls in short white tennis outfits] Oh, my God. Oh, I'd like to lily your lollies. Oh, where do they come from? What do they want from me?
Harold Fine : Can't you stop for a second, Murray?
Murray : When they stop, I'll stop. They know you're looking at them, driving you crazy, and they love it.
Harold Fine : How can you tell me how beautiful marriage is when you mentally rape every woman who passes by?
Murray : What has my looking have to do with my marriage?
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Harold Fine : What? What? What are you trying to do to me, kill your mother?
Herbie : I'm wearing the traditional burial outfit of the Hopi Indians. It's beautiful.
Harold Fine : Foley was a Catholic, not an Indian.
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Nancy : Is this interesting?
Harold Fine : What's that?
Nancy : "Sexual Aberrations in the Human Male."
Harold Fine : Well, Interesting? My first year out of law school, I did research for a firm that was defending a homosexual. A very prominent man.
Nancy : Did he get off?
Harold Fine : Fortunately, yes.
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Nancy : What's a shoe fetishist?
Harold Fine : A shoe fetishist? Well, generally speaking, a shoe fetishist is a person who has a sexual problem in relation to shoes. Boots and shoes, you know.
Nancy : That's illegal?
Harold Fine : In public it is, yes. It's a perversion.
Nancy : Next step, they'll be taking teddy bears away from babies.
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Harold Fine : [stopping in his car] Where's Herbie?
Nancy : Herbie met Love Lady.
Harold Fine : What, and he just left you alone like that? Don't you know it's dangerous to hitch by yourself out here at night? There are sex maniacs driving in cars. Perverts. I see them in court every day, believe me.
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Joyce : Harold? I didn't see you all day.
Harold Fine : Well, I was very tired after the funeral, you know.
[Joyce kisses Harold]
Harold Fine : My mother's in there.
Joyce : Oh, let's live dangerously, huh?
Mrs. Fine : [from the other room] Plenty of time for that after the wedding.
Harold Fine : I told you so.
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Joyce : Look, I found some brownies.
Father : They look fresh baked.
Mrs. Fine : Do you have saccharine, Harold?
Joyce : Oh, I have some in my purse.
Joyce : Oh, you're a darling. Thank you. Well, looks like a nice brownie, Harold. From Rubins?
Harold Fine : I don't remember. A small bakery on Fairfax.
Mrs. Fine : Mmm. Mmm. Better than Rubins.
Father : Better than Rubins? That's a brownie!
Joyce : This is delicious.
Harold Fine : Mmm. They're very good. They're - they're groovy.
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Harold Fine : I came to thank you for the brownies.
Nancy : You're welcome.
Harold Fine : I came to see you.
Nancy : Groovy.
Harold Fine : Yeah. Groovy.
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Harold Fine : You should've told me what was in those brownies.
Nancy : Thank Alice B. Toklas. It's her recipe.
Harold Fine : Yeah?
Nancy : She wrote a freaky cookbook.
Harold Fine : And she turned my parents into junkies.
Nancy : She did?
Harold Fine : Oh, yeah.
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Harold Fine : Oh, my God, I gotta be real. Kiss me. Kiss my eyes. Kiss my neck. Kiss my ankh.
Nancy : You sure?
Harold Fine : Yes. Kiss it. Kiss my ankh. Kiss it now.
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Harold Fine : Do you know where you're going? Do you know who you are, where you are? Flower in the crannied walls, I pluck you out of the crannies...
1st Patrolman : Oh, pluck yourself, Jack. Why don't you get a haircut?
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Harold Fine : Nancy, you know I don't like you to hitch.
Nancy : Don't get uptight, Harold.
Harold Fine : I'm not getting uptight. I just don't like you to hitch, that's all. Anyway, if you get a hitch, get a hitch from a lady. Make sure she's not a dyke!
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Herbie : Very, very, very groovy scene.
Harold Fine : Yeah, groovy. Yeah. Yeah, very groovy, yeah. Yeah, this is really groovy. Groovy. This is groovy.
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Mrs. Fine : Oh, brownies!
Harold Fine : Hey, don't eat those, Ma. They're Alice B. Toklas brownies.
Mrs. Fine : I love you, Alice B. Toklas! Who is Alice B. Toklas?
Harold Fine : Gertrude Stein's friend.
Mrs. Fine : Oh, yeah, Gertrude Stein. She used to live on Oakwood.
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[last lines]
Hippie on Sidewalk : Hey, where are you going, man?
Harold Fine : I don't know. I don't know! I don't know and I don't care! I don't care! But there's gotta be something beautiful out there! There's got to be. I know it! Hey! Hey, I know it!
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Harold : Where are you going?
Nancy : The funeral.
Harold : But you've never met Mr. Foley.
Nancy : But I've never been to a funeral.
Harold : We are not going to the Ice Capades! A man! A man, a human being, is being buried under the ground.
Nancy : But that can be a beautiful experience, and I want to experience everything that's beautiful.
Harold : I'm going crazy.
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Harold Fine : Would you send in the Rodriguez twins -- uh -- family, please?
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Mrs. Fine : [weeping] 61 years old and they took him!
Harold Fine : [breaking down] My father! My poor sweet father!
Mrs. Fine : [bewildered] What father? No, Mr. Foley. Ed Foley the butcher. He had a coronary.
Harold Fine : [enraged] What are you're trying to do to me? You tell me a 61 year old man has just died! I thought it was Papa!
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Mrs. Fine : Harold, you'll come to the funeral? And bring your brother. Bring Herbie.
Harold Fine : I don't know where Herbie is. I haven't seen him in 3 months.
Mrs. Fine : Herbie! He's with the bums in Venice.
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Harold Fine : Pardon me, but did you just say you knew Mr. Foley?
Nancy : No, Herbie told me and he sounds like a beautiful man. He picked Herbie up in his arms and he breathed life into him. It's a beautiful thing to do.
Harold Fine : Wait a minute. What are you talking about?
Nancy : When Herbie fell off the stool, when your folks had the candy store in Boyle Heights. He saved Herbie's life.
Harold Fine : He saved my life!
Nancy : You too?
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Joyce : That's, ah, twin cantors.
Harold Fine : They're really twins?
Joyce : Oh yes. Now Harold, they're very expensive, but they perform the most beautiful ceremony.
Harold Fine : Hmm. Are they fratel or identical?
Joyce : Well, they're not... identical. No, I dont think that they are. I'm just doing it for my father, you see, I-I felt that that's the least that we could do. I feel that you really dont want them. Now, if you dont want them, I want you to tell me that.
Harold Fine : The very thought of cantors in stereo, instead of mono cantor, appeals to me.
Joyce : Oh, Harold.
