How I Won the War (1967)

Lee Montague: Transom

Photos 

Quotes 

• Juniper : [enters scene dressed as a clown, pulling a hobby horse, as if acting a scene]  Will you take my horse, sir?

  Transom : [to Goodbody]  Take no large notice, sir. He is working what is known as ticket, sir. Keeps the lads amused.

  [Clapper, Drouge, and Spool join Juniper, dressed normally] 

  Transom : Pick those bits up, Gripweed!

  [joining the scene] 

  Transom : Where's your tin hat gone, Juniper?

  Juniper : Losing by neglect, sir!

  Transom : If I catch you without your tin hat in a battle zone again, I'll ram it down your throat!

  Clapper : Losing by neglect, one mess tin.

  Juniper : One mess tin!

  Transom : Did you have your name on it?

  [aside, to Goodbody] 

  Transom : Take no notice, sir.

  Juniper : Scratched on!

  Goodbody : Pull these...

  Clapper : Scratched on?

  Goodbody : ...men together!

  Juniper : Scored it!

  Transom : How dare you disfigure government property? Six days royal warrant. March him off, Musket Major. Two men!

  [exeunt Juniper, Clapper, Drogue, and Spool] 

  Transom : [to Goodbody]  Ought to camouflage up, sir, or go - or go get the scrim up, sir, if you're stopping. Us in our, uh, vests here, sir. Exposed to all manner of nasty -

  Goodbody : [interrupting, angry but calm]  I'm going to explode, but I won't. I think the roller, don't you?

  [walks to background] 

• Juniper : [re-enters scene still dressed as a clown, Drogue, Spool, Gripweed, and Clapper in tow]  Bayonet!

  Transom : Bayonet?

  Spool : Where's your bayonet?

  Juniper : Must have left it sticking in the enemy, sir!

  Spool : Spur!

  Juniper : Where?

  Transom : Where's your spur?

  Juniper : Must have left it sticking in the horse, sir!

  Goodbody : [calls out]  Two men!

  [exeunt players] 

  Goodbody : [walks back to Transom and ex-Dooley, points his finger at ex-Dooley, shouting]  There! On the end of my finger!

  Gripweed : [re-enter players]  Finger!

  Juniper : Finger?

  Gripweed : Musketeer Juniper, where's your finger?

  Juniper : Must have left it sticking up the Khyber Pass, sir!

  Transom : Self-inflicted injury! March him off, Musket Major! Two - wait for it!

  [pause, players posed as if frozen while running] 

  Transom : Two men!

  [exeunt players]