How I Won the War (1967)
Michael Crawford: Lt. Goodbody
Photos
Quotes
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Grapple : Never underrate the wily Pathan. What we're going on to now is the wily Pathan, followed the use of and handling of anti-gas carpet. The Pathan lives in India. India is a hot, strange country. It's full of wily Pathans and they're up to wily things, which is why I always wear spurs, even in cold weather. Now, my advice to you is always to keep your rifle strapped to a suitable portion of your body - your leg is good. Otherwise, you'll find the wily Pathan will strip himself mother-naked, grease himself all over - slippery as an eel - make off with your rifle, which is a crime. Any questions so far, or can we take gas?
Goodbody : Sir, has the pathan gone over to Hitler, sir?
Grapple : Grammar school boy?
Goodbody : Sir.
Grapple : No, he has not. Too wily for that, the wily Pathan, you'll find.
Goodbody : Then shall we be fighting him in this war, sir?
Grapple : Of course we will, boy! The British Army has always fought the wily Pathan. Stripped mother-naked, under the tent brailings like a snake, he is.
Goodbody : Why?
Grapple : [increasingly annoyed] Why, what? Why, what? We want to get on to gas. May save your life one day, gas.
Goodbody : Er, why has the British Army always fought the wily Pathan, sir?
Grapple : [very incensed] Because he's just like you are, a damn wily troublemaker! What's your name in full? How did you get into an O.C.T.U. without knowing your history?
[sigh]
Grapple : God help your men. They'll be torn apart by the wily Pathan.
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Goodbody : [talking aloud to himself] I can't, I fear, I can't march properly on my own, as an officer, in the public eye.
Juniper : [sitting in back of a truck, smoking, holding a broom] Isn't that sickening when that happens to a chap? Couldn't your drill instructor do something about it? Like a quick jab up the crotch with a broom bass?
[holds up broom]
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Juniper : [enters scene dressed as a clown, pulling a hobby horse, as if acting a scene] Will you take my horse, sir?
Transom : [to Goodbody] Take no large notice, sir. He is working what is known as ticket, sir. Keeps the lads amused.
[Clapper, Drouge, and Spool join Juniper, dressed normally]
Transom : Pick those bits up, Gripweed!
[joining the scene]
Transom : Where's your tin hat gone, Juniper?
Juniper : Losing by neglect, sir!
Transom : If I catch you without your tin hat in a battle zone again, I'll ram it down your throat!
Clapper : Losing by neglect, one mess tin.
Juniper : One mess tin!
Transom : Did you have your name on it?
[aside, to Goodbody]
Transom : Take no notice, sir.
Juniper : Scratched on!
Goodbody : Pull these...
Clapper : Scratched on?
Goodbody : ...men together!
Juniper : Scored it!
Transom : How dare you disfigure government property? Six days royal warrant. March him off, Musket Major. Two men!
[exeunt Juniper, Clapper, Drogue, and Spool]
Transom : [to Goodbody] Ought to camouflage up, sir, or go - or go get the scrim up, sir, if you're stopping. Us in our, uh, vests here, sir. Exposed to all manner of nasty -
Goodbody : [interrupting, angry but calm] I'm going to explode, but I won't. I think the roller, don't you?
[walks to background]
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Juniper : [re-enters scene still dressed as a clown, Drogue, Spool, Gripweed, and Clapper in tow] Bayonet!
Transom : Bayonet?
Spool : Where's your bayonet?
Juniper : Must have left it sticking in the enemy, sir!
Spool : Spur!
Juniper : Where?
Transom : Where's your spur?
Juniper : Must have left it sticking in the horse, sir!
Goodbody : [calls out] Two men!
[exeunt players]
Goodbody : [walks back to Transom and ex-Dooley, points his finger at ex-Dooley, shouting] There! On the end of my finger!
Gripweed : [re-enter players] Finger!
Juniper : Finger?
Gripweed : Musketeer Juniper, where's your finger?
Juniper : Must have left it sticking up the Khyber Pass, sir!
Transom : Self-inflicted injury! March him off, Musket Major! Two - wait for it!
[pause, players posed as if frozen while running]
Transom : Two men!
[exeunt players]
