Batman: The Movie (1966)

Adam West: Batman, Bruce Wayne

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Quotes 

• Batman : Some days, you just can't get rid of a bomb!

• Robin : [after Batman manages to safely allow a bomb to explode without injuring himself]  You risked your life to save that... riff-raff in the bar!

  Batman : They may be drinkers, Robin, but they're also human beings - and may be salvaged. I had to do it!

• Batman : Robin, listen to these riddles. Tell me if you interpret them as l do. One. What has yellow skin and writes?

  Robin : A ball-point banana!

  Batman : Right. Two. What people are always in a hurry?

  Robin : Rushing people? Russians!

  Batman : Right again. Now, what would you say they mean?

  Robin : Banana. Russian. I've got it! Someone Russian is going to slip on a banana peel and break their neck!

  Batman : Precisely, Robin!

• Commissioner Gordon : It could be any one of them. But which one? Which ones?

  Batman : Pretty *fishy* what happened to me on that ladder.

  Commissioner Gordon : You mean where there's a fish there could be a Penguin?

  Robin : But wait! It happened at sea. See? C for Catwoman!

  Batman : Yet, an exploding shark *was* pulling my leg...

  Commissioner Gordon : The Joker!

  Chief O'Hara : All adds up to a sinister riddle. Riddle-R. Riddler!

  Commissioner Gordon : Oh, the thought strikes me. So dreadful, I scarcely dare give it utterance.

  Batman : The four of them. Their forces combined.

  Robin : Holy nightmare!

• Batman : Who knows, Robin? This strange mixing of minds may be the greatest single service ever performed for humanity! Let's go, but, inconspicuously, through the window. We'll use our Batropes. Our job is finished.

• Robin : Gosh, drinking's sure a filthy thing isn't it? I'd rather be dead than unable to trust my own eyes.

  Batman : Uh-uh.

• Batman : Bon Voyage, Pussy.

• Vice Admiral Fangschliester : [on the phone]  Avast and belay, Batman. Your tone sounds rather grim. We haven't done anything foolish, have we?

  Batman : [reproachfully]  Disposing of pre-atomic submarines to persons who don't even leave their full addresses... Good day, Admiral!

  Vice Admiral Fangschliester : [they hang up]  Gosh!

• Commissioner Gordon : Penguin, Joker, Riddler... and Catwoman, too! The sum of the angles of that rectangle is too monstrous to contemplate!

  Batman : We've been given the plainest warning. They're working together to take over...

  Chief O'Hara : Take over *what*, Batman? Gotham City?

  Batman : Any *two* of them would try that!

  Commissioner Gordon : The whole country?

  Batman : If it were three of them, I would say yes, but *four*? Their minimum objective must be... the *entire* world.

• [Batman and Robin are running to the United World Building] 

  Robin : Holy marathon! I'm getting a stitch, Batman!

  Batman : Let's hope that it's a stitch in time, Robin, that saves nine - The nine members of the United World Security Council. Come on.

• Batman : Look at this pair of joking riddles.

  Chief O'Hara : [reads]  What does a turkey do when he flies upside down?

  Robin : He gobbles up!

  Chief O'Hara : Of course.

  Batman : And, number two...

  Commissioner Gordon : [reads]  What weighs six ounces, sits in a tree and is very dangerous?

  Robin : A sparrow with a machine gun!

  Commissioner Gordon : Yes, of course.

• Robin : Are you sure you didn't hurt your head in that fight, Batman?

  Batman : Perfectly. Here, swallow this pill.

  Robin : Thanks.

• Vice Admiral Fangschliester : ...to some chap named P.N. Guin.

  Batman : P.N. Guin?

  Robin : The Penguin!

• Robin : When you think, Batman, with people in weird outfits, like the four supercrooks hangin' around, it's amazing someone hasn't already reported this place to the police!

  Batman : It's a low neighborhood, full of rumpots. They're used to curious sights, which they attribute to alcoholic delusions.

  Robin : Gosh, drink is sure a filthy thing, isn't it? I'd rather be dead than unable to trust my own eyes!

• Robin : [pointing toward the sky]  That crazy missile! It wrote two more riddles before it blew up!

  Batman : [reading a skywritten message]  "What goes up white and comes down yellow and white?"

  Robin : An egg!

  Batman : [reading another skywritten message]  "How do you divide seventeen apples among sixteen people?"

  Robin : Make applesauce!

  Batman : [thinking out loud]  Apples into applesauce - A unification into one smooth mixture. An egg - nature's perfect container. The container of all our hopes for the future.

  Robin : A unification and a container of hope? United World Organization!

  Batman : Precisely, Robin! And there's a special meeting of the Security Council today. If what I fear is true...

  Robin : Wow! Let's commandeer a taxi!

  Batman : No, Robin. Not at this time of day. Luckily, we're in tip-top condition. It'll be faster if we run. Let's go!

• The Penguin : Ahoy there! Could you chaps direct me to a policeman? Commodore Schmidlapp's the name. Big Ben Distilleries, you know.

  [Batman and Robin look at each other] 

  Robin : Holy costume party. That's the Penguin.

  Batman : Obviously.

  Robin : What's his game, I wonder.

  [Batman turns back to the Penguin] 

  Batman : What's your game, Penguin?

  The Penguin : Penguin?

  [laughs] 

  The Penguin : No, my name's Schmidlapp, old boy. Schmidlapp.

• Batman : Hand me down... the shark-repellent Batspray!

• Miss Kitka : [to Batman]  If you please, to take off the mask to give the better picture?

  Commissioner Gordon : Great Scott! Batman take off his mask?

  Chief O'Hara : The woman must be mad!

  Batman : Please... Chief O'Hara... all of you. This young lady is a stranger to our shores. Her request is not unnatural, however, impossible to grant.

  Miss Kitka : Impossible?

  Batman : Indeed. If Robin and I were to remove our masks, the secret of our true identities would be revealed.

  Commissioner Gordon : Completely destroying their value as ace crimefighters.

  Chief O'Hara : Sure, ma'am. Not even Commisioner Gordon and meself know who they really are.

  Robin : In fact, our own relatives we live with don't know.

  Miss Kitka : But your so curious costumes...

  Robin : Don't be put off by them, ma'am. Underneath this garb, we're perfectly ordinary Americans.

  Miss Kitka : You are like the masked vigilantes in the Westerns, no?

  Commissioner Gordon : Certainly not! Batman and Robin are fully deputized agents of the law.

  Robin : Support your police! That's our message!

  Batman : Well said, Robin... and no better way to end this press conference... thank you, and good day.

• Batman : The Riddler is loose to plague us with his criminal conundrums.

• Batman : Confound it, the batteries are dead!

• Commissioner Gordon : A fine job, Batman. You allayed their fears magnificently.

  Batman : What else could I have done, Commissioner? If I told the truth, panic will grip the city.

  Chief O'Hara : The truth. Sure, and what is the truth?

  Batman : A decoy. A strange anonymous warning that Commodore Schmidlapp is in danger, to lure me into a trap.

  Commissioner Gordon : A fiendish attempt on Batman's life.

  Chief O'Hara : You mean, when they were luring you to a watery grave, the commodore's yacht has been hijacked in some places?

  Batman : Precisely.

  Commissioner Gordon : And who behind it? Not a clue.

  Batman : Tell me, Commissioner: What known supercriminals are at large just now?

  Commissioner Gordon : I'll check at once, Batman. Bonnie, let's have the latest status report on supercriminals still at large.

  Bonnie : Yes, Commissioner.

  Commissioner Gordon : Thank you, Bonnie. Coming up, Batman, on the closed-circuit TV screen. Come over here.

  [the quartet move to the closed-circuit TV screen on the wall] 

  Closed Circuit TV Screen : Status report. Known supercriminals not currently imprisoned.

  Batman : The Penguin.

  Commissioner Gordon : That pompous, waddling master of foul play, maestro a million criminal umbrellas.

  Robin : The Joker.

  Chief O'Hara : Devilish clown prince of crime! Oh, if I only had a nickel for every time he's baffled us!

  Commissioner Gordon : What, the Riddler loose too?

  Batman : So it seems. Loose to plague us with his criminal conundrums.

  Robin : Gosh! And the Catwoman!

  Closed Circuit TV Screen : End of status report.

• Miss Kitka : About that dream you had...

  Bruce Wayne : Do we dare?

  Miss Kitka : Why not?

  Bruce Wayne : Yes, of course. Why not? Of what use is a dream if not a blueprint for courageous action?

  Miss Kitka : Oh, into action, Comrade.

  Bruce Wayne : Miss Kitka, I have the strangest feeling that l am about to be utterly and madly carried away.

• Batman : [at a press conference]  You there, Miss...

  Miss Kitka : Comrade Kitanya lrenya Tatanya Karenska Alisoff. I am from 'The Moscow Bugle'.

  Batman : You grace us with your presence. May I be of service?

• Robin : Holy glue pot! What's going on?

  Batman : The fiends! They've converted this buoy into a gigantic magnet! It's got us by the - metallic objects in our utility belts.

• Batman : Salt and corrosion. The infamous old enemies of the crime fighter. No prints here.

• Batman : Alfred, do you have your driver's license?

  Alfred : In my wallet, Sir.

  Batman : Good man! Drive carefully. Good luck! Good hunting! This may prove to be a most memorable night.

• Alfred : What is the scheme, Sir?

  Batman : Tonight, Bruce Wayne will go out on the town with Miss Kitka.

  Alfred : A not displeasing chore, Sir.

  Batman : lndeed, Alfred! I've rarely met a girl who is such a potent argument in favor of international relations.

• Bruce Wayne : Kitka. Kitka, a charming acronym.

  Miss Kitka : Thank you, Comrade Wayne. You know, the fame of The Wayne Foundation is known from Leningrad to Kamchatka. It works for peace and understanding. But, your own picture has appeared countless times in 'The Moscow Bugle'.

  Bruce Wayne : I'm most grateful, I wasn't aware of that.

  Miss Kitka : Oh, da, da.

• Bruce Wayne : You say you found these riddles written on Wayne Foundation stationery slipped under the door of your borrowed penthouse apartment?

  Miss Kitka : Yes, Comrade Wayne. That is why I brought them to you. At first, I thought it was some foolishness. But, then l remembered: is there not a bourgeois criminal cad in this country called the Riddler, who preys upon the workers of America?

  Bruce Wayne : Your jargon is quaint, Miss Kitka. But there is such a creature, I believe.

  Miss Kitka : What? What do we do now? Report these riddles to your police or perhaps to that masked Cossack, Batman?

  Bruce Wayne : Well, that's hardly necessary at the moment.

• Bruce Wayne : This curtain which separates our countries is so foolish. If we could just contrive some way of getting more deeply involved with each other.

  Miss Kitka : Oh, da. Da, we must search for such a method.

• Miss Kitka : Da, da. Keep your eyes closed. Continue with this dream.

  Bruce Wayne : The dream continues.

  Miss Kitka : Da, da.

  Bruce Wayne : lt approaches a climax.

  Miss Kitka : Not, nyet. Not so fast. Be more slow.

• Bruce Wayne : I'll curse myself forever, Miss Kitka. This nasty soup we're in is largely of my own brewing. If l hadn't let your beauty lull me off guard.

• Bruce Wayne : Quickly, wiggle around back-to-back. Maybe you can reach it with your fingers.

  Miss Kitka : Da.

• Bruce Wayne : I've got it. Why didn't l think of it sooner?

  Miss Kitka : Of what, Comrade Wayne?

  Bruce Wayne : Up my left sleeve I have a tiny radio transmitter strapped above my elbow.

  Miss Kitka : What a curious device to carry.

  Bruce Wayne : Not at all, Miss Kitka. Capitalists, like myself, who carry large sums of money, often have such safety contrivances.

• Bruce Wayne : "And all my days are trances, And all my nightly dreams, Are where thy dark eye glances, And where thy footstep gleams"

  Miss Kitka : ...Comrade Wayne?

  Bruce Wayne : Edgar Allan Poe, Miss Kitka. "To One in Paradise," first stanza.

• Batman : Snap on the Batcuffs.

• Robin : Where does that elevator go?

  Batman : Downstairs, obviously, to an abandoned submarine dock on the river.

  Robin : Holy Captain Nemo! They'll head for sea by way of Short lsland Sound.

• Batman : We have just one trump card left, Robin. Heaven help the world if we fail. Come on!

• Batman : Ready with super-blinding Batpellets.

• Batman : [on the Batphone]  Yes, Commissioner?

  Commissioner Gordon : What progress, Batman? ls there hope?

  Batman : There's always hope. You should know that, Sir.

  Commissioner Gordon : Of course, of course.

• Batman : Robin. Over here, look. The hope of the world, tottering on the brink!

  Robin : Holy almost!

  Batman : To think, it might have been shattered before our very eyes.

• Batman : Separation accomplished. Ready to rehydrate.

• Batman : You'll keep constant watch via the Micro-TV Batscanner.

  Robin : Sure! And if the Riddler tries to make good on his filthy threat...

  Batman : l'll - bash him - brutally.

• Miss Kitka : How purrfectly wonderful of you! Mmm. I close my eyes and l dream of all those savage Cossacks racing over the steppes on their brutal mission.

  Bruce Wayne : How strange. I close my eyes, and l dream of something quite astonishingly different.

• Robin : Gosh, Batman, the nobility of the almost-human porpoise.

  Batman : True, Robin. It was noble of that animal to hurl itself into the path of that final torpedo. He gave his life for ours.

• Batman : Fortunately, I was able to dispose of that bomb in the nick of time and shield myself behind these heavy iron pipes.

• Robin : Some luck, landing right on top of a bed of foam rubber!

  Batman : Yes, Robin. I'd say the odds against it would make even the most reckless gambler cringe. True, I did think I'd spotted it out of the corner of my eye.

• Batman : To the Batmobile! This could be the break we've been looking for!