- Simpson: I remember Sir George used to say "Whenever you hears the Bible quoted, look out cos it's most likely the devil himself!"
- [Smallwood is giving his first sermon to his new congregation]
- The Reverend John Smallwood: This town is full of people who *call* themselves Christians. But from what I've seen of it, I wouldn't mind taking a bet there aren't enough *real* Christians about to feed one decent lion.
- Simpson: Peoples who spends their whole time worried about the next life makes themselves a bloody nuisance in this one.
- Matthew: Just my mom. She had ten children - six girls and our boys - Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. My mom - she could never refuse anybody either.
- The Reverend John Smallwood: Well, what about your dad?
- Matthew: Oh, man, I don't know. We all had different fathers. But my mom used to say, "you're all good Christian children. You got the same father in heaven."
- The Reverend John Smallwood: It isn't the paying, it's the caring. That's what counts with God.
- Archdeacon Aspinall: I don't think there's any need to keep bringing God into this, Smallwood.
- The Reverend John Smallwood: Well, it's difficult to keep him out, especially when you're working for him like we are.
- Lady Despard: How is he doctrinally?
- Archdeacon Aspinall: Oh, middle of the road. Not too high, not too low.
- Lady Despard: Good! Sir George had such a horror of Roman practices.
- Lady Despard: Does he have any money of his own?
- Archdeacon Aspinall: Oh, yes.
- Lady Despard: Good. A poor parson's such an embarrassment.
- Lady Despard: Does he drink?
- Archdeacon Aspinall: An occasional glass of wine.
- Lady Despard: Well, that will be a welcomed change, after the last one.
- Archdeacon Aspinall: I can assure you, Lady Despard, Beecham was a teetotaler before he came to Orbiston Parva.
- [the previous vicar]
- Miss Palmer: Yes sir, archdeacon. Have a good time.
- Archdeacon Aspinall: It's rest I'm going for, Miss Palmer - rest. There's no good time for us.
- Archdeacon Aspinall: [Dictating a letter] Unhappily, I cannot be present at your institution and induction. I've been long overdoing it lately. My dear friend, Lord Butley, has kindly invited me to join his yacht at Monte Carlo for a short cruise. But I will certainly visit you soon after my return.
- Bishop: It's an unusual choice, but I suppose you could say there are certain precedents for choosing the humble.
- Lady Despard: And I can make you have 500 dozen eggs a week - to give away.
- Self-Service Store Manager: Give away? The head office would never touch an idea...
- Lady Despard: I've neve heard such nonsense. Every time I pass this shop you're advertising free gifts.
- Self-Service Store Manager: Ah, yes, that's not the same thing. That's incentive marketing. What you're suggesting is unfair trading. Couldn't do that.
- Leslie Hughes: [At the Rotary luncheon] Well, admittedly I'm looking at it from a retail business point of view, but the good neighbor business is beginning to cause some very real hardships.
- Rev. Owen Thomas: It's an absolute disgrace, Mr. President. A cheap, diabolical advertising stunt to entice members of other churches by, by offering free gifts.
- Sir Geoffrey Despard: At the rate you're going, my mother will soon be a pauper.
- The Reverend John Smallwood: I'd say you mother is richer now than she's ever been.
- Lady Despard: If it hadn't been for the Despards, the church would have fallen down years ago. Repairs to the tower. The damp rot in the battery, not to mention the dry rot in the pulpit.
- Leslie Hughes: [the milk company manager] But you couldn't do that. I mean, where's the profit? There's gotta be a profit somewhere - for someone.
- Lady Despard: I don't want to make a profit.
- Archdeacon Aspinall: As I explained to the bishop, his conduct certainly reveals some disquieting symptoms. An almost childlike simple-mindedness, for example. Uh, coupled with the most unhealthy exhibitionism.
- Rockeby: The Church has always had its quota of the psychologically abnormal. But... .in the past your chaps have made 'em saints. Heh, heh, heh, heh!
- The Reverend John Smallwood: Matthew, you come and sit here between Mrs. Smith-Gould and Major Fowler. Beauty on one side, brains on the other, and I'm not gonna say which is which.
- Archdeacon Aspinall: And lying the on the deck of Lord Butley's yacht, with the sun pouring down on my naked body, I suddenly realized how much easier it is for he rich to lead that truly simple life our Lord advocated.
- The Reverend John Smallwood: As this my first sermon, I think I ought to tell you that I am not a good Christian. But I want to be. So, I'm trying.
- Rockeby: [Examining the wrong Smallwood] Tell me, have you ever thought of undergoing treatment, Mr. Smallwood?
- The Other Smallwood: Treatment? Whatever for?
- Rockeby: Well, to get rid of this other Smallwood, forever. You'd like that to happen, wouldn't you?
- The Other Smallwood: Well, of course I would. But you said the bishop would put that right.
- Rockeby: Oh, yes, of course, of course, the bishop will put that right.
- [He packs his briefcase nervously to leave]
- The Other Smallwood: I really don't see how my undergoing treatment would help.
- The Reverend John Smallwood: It's not those people I'm worried about. I'm worried about you.
- Lady Despard: Me?
- The Reverend John Smallwood: Yes. You see, from a Christian point of view, you're in a bit of a fix, aren't you? I mean, we've all got a few weights to do on the way to heaven. But with the weight you're carrying, well, um, I'm worried whether you'll be there at the finish.
- Lady Despard: What exactly do you mean - the weight I'm carrying?
- The Reverend John Smallwood: Well, I was thinking of that bit about the rich and the eye of the needle.
- Archdeacon Aspinall: Now, come, come, Smallwood. Nowadays that passage is given a very different interpretation.
- The Reverend John Smallwood: Yes, I dare say.
- Lady Despard: Are you really telling me that because I'm rich, I might...
- [the scene switches to the kitchen where the Smith adults are arguing]
- Winnie Smith: ...go to hell.
- Rev. Owen Thomas: I tell you, it has to be nipped in the bud before we're in it up to our necks. Otherwise, every sinner in the place will be expecting a reward instead of the damnation he so richly deserves.
- Leslie Hughes: [Manager at the dairy company] Here, what's going on? You're another one that came back with a full load.
- Milkfloat Driver: We're flogging a dead cow, gov. It's all that good neighbor. They're all canceling their orders.
- Major Fowler: Good morning, Mrs. Despard. This is a pleasure. We don't often see you here.
- Lady Despard: Well, I simply had to come and have a look at the new vicar. I couldn't stand the last one.
- Sir Geoffrey Despard: [At meeting with Prime Minister] My business is crippled. The name "Tranquilax" stinks.
- Prime Minister: My dear chap, what's in a name? Change it. We've been doing that for years, when necessary. Tories. Unionists. Nationals. Conservatives. Same product. Same customers.
- The Reverend John Smallwood: [to the irate crowd of protestors] What you want, I can't give. And what you need, you don't want.