Sex Kittens Go to College (1960)
Mamie Van Doren: Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair
Photos
Quotes
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Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : ...which confirms the theory of relativity.
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Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : I'm so far out already, I'm on another planet.
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Dr. Myrtle Carter : It can't be true. Thirteen university degrees never looked like this!
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Just because the package is different, doesn't indicate the product's change.
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Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Is someone looking for me?
George Barton : I beg - your pardon.
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Beg my pardon? But, you haven't done anything yet. Or, are you the type that apologies first and acts later?
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Dr. Myrtle Carter : We wanted a teacher who could lead our students into the space age.
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : That's no problem, madam. When I blast off, I've got an escape velocity which gets me to my aphelion point practically instantaneously!
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Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Nothing is impossible in this day and age. Especially me. In fact, I'm one of the most possible people you'll ever meet.
Dr. Myrtle Carter : But, Dr. West is a genius!
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Just in somethings.
George Barton : And you're a - blonde!
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Dr. Myrtle Carter : Now, see what you've done!
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Done? I haven't even begun.
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Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Oh, if I could only get you on a couch for a couple of months. I just know we could iron out your problems!
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Woo Woo Grabowski : Where am I?
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : In good hands.
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Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : [enters a classroom, pulls out two revolvers, starts firing, students duck under their desks, stops firing, blows on the end of both barrels, holsters the guns into her tight skirt] Good morning, class. You've just seen a demonstration in applied psychology. The psychology of fear.
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Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : You and I are going to have a little talk about the facts of life.
Woo Woo Grabowski : Oh, ma'am.
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Now, you mustn't feel shy or self-conscious around me, Woo Woo.
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Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : I wish I could give you an hour a day on the couch.
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Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Don't worry. I'll get you over those little inhibitions of yours - if it takes everything I've got.
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Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : May have a definition in simple terms of the fourth dimension.
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Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : I can hardly help it if I was born with natural blonde hair and brown eyes and...
George Barton : A perfect complexion and figure.
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : That's a crime?
George Barton : Well, let's just say it incites the male to crime.
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Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Professor Watts and Professor Towers - they're even taking me to dinner tonight. We're going to have a faculty meeting in the Passion Pit.
George Barton : Dr. West, they're married.
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : I'm head of the department. We have to get to know one another sometime.
George Barton : But, in a nightclub?
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Prof. Harvey Watts : We have our own bathysphere down there. Perhaps you'd like to take a plunge with us sometime. We go quite a ways under the sea.
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : When I take a plunge, it's never in Atlantic City and rarely under the water.
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Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Chasing me is one thing. But, I assure you I'm one bird you don't catch by putting salt on it's tail.
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Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : I'm not out chasing after men.
Jody : Oh, well, you sure fix it so they chase after you, though.
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : I never lead any man on. I've never wanted anyone to be interested in anything but my mind.
Jody : You make every woman in the world feel - positively *flat*-chested. You're a menace, that's what you are. All I can say is, that if Woo Woo wants a woman with - built in water wings, he's welcome to her!
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Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Woo Woo is just a case history to me. Don't you understand? I'm a doctor 13 times over. I only look at him medically.
Jody : Well, that's not the way he looks at you. That's not the way *any* man looks at you.
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : My dear, a woman can't help being a woman.
Jody : Well, you don't have to be so darn *much* of a one. The race isn't dying out! You don't need to push it.
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Prof. Harvey Watts : You're going to love this, my dear. Simple home spun, country fun.
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : As long as we don't start ducking for apples. And I draw the line at spin-the-bottle too.
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Prof. Towers : I'm not a patella man myself. Knee caps do very little for me.
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Maybe you've never done anything for a knee cap.
Prof. Towers : Well, I've tried, goodness knows!
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Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : What do you feel about oral examinations, Professor? Do you find them - exciting?
Prof. Harvey Watts : Oh, I do, I do. I go to my dentist twice every year without fail.
[Dr. West rolls her eyes]
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Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Come along, Zorch, let's dance.
Wildcat MacPherson : Where I come from its a gentleman usually asks the lady to dance.
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Let's just say Zorch brings out the *beast* in me.
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Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : I'm way out, Daddy-O. I mean this is like the livin' end, man.
Wildcat MacPherson : Oh, quite a grasp of the vernacular. Tell me, you like this place? The nightclubs, I mean?
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Crazy. In fact, before I came here, I considered a place like this was my little home away from home.
Wildcat MacPherson : Oh?
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Dr. Ernest Zorch : Dr. Carter, she didn't want you to meet the Admiral.
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Oh, I'm not good enough to meet that human octopus!
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Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Perhaps you remember me? My professional name was Monclair.
Wildcat MacPherson : Monclair?
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : *Tassels* Monclair. Sometimes they just billed me as: Tassels.
Wildcat MacPherson : Tassels?
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : You know, I used to come out and wiggle my - tassel.
Wildcat MacPherson : The Tallahassee Torso Tosser!
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : You're almost on the ball, Daddy-O. The Tallahassee Tassel Tosser.
Wildcat MacPherson : Is there really a difference?
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : I tossed tassels in the biggest clubs in the country.
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Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : [hypnotizing Wildcat, Zorch, Watts and Towers] You are going to sleep. You are going to sleep. You will do what I tell you. You will do what I tell you. You will do what I tell you. You will do what I tell you. Watch my tassel. Watch my tassel. Watch my tassel. Watch my tassel. Watch my tassel! Watch my tassel! Sleep!
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Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : What a lovely timepiece, Admiral.
Wildcat MacPherson : Oh, I have quite a collection. Surprising, isn't it? A rough, tough man like me.
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Not at all. One look and I knew you were the kind to make time.
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Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Einstein. Einstein. Einstein. Einstein.
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George Barton : What are you trying to pull?
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Just a little experiment. If I've got the name, I might as well have the game.
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Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Give me a good roll on those skins, drummer boy. This is war and I'm off to wake up the troops!
Conway Twitty : Ladies and Gentlemen, The Tallahassee Tassel Tosser!
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Hit it, boys.
[singing]
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Baby, I'm wild about you, honey, Baby, I can't live without you, Baby, Do I love you? Yes I do, Oh, Daddy, I need your kisses, honey, Badly, I hate to miss 'em, Cause I'm madly, Madly in love with you, Well, every fella's, Got to have a girl, To tease him, Keep his poor heart going, In a whirl! To please him...
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Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Hey, Daddy-O!
Conway Twitty : Oh, hi ya, doll. What's the call?
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : You know "Baby," Daddy-O?
Conway Twitty : "Baby" - you mean that old country music hymn that come down from the dark ages?
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : That's it, man. Blast it out for me and I'll light up the sky.
Conway Twitty : What did you say your name was, doll?
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Tassels. The Tallahassee Tassel Tosser.
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Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : I've always wanted to be a teacher. I think its the noblest profession in the world. That and medicine.
George Barton : Maybe you should try that.
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Oh, I did! But, my anatomy kept getting out of hand. I thought coming here everything would be - different.
George Barton : You know, you are a bit much for a growing boy to face at 9am every morning.
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Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : I'm afraid, Mr. Barton, I've been wrong.
George Barton : Well, I've never heard any woman admit that before.
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Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Mr Barton, do you find me - desirable?
George Barton : Minus the conga drum - yes!
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : That's my tragedy, Mr. Barton.
George Barton : Call me - George.
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Even Thinko. When I asked him what he thought. Look.
[shows George the computer printout]
George Barton : "Like wow"?
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : [Dr. West shakes her head yes] Oh, I've tried sloppy sweaters, loose girdles, straight hair. Nothing seems to work. I'm still me.
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Legs Raffertino : It's got to be you. We know who you are, Tassels. You're the only one around here with enough brains to run this racket.
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Racket? What racket?
Legs Raffertino : Don't play it cute, baby. The bookie racket. What else?
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Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : I've learned something. Thinko is not meant to be a bookie and I'm not meant to be a professor of science. I must accept myself as I am.
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Dr. Ernest Zorch : Who else has proposed?
Dr. Mathilda West - aka Tassels Monclair : Thinko.
Dr. Ernest Zorch : Thinko? That's impossible. The mechanical differences alone. I know of a secondhand, very cute, little IBM calculating machine in Rochester. Now, they'd work hand in glove. Just fine.