Always Leave Them Laughing (1949)

Milton Berle: Kipling 'Kip' Cooper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Monte Wilson : [Checking out Kip's suit]  Very conservative.

  Kipling 'Kip' Cooper : Conservative? Why it could be elected on a Republican ticket without anyone in it.

• Kipling 'Kip' Cooper : Datin' you is like datin' J. Edgar Hoover!

• Kipling 'Kip' Cooper : [to the audience]  This young lady I'm about to introduce is the very beautiful coloratura soprano, Madame Rosee. Here she is.

  Madame Rosée : [Comes on stage irately]  It's about time. I was a young girl when this first started.

  Kipling 'Kip' Cooper : You'll never live to be as old as you look.

• Kipling 'Kip' Cooper : [On stage talking to a trained seal]  Say hello to the audience. Come on. Greet them. Greet the audience. Applaud, applaud, applaud.

  [the seal flaps his fins] 

  Kipling 'Kip' Cooper : No adlibbing. You know what happened to your sister. She became a coat for $69.50.

  [the seal starts to leave the stage] 

  Kipling 'Kip' Cooper : Go ahead get off. I'll give you a shot in the head. If you had any class you woulda been a mink.

• Julie Adams : It's about time!

  Kipling 'Kip' Cooper : I had to warm 'em up, didn't I? Did you hear me kill 'em?

  Julie Adams : What kid of anesthetic were you using?

• Kipling 'Kip' Cooper : Hiya, Danny. Hiya, Wally. Hiya, Joe. Hey, Danny, what's new?

  Danny : Not your jokes.

  Kipling 'Kip' Cooper : Oh, that's clever. I wish I had said that.

  Danny : You will.

• Fay Washburn : I heard you were a big hit last night.

  Kipling 'Kip' Cooper : [Nursing a black eye]  You're right. They never missed me once.

• Kipling 'Kip' Cooper : I don't get you, Fay. Yesterday I walked out on you and today you're patching me up and finding me jobs.

  Fay Washburn : I'm running a one-woman mission.

  Kipling 'Kip' Cooper : Throw away your tambourine. I'm not worth saving. Kip Kipling, the All-American heel.

• Kipling 'Kip' Cooper : The trouble with my family is I'm the only success in it. And I'm a failure.

• Fay Washburn : Kip, I hope you didn't think I was giving you the rush act.

  Kipling 'Kip' Cooper : I don't know what to think. Look, honey, we got a good thing. Let's keep it simple, huh?

  Fay Washburn : I'm not complaining.

  Kipling 'Kip' Cooper : Then don't. This is me, Fay. For better or for worse. Great line, huh?

  Fay Washburn : Yeah. Great in a marriage ceremony.

  Kipling 'Kip' Cooper : Honey, I'm doing a single because I like to work alone. I got things to do. Let me make a name first. Then we'll talk about the Mr. and Mrs. routine.

  Fay Washburn : Keep punching. You're getting to me.

• Eddie Eagen : You're on your way up, Kip. They're probably shining a star for you right now. I just want to remind you there's a great tradition behind you.

  Kipling 'Kip' Cooper : Why sure. That's how I started in the first place when I was a kid. Watching the great comics work.

• Eddie Eagen : [In the hospital]  You know this is the best house I ever played? The critic on the Medical Journal gave me four stethoscopes.

  Kipling 'Kip' Cooper : Say, eh, you've got a great little wife here, Eddie.

  Eddie Eagen : So she keeps telling me.

• Nancy Eagen : You've got a whole career all cut out for you.

  Kipling 'Kip' Cooper : I can step right into Eddie's shoes, eh?

  Nancy Eagen : Exactly.

  Kipling 'Kip' Cooper : Can I count on you in all the shows?

  Nancy Eagen : If you want me.

  Kipling 'Kip' Cooper : The trouble is I don't want you. I don't want you any more than you wanted Eddie.

  Nancy Eagen : What right do you have to say a thing like that?

  Kipling 'Kip' Cooper : You're a money player, Nancy. I'm getting wise. But this time there isn't any payoff. Get yourself another meal ticket.

• Kipling 'Kip' Cooper : [Hearing the door buzzer]  Monty, if that's someone with a television offer, tell 'em I'm not interest. Television will never catch on.

• Kipling 'Kip' Cooper : From now on I'm standing on my own two feet. My name may never light up Broadway, but at least I'll be playin' Kip Cooper!

  Nancy Eagen : You're the only one I know who'd take the part!

  [throws her drink right in his face] 

  Kipling 'Kip' Cooper : Thanks, I needed that drink.

  [wipes his face with his handkerchief and walks out] 

• Kipling 'Kip' Cooper : [singing with Fay and chorus girls on stage]  Always leave them laughing, this old tired earth, sure could use a hunk of that mirth, for a while... Always leave them laughing, 'cuz if you leave them laughing, they'll always think of you and smile.

  Kipling 'Kip' Cooper : [Kisses Fay, then turns to the camera, mugging it up]  Whee, Whee, wow, wow, wow, wow! This must be the place!

• Kipling 'Kip' Cooper : [simperingly, about to play "Miss Otis Regrets"]  You will let me play it for you, won't you?