Hired Wife (1940)
Robert Benchley: Roger Van Horn
Quotes
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Stephen Dexter : Who thought up this unsavory scheme?
Kendal Browning : What's so unsavory about my being your house guest?
Roger Van Horn : Well, then treat her as a boarder. You two don't have to act married, unless somebody's looking.
Stephen Dexter : But think of the position it puts me in!
Kendal Browning : 'We Dexters prefer death to dishonor.' Well, what about me? What am I going to tell my husband?
Stephen Dexter : Huh?
Kendal Browning : Not you. The good one I'm going to marry next.
Roger Van Horn : Well, have it your own way. I advise you to grit your teeth and go through with it.
Stephen Dexter : No!
Kendal Browning : No!
Roger Van Horn : Very well, very well. If that's your attitude, I will see you in the bankrupcy courts. Goodbye, prudes!
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Roger Van Horn : Hey, which one of you bought a cockatoo?
Stephen Dexter : Huh?
Kendal Browning : Oh, I did. My old one died.
Roger Van Horn : One cockatoo, charged off to living expenses. Yep.
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Stephen Dexter : You had a nightcap, didn't you?
Roger Van Horn : I had several, and what's it to you?
Stephen Dexter : Well, it proves my point. I didn't. And I bet you wouldn't feel the way you look if you followed my example.
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Roger Van Horn : All you've got to do is marry someone. It doesn't make any difference who she is or what she is. Of course, it would be better if she was a girl you could trust. But all she's really got to do is say, '"I do."
Stephen Dexter : [Roger and Stephen both look at Kendal] Kendall, whatta you say?
Kendal Browning : I do.
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Roger Van Horn : Well, Kendal, you better go home and start parking.
Stephen Dexter : You going away?
Kendal Browning : Oh, heh, your attorney advised me to move.
Stephen Dexter : Move? Where?
Kendal Browning : Your house.
Stephen Dexter : My house? My house!
Roger Van Horn : Naturally your house, your house. Would Kendal move into my house, my house?
Stephen Dexter : She's capable of anything.
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Stephen Dexter : Roger, get me a divorce.
Roger Van Horn : You mind waiting until morning?
Stephen Dexter : How soon can I get one?
Roger Van Horn : Well, is Kendal willing?
Kendal Browning : Uh, no.
Roger Van Horn : Well, if she fights...
Kendal Browning : She will.
Roger Van Horn : Then it'll take years.
Stephen Dexter : Years?
Roger Van Horn : Five years. You're best chance is to disappear and be given up for dead. Course, it's just a curbstone opinion.
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Roger Van Horn : [after Kendal makes a racket to wake him up] Hey, cut that out. I'm asleep.
Kendal Browning : [to Stephen, pointing to Roger in the window above] Ask grandma - he was in the house all night.
Roger Van Horn : Oh, go to bed.