- It would be spiteful to put a Jellyfish in a trifle.
- [on Gremlins (1984)] What are those things in Gremlins called?
- A dog has got human eyes
- They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else drown it out at the time?
- "People who live in a glass house have to answer the door." ~ Karl invents his own phrase based on 'Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.'
- Stay green, stay in the woods, and stay safe. ~ Karl's advice to chameleons
- A slug is always on its own. It's a lonely insect.
- I scored once, and that's only because I was being chased by a bee. ~ Karl's most vivid memory of playing football at school
- Why didn't evolution give them genes to make them good at carpentry then, so they could build a ladder instead of growing long necks? ~ on the the evolution of the giraffe
- [on whether his personality is real] People ask that about An Idiot Abroad (2010). They go, "Are you really like that?" And I am. But they've got to remember is that it's an edited program, innit? So I'm away for nine days, and probably... I don't know how many hours of film that is, but at the end of the day, it's edited down to, like, 45 minutes or something. So there's times when I watch it back and I think, "God..." But then I think about it, and I go, "Well, that's 45 minutes out of hours and hours." I'm pretty sure if I walked around with you and filmed you, and then somebody edited it down, I could either make you look like Stephen Hawking or make you look like... me.
- [on whether his personality is real] Yeah, it's me. But I think what doesn't help is the title that Ricky came up with. You know, the fact that it's called An Idiot Abroad (2010) is annoying, 'cause people on the street, they'll sort of go, "Oh, it's the idiot!" Which isn't great. That isn't a dream come true. I never wanted that. But it's just because that's the name of the group. Like, if people see Ricky...or, like, before he was more known, it'd be like if they said, "Oh, look, it's the bloke from The Office (2001)." They're just going with the name that they know. It's just annoying that I have to be in a program with "idiot" in the title, so they go, "There's the idiot!"
- People think that I'm an actor called Graham. I wish I was.
- [on dopplegangers] How would I know which one I was?
- If you can't look a knob in the face there's something wrong.
- The Chinese, they don't age well. You never see a sort of 35 year old one. Well, they're good looking when they're young but they age overnight. They're like a pear.
- The reason I did the book about holidays is that you're a different person on holiday. You're sleeping somewhere unfamiliar, knocking about with people you've never met and for 10 days you're someone else. You're out of your comfortable zone.
- I found that being with happy positive people annoys me.
- People who live in a glass house have to answer the door.
- I'd rather live in a cave with a view of a palace than live in a palace with a view of a cave.
- The other day I was thinking - because I get a lot of headaches - I was wondering whether the head should be where it is. Because, at the end of the day, it's probably the heaviest part of your body, right? And yet it's at the top as opposed to, I don't, dangling at the bottom somewhere.
- I've never understood the 'things to do before you die' idea. If I was ill, I'd be in no mood to have a swim with a dolphin.
- When I go on holiday and people ask me what I do, I tell them I do some internet stuff and I've done a couple of books and I hope they just leave it at that.
- But I'm not an idiot. At the end of the day, I've learned a lot.
- That's the problem with having a bald head. It exaggerates the shape.
- I've done some luxury flying, which is brilliant. It has only happened once or twice, but it was nice because flying is the worst part of the holiday. But then again, if the plane crashes, you're still dead. For that much money I'd want a little capsule that whizzed me off to safety if it was going to crash.
- And we've got a toaster and everything. So there is no reason for the wedding.
- I'd say the best is when I was in Africa, I saw a hippo in a house. Someone had a pet hippo. And they're meant to be one of the most dangerous animals on the planet, and they had one that was sort of just wandering in and out of their house, just sort of roaming about.
- I just sort of go along and say what I think -and that's all you can do in life, really.
- Being honest with you, it's not the 'great' wall of China. It's an all right wall. It's the 'All Right Wall of China.'
- If you sit in a bath of pineapple chunks, it can kill you. That's well documented.
- It's like there's some unwritten rule that if you're mates, you can say what you want to each other, and you don't really get that annoyed about it.
- I don't know what the future is, but you just do it whilst it's there, don't you?
- I'm not that lazy, but I don't need that much money. I lead a fairly simple life.
- Yesterday, I did some painting then went out to buy an onion and came home and watched 'University Challenge.' The onion was probably the highlight.
- Me mum used to always have the radio on - even now she has it on in every room. Me girlfriend sort of blames that reason for me not doing that well at school - constant noise, really.
- I say have the night and give people the awards, but why do people want to watch people win awards? What are they getting out of it? I don't quite get it. Because they have awards all the time; there's awards for butchers, the best meat served, but they don't televise it. I don't know why they do it for films or TV programs.
- People eat duck and you think, well, we've got loads of chickens, leave the ducks alone!
- Parrots have gone a bit quiet since pirates have gone.
- It's not a joke: I really do like being at home.
- Getting old is better than being young. You can do what you want to do.
- It's not easy keeping a diary. You have to be pretty committed.
- I sometimes wonder how we're short of cod. There's gonna be a load deep down that are hiding. But it's a good reason to put the price up, and it means a load of people will have haddock. They should tell people they're running out of all sorts. Make 'em panic a bit.
- People always tell me I'm going to regret not having kids. But what if I have one and then I regret having it? Has anyone thought of that option?
- With evolution, things are always changing, so I sort of think: Should we all be growing three heads?
- I think it's a problem when something's a dream because it'll never live up to your expectations. It's better to go somewhere thinking it'll be horrible, and then be pleasantly surprised.
- I had a bad experience doing public speaking at school. I had to talk about a pen for five minutes and it was really hard work. I couldn't wait to get off the stage.
- We'll all die out eventually. Humans will be gone. And all I'm saying is, when people worry about polar bears disappearing or whatever, it's like, 'Well that's life, things will come and go, we'll find new species.'
- You know, when you're a producer, you're a bit of a lackey. You're just making cups of tea and making sure they've got newspaper, stuff like that.
- Who'd have thought the Frisbee would have caught on?
- You can only live to be so old, then you gotta let go.
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