The Motion Pictures I Have Seen (In no particular order)
All the movies I remember viewing at any point in my life.
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- DirectorJohn McTiernanStarsBruce WillisAlan RickmanBonnie BedeliaA New York City police officer tries to save his estranged wife and several others taken hostage by terrorists during a Christmas party at the Nakatomi Plaza in Los Angeles.I love this movie. Simultaneously a great action film and a great satire of action films. Rightfully made Bruce Willis a superstar. I can quote most of the movie. 10/10
- DirectorRenny HarlinStarsBruce WillisWilliam AthertonBonnie BedeliaJohn McClane attempts to avert disaster as rogue military operatives seize control of Dulles International Airport in Washington, D.C....And the sequel shall come to wreck what once was good. Barely passable. 5/10
- DirectorJohn McTiernanStarsBruce WillisJeremy IronsSamuel L. JacksonJohn McClane and a Harlem store owner are targeted by German terrorist Simon in New York City, where he plans to rob the Federal Reserve Building.A minor improvement over the second Die Hard. Very minor improvement. Has a sort of Jaws: The Revenge type of 'Remember how good the first movie was?' flashback sequence. 5/10
- DirectorJohn PasquinStarsTim AllenJudge ReinholdWendy CrewsonWhen a man inadvertently makes Santa fall off his roof on Christmas Eve, he finds himself magically recruited to take his place.Fun-enough kids' Christmas movie. I never understood why Bernard got to be the only grouchy elf. 6/10
- DirectorJohn LasseterStarsTom HanksTim AllenDon RicklesA cowboy doll is profoundly threatened and jealous when a new spaceman action figure supplants him as top toy in a boy's bedroom.A landmark movie. Still enjoyable. Phenomenal voice acting. 10/10
- DirectorJohn LasseterAsh BrannonLee UnkrichStarsTom HanksTim AllenJoan CusackWhen Woody is stolen by a toy collector, Buzz and his friends set out on a rescue mission to save Woody before he becomes a museum toy property with his roundup gang Jessie, Prospector, and Bullseye.A lesser movie than the original, but still high-quality in its own right. 8/10
- DirectorLee UnkrichStarsTom HanksTim AllenJoan CusackThe toys are mistakenly delivered to a day-care center instead of the attic right before Andy leaves for college, and it's up to Woody to convince the other toys that they weren't abandoned and to return home.The stunning conclusion to the most consistently great film trilogy of all time. 9/10
- DirectorJ.J. AbramsStarsChris PineZachary QuintoSimon PeggThe brash James T. Kirk tries to live up to his father's legacy with Mr. Spock keeping him in check as a vengeful Romulan from the future creates black holes to destroy the Federation one planet at a time.A fun reboot. Action, humor, and some genuine pathos. Surprisingly well cast. 8/10
- DirectorJames WhaleStarsColin CliveMae ClarkeBoris KarloffDr Henry Frankenstein is obsessed with assembling a living being from parts of several exhumed corpses.An old-timey horror classic. It's not scary or shocking at all by today's standards, but it's still a grim tale with iconic moments. 8/10
- DirectorJames WhaleStarsBoris KarloffElsa LanchesterColin CliveMary Shelley reveals the main characters of her novel survived: Baron Henry Frankenstein, goaded by an even madder scientist, builds his monster a mate.Possibly superior to the original. The Bride is barely in the movie! Still iconic and fun to watch. 8/10
- DirectorRowland V. LeeStarsBoris KarloffBasil RathboneBela LugosiReturning to the ancestral castle long after the death of the monster, the son of Dr. Frankenstein meets a mad shepherd who is hiding the comatose creature. To clear the family name, he revives the creature and tries to rehabilitate him.Actually pretty good, but following in the wake of superior installments in the series. Worth a watch for fans of horror. 7/10
- DirectorMerian C. CooperErnest B. SchoedsackStarsFay WrayRobert ArmstrongBruce CabotA film crew goes to a tropical island for a location shoot, where they capture a colossal ape who takes a shine to their blonde starlet, and bring him back to New York City.One of the greatest movies ever made. Kong is a really imaginative stunner and should be required viewing for children after age 6. 10/10
- DirectorJohn GuillerminStarsJeff BridgesCharles GrodinJessica LangeA petroleum exploration expedition comes to an isolated island and encounters a colossal giant gorilla.A messy, sometimes cheesy remake that should have probably never been taken on. Still sometimes enjoyable. 5/10
- DirectorPeter JacksonStarsNaomi WattsJack BlackAdrien BrodyA greedy film producer assembles a team of moviemakers and sets out for the infamous Skull Island, where they find more than just cannibalistic natives.A King Kong love letter, this is too long, has a few scenes of unconvincing CGI, and some questionable camera slow-mo. However, it is still King Kong. 7/10
- DirectorJohn GuillerminCharles McCrackenStarsBrian KerwinLinda HamiltonPeter ElliottKong falls from the twin towers and he appears to be alive. However, his heart is failing, so it's replaced with an artificial one. All is well until he senses that there's a female Kong somewhere out there and escapes wreaking havoc.A silly sequel to the 1976 version. Kind of enjoyably bad. 4/10
- DirectorErnest B. SchoedsackStarsRobert ArmstrongHelen MackFrank ReicherThe showman who brought Kong to New York returns to Skull Island and finds Kong's son, a spunky 12-footer with a winning personality and his dad's awesome strength.A fun but sad trip back to Kong's tropics. More irreverent than the parent picture and suffering from rushed production. Still worth a viewing from fans of the original. 7/10
- DirectorSeth GordonStarsSteve WiebeBilly MitchellMark AlpigerDie-hard gamers compete to break world records on classic arcade games.An entertaining documentary, partially because it chooses a side, like most entertaining documentaries. 7/10
- DirectorErnest B. SchoedsackStarsTerry MooreBen JohnsonRobert ArmstrongA young woman who has raised a giant gorilla from an infant brings him to Hollywood years later seeking her fortune.A dream pairing of Willis O'Brien and Ray Harryhausen, albeit at the very beginning of Harryhausen's career. Loads of fun for all ages. 8/10
- DirectorIshirô HondaStarsRhodes ReasonMie HamaLinda MillerThe evil Dr. Who captures King Kong to dig for Element X when his robot duplicate, Mechani-Kong, is unable to do the job, but Kong soon escapes and battles his doppelganger.Better than King Kong Lives. Silly 1960s monster flick. 6/10
- DirectorPatrick LussierStarsGerard ButlerJustine WaddellJonny Lee MillerA group of thieves breaks into a chamber expecting to find paintings, but instead they release the count himself, who travels to New Orleans to find his nemesis' daughter, Mary Van Helsing.Goofy and dim Dracula flick where the Count is blonde and held captive through much of the movie. My guess is they wanted to translate Dracula into a Hannibal Lecter type of villain. Pass. 4/10
- DirectorPeter ManoogianStarsTracy ScogginsBentley MitchumDaniel CernyA pregnant policewoman, her quarry, and an innocent delivery boy become trapped in a haunted toy warehouse.Either so bad it's good or so bad it's bad. It's not for everyone. 4/10
- DirectorJan de BontStarsKeanu ReevesDennis HopperSandra BullockA young police officer must prevent a bomb exploding aboard a city bus by keeping its speed above 50 mph.An often thrilling but sometimes silly Keanu Reeves vehicle. More fun to watch than not. 7/10
- DirectorRoger SpottiswoodeStarsBen JohnsonJamie Lee CurtisHart BochnerThree years after a prank went terribly awry, the six college students responsible are targeted by a masked killer at a New Year's Eve party aboard a moving train.Jamie Lee Curtis in full-blown scream queen mode. This is probably for dedicated slasher fans only. 5/10
- DirectorJohn CarpenterStarsDonald PleasenceJamie Lee CurtisTony MoranFifteen years after murdering his sister on Halloween night 1963, Michael Myers escapes from a mental hospital and returns to the small town of Haddonfield, Illinois to kill again.The best boogeyman movie I've seen yet. A highly recommended slasher picture. 8/10
- DirectorRick RosenthalStarsJamie Lee CurtisDonald PleasenceCharles CyphersWhile Dr. Loomis hunts for Michael Myers, a traumatized Laurie is rushed to Haddonfield Memorial Hospital, and The Shape is not far behind her.Greatly inferior to the first movie, but notable for some violent deaths and the breasts of Nurse Karen. 6/10
- DirectorDwight H. LittleStarsDonald PleasenceEllie CornellDanielle HarrisTen years after his original massacre, the invalid Michael Myers awakens on Halloween Eve and returns to Haddonfield to kill his seven-year-old niece. Can Dr. Loomis stop him?A fun return for Mikey. It has some preposterous points, such as the death by shotgun impalement, but it's a good cut-'em-up. 7/10
- DirectorDominique Othenin-GirardStarsDonald PleasenceDanielle HarrisEllie CornellOne year after the events of Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988), the Shape returns to Haddonfield once again in an attempt to kill his now-mute niece.The series starts slipping away again, but this installment is good enough to watch, especially for slasher fans. 5/10
- DirectorJoe ChappelleStarsDonald PleasencePaul RuddMarianne HaganSix years after Michael Myers last terrorized Haddonfield, he returns there in pursuit of his niece, Jamie Lloyd, who has escaped with her newborn child, for which Michael and a mysterious cult have sinister plans.At this point, the franchise officially slips away. Never mind all the differing versions of the film, it's not good no matter what (though one bootleg I saw was better than the official version). This movie stretches too far, both in terms of kills and plot lines. Donald Pleasence is a treat, though. 3/10
- DirectorRob ZombieStarsScout Taylor-ComptonMalcolm McDowellTyler ManeAfter being committed for 15 years, Michael Myers, now a grown man and still very dangerous, escapes from the mental institution and immediately returns to Haddonfield to find his baby sister, Laurie.Not a bad version of the story. At least Rob Zombie altered the tale. 6/10
- DirectorWes CravenStarsHeather LangenkampJohnny DeppRobert EnglundTeenager Nancy Thompson must uncover the dark truth concealed by her parents after she and her friends become targets of the spirit of a serial killer with a bladed glove in their dreams, in which if they die, it kills them in real life.A terrifying film. Freddy Krueger is a horror film icon. 9/10
- DirectorSamuel BayerStarsJackie Earle HaleyRooney MaraKyle GallnerThe spectre of a disfigured man haunts the children of the parents who murdered him, stalking and killing them in their dreams.A mediocre retelling. It's only noteworthy for one Freddy joke. 3/10
- DirectorRonny YuStarsRobert EnglundKen KirzingerKelly RowlandFreddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees return to terrorize the teenagers of Elm Street. Only this time, they're out to get each other, too.A good old-fashioned monster rumble, complete with a dumb script and comical fights. 5/10
- DirectorSean S. CunninghamStarsBetsy PalmerAdrienne KingJeannine TaylorA group of teenage camp counselors attempt to re-open an abandoned summer camp with a tragic past, but they are stalked by a mysterious, relentless killer.Really, this is an overrated slasher flick. Not useless, but not essential. 6/10
- DirectorAdrian LyneStarsJennifer BealsMichael NouriLilia SkalaAn 18-year-old female amateur dancer who performs nightly at a dancing bar, and works as a welder during the day, dreams of joining the Pittsburgh ballet school.This is the tale of a Pittsburgh steelworker who moonlights as a dancer in the local club. Have you the seen the music video for 'Flashdance...What a Feeling' by Irene Cara? Spoiler Alert: it tells the story of the entire film. Vapid, pointless, and partially redeemed by its outstanding songs. The title is my go to trivia answer (when I have no idea what the answer is). 5/10
- DirectorJames CameronStarsLeonardo DiCaprioKate WinsletBilly ZaneA seventeen-year-old aristocrat falls in love with a kind but poor artist aboard the luxurious, ill-fated R.M.S. Titanic.Yeah, it's corny. And yeah, it's long. And yeah, the protagonists say each other's first names about 3,000 times, but I'll be damned if this isn't a good movie. The entire sinking sequence is too cool to pass up. 8/10
- DirectorRonald NeameStarsGene HackmanErnest BorgnineShelley WintersA group of passengers must embark on a harrowing struggle for survival after a rogue wave capsizes their cruise ship at sea.When I was a tween, I really loved this picture. Like, I REALLY loved it. I can't really explain why that is, but it is a quality adventure story with a better-than-needed cast. 9/10
- DirectorIrwin AllenStarsWalter PidgeonJoan FontaineBarbara EdenWhen the Earth is threatened by a burning Van Allen Radiation Belt, U.S. Navy Admiral Harriman Nelson plans to shoot a nuclear missile at the Belt, using his experimental atomic submarine, the Seaview.Peter Lorre. Need I say more. OK, well it has a giant cuttlefish attack and a burning sky, plus some espionage kind of intrigue, so it's recommended for viewing. 7/10
- DirectorRichard FleischerStarsKirk DouglasJames MasonPaul LukasA ship sent to investigate a wave of mysterious sinkings encounters the advanced submarine, the Nautilus, commanded by Captain Nemo.The terror of the giant squid attack scarred me as a child. I don't think the overall product is as good as I remember, but it deserves points for bringing this classic story to life as best they could in the 1950s. 8/10
- DirectorJohn HustonStarsGregory PeckRichard BasehartLeo GennThe sole survivor of a lost whaling ship relates the tale of his captain's self-destructive obsession to hunt the white whale, Moby Dick.As films that exploit my great fear of sea creatures go, this is high on the list. Plus, it has Gregory Peck. Take THAT Piranha 3-D. The climax will horrify me to the end of my days. 8/10
- DirectorGregory WidenStarsChristopher WalkenElias KoteasVirginia MadsenAt the scene of a bizarre murder, L.A. homicide detective Thomas Dagget discovers a lethal heavenly prophecy now being fulfilled on earth. In his fight to stop the forces of evil, he finds an unlikely ally in an elementary school teacher.A surprisingly good thriller, even if it isn't terribly thrilling. It has more of a creeping menace, with Christopher Walken as an unstoppable angel. Good cast overall. 6/10
- DirectorGreg SpenceStarsChristopher WalkenRussell WongJennifer BealsWhen the powers of good and evil again descend to Earth in a battle over mankind, the only hope for survival is the unborn child of an innocent woman. With the help of a mysterious stranger, she races to protect her child and save mankind.The inferior sequel, but with a decent amount of menace and some interesting casting, particularly Brittany Murphy. 5/10
- DirectorMichael SchultzStarsMario Van PeeblesHolly Robinson PeeteMichael J. PaganBank robbers on the run from the police invade a mansion and take the owners hostage.Somewhat suspenseful, surprisingly enough. Ultimately too bland to recommend for viewing. 4/10
- DirectorSteven SpielbergStarsRoy ScheiderRobert ShawRichard DreyfussWhen a killer shark unleashes chaos on a beach community off Cape Cod, it's up to a local sheriff, a marine biologist, and an old seafarer to hunt the beast down.I suppose I should hate this movie, for upon seeing it as a child, I developed a lifelong fear of sea creatures. I think it just testifies to this film's effectiveness. 10/10
- DirectorJeannot SzwarcStarsRoy ScheiderLorraine GaryMurray HamiltonPolice chief Brody must protect the citizens of Amity after a second monstrous shark begins terrorizing the waters.I used to think this was a terrible movie - a scourge on the name of Jaws. Further viewing leads me to believe it is merely not good. Compared to what would follow in the franchise, it is a masterpiece. 5/10
- DirectorJoe AlvesStarsDennis QuaidBess ArmstrongSimon MacCorkindaleA giant thirty-five-foot shark becomes trapped in a SeaWorld theme park and it's up to the sons of police chief Brody to rescue everyone.Jaws 3 is much better viewed as a comedy. Reasons why? A 35-foot shark that swims backwards, Lea Thompson's Kool-Aid-filled leg, that "*beep* yo' raft!" part, shark vs. dolphin, and the entire, hilarious climax. 3/10
- DirectorJoseph SargentStarsLorraine GaryLance GuestMario Van PeeblesChief Brody's widow believes that her family is deliberately being targeted by another shark in search of revenge.Ugh. You know those barrels they used to wear down the shark in the first film? This is what must be at the bottom of those barrels. Roger Ebert's review of this rubbish is more entertaining than this ludicrous, terrible movie. 1/10
- DirectorLamberto BavaStarsMichael SopkiwValentine MonnierGianni GarkoA marine biologist, a dolphin trainer, a research scientist, and a local sheriff try to hunt down a large sea monster, a shark/octopus hybrid, that is devouring swimmers and fishermen off a south Florida coast.Half shark, half octopus, and all bad. Or something like that. Italians pretend they are Floridians. This does have a few amusing moments - such as one hapless dude's decapitation - but it is best viewed with Mike and the bots. 3/10
- DirectorJim MallonStarsTrace BeaulieuMichael J. NelsonJim MallonMike Nelson and his robot companions watch and give their comments about This Island Earth (1955).While a good introduction to the show, it is curiously shorter than a normal episode, features a not-terrible movie, and offers little to make it stand out from a typical MST3K episode. What's more ironic, a show about bad movies making a good movie, or a show about bad movies making a bad movie? 7/10
- DirectorAlex ProyasStarsBrandon LeeMichael WincottRochelle DavisA man brutally murdered comes back to life as an undead avenger of his and his fiancée's murder.A good-enough gothic hero film with a great soundtrack. 7/10
- DirectorTim PopeStarsVincent PerezMia KirshnerRichard BrooksThe spirit of the Crow resurrects another man seeking revenge for the murder of his son.A not good-enough hero film, with no real gothic feel or even an explanation as to why Vincent Perez's character would wear the same makeup as the first Crow hero. The soundtrack is a step down too, though still decent. 3/10
- DirectorSteven E. de SouzaStarsJean-Claude Van DammeRaul JuliaMing-Na WenIn the midst of a civil war in South East Asia, a general intensifies the climate of violence by kidnapping 63 UN delegates. To free the hostages, a colonel leads a group of fighters, who will have to use all their skills to be successful.As a youth, I was quite excited to see this film. Hell, I wasn't really that disappointed. In hindsight, it's a silly movie, but it has its moments. Some of the best spots are for comedy, and Raul Julia was almost always fun. But Blanka was lame, and there was - unsurprisingly - zero character development. 5/10
- DirectorPeter HyamsStarsJean-Claude Van DammeMia SaraRon SilverMax Walker, an officer for a security agency that regulates time travel, must fend for his life against a shady politician who's intent on changing the past to control the future.Timecop is your usual JCVD action flick: silly lines, no character development, lots of kicks. It's not a terrible movie, just for action fans only. 5/10
- DirectorJohn WooStarsJean-Claude Van DammeLance HenriksenYancy ButlerA woman hires a drifter as her guide through New Orleans in search of her missing father. In the process, they discover a deadly game of cat and mouse behind his disappearance.Hard Target is a step above many of Van Damme's other films. That's not saying it's particularly good, but Lance Henriksen plays a good baddie, and The Muscle's mullet is more kickin' than his feet. 6/10
- DirectorMichael SchultzStarsTaimakVanityChristopher MurneyIn New York City, a young man searches for a Master to obtain the final level of martial arts mastery known as the Glow.An '80s treasure, The Last Dragon is more fun than a barrel of monkeys. Imagine Purple Rain meets Enter the Dragon. This ain't The Karate Kid. It's cheesy '80s glory with great tunes and Vanity's coked-up performance. Plus...Sho Nuff!!! 9/10
- DirectorMel GibsonStarsMel GibsonSophie MarceauPatrick McGoohanScottish warrior William Wallace leads his countrymen in a rebellion to free his homeland from the tyranny of King Edward I of England.Historically inaccurate, it'll still make you want to cry "Freedom!!" 7/10
- DirectorRob CohenStarsDennis QuaidSean ConneryDina MeyerThe last dragon and a disillusioned dragonslaying Knight must cooperate to stop an evil King, who was given partial immortality.I guess the Sean Connery-voiced dragon (named Draco...how cool) is OK, but this is a mundane movie that is neither a serious film nor a frothy popcorn flick. It could have really used more dragons and less Dennis Quaid. 4/10
- DirectorDon ChaffeyDon BluthStarsSean MarshallHelen ReddyJim DaleAn orphan boy and his magical dragon come to town with his abusive adoptive parents in pursuit.Mean people exploit nice things. That's basically every Disney story from 1960 to 1990. Still, Pete's Dragon has its moments, and kids will probably like it. 6/10
- DirectorJack SholderStarsRobert EnglundMark PattonKim MyersA teenage boy is haunted in his dreams by deceased child murderer Freddy Krueger, who is out to possess him in order to continue his reign of terror in the real world.Totally inferior to the first film, Freddy's Revenge is mostly notable for its idiotic 'combusting bird' scene and the knuckle-dragging explanations that follow it. 4/10
- DirectorStephen HerekStarsKeanu ReevesAlex WinterGeorge CarlinTwo rock-'n-rolling teens, on the verge of failing their class, set out on a quest to make the ultimate school history report after being presented with a time machine.If you expect this to be witty, then maybe YOU need help on your school projects. Dumb fun with Socrates Johnson and Bob Genghis Khan. It's smarter than it wants to be. 8/10
- DirectorPeter HewittStarsKeanu ReevesAlex WinterWilliam SadlerA tyrant from the future creates evil android doubles of Bill and Ted and sends them back to eliminate the originals.The dark sequel (with the triumphantly shining third installment of the trilogy still coming...one day) is less fun than the first, but it's not bad. It's maybe a little too offbeat and Burton-esque, though the subject matter lends itself to strangeness. 6/10
- DirectorW.S. Van DykeStarsClark GableJeanette MacDonaldSpencer TracyA Barbary Coast saloonkeeper and a Nob Hill impresario are rivals for the affections of a beautiful singer, both personally and professionally, in 1906 San Francisco.The quake scene, which is near the end of the movie, is impressive, but the ending is just too hokey and what precedes the earthquake is nothing special. 5/10
- DirectorKevin Rodney SullivanStarsAshton KutcherBernie MacZoe SaldanaA young woman, Theresa, brings her boyfriend, Simon, home to meet her parents and surprise them with the news of their engagement. Another surprise: Simon is white.Bernie Mac is good, but Ashton Kutcher can't really play anything beyond idiotic, making his character more Punk'd than Wall Street prodigy. It's a simple little comedy, but there are many superior pictures to see before this one. 5/10
- DirectorJohn HughesStarsSteve MartinJohn CandyLaila RobinsA Chicago advertising man must struggle to travel home from New York for Thanksgiving, with a lovable oaf of a shower-curtain-ring salesman as his only companion.The Thanksgiving standard - why aren't there more Thanksgiving movies? - is funny and touching. John Hughes' best work. Candy and Martin are a perfect pair.
- DirectorBert I. GordonStarsEd KemmerJune KenneyEugene PerssonTeenagers from a rural community and their high school science teacher join forces to battle a giant mutant spider.Have you ever seen the trailer for this old giant bug flick? It's incredible. The massive spider crawling over the town. The woman with her dress caught in the car door screaming and looking up in terror. Totally bad ass. Well, the accompanying movie is terrible, and even those great shots are undermined when you say to yourself, "Um, did the giant spider just quadruple in size after escaping the high school gymnasium?" 3/10
- DirectorJack ArnoldStarsJohn AgarMara CordayLeo G. CarrollA spider escapes from an isolated Arizona desert laboratory experimenting in gigantism and grows to tremendous size as it wreaks havoc on the local inhabitants.Vastly superior to Bert I. Gordon's Earth vs. the Spider, Tarantula is mid-'50s John Agar greatness. OK, greatness may be a strong term, but it's a good giant monster movie. 7/10
- DirectorJack ArnoldStarsRichard CarlsonBarbara RushCharles DrakeA spaceship from another world crashes in the Arizona desert and only an amateur stargazer and a schoolteacher suspect alien influence when the local townsfolk begin to act strangely.A really good '50s sci-fi classic. Worth watching for anyone interested in aliens and the like. 7/10
- DirectorRobert GordonStarsKenneth TobeyFaith DomergueDonald CurtisA giant, radioactive octopus rises from the Philippine Trench to terrorize the North American Pacific Coast.Sometimes dull, but greatly livened by Ray Harryhausen's special effects. 6/10
- DirectorRobert ZemeckisStarsMichael J. FoxChristopher LloydLea ThompsonMarty McFly, a 17-year-old high school student, is accidentally sent 30 years into the past in a time-traveling DeLorean invented by his close friend, the maverick scientist Doc Brown.This movie has it all: science fiction premise, teen coming of age, comedy, action, rah rah rah it's great. Plus Huey Lewis and the News for the soundtrack? Yes, please. It deserves its place among the classics. 9/10
- DirectorRobert ZemeckisStarsMichael J. FoxChristopher LloydLea ThompsonAfter visiting 2015, Marty McFly must repeat his visit to 1955 to prevent disastrous changes to 1985...without interfering with his first trip.With the DeLorean and the flux capacitor being old news at this point, Part II features the nightmarish Biff future, more manure, hover-boards, and more Billy Zane. I think it's an underrated part of the trilogy. 8/10
- DirectorRobert ZemeckisStarsMichael J. FoxChristopher LloydMary SteenburgenStranded in 1955, Marty McFly learns about the death of Doc Brown in 1885 and must travel back in time to save him. With no fuel readily available for the DeLorean, the two must figure how to escape the Old West before Emmett is murdered.From time travel and teen comedy to the Old West, the franchise returns to its fish-out-of-water roots. Still fun, even with the bizzarro ending. At least they tried to definitively conclude the series. 7/10
- DirectorSteven SpielbergStarsHarrison FordKaren AllenPaul FreemanIn 1936, archaeologist and adventurer Indiana Jones is hired by the U.S. government to find the Ark of the Covenant before the Nazis can obtain its awesome powers.Nothing cemented Nazis as the ultimate killable movie bad guys like this film. Nothing. And the climax? Come on. This movie doesn't need my words of praise. 10/10
- DirectorSteven SpielbergStarsHarrison FordKate CapshawKe Huy QuanIn 1935, Indiana Jones is tasked by Indian villagers with reclaiming a rock stolen from them by a secret cult beneath the catacombs of an ancient palace.While many people love this series entry, I've always thought it was the clear step-child of the trilogy (there was a fourth film?). The lighting is so damn '80s - though it's set in the '30s - and the sidekicks are kind of annoying. The crocodile end is poorly shot, though the infamous heart presenting scene is memorable. 6/10
- DirectorSteven SpielbergStarsHarrison FordSean ConneryAlison DoodyIn 1938, after his father goes missing while pursuing the Holy Grail, Indiana Jones finds himself up against the Nazis again to stop them from obtaining its powers.Indy gets back to doing what he does best: kicking Nazi ass. Connery's addition is great. If anything, this one is maybe too humorous. The tank scene is great action though. 9/10
- DirectorGeorge PalStarsRod TaylorAlan YoungYvette MimieuxA man's vision for a utopian society is disillusioned when travelling forward into time reveals a dark and dangerous society.It diverts from the book, but the Morlocks are rightfully scary and Yvette Mimeaux is rightfully alluring. The lava is rather unconvincing, however, and the beginning gets pretty boring. 6/10
- DirectorSimon WellsStarsGuy PearceYancey AriasMark AddyHoping to alter the events of the past, a 19th century inventor instead travels 800,000 years into the future, where he finds humankind divided into two warring races.I really wanted this to be good. I really wanted that. Simon Wells, H.G.'s descendant, directed, but it's just so boring. I really wanted this to be good, but damn it it's not. I did like that the Morlocks were more intelligent and less bestial. 4/10
- DirectorSteve PinkStarsJohn CusackRob CorddryCraig RobinsonA malfunctioning time machine at a ski resort takes a man back to 1986 with his two friends and nephew, where they must relive a fateful night and not change anything to make sure the nephew is born.It skates by on its funny-enough cast. No masterpiece. 6/10
- DirectorRob McKittrickStarsRyan ReynoldsAnna FarisJohn Francis DaleyYoung employees at ShenaniganZ restaurant collectively stave off boredom and adulthood with their antics.This one is pretty funny and can really hit home with anyone who has worked in the depths of the food industry. It gets some of the weirdest things right. 7/10
- DirectorChristopher GuestStarsChristopher GuestFred WillardCatherine O'HaraAn aspiring director and the marginally talented amateur cast of a hokey small-town Missouri musical production go overboard when they learn that someone from Broadway will be in attendance.Waiting for Guffman is a real treasure. Funny, but with characters you root for and will care about after the credits roll. 8/10
- DirectorSteven SpielbergStarsSam NeillLaura DernJeff GoldblumA pragmatic paleontologist touring an almost complete theme park on an island in Central America is tasked with protecting a couple of kids after a power failure causes the park's cloned dinosaurs to run loose.When I was a boy, I heard about this new dinosaur movie called Jurassic Park. It was directed by Steven Spielberg, my favorite director. It starred a lot of people I had never heard of. I figured it would be the greatest movie of all time. I was not disappointed. Watching it now, I see why Schindler's List won Best Picture at the Academy Awards instead. JP's a bit dated, partially because it was ripped off so relentlessly through the '90s. 8/10
- DirectorSteven SpielbergStarsJeff GoldblumJulianne MoorePete PostlethwaiteA research team is sent to the Jurassic Park Site B island to study the dinosaurs there, while an InGen team approaches with another agenda.While not as good as the original JP, The Lost World is unfairly ridiculed by cinemaphiles. It's exciting, features a who's-who of the '90s cast, and does what sequels tend to do: go bigger. Two t-rexes are better than one, right? Ah hell, it has cool dinosaurs and that's why I like it. 7/10
- DirectorJoe JohnstonStarsSam NeillWilliam H. MacyTéa LeoniA decidedly odd couple with ulterior motives convince Dr. Grant to go to Isla Sorna for a holiday, but their unexpected landing startles the island's new inhabitants.I have a friend who refuses to believe this movie exists. It's bad, but not that bad. At least it's a zippy little flick, but the that-makes-sense parts are too few, the spinosaurus is ridiculous, and the talking raptors are, shockingly, not the most illogical part of the film. The raptors in the tall grass sequence is quite cool, though. 4/10
- DirectorColin TrevorrowStarsChris PrattBryce Dallas HowardTy SimpkinsA new theme park, built on the original site of Jurassic Park, creates a genetically modified hybrid dinosaur, the Indominus Rex, which escapes containment and goes on a killing spree.This one is just a flat-out fun monster movie. We are through with all that animal crap; this time we have a straight-up monster. And he's pretty bad ass. Plenty of ridiculous scenes arise, but it's all in good fun. Bryce Dallas Howard can seriously run in her heels, folks. 7/10
- DirectorHarry O. HoytStarsWallace BeeryBessie LoveLloyd HughesThe first film adaptation of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's classic novel about a land where prehistoric creatures still roam.Monsters, science fiction, adventure...Words that describe this movie and double as film genres that owe much to this silent-era stunner. 9/10
- DirectorIrwin AllenStarsMichael RennieJill St. JohnDavid HedisonProfessor Challenger leads an expedition of scientists and adventurers to a remote plateau deep in the Amazonian jungle to verify his claim that dinosaurs still live there.It's amazing how much worse a movie remake can be when produced 35 years later. Instead of Willis O'Brien quality effects, we get lizards with rubber horns glued to their heads. 5/10
- DirectorBert I. GordonStarsWilliam BryantWanda CurtisDouglas HendersonA new planet moves into the Solar system and four scientists (two couples) are sent to explore planet Nova. In between romantic interludes, the cast faces an iguana masquerading as a Tyrannosaurus rex.Another terrible Bert I. Gordon film. The I stands for incompetent. 1/10
- DirectorRon HowardStarsTom HanksDaryl HannahEugene LevyA young man is reunited with a mermaid he briefly encountered as a boy and falls in love with her without knowing her secret.Fun, with the four principle characters are personifying their roles well. Eugene Levy and John Candy shine in supporting roles. Also responsible for the onslaught of American kids named Madison. 7/10
- DirectorWarren BeattyStarsWarren BeattyMadonnaAl PacinoThe comic strip detective finds his life vastly complicated when Breathless Mahoney makes advances towards him while he is trying to battle Big Boy Caprice's united mob.I loved this movie as a kid. It's a fun homage to the classic comic strip. It straddles a line between gritty and cartoonish, much like Batman and Who Framed Roger Rabbit around that same time. 8/10
- DirectorLeslie H. MartinsonStarsAdam WestBurt WardLee MeriwetherThe Dynamic Duo faces four supervillains who plan to hold the world for ransom with the help of a secret invention that instantly dehydrates people.Shark Repellent Bat-Spray. And that's just the tip of the glorious iceberg. Lee Meriwether is a foxy Catwoman. 9/10
- DirectorTim BurtonStarsMichael KeatonJack NicholsonKim BasingerThe Dark Knight of Gotham City begins his war on crime with his first major enemy being Jack Napier, a criminal who becomes the clownishly homicidal Joker.Darker, cooler, and meaner: Keaton and Burton's Batman kicked some serious ass. Plus, Prince did the soundtrack. 8/10
- DirectorTim BurtonStarsMichael KeatonDanny DeVitoMichelle PfeifferWhile Batman deals with a deformed man calling himself the Penguin wreaking havoc across Gotham with the help of a cruel businessman, a female employee of the latter becomes the Catwoman with her own vendetta.More of a unique vision this time out, Tim Burton still stumbles a bit with too much outright weirdness. The penguins with rockets on their backs stand out as a better-as-a-video-game moment. 6/10
- DirectorJoel SchumacherStarsVal KilmerTommy Lee JonesJim CarreyBatman must battle former district attorney Harvey Dent, who is now Two-Face and Edward Nygma, The Riddler with help from an amorous psychologist and a young circus acrobat who becomes his sidekick, Robin.Too colorful and manic, Batman Forever still manages to stave off ineptitude with a good soundtrack (with nothing to do with Batman), Nicole Kidman's sexy psychologist, and more of a wink and nod to the 1960s Batman than outright hero worship. 5/10
- DirectorJoel SchumacherStarsArnold SchwarzeneggerGeorge ClooneyChris O'DonnellBatman and Robin try to keep their relationship together even as they must stop Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy from freezing Gotham City.Batman & Robin is nearly the cheesiest Batman movie ever, even if one decides to take the 1966 Batman at face value. Cartoon sound effects, the Dynamic Duo's gay squabbles, a bizarre Bat-cape rape, and the hammy, abysmal acting make you forget how stupid the plot is. At least Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze allows one the opportunity to play a fun drinking game. And for that, this one is worth watching...for the badness. And drinking. Which you will need because of the badness. 4/10
- DirectorChristopher NolanStarsChristian BaleMichael CaineKen WatanabeAfter witnessing his parents' death, Bruce learns the art of fighting to confront injustice. When he returns to Gotham as Batman, he must stop a secret society that intends to destroy the city.After the Batman & Robin/Joel Schumacher debacle, the series needed a reboot. This is an excellent example of how to do it right. Going even darker than Burton's Batman, Batman Begins is extremely well cast and delivers the win. 8/10
- DirectorChristopher NolanStarsChristian BaleHeath LedgerAaron EckhartWhen the menace known as the Joker wreaks havoc and chaos on the people of Gotham, Batman must accept one of the greatest psychological and physical tests of his ability to fight injustice.Loads of action, intrigue, and even some mystery leads to real thrills in this super-flick. Heath Ledger's Joker is great and now iconic. Highly recommended. 9/10
- DirectorChristopher NolanStarsChristian BaleTom HardyAnne HathawayEight years after the Joker's reign of chaos, Batman is coerced out of exile with the assistance of the mysterious Selina Kyle in order to defend Gotham City from the vicious guerrilla terrorist Bane.A fittingly dark conclusion to the series, The Dark Knight Rises may not equal its predecessors, but it still succeeds in entertaining and sometimes thrilling its audience. Anne Hathaway is surprisingly decent as Catwoman. 7/10
- DirectorJacques TourneurStarsDana AndrewsPeggy CumminsNiall MacGinnisAmerican professor John Holden arrives in London for a parapsychology conference, only to find himself investigating the mysterious actions of Devil-worshipper Julian Karswell.While the director never wanted a lot of special effects, it is those effects, in many ways, that improve the film. The demon and the fluttering runic note are still good eye-feasts. 7/10
- DirectorDavid WorthStarsThorsten KayeNikita AgerDan MetcalfeThe mutant sharks from Dr. Craven's experiments in "Shark Attack 1" are back, this time choosing Cape Town, South Africa as their hunting ground.With a laughable floating toy shark, plus a bad script, Shark Attack 2 is for bad movie nights only. 3/10
- DirectorDavid WorthStarsJohn BarrowmanJenny McShaneRyan CutronaWhen two researchers discover a colossal shark's tooth off the Mexican coast, their worst fears surface: the most menacing beast to ever rule the waters is still alive and mercilessly feeding on anything that crosses its path.Funnier and dumber than Shark Attack 2, though unintentionally so, this crapfest is a bad movie legend for all the right/wrong reasons. Roaring sharks! Abominable acting! Dreadful effects! See it now! 4/10
- DirectorShawn LevyStarsBen StillerCarla GuginoRicky GervaisA newly recruited night security guard at the Museum of Natural History discovers that an ancient curse causes the animals and exhibits on display to come to life and wreak havoc.I commend movies that try to make something enjoyable for kids (history in this case). But overall, this movie is nothing special. 6/10
- DirectorShawn LevyStarsBen StillerOwen WilsonAmy AdamsSecurity guard Larry Daley infiltrates the Smithsonian Institution in order to rescue Jedediah and Octavius, who have been shipped to the museum by mistake.A small step back from the first Night at the Museum, this sequel is decent, but suffers some in comparison. Offenders include Amy Adams as Amelia Earhart and the wasted appearances of a certain grouch and Sith Lord. 6/10