Worst Movies I've Ever Seen
I've seen some random *beep* And too bad I didn't see the MST3K versions of some of these!
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- DirectorWerner HerzogStarsPetar RadenkovicMario AdorfHans TiedemannThe film features several horse trainers and other track workers talking about their roles at the track, always eventually interrupted by an older man who claims to be the true authority, and demands that they be thrown out. One recurring young man, the first to appear, claims that he protects the horses from enthusiastic racing fans. He does not appear to be employed by the track, but seems to provide his services voluntarily. His protection from "fanatics" gives the film its title. The film is shot in a documentary style, but the sheer implausibility of the dialogue leaves the exact nature of the film ambiguous.(American title Precautions against Fanatics) Painfully unfunny pseudodocumentary from Werner Herzog, but at least it's in the style that This Is Spinal Tap and the other Christopher Guest comedies of the 1990s and 2000s would make famous.
- DirectorFritz HipplerStarsCurt BoisCharles ChaplinAlbert EinsteinUnder the guise of a brutally honest documentary, this malevolent propaganda film aims to be an "indispensable tool in the hands of the Aryan race", designed to depict the "true" Jew when the masks of western civilisation fall off.Lousy Nazi propaganda.
- DirectorRay KelloggStarsDon SullivanFred GrahamLisa SimoneA giant lizard terrorizes a rural Texas community and a heroic teenager attempts to destroy the creature.Irredeemable, not entertaining, hardly watchable trash.
- DirectorRay KelloggStarsJames BestIngrid GoudeKen CurtisOn an isolated island, a small group of people are terrorized by giant voracious shrews in the midst of a hurricane.Embarrassment.
- DirectorKurt GerronKarel PecenýStarsPaul EppsteinKarel FischerKurt GerronNazi propaganda film depicting the notorious Theresienstadt concentration camp as a sort of idyllic rest stop, in an attempt to convince world opinion that there was no such thing as Nazi death camps.Would-be compelling but cruelly deceptive Nazi propaganda. Although this film isn't one of the hate-the-Jews films, nor is it terribly filmed objectively, for completely covering up the atrocities of the Holocaust, it probably deserves to be #1 on this list.
- DirectorGeorge P. BreakstonKenneth G. CraneStarsPeter DyneleyJane HyltonTetsu NakamuraAn American journalist stationed in Japan is given a mysterious injection by a mad scientist, turning him into a murderous, two-headed monster.Disturbingly awkward.
- DirectorJimmy HaywardStarsJosh BrolinMegan FoxJohn MalkovichIn exchange for his freedom, bounty hunter Jonah Hex must track down a terrorist with a superweapon.Inane, plotless comic-book adaptation.
- DirectorRobert VernonStarsJohnny MeyerPat HingleJulie CondraA couple come into contact with stolen mob money, gamble it away, and end up on the run from gangsters.I saw this because I fell in love with Julie Condra from The Wonder Years. The problem with this low-budget movie is not that it is so offensive or awful or poorly acted, but with a simple, stupid premise, dull script, substandard photography, and weak direction of the actors, it fails to offer much entertainment value beyond that of a run-of-the-mill late-night TV-movie.
- DirectorPhil TraillStarsSandra BullockBradley CooperThomas Haden ChurchConvinced that a CCN cameraman is her true love, an eccentric crossword puzzler trails him as he travels all over the country, hoping to convince him that they belong together.Mostly inoffensive, but pointless and embarrassing for all involved especially at this stage of their careers.
- DirectorRené Cardona Jr.StarsSusan GeorgeHugo StiglitzAndrés GarcíaTwo shark hunters flirt with an attractive British lady while hunting down a large tiger shark terrorizing the Mexican East coast.Beautiful locales and bodies almost keep this crappy Jaws knock-off afloat.
- DirectorIvan ReitmanStarsUma ThurmanLuke WilsonAnna FarisWhen a regular guy dumps a superhero for her neediness, she uses her powers to make his life a living hell.Stupid, poorly made comedy in which an average Joe unknowingly breaks up with a vindictive sexy superhero. Has Uma Thurman's career ever recovered?
- DirectorSean S. CunninghamStarsBetsy PalmerAdrienne KingJeannine TaylorA group of teenage camp counselors attempt to re-open an abandoned summer camp with a tragic past, but they are stalked by a mysterious, relentless killer.Yep, just ridiculous.
- DirectorRobert GreenwaldStarsOlivia Newton-JohnGene KellyMichael BeckA struggling artist living in Los Angeles meets a girl who may hold the key to his happiness.Preposterous yet funny filmmaking, but a rocking soundtrack. Poor Gene Kelly, but at least Olivia Newton-John can sing and looks great.
- DirectorAlexander HallStarsLucille BallDesi ArnazJames MasonTV's great comedy duo, Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz, star in this madcap comedy about a research chemist whose dedicated pursuit of a new pesticide wreaks havoc on his marriage.Any film that unites Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz, especially one made during the course of I Love Lucy, would be a disappointment in comparison to the landmark TV sitcom. But this movie is a mostly unfunny, drawn-out, labored comedy for the Arnazes.
- DirectorPatricia BirchStarsMichelle PfeifferMaxwell CaulfieldLorna LuftA British student at a 1960s American high school must prove himself to the leader of a girls' gang whose members can only date greasers.Ignoring the timeless original, this sequel is not a complete wash, given the early star presence of Michelle Pfeiffer and the two legitimately fun and well-staged numbers, "Cool Rider" and "Score Tonight." But the actors are too self-aware and the T-Birds and Pink Ladies too self-centered and constrained by their codes of conduct to be relatable or even likable.
- DirectorVeit HarlanStarsFerdinand MarianKristina SöderbaumHeinrich GeorgeInfamous anti-Semitic Nazi propaganda historical drama about Duke Karl Alexander of Württemberg and his treasurer Süß Oppenheimer.Frustrating Nazi propaganda.
- DirectorGreg McLeanStarsNathan PhillipsCassandra MagrathKestie MorassiThree backpackers stranded in the Australian outback are plunged inside a hellish nightmare of insufferable torture by a sadistic psychopathic local.Typical bad slasher film, I imagine. Just one of the few I've ever seen.
- DirectorChris SivertsonStarsLindsay LohanJulia OrmondNeal McDonoughA young woman who was missing reappears, but she claims to be someone else entirely.Surprisingly engaging and disturbing, but a total failure by the end due to the reliance on supernatural elements and awkward storytelling.
- DirectorUli EdelStarsMadonnaWillem DafoeJoe MantegnaA lawyer defends a woman accused of killing her older lover by having sex with him.Excessively melodramatic, hollow crime thriller won Madonna a Razzie even though she's oddly the only one who makes this watchable.
- DirectorJane CampionStarsNicole KidmanJohn MalkovichBarbara HersheyAn American girl inherits a fortune and falls into a misguided relationship with a gentleman confidence artist whose true nature, including a barbed and covetous disposition, turns her life into a nightmare.Painfully dark, with a waste of a fine cast. The characters are unsympathetic, and most of them merely exist to torment Nicole Kidman's character.
- DirectorOliver StoneStarsShia LaBeoufMichael DouglasCarey MulliganNow out of prison but still disgraced by his peers, Gordon Gekko works his future son-in-law, an idealistic stock broker, when he sees an opportunity to take down a Wall Street enemy and rebuild his empire.Constant chatter and yet what is at the center? A melodramatic, cliched love story. The pacing is terrible, the plot way too convoluted, the characters hypocritical without a purpose, and the redemption of Gordon Gekko completely ill-advised.
- DirectorAlexander HallStarsRita HayworthLarry ParksMarc PlattUpset about a new Broadway musical's mockery of Greek mythology, the goddess Terpsichore comes down to earth and lands a part in the show. She works her charms on the show's producer and he incorporates her changes into the show. Unfortunately, her changes also produce a major flop.Beautiful art direction and of course Rita Hayworth, but the storyline is ridiculous and the score forgettable.
- DirectorOliver HirschbiegelStarsNicole KidmanDaniel CraigJeremy NorthamAs a Washington, D.C. psychiatrist unearths the origin of an alien epidemic, she also discovers her son might be the only way it can be stopped.Overedited and schlocky.
- DirectorKaryn KusamaStarsMegan FoxAmanda SeyfriedAdam BrodyA newly-possessed high-school cheerleader turns into a succubus who specializes in killing her male classmates. Can her best friend put an end to the horror?Interesting premise, but this awkward mix of dark humor and gore just doesn't work, thanks to a nonexistent plot, despite engaging performances from both female leads.
- DirectorCarl ReinerStarsKirstie AlleyBill PullmanCarrie FisherA frustrated woman's life gets even more frustrating once she gets into an affair with a man who suffers a fatal heart attack after their fling.Amiable but bland, poorly directed, and slow-paced Carl Reiner rom-com with Kirstie Alley and several other famous stars.
- DirectorGus Van SantStarsVince VaughnAnne HecheJulianne MooreA young female embezzler arrives at the Bates Motel, which has terrible secrets of its own.The ghost of Hitchcock inevitably looms large over Gus Van Sant's shot-for-shot color remake, a film of legitimate academic interest but ultimately a weak, bloodless thriller due to miscast actors and stilted performances.
- DirectorNora EphronStarsNicole KidmanWill FerrellShirley MacLaineThinking he can overshadow an unknown actress in the part, an egocentric actor unknowingly gets a witch cast in an upcoming television remake of the classic sitcom Bewitched (1964).Nicole Kidman is well cast in theory in the role Elizabeth Montgomery brought to life with her class, charm, and intelligence; unfortunately, the complex setup belies dumbed-down and flimsy character development, and Will Ferrell's brand of humor in particular is out of frame. Michael Caine and especially Shirley MacLaine are underused, but the true standout performance is from Kristin Chenoweth, who plays Isabel's daffy, spastic neighbor.
- DirectorBert I. GordonStarsJoan CollinsRobert LansingJohn David CarsonCon artist Marilyn Fryser tries to sell bogus real estate deals in an area overrun by giant ants.Dumb, but watchable and hilarious!
- DirectorLarry CharlesStarsSacha Baron CohenGustaf HammarstenClifford BañagaleFlamboyant, gay Austrian Brüno looks for new fame in America.Fascinating failed attempt at satire/comedy wrings few laughs despite its (too) shocking content and Cohen's committed character turn.
- DirectorJoby HaroldStarsHayden ChristensenJessica AlbaTerrence HowardA wealthy young man undergoing heart transplant surgery discovers that the surgical team intend to murder him.Quite watchable, but senseless, thriller. Lena Olin gives a good performance.
- DirectorJames IvoryStarsKate HudsonNaomi WattsStockard ChanningFrench vs. American social customs and behaviors are observed in a story about an American visiting her sister and French brother-in-law and niece in Paris.Melodramatic misfire in which expatriate half-sisters deal with one's messy divorce in Paris. The film plods along due to an uninspired script, flat characterizations, and absent direction. The only redeeming feature is the talented but wasted cast.
- DirectorJennifer FlackettMark LevinStarsJodie FosterGerard ButlerAbigail BreslinImagination and reality collide when young Nim's father goes missing at sea. Fate brings to her the author of the Alex Rover series, her favorite books, and together they try to find Nim's father.Very disappointing adventure in which a little girl (Abigail Breslin) enlists the help of her favorite author, a closeted xenophobe (Jodie Foster), when her father goes missing from the secluded South Pacific island where they live. Foster is very funny and quirky, but the film itself is poorly written, directed, and edited, and Breslin's performance is unbelievably unimpressive.