Reviews

Want to see a film that features a character called Surgeon General that looks like Dr.Satan's cousin, a plate throwing dwarf called Plates played by Warwick Davies, a character called Brain (or Brian) with a huge over-sized brain filled with toy blocks, a disturbed yet lovable' Granny', a geriatric biker gang, a headless bodybuilder with 'Dyno-mite' on his crotch, full frontal male nudity, a child getting sliced in half, music by Captain Sensible, a fight between a dwarf and a bow legged ancient biker and, to top it all a cameo by Forrest J. Ackerman. If that interests you see Skinned Deep. Is it a good film? Not by any stretch of the imagination. Is it enjoyable. Hell Yeah!!!!!!! Recommended.

I have a high tolerance level for crap, so I was looking forward to this. It did not disappoint. Apparently based on Sheridan Le Fanu's classic Carmilla, it follows a father and daughter hunting a female vampire who, luckily, happens to be travelling with them. Then we have Santa Claus (or the General, as he likes to be called here) running over random zombies. Did I mention there was a zombie outbreak? The dead are returning to life but nobody seems too concerned. We have construction worker zombies, soldier zombies and even St.Trinian schoolgirl zombies. Apparently Santa Claus is looking for his daughter who has been turned into a vampire. Oh wait there are no vampires, the girl is in a lunatic asylum and Carmilla is her nurse, or is she? The zombies are back and Santa's mad. Lesbian sex, I like vampires and I like zombies but I especially like lesbian sex. Nothing like some simulated cunnilingus to get the juices flowing. When are we going to see vampires fight zombies? Is she a vampire or is she a lunatic? Or both? Is Carmilla a hot sexy lesbian vampire or a nurse? More cunnilingus, you can never have enough cunnilingus. Here come the St.Trinian zombies. Chainsaw time!! More lesbian sex then the zombies kill and eat the vampires. I guess the zombies won, or did they? Plot? Who needs a plot when you've got lesbian vampires and schoolgirl zombies? And cunnilingus?

A very black horror comedy from Hammer favourite Freddie Francis. Mumsy and Nanny live with Mumsy's children, Sonny and Girly, in a neo Gothic mansion. This dysfunctional family love their children's games which are mostly conducted in strange baby talk. Sonny and Girly also have another game they love to play, they coax young men back to the house to join the fun, then when they tire of their new 'playmates' they kill them. However their latest 'friend' has a few tricks of his own up his sleeve. He realises the best way to survive is to divide and conquer, he does this by sleeping with all the women. Filmed in the familiar and instantly recognisable Oakley Court (a fixture of many British horror films including The Old Dark House and Monster Of Terror) this rare British horror film stars Ursula Howells, Pat Heywood, Howard Trevor and the excellent Vannessa Howard as the titular family, with Michael Bryant as the disruptive 'new friend'. It also features the beautiful but ultimately tragic Imogen Hassall, a classically trained actress who could never quite shake off her glamour girl reputation and committed suicide aged 38 in 1980. The film starts with Sonny and Girly meeting a homeless man, Soldier, on a park bench. They take him home and dress him as a schoolboy and feed him jelly for tea. When they tire of him they chop off his head during a game of 'Oranges And Lemons'. But when they bring 'new friend' home the family starts to turn on itself (Nanny's head ends up in a pot on the stove). I was reminded of both Spider Baby and The Texas Chain Saw Massacre at times. Although the cast is more than adequate it is Vanessa Howard who stands out as Girly (the title was shortened to just 'Girly' in the U.S.) Although once thought lost the film is now in the public domain and I've just ordered a new DVD to replace my old VHS copy. Well worth tracking down. 7/10

Although not strictly a horror film this has many elements that will appeal to the horror fan. Danny Dyer (once again doing his Cockney geezer act) and Gillian Anderson play a couple that are travelling home from a party when they upset some locals, resulting in Dyer being savagely beaten, losing an eye in the process and Anderson raped. Months later Anderson comes across the rapist and sees her chance for revenge, however things are not as straight forward as they appear. This comes across at first like just another rape revenge film but when Anderson confronts her rapist we learn there is more to it than first appears. Dyer plays more or less the same role he always plays, although a lot darker this time and the unusual pairing with The X-Files Anderson somehow works. There is some strong violence, including anal rape with a loaded rifle and good performances all round. Not perfect but still an enjoyable thriller (and Gillian Anderson goes topless). 7/10

In 1932 Tod Browning asked the question "Can a full grown woman truly love a midget?" and it nearly finished his career. Browning never fully recovered from the controversy and critical backlash he received for Freaks. After the success of Universal's Dracula (also directed by Browning)and James Whale's Frankenstein MGM wanted to cash in on the public's new appetite for horror so asked Browning to deliver a horror film to overshadow Universal's output. However MGM got more than they bargained for. Based on a story called Spurs by Tod Robbins,Freaks was originally intended as a vehicle for Lon Chaney, who was to be reunited with his Unholy Three co-stars Harry Earles and Victor McLaglen. However after Chaneys death from lung cancer in 1930 it was shelved for a couple of years,until MGM approached Browning about a new horror film. Freaks is the story of trapeze artist Cleopatra(Olga Baclanova)who marries, then tries to poison sideshow midget Hans(Harry Earles)to get her hands on his inheritance. She is assisted in this odious task by her lover, strongman Hercules(Henry Victor,who had replaced original choice Victor McLaglen). But when the rest of the 'freaks' find out what they are planning they take their terrible revenge. The story starts with a fairground barker proclaiming....."We didn't lie to you,folks. We told you we had living,breathing monstrosities. You laughed at them,shuddered at them....and yet,but for the accident of birth,you might be even as they are. Their code is a law unto themselves. Offend one and you offend them all". He walks over to an open pit and continues speaking to the audience. "You are about to witness the most amazing,most astounding living monstrosity of all time". A woman from the audience screams,he continues..."Friends,she was once a beautiful woman. . She was known as the peacock of the air....." We then cut to Hans watching Cleopatra performing her trapeze act. After her act is over she drops her cape so Hans can pick it up, then tease him because he is unable to place it back around her shoulders. Freida (Daisy Earles,Harry's real life sister)is in love with Hans,but he only has eyes for Cleopatra. We then see the brutish strongman(Victor)breaking up with the lovely Venus(Lelia Hyams,replacing original choice Jean Harlow). Hercules and Cleopatra become lovers but all the while Cleopatra is flirting and toying with the besotted Hans. Freida warns Hans that everyone is laughing at him, but he tells her that he is in love with Cleopatra and doesn't care what anyone thinks. Freida then goes to see Cleopatra to plead with her not to hurt Hans but inadvertently reveals that he has received a substantial inheritance. Cleopatra and Hercules then decide that she will marry Hans then slowly poison him to death. At their wedding feast all the freaks gather to congratulate the newly weds when Cleopatra thinks no one is looking she slips some poison into Han's drink. To welcome Cleopatra the freaks pour champagne into a 'loving cup', which is then passed among them to drink as they chant "Gooble gobble, we accept her, we accept, her one of us". In the original script the freaks were supposed to be seen dribbling into the cup as it was passed along. The drunken Cleopatra is disgusted and screams "You dirty,rotten freaks!" then throws her drink over them. Hercules chases all the freaks away then humiliates Hans by placing him on Cleopatras shoulders, then she carries him around as he covers his face. With Hans getting weaker from the poison the freaks decide to take their revenge,encouraged by Hans who now realises what Cleopatra is doing. That night they take their revenge,after killing Hercules, crawling through the mud,knives between their teeth,they advance on the screaming Cleopatra. We then cut back to the fairground barker,who continues..."How she got that way will never be known. Believe it or not,there she is" The camera pans down into the pit revealing a squawking,legless Cleopatra looking like an over-sized chicken.... The original ending had a scene of a tree falling on Cleopatra, crushing her legs and trapping her as the freaks advanced. Another scene cut had Hercules singing soprano back at the fairground after the freaks had apparently castrated him. However after the critical backlash Freaks was pulled from release after a few weeks and about 1/2 hour cut,unfortunately this 1/2 hour has been lost forever. A re-edited version was released with a happy ending showing Hans and Frieda reunited but the public still stayed away. Apparently the general public were not ready for the real 'horror' of the freaks. Freaks is a film very much of it's time,the acting is very theatrical and primitive with Henry Victor as Hercules being the worst culprit. This is obviously due to the fact that 'talkies 'were in their infancy and most of the actors were from the silent era. Brother and sister Harry and Daisy Earles are given plenty of screen time and do their best with a disjointed script. The best acting, in my opinion, comes from leading man Wallace Ford as Phroso the clown, Leila Hyams as the beautiful Venus and Roscoe Ates as stuttering comic relief Roscoe, who is engaged to one half of the Siamese twins. The story is simple yet very effective and the message seems to be that Hercules and Cleopatra (the so called normal people) are the real monsters and we should not judge people by their appearance, but by their character and personality. There is no question that Hercules and Cleopatra deserved their horrible fate.

So after nearly thirty years I finally sat down to watch Grizzly again. When I first saw this I was about 12 or 13 and I remember really enjoying it. At the time I was obsessed with Jaws so any animal on the loose movies were fine by me. I now realise why I enjoyed it - it is Jaws redone on land. The two films are virtually identical in plot, both feature three male leads, both feature an authority figure fighting against the closure of the park/beach, both feature a child being attacked and both feature the title character getting blown to bits at the climax. There is even a Quint style speech by Andrew Prine. The three male leads, Christopher George, Andrew Prine and Richard Jaeckel are good value for money, although George's toothy smile grates after a while. The attacks are quite well done and surprisingly gory and footage of the real grizzly blends quite well with the fake one. The stand out scene for me was Jaeckel's demise, very effective and quite disturbing . Not quite as good as I remembered and obviously a Jaws rip off but a good rip off nonetheless.