- Nina Van Horn: Maya, your style is fabulous. What did you use on your hair?
- Maya Gallo: Raw sewage.
- Nina Van Horn: Boy, they really are running out of good names.
- Erin Simon: The president of Uzbekistan just commited suicide. He shot himself 47 times in the back.
- Maya Gallo: Oh, it just occurred to me that I forgot to warn you about Elliot. He didn't try to hit on you, did he?
- Erin Simon: Yup.
- Maya Gallo: Unbelievable! I would've liked to have seen how you handled him.
- [Elliot walks in from the guest room, wearing a robe]
- Maya Gallo: I take that back.
- Elliot DiMauro: Maya, mind if I use your robe?
- Maya Gallo: Not at all. Mind closing it?
- Nina Van Horn: Is there anything worse than Monday morning?
- Elliot DiMauro: It's Wednesday afternoon. Where have you been all week?
- [Nina comes in with an orangutan]
- Dennis Finch: Hey, I've seen this movie - "Every Which Way But Sober."
- Nina Van Horn: You may be arranging the party, but I'm going to give him the best present.
- Dennis Finch: Oh, you will, will you?
- [shows Nina his present to Jack]
- Nina Van Horn: Earmuffs?
- Dennis Finch: Not just earmuffs. There's a chip in the fur that plays classic routines from comedy duos.
- Nina Van Horn: That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. He'll love it!
- Elliot DiMauro: How's it like working with a monkey again?
- Cowboy Pete: Like the hell I can never escape.
- Jack Gallo: Some years ago I was in Chicago on business, and everyone is telling me about the ribs on this place called Twin Anchors. Well, I walked all over that damned city and didn't find it, so I stop at a little grocery store for directions, and I find this tiny old woman making tamales.
- Maya Gallo: Don't tell me, the best Mexican food you have ever eaten.
- Jack Gallo: Nope, I got food poisoning.
- Maya Gallo: Is there a point to this story?
- Jack Gallo: Yes. The delivery girl from the pharmacy next door had the finest bosoms I have ever seen. And this was back when bosoms were real, Maya.
- Nina Van Horn: But you have to come. I'm making my special punch.
- Maya Gallo: You mean vodka and food coloring?
- Nina Van Horn: Who told you?
- Dennis Finch: Hi. I'm Dennis Finch. I don't know you, but I think you're kinda cute. I would like to have sex with you. Brief, passionate sex followed by an eight-hour nap. The next morning I will brag about you to everyone. Oh, yes, I will brag. So what do you say?
- Kimmy: Get away from me, or I'll staple your head to the wall.
- Dennis Finch: Okay. Nice talking to you.
- [walks over to desk]
- Dennis Finch: Lesbian.
- Maya Gallo: My contact says they're dumping tonight. You know how it is with sources.
- Erin Simon: Tell me about it. I had a midnight rendezvous with my contact in Lebanon. I'm five minutes late, his head comes rolling down the street like a soccer ball.
- Maya Gallo: So, what are you working on?
- Erin Simon: I've been uncovering human rights violations in Eastern Europe.
- Maya Gallo: Oh, I'm working on quite the hard-hitting piece myself.
- Elliot DiMauro: Maya, we need to fill a page. Write something to go with this butt shot.
- Maya Gallo: Not now, Elliot.
- Elliot DiMauro: If at all possible, try to avoid using the word "asstastic". We've already used it twice this issue.
- Dennis Finch: So whatever happened to the chick with the nice ones?
- Jack Gallo: Sheila in accounting.
- Elliot DiMauro: Hey, Maya. Mind if I use your toothbrush?
- Maya Gallo: Not at all. That's the one I use for grout.
- Elliot DiMauro: Maya, I'm a gentleman. I'm not going to tell you what I did or didn't do to Erin. But if you must know, ask Finch.
- Mel: I once saw my dad wrestle an alligator. All I could do is stand there and watch in horror.
- Maya Gallo: Wow. Where was that?
- Mel: Right over there.
- Maya Gallo: That's where I had my sandwich.