The Longest Yard (2005)
Chris Rock: Caretaker
Photos
Quotes
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Switowski : He broke-ded my nose
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : Let me try to fix that.
[Crewe fixes his nose]
Switowski : How do I look?
Caretaker : Much better, like a young Michael Jackson.
Switowski : I love little Michael.
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Switowski : Will you teach me to football?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : Sure, I'll teach you to football.
Caretaker : I'll teach you anything. Just don't eat me.
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Caretaker : Well, we didn't get the whole chocolate bar, but we got a Hershey's kiss.
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Joey Battle : Wow no bullshit! Real football, against the guards?
Coach Nate Scarborough : Full contact.
Joey Battle : Captain Knauer is the quarterback?
Caretaker : Yep.
Joey Battle : So I get to tackle him?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : Yeah, you can either tackle him or you can hit him over the head with that *hammer*.
Joey Battle : [looks down at his crotch] I wanna hurt him, not kill him.
Caretaker : Lets get outta here before that thing bites someone!
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : Alright we'll see you and your pet iguana at practice.
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Caretaker : [introducing himself to Crewe] Whatever your pleasure, I can facilitate. You need weed, you need meth- hey, you need Prozac, I'm your man. I know how you white boys always deal with that depression. I mean me personally, I don't understand what you white boys are all depressed about. Hey, you're white! Smile!
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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : You play football?
Caretaker : Me? No. I sucked so bad, they used to pick *after* the white kids. Used to be mad to be like, "Man, I can't believe I picked a nigga that can't play!"
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Joey Battle : Wow, no bullshit! Football, against the guards?
Coach Nate Scarborough : Yep, full contact.
Joey Battle : Captain Knauer is the quarterback?
Caretaker : Yep.
Joey Battle : So I get to tackle him?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : Yeah, either that you can hit him over the head with that hammer.
Joey Battle : I wanna hurt him, not kill him.
Caretaker : Lets get outta here before that thing bites someone!
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Caretaker : Look in your toilet, I left you a surprise.
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : You took a shit in my toilet?
Caretaker : No, that's what I left in Brucey's toilet.
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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : Why are there 2 glasses?
Caretaker : Shut up and pour me a drink, bitch!
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Caretaker : [to an exceptionally fast runner] Run, Forest, run!
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Caretaker : [Switowski has him in a bear hug] Down, Shrek, down!
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Deacon Moss : The only game I'll play with you... is slap the point shaving white boy, til he cries like a baby back bitch.
Cheeseburger Eddy : baby back bitch, baby back bitch, baby back bitch, baby back bitch.
Caretaker : That's a big ass robot
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Caretaker : He could catch a cold in the desert.
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Caretaker : Ain't you guys glad you got a black man for a friend?
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Switowski : I'm sorry... I brokeded your toy.
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : Oh, no, it's a good thing! you should share a victory hug with Caretaker.
Caretaker : What?
[Switowski lifts Caretaker in bear-hug and spins around laughing]
Caretaker : [to Paul] Asshole!
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Caretaker : That boy's got slave feet.
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Caretaker : That boy got slave feet!
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Caretaker : [to Paul] Don't give me that shit! O.J. Chopped his wife's head off and still got some ass!
[Paul Spits out his drink in laughter]
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Ms. Tucker : Do the girls get to play?
Caretaker : No, we're playing football, not balls-balls
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Caretaker : Stop the violence! Can't we all just get along?