Meet the Fockers (2004)
Teri Polo: Pam Byrnes
Photos
Quotes
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Jack Byrnes : I don't care if they did call you Larry Poppins. You are completely unfit to handle a child.
Greg Focker : It was Barry Poppins.
Jack Byrnes : What kind of sick cocktail were you going to make my grandson?
Roz Focker : Jack, the baby's teething. I told Greg to give him some rum to ease the pain.
Jack Byrnes : It was your idea?
Roz Focker : Yes.
Jack Byrnes : What is wrong with you people?
Bernie Focker : You people?
Dina Byrnes : I used to rub bourbon on Denny's gums.
Jack Byrnes : Yeah! Look what happened to him. Greg, you couldn't follow a simple set of instructions?
Greg Focker : Jack. he was screaming. So I went in and I gave him a little attention. Okay?
Jack Byrnes : He's learning to self-soothe. These setbacks are disastrous for his devlopment.
Roz Focker : The child is adorable, but you're not raising Little Buddha over here.
Greg Focker : Mom.
Jack Byrnes : What are you saying?
Roz Focker : I'm saying that I have seen that kid eat at least 15 boogers since he's been here and and I've got news for you, Jack, prodigies don't eat there own boogers.
Jack Byrnes : And I've got news for you. Prodigies don't come in 10th place every time either.
Pam Byrnes : Okay, Dad. That's my fiance.
Jack Byrnes : I'm sorry. It's just that I've never seen people celebrate mediocrity the way you do.
Roz Focker : Because we love our son? We hug our son? Let's get down to it. The truth is, you're so concerned about that Little Jack, but I think that it's the Little Jack in you that is crying out for a hug.
Jack Byrnes : The Little Jack in me?
[Greg is getting extremely frusrated]
Roz Focker : Jack, you have issues. I'm trying to understand why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest. I mean, were you ever breastfed? My guess is no.
Jack Byrnes : Will you spare my the drugstore pyschology.
Greg Focker : [everyone starts arguing] Everybody! All right. Everybody just... Everybody just STOP, okay?
[everyone is quiet]
Greg Focker : Jack, I am not going to make any excuses. Yes, Little Jack wouldn't stop crying so I gave him some hugs and I let him watch TV. I went to answer the phone, I was gone for a second, I came back, he let himself out of the playpen, he put on Scarface, and he glued his hands to the rum bottle. Okay? That's it.
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Greg Focker : What happened last night?
Pam Byrnes : Well, you got drunk and told my dad I'm pregnant, you revealed you have a 15 year old son named Jorge, and oh, apparently you have the hots for my mom.
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Pam Byrnes : In a few weeks, I'm not going to be Pam Byrnes. I'm going to be Pamela Focker.
Greg Focker : Or Byrnes-Focker, we haven't totally decided yet.
Pam Byrnes : No, no, no, I'm going to be Pamela Martha Focker. I know how that sounds but that's the name I'm taking.
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Greg Focker : It's great to be here with all of you as I am about to set sail in my ship of life with my first mate, the beautiful, young blonde lass over there. Hey baby.
[blows her a kiss]
Greg Focker : I still masturbate to Pam.
Pam Byrnes : Greg.
Greg Focker : What? It's true. Honey, what? C'mon, you're hot. Look at her! Look at those boobs. Man! I just wanna lather 'em up with soap and just
[shakes head making motorboat noise]
Greg Focker : . Man, I just want to nestle in there and take a little vacation in there.
Pam Byrnes : Honey.
Greg Focker : Honey, what? I'm sorry. Okay, excuse me for you being perfect! Hey, you know who else is great? That woman over there, my future mother-in-law, Dina Byrnes! Dina Dina Bo-Bina Banana Fana Fo Fina. I love D-D-Dina Byrnes! You know they say if you really want to know what a woman's going to look like when she gets older, you should look at her mother. Well I'm lookin' and I'm likin'! Woo, look at her! Sweetness!
[chuckles]
Greg Focker : Good genes. Byrnes gene pool.
[Spies Jorge]
Greg Focker : Hey, hey you! Hold on. Pam, I gotta tell you something about this little dude right here. In my first really passionate sexual awakening, I did, in fact lose my virginity to our beautiful housekeeper Isabel.
Pam Byrnes : Greg, honey, that was in the past so why don't you just come sit down?
Greg Focker : No, no, no, no, honey. 'Cause I have to get this off my chest. Really. We concieved a child. And his name is Jorge Villalobos. Come on up here, Jorge. Come up here. Let's lift the veil of mystery. The fruit of my loins is right here! Everybody take a look. See his face. He is mine. Search your feelings Jorge. You know it to be true. Yo soy tu papa.
[hugs him]
Greg Focker : It's okay. I know. Lot of information. You let it settle. Who'da thunk it, huh? Come on, give that kid a hand. Oh, and Jack? Pam's pregnant. Focker out.
[passes out]
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Jack Byrnes : You knew she was pregnant?
Dina Byrnes : We all did, Jack.
Pam Byrnes : Daddy, I was going to tell you after the wedding, I swear.
Jack Byrnes : This is the reason I created the circle of trust so we could discuss these things.
Pam Byrnes : But the circle isn't going to work if you don't trust anyone that's in it, Dad.
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Pam Byrnes : Did you tell your mother that I'm pregnant? Because she keeps touching my stomach and smiling like that.
Greg Focker : No, I didn't tell her. She guessed.
Pam Byrnes : She what?
Greg Focker : Yeah, and then she told my dad.
Pam Byrnes : Oh, my God.
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Pam Byrnes : This weekend is going to be fun, and your parents are great.
Greg Focker : They're great in small doses.
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[Jack and Bernie are arrived at home, looked at Little Jack holding the rum bottle with his glue hands, watching the movie Scarface on TV, shocked]
Bernie Focker : There's someone you don't see every day.
[Moses began to humping on Jinx's back]
Jack Byrnes : Focker! Focker!
[Greg enters with wearing moose antlers and a breast]
Greg Focker : Okay. I know this is bad. But, I can explain.
Jack Byrnes : What the hell happened? I said no monkey business!
[Little Jack began to crying]
Greg Focker : No! There's no monkey business.
Jack Byrnes : No monkey business? You're wearing my breast!
[Moses barking at Jinx, he gets off his back, Jinx hissing at Moses]
Jack Byrnes : Little Jack is drinking, Moses is sodomizing Jinx and you're telling me there's no monkey business? What is going on here?
[turns to Little Jack]
Jack Byrnes : Are you all right, LJ?
[Roz, Pam and Dina enters home]
Roz Focker : Hello, we're home! Hey, guys!
Jack Byrnes : [grabbing the rum bottle] Give me the bottle. Give me the bottle.
Pam Byrnes : Oh, my god. What happened to Little Jack?
Bernie Focker : Looks like his hands has stuck in the bottle of rum.
Greg Focker : Thank you, dad.
Jack Byrnes : You bet, they're stuck.
Pam Byrnes : Greg? How did this happen?
[sees his wearing antlers]
Pam Byrnes : And why are you wearing antlers?
Greg Focker : [takes his antlers off] It's... very complicated.
Roz Focker : [sees the glue] It's just a little glue, he's fine.
Jack Byrnes : He's not fine! If he could use of his hands, he'll tell you by himself!
[to Little Jack]
Jack Byrnes : All right, that's all right. Come on.
[Little Jack continues crying]
Pam Byrnes : Oh, Little Jack. Honey, are you okay? Greg?
Jack Byrnes : Dina? Pam?
Dina Byrnes : Yes, dad. I'm coming.
Pam Byrnes : Little Jack?
Roz Focker : [to Greg] Honey, I said a thimble. Not a bottle.